I was asked if I had one message for each and every one of you about one thing I’ve learned in life, what would I say. “The pain won’t last forever.”
That horrible gut wrenching darkness that is nearly squeezing the life out of. That feeling won’t last forever. Tell yourself that and keep pushing through. Every moment ends, and a new one begins. Some last longer than others but the pain will end. So hold tight. Don’t give up.
That anxiety through the roof, heart pounding, sweat dripping, head throbbing you’re feeling? The pain won’t last forever. You will feel yourself again. This will pass. Breathe.
Through my *almost*37 years of life I’ve learned that we suffer a lot. We go through many ups and downs and some people deal with more downs than ups, unfortunately. The one thing that finally clicked with me after years of hearing that I should “take a walk” or “try yoga” or “try painting, you like painting;” was hearing someone say, “the pain won’t last forever.” Those words kept me going. Those words keep me going. They keep me going through low times and also anxiety sometimes. When I’m feeling anxiety I often tell myself “this wont last forever” and it helps me calm down.
So, World, incase you need to hear this: the pain won’t last forever.
When I was a kid I always wanted to be an art teacher. As I got a little older I wanted to be an art therapist. When I was 25 I ended up on disability and didn’t work or finish school, and it wasn’t until I was 34 that I got a job again. Without a degree you can’t be an art teacher or an art therapist, but I got a job in recreation therapy in a nursing home in the dementia community. In therapeutic recreation I got to teach art, and practice art therapy. I painted with the patients, colored, did arts and crafts, played music, wrote poetry, and sang and danced. Without any schooling for the position I was able to do everything I always wanted to do with the most rewarding population to work with. I applied for the job knowing my experience was mainly personal, but I also had experience caring for autistic adults, so I did have some caregiving behind me as well. I took a shot and ended up with my dream job. I worked there for 2 years and enjoyed every day of it. I got to do what I love and made people smile and feel productive and motivated. I moved up in my department quickly, from recreation assistant to memory care recreation wellness specialist. I took pride in my work and made a lot of amazing connections while there. I’ll forever be grateful for the opportunity to live my dream for even 2 years.
That little blonde bowl cut with the straight bangs
The smile ear to ear
Nothing evokes pride like seeing yourself as a child with no fear
I’ve watched home videos and seen the energy
Spinning around like Taz, you see
I loved the camera, all eyes on me
I didn’t care about anything
If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself it’s that the little version of me was tough
She saw things and heard things no little girl should see or hear
But she kept on keeping on, took the wheel and steered
She took control and made her own way
Her hair went from blonde to now growing her first gray
I thank that little girl for never giving up
I love that little girl for letting me grow up
Sherry, I love your description of yourself as a child. It seems like we all had a bowl cut and bangs at one point or another. I am inspired by the way your younger self experienced terrible things but still went on to grow into a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I only hope you’ve had your moment of clarity now before it smears on the rearview mirror and can’t be refocused. I only hope that the changes you’ve made in yourself not only heal you but make you want to heal others you’ve hurt along the way. I only wish that the words you speak now and the softness in your voice were present when I was soaking it all in at a vulnerable time in my life, young with a mind so clean it absorbed anything it heard and saw. I only wish that time gave us the ability to move forward from the past and not forgive or forget but make peace with it. I can only imagine what life would have been like if you were you now- then. Was I jipped? Did the ones who came into your life later get the version of you I deserved? I can only hope there’s time left to get my shot. Do you deserve it? Maybe not. Do I hold grudges? Absolutely. Can people change to the core? I couldn’t say. I can only hope, and I can only accept what you’re offering for what it is and not for what I’d wished for before, because lately I’ve been wondering what’s next, what’s the rest of this life got in store? I can’t rewrite history but we can open a new door.
I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, it was 10th grade. My friend was sitting across the table from me but I couldn’t help but look past her and notice all the people around the room listening to their headphones. Questioning my friend wondering if she knew what everyone was listening to, little did I know not only did she know, but she knew they were listening to something relating to me. We’ll get back to this.
There was a guy a grade older than me that I started dating a few weeks prior. We would hang out, I told him some deep secrets of mine, and one day he came over to my house and we were making out in my bedroom when a condom fell out of his pocket. I was mortified. I had no intentions of having sex with him, not any time soon anyway. I was offended that he even brought one thinking it was a possibility. After this incident we stopped hanging out and apparently rejecting him in a sense, pissed him off.
