I stayed in bed
until I reached
the outskirts of morning.

The birds gave pep talks
instead of songs.

I got changed
and found ten dollars
in my pocket.

It’s summer but it rained
and I wonder why nobody
has made laundry powder
that smells exactly like this.

I make the perfect eggs.

The toaster
that loves to burns the edges
leaves them edible.
I thank it for its kindness.

I go outside and jump in a puddle.
There is still that childhood dream
that it will be a portal
to an alternative dimension.
One where Netflix didn’t cancel the OA.
One where we could trade
our sadness for money.
Gosh, would I be filthy rich.

Me and the neighbour
do our awkward dance.
The small talk jive.
We bow and say
‘have a nice day!’
We really mean it.

I walk to the coffee shop
and the sky is still
rubbing sleep from its eyes.

The wind is playing solos
on telephone wires.

I hold the door for a stranger
and we share a smile.

I tell the barista a joke
and we both laugh
at how unfunny it is.

I take the ten dollars
and order a flat white, one sugar.
I say keep the change.

I find a bench, and I ruminate.

I realise
Happiness is right here –
why are we crying
like it is so far away?

Hello, my name is Ash Raymond James.
Count the rings around my eyes;
they will tell you I’m infinite.
Thirty-three but endless.

I am six feet tall,
but I have sixty-foot confidence.

I am not capable of being embarrassed,
but have you seen the way I dance?
I look like I’m on fire
and I probably should be ashamed
but I often end up setting the night ablaze
because I have the sort of joy
that is contagious.

My favourite song is my own laughter.
I laugh at my own jokes until it rains.
The sky has a secret addiction
to dad jokes and other people’s happiness.

It cries out of pure elation.
Finds it insulting when people
don’t throw down in its puddles
so I shimmy a little
and I don’t care who’s watching.

I am the sort of person
who could accidentally start a flash mob.

People have the audacity
to tell me I have no rhythm
but I move to a melody
only a few can comprehend.
I think I am a little ahead of my time.
There is a chance I am from the future
or I could have just watched too many sci-fi movies.

It’s been said that my head is in the clouds
but I am actually wiping stardust
from my moustache, often
as I have always believed
if you aren’t going to pay attention
you may as well discover planets.

It took some work, but I finally understand self-gentleness.
My heart makes my mind breakfast in bed,
and my mind sings lullabies to my heart
whenever it can’t sleep and throws itself around my chest.

I learnt the secret to breathing
is realising you deserve every breath
and now I swim with the fishes
in my spare time.

The kindest thing I ever did was love myself;
the bravest thing I am ever going to do
is never stop
even when my every atom
is trying to convince me I should.

A passion so deep, it indulges in the most.
Infatuated with the lust life brings and the thoughts it hosts.
A passion so deep, it indulges in the most.
Head over heels in this rat race they boast.
A passion so deep, it indulges in the most.
Unconditional acceptance from the highs and lows.
Leave no room for judgment, whether bitter or love.
A toast for the unconditional love.
A passion so deep, it indulged in the most.
Body positivity now so mighty and haute.
Self love is key to staying afloat.
A passion so deep, let it indulge in your truth.
Reveal your potential and see your way through.
For these are the things I see within me, do you see them in you?

To my Unsealed Tribe,

Everyday is a favorite day for me
I opened my eyes this morning and I could see
I could move my legs and stand on my feet
Wiggle my toes
And touch my nose
Use my mind to write this prose

Running water, working lights
Food in my fridge
Roof over my head
Despite my many obstacles
I am not dead.

I can put a smile on my face
Even in the darkest place
Because every day I breathe
is my favorite day

I remember the days
when I didn’t think this way
I remember wanting to hide
And wish the world away

I thought the only way
I could find peace
Is if I was laid in a linen lined box
And placed in a plot
While the words
“With deepest sympathy”
Are recited to my kids and family
And I be laid to rest
“In loving memory”
Yes , everyday is my favorite day

Even when it didn’t go as planned
And even the days I was
Surrounded by my enemies
And out manned

Through every experience this year
I have learned life is grand
And to push away all fear
And run full speed ahead
I dare myself to stay the course
And in every moment, minute , hour
Day and season
That my breathe is more than
Enough reason
To let everyday be my favorite
Even on the bad days I will claim it
You will never grow
If the sun is always shining
And the sky is never raining
This year I learned how to
Not only love the rain
But dance in it
Everyday is my favorite day
Because the breath in my body means I am winning.

