I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, it was 10th grade. My friend was sitting across the table from me but I couldn’t help but look past her and notice all the people around the room listening to their headphones. Questioning my friend wondering if she knew what everyone was listening to, little did I know not only did she know, but she knew they were listening to something relating to me. We’ll get back to this.
There was a guy a grade older than me that I started dating a few weeks prior. We would hang out, I told him some deep secrets of mine, and one day he came over to my house and we were making out in my bedroom when a condom fell out of his pocket. I was mortified. I had no intentions of having sex with him, not any time soon anyway. I was offended that he even brought one thinking it was a possibility. After this incident we stopped hanging out and apparently rejecting him in a sense, pissed him off.
Back to the cafeteria where everyone was listening to something on their headphones simultaneously- after my friend told me it had something to do with me and I should listen for myself, I asked a guy at the next table to let me listen. He hesitated, but gave me his headphones and pointed to a CD case that said “Sherry” as the first song listed. He started the song and it sounded like “Stan” by Eminem. You know, the one where he drives Kim off a cliff at the end. The intro went on, it was Eminem’s song, and then the words started and it was the kid with the condom singing, with 3 of his friends from school taking turns rapping private details about my life that I had shared with him in the few weeks we dated instead of the Eminem lyrics about Stan. I listened to it, and then stormed through the middle of the cafeteria to the guidance counselor’s office.
The guidance counselor ended up getting a smidge of justice for me, the guys weren’t allowed to go on their senior trip; the embarrassment was not comparable though. I started acting out a lot in school, more than I already had, I think subconsciously I wanted to get kicked out to get away from the people who heard the song and the people who wrote it. I was hurt by my friend who knew and didn’t tell me. I felt completely alone in a school full of people. Eventually I did in fact get sent to another school. It was a mixture of things that led to that, but if the incident in the cafeteria never happened, I don’t think things would have gone the way they did afterwards.
I was a depressed teenager. I had the typical “emo” look; dark, dark black eyeliner, red dyed hair, band t-shirts, ripped jeans, and converse sneakers. Literally me in high school. It wasn’t just the look though, I wasn’t “playing a part.” I was clinically depressed. I had been recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, actually, at that time. I purposely listened to music that would make me feel worse. I fed my own disease. I self-harmed from a young age, and I smoked and drank starting at 13. I was jumping boyfriend to boyfriend. My life was a hot mess. There were many times my mom would take me to the ER to be evaluated, I think hoping that I’d be admitted for a little while. I never got admitted (until I was 21) because I hadn’t admitted to wanting to commit suicide or harm someone else.
I met a guy at a bonfire when I was 16, he was 23, and he was homeless at the time. The bonfire was under an overpass with a big truck tire with a fire and a lot of cheap beer. I thought he was cute, and I ended up sneaking him into my garage at my mom’s house with a sleeping bag for over a week before she caught him. We started hanging out, I helped him get a license, a car, a job, and a place to live- we were dating at this point for a while, we dated 4 years by the time we broke things off. Looking back, what did a 23 year old want anything to do with a 16 year old for? I got arrested with him. Thankfully I was underage, in that case, and my charges didn’t stick with me past 18. Nothing about that relationship was beneficial to me, now that I can look back on it with a clear head.
My next real relationship was when I was 21 and dated a guy who had only been out of prison for less than a year. I knew it was a red flag, because I remember telling my mom about him and saying, “He has 2 red flags, I’ll tell you one before you meet him and one after you meet him.” I still to this day don’t understand where my logic was with that one, at all, acknowledging red flags should have been enough to not meet him. Well I did, and we lived together for 9 months from there. It was the most abusive relationship I’ve ever been in or known about personally. Physical, mental, sexual, you name it. It was terrible. Don’t ask me why when he got arrested after 9 months I kept visiting him in prison knowing he had 2 and a half years to do. (Yes, he was in prison before we met, and again.) I wasted a long time keeping him going in there, phone calls, letters, visits, someone to look forward to coming home to. I stopped contact though after a year. Those incoming letters to me were not very friendly after that. Eventually they stopped.
The pattern I was developing of guys using me or abusing me was really destroying my self-esteem and self-worth. I gained over 200 pounds after high school. Most of which was after the second relationship I mentioned. If we connect the dots, the guy with the condom in the beginning was presumably hoping for sex that day, which clearly made me feel some type of way, used possibly? Could a bullying incident in high school be the beginning of a lifetime of low self-esteem?
According to the way movies and television put the topic out there, kids that are bullied end up with low self-esteem as they grow up. They typically portray them as awkward or shy. Either that, or a bully themselves. I never put two and two together that I had such low self-esteem when I was allowing myself to live the way I was living. I must not have thought I deserved any better. Sleeping in abandoned buildings when I knew my mom had a bed for me at home, sending money to an inmate in prison, maybe I thought that was the best I could do. I met a guy who I could talk to 24 hours straight and never get bored, we hung out every single day for months, we acted like a couple except we never left his house and no one knew about us. I wanted to be able to tell people and hang out with other people as a couple, but he didn’t. Eventually the relationship fizzled out. I felt very used at that point, too. All of that led me to the next guy who I have been married to for over 10 years now.
We met on a dating website (before apps were cool), and messaged back and forth a few times within the same hour, and he asked if I wanted to just grab dinner. Spontaneously I said sure, and he picked me up. The rest is history. I have never felt as loved as I do by my husband. I can honestly say I never loved or have been loved before him, now that I know what love truly is. I deserve it, and I think that’s why it works. If I didn’t believe I deserved it, we wouldn’t have lasted. I would have found a way to pass up a good guy. How did I come to terms with the fact that I deserve good things and to be treated well? It wasn’t easy. I had to lose a really important friendship in order to grow as an individual, as silly as it sounds. I had to find a job that I loved, and at the time working with autistic adults was my passion and that is what I was doing. I was coaching a soccer team at the time, feeling confident that I was able to be on the field in some capacity again. I put the work in to build myself up after years of being pulled down. You can too. Turn your negatives into positives and grow from there.
My husband and I were sitting outside on our patio talking the other night and somehow the story about everyone listening to their headphones in the cafeteria in high school came up. The empathy in his eyes was so comforting, I’m not sure I have received that level before. He told me I should write a book. I’m not sure there’s enough to write a book, but enough to make a point. Shall we all do some growing?