Back to the cafeteria where everyone was listening to something on their headphones simultaneously- after my friend told me it had something to do with me and I should listen for myself, I asked a guy at the next table to let me listen. He hesitated, but gave me his headphones and pointed to a CD case that said “Sherry” as the first song listed. He started the song and it sounded like “Stan” by Eminem. You know, the one where he drives Kim off a cliff at the end. The intro went on, it was Eminem’s song, and then the words started and it was the kid with the condom singing, with 3 of his friends from school taking turns rapping private details about my life that I had shared with him in the few weeks we dated instead of the Eminem lyrics about Stan. I listened to it, and then stormed through the middle of the cafeteria to the guidance counselor’s office.
The guidance counselor ended up getting a smidge of justice for me, the guys weren’t allowed to go on their senior trip; the embarrassment was not comparable though. I started acting out a lot in school, more than I already had, I think subconsciously I wanted to get kicked out to get away from the people who heard the song and the people who wrote it. I was hurt by my friend who knew and didn’t tell me. I felt completely alone in a school full of people. Eventually I did in fact get sent to another school. It was a mixture of things that led to that, but if the incident in the cafeteria never happened, I don’t think things would have gone the way they did afterwards.
I was a depressed teenager. I had the typical “emo” look; dark, dark black eyeliner, red dyed hair, band t-shirts, ripped jeans, and converse sneakers. Literally me in high school. It wasn’t just the look though, I wasn’t “playing a part.” I was clinically depressed. I had been recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, actually, at that time. I purposely listened to music that would make me feel worse. I fed my own disease. I self-harmed from a young age, and I smoked and drank starting at 13. I was jumping boyfriend to boyfriend. My life was a hot mess. There were many times my mom would take me to the ER to be evaluated, I think hoping that I’d be admitted for a little while. I never got admitted (until I was 21) because I hadn’t admitted to wanting to commit suicide or harm someone else.
I met a guy at a bonfire when I was 16, he was 23, and he was homeless at the time. The bonfire was under an overpass with a big truck tire with a fire and a lot of cheap beer. I thought he was cute, and I ended up sneaking him into my garage at my mom’s house with a sleeping bag for over a week before she caught him. We started hanging out, I helped him get a license, a car, a job, and a place to live- we were dating at this point for a while, we dated 4 years by the time we broke things off. Looking back, what did a 23 year old want anything to do with a 16 year old for? I got arrested with him. Thankfully I was underage, in that case, and my charges didn’t stick with me past 18. Nothing about that relationship was beneficial to me, now that I can look back on it with a clear head.
My next real relationship was when I was 21 and dated a guy who had only been out of prison for less than a year. I knew it was a red flag, because I remember telling my mom about him and saying, “He has 2 red flags, I’ll tell you one before you meet him and one after you meet him.” I still to this day don’t understand where my logic was with that one, at all, acknowledging red flags should have been enough to not meet him. Well I did, and we lived together for 9 months from there. It was the most abusive relationship I’ve ever been in or known about personally. Physical, mental, sexual, you name it. It was terrible. Don’t ask me why when he got arrested after 9 months I kept visiting him in prison knowing he had 2 and a half years to do. (Yes, he was in prison before we met, and again.) I wasted a long time keeping him going in there, phone calls, letters, visits, someone to look forward to coming home to. I stopped contact though after a year. Those incoming letters to me were not very friendly after that. Eventually they stopped.
The pattern I was developing of guys using me or abusing me was really destroying my self-esteem and self-worth. I gained over 200 pounds after high school. Most of which was after the second relationship I mentioned. If we connect the dots, the guy with the condom in the beginning was presumably hoping for sex that day, which clearly made me feel some type of way, used possibly? Could a bullying incident in high school be the beginning of a lifetime of low self-esteem?
According to the way movies and television put the topic out there, kids that are bullied end up with low self-esteem as they grow up. They typically portray them as awkward or shy. Either that, or a bully themselves. I never put two and two together that I had such low self-esteem when I was allowing myself to live the way I was living. I must not have thought I deserved any better. Sleeping in abandoned buildings when I knew my mom had a bed for me at home, sending money to an inmate in prison, maybe I thought that was the best I could do. I met a guy who I could talk to 24 hours straight and never get bored, we hung out every single day for months, we acted like a couple except we never left his house and no one knew about us. I wanted to be able to tell people and hang out with other people as a couple, but he didn’t. Eventually the relationship fizzled out. I felt very used at that point, too. All of that led me to the next guy who I have been married to for over 10 years now.