Peace and Love

To be honest, right now in this very moment I am in a space or season of uncomfortableness in my life. All my life I’ve worn different masks to fit in and be accepted that I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I could be with growth. I hate to admit it because I was comfortable in places where I guess normal people would be uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable in my depression, anxiety, self pity and hatred. I was okay with being trash even though I wasn’t. I embarked on taking all aspects of my healing and writing seriously during the pandemic. But i wasn’t prepared at all for the distractions that i would face. So for the next 2 1/2 years. I undid almost all my progress by being in a relationship and having a baby with a narcissist who had done everything short of killing my spirit. I was extremely uncomfortable with him but out of fear and my abandonment issues. I stayed. I became comfortable with the abuse and toxicity. I believe all the lies he told me. To be hundred percent genuine and transparent, I knew he was no good for me. But I got stuck on a feeling and I am stubborn. He was the first and only guy to pretend that he valued me. He would by me flowers, take me on dates, buy me gifts, and write me little love letters. He even said he wanted to marry me. Being a woman with extremely complicated daddy issues and traumas experiences with men; I tried to hold on to him and change myself to keep him because I believed he would change. So long story short I got tired of everything he did and was doing to me. I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself because it was destroying my mental health and I could not adequately function as a mom like I needed to. So earlier this year before my son turned one. I left him and I have never looked back. If anyone has experience with a true narcissist nothing I did to free myself was easy. So I am rebuilding and recovering from that extremely toxic relationship, learning how to balance and raise two children alone instead of one and taking the leap of faith by finally sharing my talent in writing with the world and still trying to take care of my mental health and heal from all my current and past trauma and everyone I care about. I normally would have tucked my tail and run away by now to old familiar environments but I haven’t. I always found comfort in quitting and hiding within my negative emotions. I found comfort in thinking terrible things about myself and not loving and giving myself grace. I was comfortable with abuse mental, emotional, and sometimes physical because I believed that was all I deserved in life. The unknown has always terrified me so as a trauma response I would go back to or put myself in maladaptive situations that cause pain because I’m used to it. I was like the children of Israel after they were delivered from Egypt who wanted to go back because I couldn’t see my promised land. But I decided to be different and challenge myself to conquer my fears and worries so I can achieve success and that scares the living crap out of me. I see my changes and the blessings coming to me but I am internally scared shitless (excuse my language). I haven’t had time to process anything that has happened in my life for real in the past 3 years and I’m still pushing forward but I have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don’t know how to handle so I pretend they aren’t there until I go crazy or figure out how to express them.
I’m afraid of success. I am afraid of achieving my goals and being the best me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. Even though I put in the work and it is what is to be expected. I’ve never experienced positive situations or at least for long. So I self sabotage because I don’t think I’m worthy all the time of goodness and happiness. I’m not used to actually having joy despite the chaos in my life. I’m used to feeling depression and sadness. I’m not used to being happy. And I’m so uncomfortable because I have to teach myself to accept all the things in life I’ve prayed for. I have to release maladaptive coping mechanisms that I thought were healthy but they aren’t. I have always watered others and never watered myself. I’ve shown people more love than I’ve ever shown myself ( and that is never okay). Taking time to breathe and feel positive emotions has been hard for me. It triggers my fight or flight response to be consistent in things and to show myself love. But I’m coming into my own power and learning to love myself and it’s so uncomfortable! (I’m literally dying or that’s how it feels) Sometimes I want to run back to the hell I am used to because that was the last time I felt comfortable. I had a routine and knew what to expect. I feel selfish and at times undeserving because I still beat myself up. I’ve been a certain way for so long that being in the newness and joys of life brings me deep anxiety. But being in this uncomfortable position has taught me so much. I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing out of all the terror, heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced in my entire life all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to process my positive emotions and I cry when I’m happy I get angry when I experience love. But it’s okay. I’m reaping the harvest from the tears I cried because of trauma and general lack. The tears I’ve cried are watering my seeds for my success.