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you because you have trust issues, but I will tell you anyway. There will be days when you will be on top of the world, and then there will be days when life knocks you so far down you don’t think you will see any light, but in between those days, you will be alright.

Would you believe me if I told you that one day you will have the courage to speak up? Or that your presence can radiate happiness and kindness? No, surely you wouldn’t. Because that’s so hard to perceive when well, you didn’t want to believe.

Would you believe me if I told you that the cure to loving anyone is by first loving you? No, not yet you wouldn’t. Well, it’s true.

Would you believe me if I told you that the fight would be worth it? Well, it is. Because you see, the you that I am talking to is me!

So take the rest when it’s needed, and protect your inner peace. Take in the things you learn and remember when to speak!

I know sometimes things will be hard and this life is not meant for the weak. But understand that all of your life lessons will help you find the happiness it is you seek.

I know you stress,
Because I put you to the test.
I know you’re scared of the unknown,
But I’m here and I’m grown.
You’ll hurt yourself along the way,
But you’ll live to see a sober day.
Almost 33 now,
I know…we’re both asking how???
The pain is strong,
But come along!!!
You’re clinging to music,
That’s good. We’re going to use it!!!
Those artists will know your name,
I’m still working hard and we haven’t hit Fame.
Not yet, at least,
keep going. It’s no doubt you’re a beast.
Some call you Savage
you desire a life of lavish.
You’re not wrong… The mission is bigger than you think.
But come along and I’ll take you where we belong.
You’ll cry and ocean’s worth of tears,
I mean literally for years…
But don’t ever forget that song
We’ll take every shot you got
I don’t know it all,
but your phone they will call.
I’m trying to close some deals,
prepare us some meals.
To be eat like a queen
by your idols you will be seen.
We’re making a difference
Stay positive in your Deliverance
It’s time for me to go
I can’t wait to watch you grow
I love you the most
That I need you to know…
Breathe deep
Cuz your future I keep!!!