We met on a dating website (before apps were cool), and messaged back and forth a few times within the same hour, and he asked if I wanted to just grab dinner. Spontaneously I said sure, and he picked me up. The rest is history. I have never felt as loved as I do by my husband. I can honestly say I never loved or have been loved before him, now that I know what love truly is. I deserve it, and I think that’s why it works. If I didn’t believe I deserved it, we wouldn’t have lasted. I would have found a way to pass up a good guy. How did I come to terms with the fact that I deserve good things and to be treated well? It wasn’t easy. I had to lose a really important friendship in order to grow as an individual, as silly as it sounds. I had to find a job that I loved, and at the time working with autistic adults was my passion and that is what I was doing. I was coaching a soccer team at the time, feeling confident that I was able to be on the field in some capacity again. I put the work in to build myself up after years of being pulled down. You can too. Turn your negatives into positives and grow from there.
My husband and I were sitting outside on our patio talking the other night and somehow the story about everyone listening to their headphones in the cafeteria in high school came up. The empathy in his eyes was so comforting, I’m not sure I have received that level before. He told me I should write a book. I’m not sure there’s enough to write a book, but enough to make a point. Shall we all do some growing?
Sherry, I am so sorry for what happened in high school. Betrayal is evil and painful. Interestingly, I had always had relatively good self-esteem, however I was single for a long time – and I also often felt used. It was a challenge at times not to let other people’s mistreatment question my self-worth – and that’s even true despite the fact that…read more
I miss you more than you’d ever imagine. The last time I saw you was 2 days before you were found, no longer breathing. It was your birthday and you took me to the store to get a new phone. Our plan was to spend our birthdays together in the next day or two because mine was 3 days after yours. I never in a million years expected what was to come after you dropped me off at home after the store that day. I text you like I always did, you told me you were at a restaurant nearby and asked if I wanted to meet you there. I declined and wish I’d never have said no. My biggest regret. Later that night I text to see how it was going, if you were having fun, etc. but got no response. I figured you had a long night and went to sleep so the next morning I text again (as I normally would). No response. I text again a few hours later and again, nothing. So I called, and when I didn’t get an answer I got a bad feeling in my stomach that I can’t explain. For some reason this didn’t feel right and I contacted your landlord on Facebook to have him check on you since I didn’t have a key to your apartment. The next thing I heard was that 911 was called but you didn’t make it. You had a heart attack in your sleep and had been gone for hours. This was the day before my birthday and you had just turned 33 and I was about to. You’ll forever be 33 now and I’ll forever be changed by your passing. You were my best friend. I shared everything with you and we went through some tough times together. I have great memories down by the beach and sitting on the couch eating wings watching silly tv shows. I’ll never forget you and how much you changed my outlook on life after you left. You had just gotten your medical assistant degree and I decided to get a job after being on disability for almost a decade. I visit you often and think about you always.
Sherry, I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you did some things that you may regret regarding your friend, she knows that you always meant well. It is truly insane how one person can permanently change the life of another, without even being alive! This is how you know you found a great friend. I know it’s hard to not think of the negatives…read more
A child has age appropriate worries and anxiety but you my dear, you should not carry more than you can hold. Slow down, kid. Take a break from whatever you’re nervous about and let your worries pass by like a leaf floating on the water. Embrace the messiness that is life. The future may seem scary now but I promise you, one day at a time and you’ll be just fine. Whatever you’re worried about today you’ll be over it before you know it, so don’t bother. You’ve got much more to be excited about. Take deep breaths, be mindful, practice gratitude and self-compassion, and get good sleep. You will get through anything you think you can’t, I know it because I’ve done it. We’ve done it. Follow my lead.
Your compassion for your younger self is moving. Being a kid, you feel the whole world is on your shoulders. Most success stories focus on people overworking themselves while young, instead of enjoying life and finding deeper meaning that way. Yours is a story of real, true success! Thank you for sharing!
Everyone has that friend. The one you who walks into your house without knocking or calling first. The one who invites herself over for dinner. The one who answers every text within seconds because she understands your anxiety. The one who sends you birthday cards in the mail even though they see you every day in person but they know it will be more special that way. I remember the last time I saw you. I remember driving in your car and stopping at the store, I remember you sneaking me a cigarette even though I wasn’t supposed to be smoking. I remember sitting outside your apartment laughing and planning what to do to celebrate both of our birthdays because they fell so close together. I remember your birthday. You should be 36 now. Instead you’re forever 33. No one ever tells you that losing a friend forever is one of the hardest things you’ll have to go through in life. Losing the person you tell every detail about your day to is like losing your dominant hand. it’s kind of hard to do everything without it. It’s kind of hard to do everything we used to do now, without you. No one ever tells you how hard it is to lose that friend because no one is supposed to lose that friend.