Everyday I wake up I am choosing to actively do something different. I refuse to let myself run back to the false comfort of being with my ex and having a fake family. I would much rather deal with the uncomfortableness of success than deal with the uncomfortableness of watering myself down and making myself small for a man who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate and control me. I am proud of myself but I can’t celebrate just yet because I still have a lot more work to do. I thought I was buried but this whole time I was planted.

You’re perfect just the way you are.
Such a cliche that has made it thus far.
Who would I be without all the stigmas?
A sexy, fierce chick without bodies to count.
A million dollar female not asking for handouts.
Names of a breeder b**** or rag for bodily fluids will be silenced.
A deeper meaning to a survivor embedded.
Laying down my armor, replaced by unity.
Revolution is near.
Remove all the anxiety when I take the stage.
Perhaps, I am eager for the outcome they say.
Postpartum will no longer haunt me, the demons in my head no longer taunt me.
Full of life with only angels guiding me, rather than fighting the noise from the negativities trying to down me.
Still always picking the yang.
To boot as a woman, we’re the yin, so a little bird sang.
Titles given by man would be thrown out.
In this ideal world full of bliss.
Every worry taken care of.
A village for my littles.
No more irritability that cripples.
Don’t you change a thing, beautiful celestial being.
Fix your mindset to attract these things.
So the little bird sings.
Remember, you’re perfect just the way you are.
A cliche that has made it thus far.

Three steps forward, 10 steps back.
Why does it always seem that commodities I lack?
I strap that pack to my body and fix my crown.
For leaving a place of comfort never comes sound.
Leaping into a world so unknown, praying on an outcome better than my own.
Some think it’s trivial, yet a place so brutal can never be.
I opened up to social media, ready for attacks for being me.
Sharing my truth, my humor and more.
Haters, scams and fans galore!
Persecuted for sharing my peace, adored for being just me.
The fright this put into me seemed quite silly.
However, the attacks I’ve received in the past makes them a plea.
An outcast in high school, but loved it.
I connected with the nerds, the goths, the misfits you see.
10 steps forward, three steps back.
Your slant is now what I lack.
For leaving a place of comfort to follow your path will always be bound.

A spirit bound within flesh.
I have become one in mesh.
A celestial being with utmost respect.
Shedding my light on the world as I bled and bled.
Gaining arrow after arrow in my back.
Never a helping hand do I lack.
Wishing a world full of peace and serenity.
Something that might not come unexacting for the ones who stepped on me.
Spreading awareness with love and light.
The utmost respect should be given to I.
I, a goddess in the flesh.
A divine human seeking success.
Not the success you see in material things.
Yet, success you see in making a change.
A change this world is desperate to gain.
I fly so high, up, up to away with my wings.
A human who should be so evil or unkind.
I wish nothing but the best for you and I.
Our souls know the ones not meant for our path.
Trusting the universe as I grasp my weapons.
Weapons gifted to me by ancestors in heaven.
Choosing wisely who’s given advantage.
For the utmost respect to me, as the battle I chose can heal he, she, we, within me.

My presence Is a Present
I’d say kiss my ass
But 9/10 times you probably already did
Or at least fantasized about it

Don’t take my love for weakness
Or my heart for granted
because when I hit you
with the access denied
You gone panic

I’m a prize
But I’m not a trophy
I’m a treasure
But I’m not just for your pleasure

You can’t pick me up
and put me down
When you don’t want me

I promise you
I won’t sit around and collect dust
Waiting and debating
Should I stay or should I go

Because the difference
between me and a trophy
Is that I won’t be around
when the dust settles
Because I don’t settle

I’ve wasted too much
Of my time
Trying to be patient
But you can lead a horse
To water
But that doesn’t mean it’s gone drink it