Hey, you, old man.
This is a letter to yourself and from yourself.
You know all those things you’ve done wrong,
Regardless of who’s fault, or who’s right or wrong.
But this is not of that my friend…
Yeah, it’s amazing.You can call yourself friend now, but you are! ♥
I know those things I put myself and others through.
I remember the dreams and aspirations.All the good things I had for you.
Looking back is confusing and God it just makes me cry.
But I’m gonna try to leave You out too.Because this is a letter to myself. To maybe find out why.
But God I can’t, I can’t look back Because it hurts too much…
I can’t go to the beach, I can’t go to school, I can’t go to church, Sitting bereaved, I feel a fool.
But Lord, I can’t do it, I cannot watch.
Cannot go to Toledo. Cannot go to Cleveland cannot go back to jail, God what am I believing?
Cannot run to West Virginia, cannot hospital trend…
All along.I hated myself, yet all the while was a good friend. ☺
I can’t even write.I’m sorry I can’t do this.
All along my life, it was my own mark I missed.
But that’s a good thing because i’m not in hell…
Only I could see my place where ever if I made, could never get bail.
I’m sorry, no can do.
God thank you for saving me from me.

Dear You,

Never in a million years did I think I would be so connected with you, but at the same time disconnected.

The thought of ever thinking of you as a POSITIVE mainstay (I use mainstay literally), in my life is like finding a person who does not know what an iPhone is.

The bane of your existence on another person would literally freeze me.

I could not talk at the mere sight of seeing what felt like a drowning impact you had and sometimes still have, on the lives of innocent humans.

Prematurely punishing them with the ability to not talk!

This confinement… well, it just seems like the prison sentence of Jeffrey Deskovic, a man who spent 16 years innocently behind bars. A person who missed 16 years of freedom, family events, friends, and much, much more, for being wrongfully accused.

This powerful story can be read in the new book – “Unseal Your Superpowers: Letters To Inspire The Hero Within You” by Lauren Brill.
(See bottom for link to book).

So much of my life with you I let myself die inside by not behaving as my authentic self.

I was in a stranglehold with you that even the Hulk would not be strong enough to combat your grasp.

Despite you letting go of that fiercely tight grip, I have the scars to show for it.

After years of healing, the scar’s are still there. All but so faint, no amount of scar cream can make it evaporate.

The pain of you will always be there, nagging me like a tag on the back of a shirt.

I realize that tag is not meant to be ripped off or even taken off as a whole, it’s there as a reminder that sometimes a tag or label will never die, but if you don’t like it you can always use tie dye.

Despite the tag or label still there, this time, I am going to exchange it for one that fits me! Only me — the authentic me! After all, no one can be me!

So, I thank you for the lessons you have taught me, cerebral palsy. Now, I’m going to live life authentically and OWN you, tag and all!

Love your once enemy and now friend,

Jake

Here Is the link to the story mentioned above, and much more.

We are currently donating a portion of our proceeds (10%) to two charities:

Lift Our Voices, which aims to transform the American workplace, making it safer and more equitable for everyone, and Team LeGrand, a fundraising arm of the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation dedicated to supporting quality-of-life initiatives and treatments for spinal cord injuries.

