It’s a perfect day, let’s go slay.
Waking up feels great, my body’s not in pain. My brain no longer insane, I’m tame.
I put my doc’s on and stroll out the door on this beautiful 80 degree day.
My gosh the beauty I see before me,
neighbors smiling and I am stylin’
Jeeps workin’ just fine wow that just blew my mind
I feel like I’m in a Muppet movie surrounded by singing
And dancing I feel fantastic not a bit sarcastic
nope…. no work today! Just me, myself, and I

Dear Me,

Self-love has been a journey of a million miles after being torn down time and time again, insulted, hurt emotionally and physically. Self-love is difficult when you’re used to being lied to so much that your mind suddenly becomes your biggest bully. As I wrote in my poem about bullying that’s entitled Target “[when] the weight of the impact hits you repeatedly you learn how to fall apart without learning how to put yourself back together.” Self-love, that’s the chapter I’m on right now. I’ve read the words of Scripture that say “love your neighbor as yourself (Mk. 12:31)” and prayed for the courage to love myself as deeply as I love others. I’ve sat in the Confessional where a priest in persona Christi (in the person of Christ) pinpointed that I don’t love myself well. I’ve made many a visit to my therapists office with a self-love workbook in tow hoping that learning about it will help me to live it. It’s not perfect but I am learning.

I love how I’ve been unlearning the things I’ve learned from those who were trying to steal my light.

I love how despite the setbacks and difficulties you keep trying to put yourself together after you fall apart.

I love how you will say yes to anyone who asks you to dance because you want everyone to feel what it’s like to be accepted.

I love how you are everyone’s cheerleader. You believe so ardently in the beauty of other people’s dreams.

I love how excited you get when you get good news—you can hardly contain it and you just have to share with someone.

I love how you refuse to let apathy consume you but how you feel deeply and unapologetically.

I love how you speak from the heart.

I love how you valiantly stand up for the things you believe in even if no one is following you.

I love your tenacious spirit, your determination, and grit.

I love your ambition and drive to accomplish wonderful and beautiful things.

I love how you have a mother’s heart even though you have no children of your own.

I love that you want to heal the whole world with love.

But most of all if there is anything I love about you it’s this.

That even though the world has been so unkind to you, you choose to keep your heart soft and to be so kind to everyone you encounter.

Darling there is so much to love about you.

And I know that sometimes you forget that sometimes so I wrote this letter to you so when you’re down or discouraged and can’t remember any reason to love yourself you’ll have these 13 reasons to choose self-love.

Sincerely,

I have to say that 2023 has been pretty kind to me. It’s been a good year and I’ve embarked on adventures that I never would’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. That being said it was difficult to choose my favorite moment of the year, however one rises above all the others.

Picture this….

It was my birthday. The July heat warmed my face as I woke to the sound of kids playing at a nearby park in the suburbs of Chicago. I was a long way from my home in Maine but it didn’t feel that way because my other half—my better half—my twin sister was sleeping in the room next door. I woke with gratitude for another day, for a new year of life beginning, for the life of my sister (who is my best friend), for the chance to do life together and much more. I say a quick prayer thanking God for these blessings as I soak up the rays of sun shining through the window and wait for my sleepy sister to wake up.

Our first adventure of the day was to get to Starbucks to get our free birthday beverage. As she sipped on her iced caramel macchiato and I sipped on my honey flat white we walked to a nearby nail salon to get pedicures all the while chatting about our hopes, dreams and goals for the next year.

When we reach the nail salon we settle in for some rest and relaxation. I choose a lighter purple color and my sister chose a pale blue color. The shades of nail polish we chose are total opposites, yet complement each other quite well just like my sister and I do. I look over to her as she’s getting her nails done and see her smiling and I smile too knowing that she is happy.

With our tummies rumbling we head over to P-Quads, a deep dish pizza restaurant that both my sister and my dad raved about. As we walked in the heavenly smell of pizza cooking wafted its way to my nose. We ordered a pepperoni deep dish pizza and devoured several slices of pizza before tapping out.

We headed back to my sister’s apartment and got ready for the main reason I was in Chicago (besides seeing my sister) to see Ed Sheeran perform in Solider Field. The previous Christmas my sister had gotten me tickets to the concert. I had waited for this for half a year and now it was here. The anticipation and excitement grew as I got ready.

Before leaving for the concert my sister and I blew out our candles had a few bites of our cheesecakes that we had ordered from the Cheesecake Factory a few days before. Each bite was creamy, delicious and super rich.

Finally we left for the concert. We arrived at Soldier Field and walked up to the humungous stadium. Khalid came out and the excitement was palpable. With enthusiasm and energy he worked the whole crowd. With the excitement at its peak Ed Sheeran came bounding onstage. I could not believe I was actually there, I have been a fan of his for a long time and here he was in the same vicinity as me. You could say I was a little star struck, even though Ed is such a humble guy. More than that a feeling of deep wonder and gratitude filled my being. How this birthday was so different than the last birthday I’d had where I’d spent the day alone, grieving the loss of my grandparents, wondering if I was seen or known. Ed sang his little heart out and the crowd shared moments of joy, laughter, tears as we sang along to his songs. As the concert was about to end Ed instructed us to take out our phone and use our flashlight on our phone and as he sang we waved our phones in the air as we took in the lyrics, the melody, the moment.