Aww I am so sorry for your loss. You are lucky to experience that kind of love and friendship and I am sure you carry that love with you every single day. <3 Lauren
I am a 36 year old woman and wife to my 39 year old husband. My husband was diagnosed with primary progressive MS in 2013 the year we met and also got married (when you know you know!) At first the only visible sign from the outside looking at him was his gait and poor balance, he always appeared to be drunk when you watched him walk. From his perspective, he could no longer see out of his right eye, which became permanent, he was retaining urine which was not safe, he was having a hard time doing his job which involved using his hands and fine tools due to neuropathy like symptoms. Now he uses a cane and a walker and takes medication for spasms in his legs. Now he has also bein diagnosed with major neurocognitive disorder which is a basic open term for dementia. I am his caregiver with the help of a home health aid 12 hours a week. Neither of us expected to be in this position when we met in January of 2013 and married that September. It progressed rather fast and more than likely won’t stop. My husband has a great attitude though which is amazing for him, and so hard for me sometimes, I’ll admit. Sometimes I want to talk about everything and cry, but he already pushed it out and doesn’t think about it like I do somehow. He’s teaching me in his own way how to be more optimistic and less stressed over things you can’t control. I have my own illnesses, mental illnesses, that flare so to speak when I am stressed and it’s helpful to be with such a strong person. Sometimes I don’t know if I have it in me to be a wife and a caregiver to the same person at such a young age; then I think about how we’re helping each other out in different ways I just forget to see it that way, the way it is.
Sherry,
I just wanted you to know your letter about your husband has encouraged me to always look on the bright side of things, and except people for who they are (including conditions). You do have it in you to continue taking care of him, and your honest transparency letter proves just that. Thanks for being a good friend.
Your husband sounds like an amazing human! And you sound pretty amazing and loving and wonderful yourself. May each day bring you both as much joy as humanly possible. Sending a hug your way. <3 Lauren
My open letter to you is to share where I feel most at peace, where I feel at home. I guess I could be cliche and tell you I feel most at peace in my husband’s arms, or with my family; but the truth is I feel most at home with the trees in the woods. I love hiking. I love trails in the woods among the trees and the twigs, the dirt, the pinecones and the leaves. Trees don’t judge. I can walk and talk about anything on my mind and the trees do not judge me. The birds do not eavesdrop, they just fly and sing amongst themselves. Nature is home because I never feel stressed out in the presence of the trees and leaves. I never have to worry about making someone upset, or saying the wrong thing. I never have to worry about being on time or being late; because when I am among the trees I have no where else to be. I don’t look at the time, I don’t have anyone to answer to, I’m just at peace with myself and nature, the world does what it does around me but I am at home and have not a care in the world.
This is so beautiful! I feel the exact same way. Nature is absolutely my peace, and I love the way you described your relationship with the trees, like explaining how they don’t judge or how you never have to worry about being late. I heavily relate to all of this 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
I have 30+ grandparents, isn’t that crazy? To be truthful though, they are mostly all other people’s grandparents that I get to work with for a living. That’s right, my job is to create group activities for a dementia unit in a nursing home and I get the pleasure of working with 30+ elderly individuals every day. When I began working at this job I had no idea the impact it would have on my life. The passion I would almost instantly develop for my (now) dream job, how lucky am I? My go-to hobby has always been fine arts; drawing, painting. I’ve always loved arts and crafts, too! At the nursing home I get to do these things and more, with the patients. I get to mix my favorite things, with my new favorite people! The elderly residents of the nursing home are so precious to me, I have grown such a special bond with each and every one of them which is why it feels like a bunch of bonus-grandparents! I’m so lucky to have a job I adore this much. My husband and father both suffer from different forms of dementia and I learn a lot about the disease at work, to bring home to my family to help guide me through the tough times with them. Nothing can prepare you for dementia with a family member, not even working on a dementia unit; but I feel like I’m where I belong. It has changed my life for the better, for sure. I am a much more patient person than ever before, and I owe it all to the bonus-grandparents I’ve gained at my job.
