The Ordeal

Call it what you want but I’m being straightforward,

I’m trying my hardest to focus on myself but there is always that part of me that has to vent my good vibes of love even though too much of a good thing can easily go bad.

Some can call it selfish I don’t care anymore,

I’m looking for someone I can always feel comfortable and proud showering with care and inviting to places and events two friends can’t just go to.

I’m not saying it ever has to be more than a beautiful friendship, neither am I saying we can’t have other friends or interests.

I’m saying that I prefer to work on myself and have that one person to escape with whom I can rely on to be considerate and honest with me.

Well aware of circumstances I wouldn’t have to be more than a friend emotionally I would only suffer in moments of weakness where I confuse what I want with how I think I feel.

In my best headspace, I know that I will forever crave bonding on a personal level with this one person we focus on only each other in that sense. I know the reality that life happens things and people change and so do the things we want and how we feel.

But all of that is just an attempt to be safe and cautious about the passion that burns within my soul.

At heart I want to ignite a connection with someone that will change our lives forever I want to fail and lose in front of someone who won’t see it as weak until I win but see it as the strength in my character to keep walking in the rain until I reach the other side of the storm.

Truthfully I don’t know who I’m wishing for or when I will find them but I’m at a place where I know how much having someone right there in that place will mean to me I know that I’ve so far with people who weren’t capable of holding up and sometimes nobody there at all.

I’ve messed up good things before,
I’ve fumbled many bags,
I’ve sold many wins,
I still haven’t quit,

This is more than sexual desire,
This is more than craving intimacy,
This is more than needing a partner,
This is more than trying to fill voids,
This is more than a me thing,
I’m not sure what this feeling is but I know for a fact that I will never stop feeling this until that one is found.

All I’m saying is,
For now, let’s dance,
For now, let’s Sing,
For now, Let’s Party,
For now, let’s dress up and go out,
For now, Let’s Eat,
For now, let’s just enjoy the moments in life we might miss focusing too far down the road,
For now, let’s just be right here where we are and go from there,
Forget what all these success gurus and mentors are saying and whatever all these successful and famous people said they did before they got to where they are.

We have our own stories to write let’s not plagiarize anyone’s life of success and live right where we are.

All I’m saying is for now let’s focus on one foot in front of the other and see where we go.

Oh hi grief, we meet again and this time I am not fine. I was hoping that was the last time we would meet but once again I find myself counting down the time

Like the silent second hand of a watch everything feels numb
I can’t believe I’m here again but this time I don’t feel as dumb

Optimism use to shine bright like the sun reflecting off the waves but now I will have to sit alone- can I even be that brave

How can I even push through this horrendous season when last time you were the one who led
I guess I’ll have to hold my own hand and remember everything you said

Trying to feel the feels and maintain life for a while will be tough
I don’t want to do life without you- like omg why is life so rough

In the worst times of life you were my support and now this hardest time of all is coming and I feel all out of sorts

We have talked about our dreams and plans and never thought we’d have to go at them alone but one day I’ll be here with no other voice on the phone

You taught me to stand on my own and always look ahead and I’m so thankful for that because I am where I am today because of all the things you said

You pushed me, challenged me and always had my back and when things got crazy you helped me get back on track

I guess I’ll pack your things away to keep them safe and tight
All the while with tears streaming wishing you were here still in the fight

Have you ever let your mind sit under a cherry blossom tree
The poetic renewal massages the stress away the same way as the beach waves
Copy and paste, lying next to you is like closing your eyes under the sunset oceanside
A bright blushing sky with kisses of orange, and blue with a honeyed taste that simply grabs you
But nothing is as sweet as your sugar, under the shade of this suite
Fresh chill of a neutral setting is cooked by our body temperature
Peace in the reflection is bringing us closer
When I look back at how we arrived at this destination within the calm ripples I see a truth in the tomb of love at first sight
Our photograph under the light being born from fallen petals is a coveted site
I had to see the treasure I already had instead of searching for gold
That’s when our story began to unfold, I hate folding clothes
I rather unfold and devour deep conversations over shallow beverages
She likes easy ice, but I want more, as deep as the roots of this tree
The ying and yang
Discovering the ocean intricacies when it closes its eyes to dream and wakes up with a kiss complemented by a southern twang
She’s my main thang, calling my land line
Our language reads between the lines
Wrinkled with age or bitten white chocolate sheets
I love seeing your cherry blossom cheeks
p.s. you be the pink and I’ll be the red for Valentine’s…