I have to admit that 2023 has been kind to me and that there have been many good moments this year, but this one tops them all. It was a perfect day spent with one of my favorite people, treating ourselves, eating good food, and watching one of my favorite pop artists sending lyrics which encapsulate both the beauty and messiness of life into the humid night air. I felt at peace. I felt seen and known in the moment. I could not help but smile from ear to ear and soak in each moment. And even now the memory washes over me and fills me with a wonder and gratitude that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the tear stained letter full of encouragement and convince that ending my life in 2019 would have been better, landed on the ears of a mighty God.

I am grateful that the strength I gave others, ie; church mothers, displaced lovers, friends and even animals of the forest, finally showed up for me.

It held my four leaf clover. I got lucky. I guess my life really wasn’t over.

Strength, I am grateful for you, you’re one clever lover.

It wasn’t my time. I keep saying over and over.

THIS time though, it IS.

Time to accelerate life and honor every one of those wishes.
The ones that were blown from candles perched atop a thick slice of chocolate cake.
Nestled on a paper plate because who wanted to do dishes?

It’s time to collect from the wells where I tossed many a shiny penny, sometimes dimes too because everybody knows those wishes count as double and I really need them to come true.

It’s time to give myself the grace that I have granted so many.

Grateful for an anchor of a soul that rests deep within a 9 year old.
At 9 years old, He saved the souls of plenty.

Next of kin, grateful for unwavering love from a Mother whose heart is worn with worry. But she is a warrior, a protector.
A galaxy of love wrapped prayers is what I am grateful for.

Grateful for loss.
It hurts so bad at first. But the loss can be a gain with unseen wings, I now am finally starting to feel like myself again.

Grateful for the grit.
Without it, there’s so much I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish.
Not even half of it.

Grateful that I am choosing to love myself more, and the self love I poured in is opening all sorts of new doors.

In the hallways of life, I am grateful.

For the heartfelt wrongs and the astonishing rights, for the affirmations I recite before bed each night, the nourishing food that illuminates my soul like a light,the emotions I wear on my sleeve so those around me can see the real me…
I am grateful.

For everything on this planet will be alright.

I’m grateful for the breath in my lungs
I’m thankful for good morning hugs
I’m grateful for my community of family and friends
I’m thankful for God’s love that never ends
I’m grateful for a roof over my head
And a comfy, cozy, nice warm bed.
I’m grateful that I have food on my plate
I’m even thankful when I have to wait.
I’m grateful for the clothes on my back
But if I’m being honest sometimes I’m like an amnesiac
Because I forget to count the blessings that I’m grateful for
And sometimes I lose sight of what I have been given and ask for more
But the Lord is good, generous and kind
And brings each one back to my mind
I cannot begin to fathom the many ways
So I sing Him a song of thanks and praise
He has been so good to me
Even working in ways that I cannot see
I’m sure I’m not the only one to be blessed beyond measure
So to you I say cherish each blessing as you would a treasure
Make Thanksgiving more than one day long
Let it be a way of life—a beautiful song
Emanating from heart to your lips
Gratitude rising to the Giver of every perfect gift.
Today I thank the Lord for all He has given
And most importantly for His unending love and provision.

What am I most thankful for
I’m thankful for my children. They’re grown now and they are both healthy, smart and inquisitive. They brighten my day.
I’m thankful I’m alive to witness everything in life My goal is to learn from my mistakes and I’m thankful I have coping skills.
I don’t have much but I’m thankful I have a roof over my head.
I’m thankful I have helped others. I’m thankful I can take constructive criticism and I’m able to endure it.
I’m thankful to have a sister, that’s about all the family I have.
I’m thankful for my job and the ability to be able to work with injuries and mental illness, I persevere. I have been in situations where I shouldn’t be alive but I’m thankful that I am.
I’m thankful that I can see the leaves on the trees change.
I’m thankful I can breathe, though I don’t have a range
My life has been hard It’s been marred by sadness and violence but I’ve remained silenced.

Here I am sitting across from a frothy white chocolate mocha, where the steam kisses my eyes as I close them.
I inhale a deep breath and exhale a smile, fully teethed, pearly matching the pearls given to me by my Grandmother.
Just as the camera man yells “Scene, take 1”
I am in my zone.
I gracefully let the melodies of memorized lines glide freely from my lips as my soul is soothed by just being here.
Present.
Present is not past tense. It’s intense in this moment.
I’m here.
I’m alive.
Thriving off of the very thing that helped me survive.
It’s no surprise, I am a crafter.
Carefully skilled words woven into a silk created emotional basket.
I offer up my body like the Tin Man In hopes of getting a brain. One that is settled, free and happy.
Images of what happiness feels like from within.
The inside.
The craft enlightens me.
My ideal self and the old me cross paths.
This time we share a couple of laughs.
No sympathetic whispers of fear or doubt.
The old me knows I’m filtering out the negativity that does not serve me anymore.
I prayed for days like this.
Beaming genuinely, smiling and knowing true self love and not just from afar.

My ideal self, a true star.
Each pointe representing a point where I remembered just how beautiful everybody says that I are.
I am.
Look at how high I set the bar.
For myself, I am the bar.
Top shelf.
200lbs and 2 ice cubes of something spectacular.

“Cut” Yells production.

The smile fades, the pearly whites are tucked away.
It’s not forever this time.
The next scene is left of me my eyes fixated on the display.
I am happy today.
Truly happy!
Being the star of my own show, executive producing and achieving goals.
I am doing everything on last year’s wish list and now creating a new list of wins.
My ideal self is wealthy.
Not in the form of currency, currently the wealth comes with residuals results of good health.
Ideally I worked really hard on this scene.

“It’s a wrap for today”

But this happiness is continuously.