What’s in the way—
first thought of the day?

First thought of the day:

If I still knew how
to play pretend

first things first
I’d love my brain again.

“Have fun,”
they say.

Fun?

These days
I spend most days

running from
the very idea.

I don’t bother—
I don’t let “fun” bother me.

Instead,
it’s with peace

and ease
that I wish to
‘shoot the breeze.’

Everyday
I do my best—

I try.

Even when the only way
I know how
is

to cry.

No day is perfect
but what’s a day that’s as close to perfect as it can get?

It’s allowing it
to be okay

that my best looks different
depending on the day.

To trust that
to have it any other way

wouldn’t accomplish the same.

Because to live is
to survive
before it is to thrive.

Now what they don’t tell you
is thriving takes reviving.

And what remains
can’t be given a name—

until the day you can say
“I trust in you.”

And so I grew.

At las,
anew.

And new…
and new.

And I’ll continue to grow
let it show

bask in the afterglow

of the perfect day
on replay

with my someone else—
the one I never

gave up on
finding.

So when asked to describe
the perfect day

some might say
it’s bright.

When asked
I insist

they’re not quite right:

it’s blinding.

It’s a perfect day, let’s go slay.
Waking up feels great, my body’s not in pain. My brain no longer insane, I’m tame.
I put my doc’s on and stroll out the door on this beautiful 80 degree day.
My gosh the beauty I see before me,
neighbors smiling and I am stylin’
Jeeps workin’ just fine wow that just blew my mind
I feel like I’m in a Muppet movie surrounded by singing
And dancing I feel fantastic not a bit sarcastic
nope…. no work today! Just me, myself, and I

Saved A Little Love For Me

When the one you love leaves you behind–
walks away–

you quickly realize
people never stay.

That there is all but one soul
from which you can never run away.

So I look for signs of art–
trying to decipher my own heart.

And that’s a start?

Making peace with what I find
all in due time.

Shoutout to the, “Let yourself hurt”
people.

No thanks to the, “Love yourself first”
people.

They can’t make me love myself.

I should
so, I do?

Can’t be helped
so, I’m screwed?

No.

See,
I don’t know (for sure)
what love is.

So I’ll write what I do
and I’ll do it alone.

“Withhold and explode
or write what you know—

there’s no greater loss
than a story untold.”

With these words,
I’ve built a home

for my art,
my dream,
my heart.

They’re the ink behind my pen.

Because words on a page
beat life’s stage
time and time again.

“Any love reserved for me
is a love reserved for trying.”

People come & go that much I know
If I take off these rose colored glasses
Does the love around turn to grey
How does one know how love is really portrayed?
Is it chocolates or roses in a bouquet?

I wake up & wonder will I ever find my true love? Find the one?
All this love pent up inside me
If I were to grant it away
what could we become?

Taken into account my every flaw mistake & dream
I am the only one who decides where my love is given
& I choose the life in which I am living
Not only that, but who can say I’m not enough
If I, myself, have prevailed through times that are tough
Who better by my side
Who better to stand tall
Who better to proclaim all the traits to see for all
Who better understands my feelings
Who better than I?
A desire to live a life fulfilled
To allow myself the love while everyone else kneels
In a non supreme way
It’s my self-love placed on a pedestal everyday
A tad egotistical, possibly
Uh, conceited? respectfully
My worth of self & merited love is synonymous
I wanna heal my heart
I wanna follow through
No more broken promises

My body is my vessel
Kept safe for me to nestle
Once, twice put in danger
I’m the only one who can make me feel safer

A declaration of solitude & independence
for only a man can stand by me
with leadership & competence
for my heart & body recognize I’m safe in this instance
To entrust in you is no small feat
It is a privilege to see me &
Have access to my energy
The love you give me has the ability to resonate so clearly

I desire not to fit your idea of perfection
View me as an empress to be in selection
May you only approach with chivalry
Then I’m happy to oblige
But certainly do not consider me your prize
When it comes to my ego, let that be its’ demise
I’m presented as a Lady
To address me as anything but is not a reflection of how I’m behaving

If all these men are blind, I’ll reminisce back to my childhood & rewind
If they taint my perception of love, my own fairytale stays aligned

They say law of attraction
But I have concern, even hesitation
Can this really come true
With a snap of a finger
With a wave of a magic wand
Where in the universe
Will these affirmations belong
Lo & behold the universe is inside me
If what I desire is to manifest
I have to release control
& let this ego burn a slow death

Is it my frizzy hair
Or my unsmooth skin
All admirable yet vain
It’s my true love within
Pampering, luxury, & care are all high in demand
Please, universe, bless me if I were look to for a man

A Thankless Act

I contemplate—
in a grateful state—
where to give thanks.

And it’s not long before
little me
is all I can hear and see.