It’s hard to think that just 5 years ago my mom ended her own life. Through years of battling addiction and struggling with mental health she could no longer take the pain of grasping another breath. It’s hard to look back with love when all I want to do is hate her. Pain, she caused me nothing but pain in her last years and those seem to be the most prominent memories in my mind. The joyful smile of a young girl with her loving mother is just a distant memory I’m never able to hold. Always screaming, when wasn’t she screaming, she fought demons in her mind and let them devour me with her. Abuse, fearing to see my next day, fearing death by the hands of my own mother. I still hear the echos of her voice telling me I was worthless to her something she wish she’d never had to look at, someone she’d never created. Red, shards of glass scattered across the floor, they were aimed for my head. She aimed them to hurt me. Remorse, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t mean it I promise I swear I could never hurt you. Lies, it was always a lie. Fear, pain, loss, hurt, yet so much empathy for the women who was hurt, the women who was once a little girl who was hurt so badly it changed her brain. A little girl who dreamed of growing up, a girl with aspirations and dreams, a girl who had a whole happy life ahead of her and saw no darkness in the world, a girl that was once just like me. How could I hate someone who I understand so deeply. Never will I agree with what the past holds but never will I hold the past against you. You were my mother, you were supposed to watch me grow and live a long life, but I understand the battle you faced in your mind everyday and I see how strong you were for holding on all those years.

I need you, I’m scared
The man who I thought was my father
Was only my Dad.
I knew too-right from wrong
But God is my Father,
And He is strong!
He’s not like my Dad though,
Yet, some similarities you know?
How is your Mom?
Is she still alive?
I wish to your place again
I could run and hide.
As kids and friends
Billy I was already perverted
Some scary stranger…
Wrecked my life.
And then he laughed about it
40 years later
How’s that a joke?
I don’t know.
But I’m better now,
I’m a child of the King!
And in 4 trillion more years…
I’ll still be!
Like prejudiced people used to say in school,
Calling some a wanna’ be
Except my wants changed.
I want to be a man of God,
I want to be good
I sure wish I could.
But I’m gonna try to learn how!
I miss you so bad
You were the first best friend I had.
My best friend now-since “1996”
Is the coolest!
His name is Mike
He’s from Cleveland
I’ve even prayed and cried over him.
I want him to go to heaven!
You better be there when I get home,
I want you to meet him.
I wish I had not
Brought you smoke.
I want to be buried under it.
You were like an exception
Dad would let me out.
He must had liked you too.
Sometimes I think
I haven’t changed much inside…
But I have! Hey,
I know you remember Scoot,
He told me what happened, at the bar
When he cried. Billy, I wish you never died!

Dear, Unsealers:

It’s the first day of the month of May.

April seemed to go by quickly. As one does when they participated in National Poetry Writing Month.

The calendar resets for the next thirty-one days. Spring is in full bloom.

With the opening day of the month being a Wednesday, I welcome the month by way of haiku, an imperfect one…

As the fifth month begins
Thirty one new days arrive
A welcome, to May!

In life, we say I love you,
Many won’t mean what they say.
In poetry, we say I love and then we take you somewhere further than outer space.

I say I love you to many in many different ways,
Love is too complicated then dares to never make sense.

There are so many ways to love someone only real love could understand the rest.

I love her as my Nurturer,
An artist who molded the most beautiful clay,
The momma bear whose cubs never starved a day.

I love him as my Foundation,
The cement of my soul when the tides of life wash the rest of me away,
The tesla of my heart he made me the light on your darkest days.

I love him as my own heart,
The fragile passion none could ever corrupt or dethrone,
The hero to my sidekick for as long as he lives I’ll never let him truly be alone,
He looks out for me, I’m his almost clone.

I love her as the earth loves the sky,
Sometimes she is my shade,
Sometimes she brings the rain,
Sometimes she may be the storm,
The mother of the artist,
She is the vision that the masterpiece was made for.

I love him as my mentor,
The flame of my candle when lost in the dark,
The script to the play when I never had a chance to practice my part,
The man behind the blueprint to a better-built heart.

I love them as my brothers,
A bond close to kin,
Should they never question my loyalty,
We save each other from our sins.

I love them as my sisters,
A love to fill a void of the things never had,
A love to protect and be vulnerable when things are good or bad.

I love them as family,
The kindest faces the ones we have yet to meet,
The only love that times has yet to defeat.
An impossible connection that defies the very ground beneath your feet.

I love her as the moon
Her love is my sun
No earth in sight,
A connection stronger than the deadliest spider web none has ever spun.

I love her as her escape
No interest in whether she deserves peace,
I’ll be her chance to just run away,
If she goes too far or finds herself lost,
I’ll love her as her return
For things that need her most could never recover from such loss.

I love them as their comfort,
I place they can be safe,
I’ll be their pillar until they need a pillow,
I’ll be both for them on my best days,
I’ll also be their discomfort because growth won’t happen any other way.