A note to my younger self
Dear Ms. Vicki Lawana,
I realize you were raised with a double standard as the after affects of being born in 1949.
You were born on September 18, 1949. The most popular song of that year was “RAGTIME COWBOY JOE” By Jo Stafford. The most popular movie was “MISS GRANT TAKES RICHMOND” starring Lucille Ball and William Holden. A comedy about a secretary who unwittingly helps her boss run a betting parlor.
You have so much potential as a young woman. You were born with so many talents. However, you were told as a woman you had to buckle down take care of your man. You questioned that point of view by asking questions of all the family. You thought maybe you were born again, as you looked out your window counting the stars asking the universe why you were here in this house, with this family and now what? You hear a choir singing from far away, as though the angels answered your question.
You grew up learning to play the piano for hours, writing music, singing the blues. Your mom and grandma were your biggest fans.
But as time went on you were told you could not be a singer or none of the things you were interested in at that time. There were only four things a woman was allowed to do in 1949.
1. Secretary
2. Housewife, baby maker, home maker
3. Nurse
4. Retail clerk
Then when your dad tried to teach you mechanics, your mom told you, “Baby girl, ladies don’t work on cars.” So, you went inside the house crying tears of pain because your poppa was your hero. Your mom did not know any better. Your poppa told your mom. “Honey, there will be a time when ladies do work on cars. At least I wanted to teach her the basics.”
Your dad worked long hours except he never worked on a Sunday as that was his family time. Your poppa bought you all the latest rock n roll of the 60s and 70s. Music was the go-to for everything in your family.
You visited a nightclub when you were 15, jumping on stage singing “I’m Sorry” by Brenda Lee.
Of course, you were only 15 and your dad found you, pulled you off stage. Sometime after that you quit singing or playing the piano. That was devastating to you. You would sit in your room writing songs and lyrics listening to all the latest bands.
You grew up in a male patriarchal society. A woman could not buy a house or car without her husband. You marched in parades for equal rights for women and civil rights for people of color.
When the 70s arrived and the women’s movement had opened doors for women to go to college and not be codependent on their husbands. Your dad sent you to nursing school in 1969. You began college studying business management and journalism. You discovered you had a high IQ of 135. You remember back in 1967 you were told your IQ was 95 below average. You were being prepared to survive in a male patriarchal society where men were smart, and women were 2nd class citizens.
You rebelled against this, but still loved men and not always choosing the best characters.
I want to explain, Ms. Vicki, that you listened to everyone but yet kept going to college and aspiring to fulfill your dreams. You worked at the LA Times when you were 30. However, you were introduced to a dude by his brother that worked there. You married him, had two babies as you thought your time clock was running out. When you landed the job at The LA Times it was not about marriage or babies. So once again you lived your double standard. You were divorced in 1989.
Then you worked with a dude in the music and film industry whom you married.
You never really had to marry anyone or have children to fulfill your womanly desires.
I tell you as younger self, finish your degree, don’t marry because you think you must, work hard, play hard, study hard. It’s your life. Then one day you would meet the artist who respects you as a human being not a 2nd class citizen.
Write those stories, interview the same stars you interviewed with your man, but do these procedures as a woman, educated, strong and successful.
I tell my younger self, Ms. Vicki, you are unique, eccentric, artist. You don’t need a man to make you a whole person. The truth be told it’s the men who need a woman to make them feel like a man.
So as a young woman you can do anything your heart desires and use your own talents in your career not worried about your man. Your man will love you for your strong qualities not just a ragtime cowboy side kick, but as a partner in life, a friend, a lover.
GO FOR GUSTO, MS. VICKI!
The rock song of 2023 was “Angry” by The Rolling Stones. The best movie was “Love at First Sight” by Netflix. Have we changed in the last decades? Yes, there are many changes. We stream music and movies through the internet. Web no longer have to go to the theater or concerts to see stars.
There is a group of people in America today who want women to go back to 1949. Ms. Vicki, please work not to let this happen. If there was a time machine I would like to sit and talk to my younger self to tell you, do not marry just because it’s the trend. Do not have babies just because your internal clock is ticking. Study, work, play but do it on your own please.
Ms. Vicki, you love your kids and grands very much. Surly you know your kids and grands have so many choices as men or women. There’s a new future ahead. There’s a rainbow of colors spreading all over the land. The Earth turns in motion to the beat of eternity as learn to move forward for equality for all.

In a world of toes and heels
There resides a villain, fibrous and real.
Plantar fibromatosis, a foe
Transforms my feet into a peculiar grind.

Nodules and bumps they sprout with delight,
Turning shoes, into foes that plot through the night.
Every step brings a wince and a frown,
Oh why must these growths be so renowned?

I tread with caution like a stroll
Avoiding pressure to maintain some control.
These fibrous companions have their say
Playing tricks on my feet day, after day.