Like what makes you think
You can play with me
I’m more than what you see
dope vibes
And energy
So don’t you dare
Come to me
Past your prime
I’m not sorry to say You’re out of time

You should have been
On your knees
Worshipping me
I’m a Queen

Better yet a Goddess

I surpass the constraints
of the program
I know
who I am
and who I be

So nothing you do
Can phase me
You can’t even
Amaze me

I’m priceless
So my presence
Is a blessing
And you’re ungrateful
I don’t have to be with you
To know you ain’t faithful
I can tell by your distasteful
Inconsistent lukewarm ways

My presence is valuable
And you missed out

Someone pour out
Libation for them

Feel sorry for them
Because I don’t
Dust settles
But I won’t

I will always be worthy
Of love
I don’t need them
To justify it
They knew it too
That’s why they sometimes
Treat me the way they do

I’m the most
Precious thing
You could have ever
Held in your hand
A heart of gold
Love as endless as grains of sand
A pure soul

A smile that’s a work of art
A body only the creator could design

And if you don’t think I’m worthy
That’s perfectly fine

You don’t know me yet but you and I are very close. You think you know it all and that you have life figured out……. And I hate to burst your bubble but you really don’t. Like at all. But You have a good head on your shoulders though. I just need you to trust yourself more. I know you’re probably thinking what the hell do I know about you but truth is: I am You but grown up. There are so many things I wish you knew. But everything still works out. The main thing I want you to know or take away from this letter is to trust your power and stop letting the words and opinions of others (no matter how important they may seem to you) define or change who you are.

You’re a big dreamer with a big heart. You are more than what you think of yourself. You are not an unlovable failure who is an idiot. Please speak better to yourself! Just because no one says it often doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Be secure in your authentic self. I know the pain you hide behind every smile and the genuine self hate you have with every joke you make
about yourself. Your jokes aren’t even funny they’re actually sad because why would you say those things about yourself?

You call yourself all the wrong names and you answer to all the wrong names. To be honest you don’t even like being called Leah unless you’re blood related to someone when you’re older. You don’t need the approval you keep seeking from people. You are already valid. Yes, I know it would be nice to have someone validate you with kind words and gestures but hey play the cards you are dealt.

Girl , I wish you understood and knew your strength. Like girl you are resilient as fuck.
A true gem. The darkness you hold inside of you now; we learn to control. Even though it pains you don’t regret the heart you have. It comes in handy. Stop hating yourself please. So many blessings are being blocked for me because of the words you’ve sown. Yes we were ignorant but words have a lot of power.

Also, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Stop cutting yourself. Depression cannot keep winning. Life is so much more beautiful than you can imagine. You are not worthless and you deserve to live just as much as anyone else. I know you feel numb most days or you have to put on a mask but it’s nothing to kill your self over. You actually survive worse mental places in life. But I get it though. You just trying to feel and because you’re used to emotional pain; you inflicted physical pain.
I know you feel like I’m attacking you but you need to hear this. You’re not the victim you think you are. You are the conqueror. Everything that has ever happened to you is my villain origin story. I mean that in a good way. We learn to set boundaries in our late 20s and become villains to the people who tried to break us.

I just really wish you loved yourself enough as a teenager to see how truly great you are. Like girl you are the bees knees. Not the red thing around the bologna. Love yourself first so the world and people won’t chew you up and spit you out or simply toss you to the side. You are beautiful, intelligent and loved. It’s crazy how you pour love into to everyone else but you.

Seriously you are constantly calling yourself ugly and avoiding the mirror. You hate your body and it’s fine. You’re not the ugly duckling you were just born a swan. Your intelligence and body what makes you. It’s your heart. All the trauma you have suffered so far is not in vain. I just need you to love yourself through that pain. Like we end up becoming a mother. You literally have a daughter who adores you and is twice as stubborn as you are. We have to love ourself because she is a sponge and she soaks up everything we teach her whether it’s intentional or unintentional. I need you to love yourself because we struggle as an adult. And having a kid didn’t make it easier but it’s motivation. She needs to see a confident woman who loves herself and understands her value and you are her first teacher.