As for myself, my love is a Thorny mirror
For the things that I feel are a reflection of what I serve.
A taste-blind chef with intentions of shaking the world.
I love myself in a place of solitude as the one who hates to love alone.
I’ve been so far from where I was I forgot that I’ve passed where I wanted to go.
That’s what happens when aren’t looking ahead.
Now I just want to be bonded with the dream I’ve always had love for a gamble on a shooting star.
Memories of the longest chapter I’ve ever written so far.
Love for the one who always gets a page no matter what chapter I’m on.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life,
Therefore, every next one I’m in-is a new chapter.
Every morning, I wake up, God’s mercies to me are new-
So, with on my heart, His daily touch- I am able to prove…
That I love Him, that I am thankful-that He is the only One able
To mold and strengthen my life, because it’s so easily breakable.

Just one more day to prove-how much for others I will lose.
And know that my tears for others are real,
Because always for the next person, I’m to lift up-
I’ll lose if they can gain, the Master of the universe to me explains…
That He was there always, and is there forever-
He has placed His Word inside of me. as the greatest Treasure!

A time to be married to my beautiful wife,
A time to live with my kids,
Time and again to prove my life is (for others) to give!
A time to know, a time of notion
A time to grow in the fact connection,
That helping others build, is in-tact protection.

A chapter to heal with the faithful “Unsealed”
Understanding (unworthily) I have been blessed for real!
whether I look back, or pierce through ahead
Life is still permanently on track, my life is hid-my life is dead!
But that’s a good thing…Because it’s the old life that’s dead!

It makes me smile as I cry…
Knowing all the while-my soul will never die!
Rather in eternity-with Christ is life forever,
And best of all, while down here on this earth…
Is to show my schizophrenia has no worth-
Over the grace of God-that I cling to endeavor!

As chance and chapter to prove purity-is more dominant than deceit
With the bowels of the new heart and spirit-God has freely given me!!!

…Amen

4-24-24

I hope you weren’t up late that night waiting for me.
I knew the hour wasn’t great to call.
I had priorities in life-
I felt my back against the wall.
Also seemed there wasn’t much I could discuss with you or say.
And then the moment changed my life.
When I got word that you had passed away.
I actually felt my world stop spinning .
I stepped back taking look at myself.
Knowing precisely at that moment –
How Lonely that you must have felt.
And every day that passes now
You are in my thoughts more so.
A better person I strive to be
Because that’s the only way that I can grow.
I want to say I am so sorry
I wasn’t there when my time you did need.
This Letter goes out to Someone…
Remember to Cherish the people you Love
Without selfishness & greed.

Give me peaches like burning clouds.

The vermillion mass of blankets reflects off the Vermilion Great Lakes.

Like the raging sorrow and disbelief that my heart floats upon.

Intensity blooms in the latitude as I see you for the last time.

A weeping willow as I cry under the tree.

Eyes drooping with rainstorms.

Nothing more seems to amaze me.

As the pull of your spirits linger.

Sunshine beams fearlessly through the hurricane of Venus like clouds.

“Be as thy presence is gracious and kind” something you would tell me when my mind tornadoes.

Mind flustered with dazzling memories.

Lightning over me with your nourishing energy that conveys everywhere I drift on Earth.

Our compressed bond brings me back to resilience.

I will always levitate on the sweet joy that you left behind.

Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.

People all around have lost their sight
In return has made this world loose its light
Hate and darkness are spread
while people try to hide it all with meds
Instead of opening their eyes they become more blind
which makes the light harder to find
People are becoming more like animals losing sight of humanity
Which is destroying the future you see
We all secretly want the same thing
to truly be loved & not shown pain
We forget to be the person we needed when we were younger
especially when that darkness hit with that Hungers
People can always be the change in this world & save humanity
Even if it just starts with you and little Ol me
Someone must finally open their eyes
To see past all the masks, disguises, & lies
Just as easy as hate can spread
Love & Kindness could be instead
One match can bring light to the dark
The dark cannot overpower the spark
Unless you give that power away
Nobody can make or break your day
Working together for the greater good
Has been somehow misunderstood
It is time we all open our hearts & quit being sheep
Show love instead & let the evil sow what it reap

The Art of Growth

Stagnant. Dormant. Idle. Sluggish.
All feelings of a pace I’ve gotten too familiar with.
I’m in a courtship with anxiety,
And an engagement with depression.
Yet, these are two relationships I don’t want to be a part of.

Reflect. Ponder. Meditate. Think.
These daily reminders ping in my head.
Telling me to give myself a break, take it easy, let it out and let it go.
But they only stay for the moment, and then I forget to be kind to myself.

I wonder what being 30 is like for others.
I wonder what being 30 is like for me.
Am I behind? Am I lost? Is this okay?

I reflect on how everyone is moving at their own pace.
I ponder over how far I’ve come, yet how short of a time I’ve been around.
I meditate on how there’s no such thing as behind, because this is my version of now.
I think about how being lost isn’t a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to learn.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. And that’s the art of growth.