I yearn for shoes that offer respite
They taunt me creating an odd plight.
“Give it your shot ” I say with a grin
I’ll hobble forward making every step akin!

So here’s to plantar fibromatosis my amusing companion,
Transforming each stride into an union.
I’ll Wiggle as I manage the scene
With humor and laughter keeping it all serene!

Dear Younger Self,

I hope this letter finds you well, full of curiosity, and with a heart full of dreams. I know that as you grow older, life might become more complicated, but I want to share some words of advice and encouragement with you. First and foremost, please remember that you are enough just as you are. You don’t need to change to fit someone else’s idea of perfection. Embrace your uniqueness, your quirks, and your individuality. These are the qualities that will make you stand out in a world filled with conformity.

Life will throw its fair share of curveballs your way. Some will be difficult to handle, and you’ll feel like you’re drowning in a sea of uncertainty. But let me assure you that you are stronger than you think. With each challenge that comes your way, you’ll grow, learn, and evolve. These experiences will shape you into a resilient and compassionate individual.

Don’t be afraid to take risks. The biggest regrets often stem from opportunities not taken. Be bold in pursuing your dreams and passions. It’s okay to make mistakes; they are valuable lessons that will help you become wiser.

Nurture your relationships. The people who love and support you are your greatest treasures. Cherish every moment with them, and never take their presence for granted. Be patient and forgiving, both with others and with yourself.

Remember to take care of your body and mind. Your health is a precious gift, and self-care should be a priority. Eat well, stay active, and find time to relax and rejuvenate.

Education is a powerful tool, and it will open doors to new opportunities and ideas. Keep your thirst for knowledge alive. Read, explore, and never stop asking questions.

Lastly, the world can be a complex and sometimes daunting place, but don’t let it deter you. There is so much beauty to discover, and your journey is just beginning. Trust in yourself, follow your heart, and embrace the adventure that is life.

I believe in you, younger self. You have the potential to achieve incredible things, to make a difference, and to find happiness in unexpected places. Be kind, be brave, and always hold on to your dreams.

With love and encouragement,

Lisa

This letter is to my younger self in hopes that she remembers that these events were not done to you that they were placed for you. Placed for you in this lifetime because you are a badass and always come out with your smile as bright as the sun and your head held higher than the clouds. When you tell people of your story you deem it to be normal while others are floored with how it has been for you. You are you for a reason but most importantly never forget that your feelings are indeed valid, do not put others needs before you when you are tired and need to rest and recharge. Remember learning an enormous amount of compassion and empathy for others which is a rare superpower. Once you have recharged and nurtured yourself then you can go and help others. Never regret the help you’ve given others, remember that empowering feeling you get once you do; like you can do anything. Remember to keep going and never stop and when you look back don’t forget to smile because we did all that and then some. I love you I can’t wait to color and go rollerblading.

To my younger, I wish I could go back in time and live those childhood moments again. As I got older I realized that those moments cannot be done again, but at the end of the day I lived those moments and had a lot of fun and experienced a lot of things. If I could go back and name a time that I really enjoyed it would be going to the Browns training camps every summer with my uncle and cousins. Being able to watch the Browns practice in Berea was one of the best things that I have ever done when I was younger. As I got older, I started to cherish everything about my childhood and would never trade it for anything. Last but not least, to the younger me experience as much as you can and have fun.

To your younger self,

I know you because I was once you. You were always angry, so angry to the point where your dad took you to anger management classes. You would get into fights without any real cause behind it. Then, the school would suspend you because of it. I am really proud of you by the way because now we were able to cool our anger down to the point where we were able to graduate high school; with A’s and B’s throughout our junior and senior years.

You are now in college working on becoming a Digital Marketing Manager and you also gained a position in an internship as a Social Media Manager, and with two years of hard work you gained a great number of followers on Tiktok.

Stop being so angry at the world. It’s not your fault that you are going through what you’re going through and it’s also not your parent’s fault either because they don’t know what you are going through. You can’t change the past, you can only look toward the future. Drop the anger and look at your strengths and continue to be brave and strong, and lean on the people who care about you. All they want to do is see you succeed.

Love, 23-Year-Old Kayjah