So love yourself kid because I love you! I’m proud of you and you actually don’t do to bad in life because you learn the importance of perspective. Plus nobody really warned or prepared us for how expensive being an adult is but we are managing. So if you see our kindergarten self tell her that she should have saved all those dollars we spent when we were her age.

As you can see our humor will always be intact. Lol

I love you Leah or shall I say Dee. That’s who we like to be called and we add pretty in front for a little razzle dazzle.

I LOVE YOU !! And I appreciate all that you are.

How am I changing the world?
The real question is what makes you think
Me of all people… One being.
Has the power to do so?
I ain’t no Jesus.
I can’t be a savior.
I can’t change the world.
But I can elevate my mind
and change my behavior.

The world is cruel.
We all just wear our
rose colored glasses.
And say we go to the
“beat of our own drum”
yet we still comment, like, follow and subscribe
in masses.
we still have to be hip with the latest trend
and we so easily give into the fleshly pleasures and desires
of sin.

The world is a conundrum of infinite paradoxes
and flexible morals that produce infinite quarrels.
It’s always, “Be Left or Right”, no in between.
Like thinking for oneself is a forgotten
right and a lost thing.

I can try to change the world.
But I always heard that the
“nail that sticks out will be hammered down”
Honestly who really wants the world to change?
I have been told it is as pointless
as chasing the wind and fighting the rain.
Many can assemble and try to fight for what’s right.
But i was told it is like being stranded in the middle of the ocean
with no land in sight;
You Scream for help as pools or sharks
surround you ready to take a bite.
Who said the world needs changing?
How else would we be entertained?
Who would we be able to blame when we don’t get it right?
Who’s fault will it be?

I know you think I am a cynic.
A Debby Downer, Negative Nancy, or Boo-Hoo Betty.
Or at least someone who is pessimistic and petty.
But I just wanted to keep it real.
This is the world we are talking about.

I am a black woman.
My life is assigned different cheap thrills.
If we are popping pills,
Would you choose red or blue?
To see or not to see…
That’s really the question.
It comes with answers that are the same yet different.

Everyone has a different experience.
Their stories of different yet similar themes and plots.
It is all about perspective.
Does the world really need to change?
Can I be perceptive and state my objective?
The world constantly changes whether
I will it or not.
The best thing I can do is change my
Behavior, think pure thoughts, and stay in my lane.

Because somewhere in the world
The poor will always be poor.
The sick will always be sick.

Someone will always be mourning the dead.
The streets will still run red with the blood of
innocent and the guilty.
Gun shots will still fly
and injustice with be one of the many
causes of why people die.
Realistically speaking
Every effort would be dross
because there will always be
the impending doom of chaos.

But I guess I can still try.

No one person
Man, Woman, Boy or Girl
can change the world.
But I can ignite my light.
I can shine bright
through the darkness.
be the beckon of light
that guides the lost home.
I can make an impact.

I can be the match
and light the wick
for the candles of change.
or i can be the kerosene
to keep the light going.
When the cold of the world is
extra mean.
I can keep you warm.
Nurse your wounds
if you should ever get harmed.

My mom gifted me a frame.
with a quote that said.
” Be the change you want to see in the world!”
To this day it still sits on the side of my bed.

I can’t change the world.
But I can choose to love and not to hate.
Everyone deserves respect.
That’s no debate.
I can live righteous
help strangers
and if i have the resources
deliver people out of
Danger.
I can be kind
and choose to not allow the world
to shut me up or make me blind.
I can teach the peace that comes in life
when you abandon sorrow, worry, and anger.
I can choose to love unconditionally.

Start a new trend.
Screaming on the streets
“Let love in!”
Because Love has already won
You just have to knock on the door of victory.
I ain’t no Harold Melvin
But i know the world won’t
get any better. If we let it be.
I can’t change the world.
But I can emulate what I hope it to be.
Because I know I am not going to
change the entire world
but I do know that a change can start with me.