When asked my biggest fear, I close my eyes and imagine what my life would be like without you, and that moment alone is terrifying enough that I already have my answer without having to blink again. My biggest fear is having a great day, or a horrible day, and not being able to call you anymore to tell you about it. My biggest fear is needing an old favorite recipe and knowing you’re the only one who has it and now I’ve got no one to ask anymore. When the holidays come along and I don’t want any gifts but you always asked for a wish list, I’m scared I’m going to wish you were here and be sorely disappointed when you don’t come through like you always have before. Part of my job as a daughter is to open my heart up as wide as it goes and take in all the advice, stories, wisdom, and love while I can so if you leave before I do I’ll have enough to keep me going. I just don’t know if or when that day ever comes if I will know what to do, who to call, when to cry, where to fall. You have always been my roller coaster sidekick and I don’t know if I trust this ride without you. If you ask me what my biggest fear is in life, it’s having a life without you in it, mom.
Sherry, your heartfelt words express the deep love and fear of losing your mom. The thought of not being able to share your joys, seek advice, or have her presence during the holidays is terrifying. You have cherished her wisdom, stories, and love, and the idea of navigating life without her feels overwhelming. Your bond is strong, and it’s…read more
This life is much like a book of poems, it changes things up as you go, some poems shorter than the last, some make you cry some make you laugh. Never did I expect that book to last. Never thought I’d live past 33, and now I’m 36. It must be some type of magic, luck, or something else. I’m so grateful for each decade that passes, whether I messed them all up or not- this one is my favorite. I renewed my vows because love conquers all. I love that man. I went back to an old job where I love it and miss it when I’m not there, who knew I’d love my job so much one day? I’ve made so many friends the past couple of years. My family is growing, and no, I’m still never having a child. This is the best chapter of my life if you subtract the finances., they’ll ruin anyone’s day at this point though. I feel like im on the verge of turning the page to start another new chapter and I think I’ll love that one even more,
Aww Sherry, There is a quote I love from a famous psychologist
Belgian-American psychotherapist. She says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” It sounds like whether it’s your relationship with your job, your co-workers, your friends, or you partner – all your relationships in this chapter of your life are…read more
Maybe I’m here because I didn’t really want to go
This life is overwhelming and my eyes had surely lost their glow
For a while there was nothing anyone could do or say
All I wanted was to find a way to leave, just go away
But I managed to pull myself out from underneath the darkness
It took some time but I did it, regardless
Who what where when and why?
I have no answers for the agony
I just wanted to die
“Tie a knot and hold on, I guarantee”
“When you’ve reached the end of your rope..”
Well I’m no cub scout
But I tied a knot and stayed afloat
I swam to the shore
I wiped the sand off my feet
Put my shoes on
And beamed cheek to cheek
For a smile awaited me on the land
Where I shook off the weight of the world (and the sand)
I’m alive because I didn’t really want to go
This life is overwhelming, I’ve got it this time, though.
Aww Sherry, I am so sorry you ever felt as bad as you did, but I am glad you found your peace and recognized the joy life has to offer. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of our unsealed family.<3
Dear Unsealers,
Sometimes it’s fun to “make pretend,” right? We all know there’s no such thing as a perfect world, or a perfect person, or a perfect day even. For a moment here I am going to pretend that I can plan out a perfect day and tell you all about how it played out for me.
I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and the sound of my cat purring softly in my left ear. To my right was an empty space where my husband normally lies, but he was in the kitchen making breakfast which is unusual for a weekday. I threw on some comfy clothes and made the bed, hugged my husband from behind and thanked him for the delicious looking food I then enjoyed while watching the news as we always do. We decided to go take a walk in the nearby trail a few miles from our house, in our comfy clothes, and watch the tail end of the sunrise between the trees over the lake we were circling. No one was there because like I said, it was a weekday. I wasn’t working this day. When we got back to the car we turned on my favorite song, drove around a bit, and stopped by a small local beach to take pictures. I love taking pictures at the beach! Soon it was lunch time and we ordered sushi to go- my favorite. The perfect day was flying by, and I was enjoying every moment of it. We got home and ate our food, I took out my art supplies and painted a picture. Painting always makes me happy. Being home with my husband and cats makes me feel at peace. I LOVE daytime naps, so in a perfect day, I obviously took a little nap. In a perfect day, it wouldn’t have to end, right? So did my perfect day ever end?
I’m here to tell you, every day may not be perfect, but you can find something perfect in every day. From that perfect day forward, I choose to look for the perfect part of every day. Oh, and I promise it wont always start with someone else cooking for me- I do enjoy cooking!
Sherry, your description of a perfect day is filled with love, joy, and simple pleasures. Embracing the imperfect and finding something perfect in each day is a beautiful mindset. Keep cherishing the moments, whether it’s cooking, painting, or enjoying the company of loved ones. Your positive outlook will make every day a little bit more perfect.