Bursting with glee,
she decrees:

Wendy and Peter Pan,
Neverland,
those who lend a helping hand,
those not afraid
to take a stand.

Pen in hand,
flow-state
is where I land—
filled with child-liked wonder,
and free of fears I’ve shunned her.

A poem—
this poem—

slowly begins to take its form.
Its words are ones of warmth
that lull her,
hug her—
keep her safe from all-the-world’s thunder.

And it’s reading
better than planned.

But in truth,
I’m grateful for it all—
the planned and unplanned.

For every version of me
I’ve met firsthand.

Me when I’m mad,
but what I really am is sad.
Me when I’m glad
that someone tried to understand

rather than write me off
as “bad.”

The ability to feel—
a chance to heal
and give to myself
the gift of being real.

Grateful,

for the voice inside my head—
the one I used to dread.

Oh, we’d go head-to-head.
And if you asked my heart
to tell you the worst part,

it’d say
that there was nowhere to hide.

Hard to believe that nowadays,
that voice is on my side.
So, I’m happy-er inside.

Because grateful is what I am
for the will to survive,
thrive,
and come alive
that it’s instilled in ‘we’.

Today,
it supports the best version of me—
wants for me to get ahead,
does things like remind me when it’s time for bed.

Swoops in on a rope
when I’m short on hope,
when I’m hanging by a thread.

But most of all…

what I’m most grateful for…
is every decision
I can call mine—
those made by me
and me
Alone.

The ones I own.

For to them,
I owe this home—
the home
that is
she.

The only place I’m truly, finally
free.

What am I most thankful for
I’m thankful for my children. They’re grown now and they are both healthy, smart and inquisitive. They brighten my day.
I’m thankful I’m alive to witness everything in life My goal is to learn from my mistakes and I’m thankful I have coping skills.
I don’t have much but I’m thankful I have a roof over my head.
I’m thankful I have helped others. I’m thankful I can take constructive criticism and I’m able to endure it.
I’m thankful to have a sister, that’s about all the family I have.
I’m thankful for my job and the ability to be able to work with injuries and mental illness, I persevere. I have been in situations where I shouldn’t be alive but I’m thankful that I am.
I’m thankful that I can see the leaves on the trees change.
I’m thankful I can breathe, though I don’t have a range
My life has been hard It’s been marred by sadness and violence but I’ve remained silenced.

(I) Respect Me

R-
E-
S-
P-
E-
C-
T

Who deserves it?

Why me?

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve quit.
And go as far as to confess
what a mess I’ve made.

Because see,

there’s no amount of grit that guarantees
I’ll be met with respect of any degree.

The more I learn the more I’ll earn–
it was only a matter of time
before it’d be my turn.

Or so they said.
Then-convinced, I complied

in the name of getting ahead.

And cliche as it may sound
That was then and this is now.

Presently, I make countless donations
to the cause that is me.

I know now that I don’t need a destination–
what I need is to be free,
let go of expectations.

So I honor this affinity for creation I’ve long felt–
bringing the unimaginable to life through self expression.
I assign meaning–

they meet me–

to the real me.

Some they disagree
in silence.
Others plea–

grounded by old beliefs
like roots of a tree.
But that could never be me.

So how does one get to be respected?
They don’t.

They won’t.

I don’t.
And won’t.

Not unless or until
I am free to be me–
even if they don’t agree.

Tomorrow’s a new day–
another chance.

So, I’ll rest
and the rest
will fall into place.

You see,
self-respect

that’s the key.

It always was and it always will be.

I am worth it.
Why not me?

And now you’ve found out what it means
to me–

why I “deserve” it.

Yes
you’re my family
my partner
my friend
But no—
It’s time I reflect
I don’t allow any disrespect
No thinking you know what’s best
No shaming me for who I choose to be
No condescending comments
No glares in my direction
Don’t even think of crossing me without hesitation
Won’t tolerate any doubts
Those I can live without
Don’t think I’m cold-hearted, that’s not the case
My heart is so big, my love is so deep
But I’ve been hurt before
That only those who respect me
are the ones I’ll keep
My mind, body, and soul is stronger
Cause I’ve healed all that’s hurt
It’s come to fruition that I will not be treated like dirt
I am who I am and my self love is divine
You either come correct or I’ll have you step in line
My energy is too valuable, too precious
I’m the one who got me up out of the trenches
From my tether to the sky to the roots in my feet
From the blood in my veins to my beautiful heartbeat
I’ll give you the best parts of me
It’s the utmost respect that I need
Not just need, but require
Is it not respect from me too that you desire?
I will not command & I will not beg
How you approach me is up to you
The amount of respect you give
shows in all that you do
You can choose how this goes but
it’s with me the path is clear
with me you’re looked after
I’ll give you love, loyalty, and laughter