To be honest, right now in this very moment I am in a space or season of uncomfortableness in my life. All my life I’ve worn different masks to fit in and be accepted that I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I could be with growth. I hate to admit it because I was comfortable in places where I guess normal people would be uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable in my depression, anxiety, self pity and hatred. I was okay with being trash even though I wasn’t. I embarked on taking all aspects of my healing and writing seriously during the pandemic. But i wasn’t prepared at all for the distractions that i would face. So for the next 2 1/2 years. I undid almost all my progress by being in a relationship and having a baby with a narcissist who had done everything short of killing my spirit. I was extremely uncomfortable with him but out of fear and my abandonment issues. I stayed. I became comfortable with the abuse and toxicity. I believe all the lies he told me. To be hundred percent genuine and transparent, I knew he was no good for me. But I got stuck on a feeling and I am stubborn. He was the first and only guy to pretend that he valued me. He would by me flowers, take me on dates, buy me gifts, and write me little love letters. He even said he wanted to marry me. Being a woman with extremely complicated daddy issues and traumas experiences with men; I tried to hold on to him and change myself to keep him because I believed he would change. So long story short I got tired of everything he did and was doing to me. I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself because it was destroying my mental health and I could not adequately function as a mom like I needed to. So earlier this year before my son turned one. I left him and I have never looked back. If anyone has experience with a true narcissist nothing I did to free myself was easy. So I am rebuilding and recovering from that extremely toxic relationship, learning how to balance and raise two children alone instead of one and taking the leap of faith by finally sharing my talent in writing with the world and still trying to take care of my mental health and heal from all my current and past trauma and everyone I care about. I normally would have tucked my tail and run away by now to old familiar environments but I haven’t. I always found comfort in quitting and hiding within my negative emotions. I found comfort in thinking terrible things about myself and not loving and giving myself grace. I was comfortable with abuse mental, emotional, and sometimes physical because I believed that was all I deserved in life. The unknown has always terrified me so as a trauma response I would go back to or put myself in maladaptive situations that cause pain because I’m used to it. I was like the children of Israel after they were delivered from Egypt who wanted to go back because I couldn’t see my promised land. But I decided to be different and challenge myself to conquer my fears and worries so I can achieve success and that scares the living crap out of me. I see my changes and the blessings coming to me but I am internally scared shitless (excuse my language). I haven’t had time to process anything that has happened in my life for real in the past 3 years and I’m still pushing forward but I have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don’t know how to handle so I pretend they aren’t there until I go crazy or figure out how to express them.
I’m afraid of success. I am afraid of achieving my goals and being the best me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. Even though I put in the work and it is what is to be expected. I’ve never experienced positive situations or at least for long. So I self sabotage because I don’t think I’m worthy all the time of goodness and happiness. I’m not used to actually having joy despite the chaos in my life. I’m used to feeling depression and sadness. I’m not used to being happy. And I’m so uncomfortable because I have to teach myself to accept all the things in life I’ve prayed for. I have to release maladaptive coping mechanisms that I thought were healthy but they aren’t. I have always watered others and never watered myself. I’ve shown people more love than I’ve ever shown myself ( and that is never okay). Taking time to breathe and feel positive emotions has been hard for me. It triggers my fight or flight response to be consistent in things and to show myself love. But I’m coming into my own power and learning to love myself and it’s so uncomfortable! (I’m literally dying or that’s how it feels) Sometimes I want to run back to the hell I am used to because that was the last time I felt comfortable. I had a routine and knew what to expect. I feel selfish and at times undeserving because I still beat myself up. I’ve been a certain way for so long that being in the newness and joys of life brings me deep anxiety. But being in this uncomfortable position has taught me so much. I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing out of all the terror, heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced in my entire life all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to process my positive emotions and I cry when I’m happy I get angry when I experience love. But it’s okay. I’m reaping the harvest from the tears I cried because of trauma and general lack. The tears I’ve cried are watering my seeds for my success.

Everyday I wake up I am choosing to actively do something different. I refuse to let myself run back to the false comfort of being with my ex and having a fake family. I would much rather deal with the uncomfortableness of success than deal with the uncomfortableness of watering myself down and making myself small for a man who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate and control me. I am proud of myself but I can’t celebrate just yet because I still have a lot more work to do. I thought I was buried but this whole time I was planted.