***Trigger warning***
I have thought long and hard about this entry, the words that are going to follow, will likely be a trigger for so many, but it is my hope that maybe, I can help another feel less alone. I want to let you know, that I’ve likely been right where you are. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to feel like everything is caving in. That life sucks, and that we got the shortest straw. It’s at that point, we know we are human beings. Living life. We just have to feel it all! Then, when we feel it’s time, push through it. Try not to get stuck in the pain and the darkness. Time is different for so many of us.
My life has been far from easy. I’m guessing yours may not have been either. So we are meeting on common ground. I wanted to give up on everything so many times. My very first memory ever was when I was around 2. It was traumatic. Growing up I didn’t fit in with the others. I was bullied. I had a very emotionally immature mother, and my father, well, he was gone without a forwarding address when they divorced.
I was the odd girl being raised by her grandparents. I was automatically labeled “different” and not cool.
I kept going. It was so hard. In 4th grade, the bullying really took its toll on me when a fellow student put a kick me sign on my back and my art teacher saw it. She pulled me aside and took me into the hall. I thought I was going to be in trouble because no one wanted to be in a group with me. Her words changed my life. She told me that I was smart and talented. She told me to leave the kick me sign on my back and to go back in the classroom acting as if I didn’t know anything had happened. I wanted to cry so badly. My heart was crushed. It was hard, but I did it. I kept moving forward.
In my elementary years, I felt so lost. Absolutely lost inside. Moving on to middle school, the bullying continued. My self esteem was at an all time low. I started to ditch classes and eventually, I constantly messed up all through 7th grade. I didn’t think that I had a chance at anything. At this point, I had some family issues arise and the pressure took its toll on me. I experienced physical abuse from someone in my family due to alcohol abuse they had become a stranger in my eyes. Unrecognizable and terrifying. With each time that I was hit a piece of me shut down. No one was listening to me. It was me, against the world. I was put in a private school for “troubled teens” There were not many girls there but I became friends with a girl that was adopted.
I opened up to her about feeling fat and un pretty. One day at her home, she gave my my very first diet pill. This resulted in an eating disorder, I will just check that box too. So we now have on the board, traumatic childhood- jumping into Child abuse, leading to full blown self hatred and a very devastating case of both anorexia and boulima. I had absolutely no clue that I was spiraling downward in a very dangerous way. I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to feel something. I just couldn’t. I was absolutely NUMB. You might be wondering why I’m putting this out there for the world to see. It’s my hope, that you will see that you are not alone. That you are strong and you will pull through the storms. My story didn’t end there. As numb as I was, I kept moving forward. I had no direction but I knew that it had to get better at sometime. Fast forward to 15, I was thrown back with my mother. Within the first month of living with my mother, Plot twist from absolute HELL-
I was beaten in the school parking lot with leather belts by a group of boys while everyone watched and laughed. This was typical for a Denver high school in the 90’s. “There was no room for stuck up little white girl in their hood” This was what they told me as they continued to whip me with braided belts. This was an assault. The school let it go. I became a shell. I don’t remember too much other than my mother blaming me for the events that transpired shortly after this. I was sexually assaulted by one of the boys in that group. I woke up in a hospital emergency room covered in charcoal with only a blur of the hospital lights above my head. At that point, all I wanted to was die. I didn’t think that I had anything left. The police had taken a report and my mother refused to press charges on grounds that she feared more gang retaliation would follow. I was placed in a group home- Day treatment facility to address the issues. That treatment facility saved my life. For the very first time I was taken seriously. I was not called a liar. I was supported and safe. I had made it to safety.
It was a lot of work on my part. I still had a many issues with my mother.
Everything was always about her. I’m wrapping this up ending in a teen pregnancy. The teen pregnancy allowed me to imancipate from my mother at age 16. I want you to believe that you can break your family generational curses/cycles and life may be hard but I can promise you there is a light. The fight and the struggle are very important. They make us who we are.
I believe in you. In fact, a whole lot of us Unsealers do. You are amazing. You are smart, you are strong, you have a bright future ahead. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You will change the world. I will be over here, a stranger, in the stands rooting for you. 💜 Just believe in every aspect of YOU. You will pull through. You are not alone and you are already doing such great things. Most importantly, thank you for being you.

Another day rises from the ground
But with a different flavor to it
A day of traveling and clearing the cluttered mind
And also creating a wonderful time

Let the special day start with eating some delicious breakfast
Food that speaks to my soul
That makes me feel whole
And inspires me to conquer the road

When the road and I meet
Some of my favorite songs and I greet
Like it’s the first time
We’re getting to know each other’s mind
As I unwind during this special time

While jamming and cruising on an unknown highway
Various historical statues and beautiful land catch my eye
Giving me a positive high
That I don’t want to end
But continue to ascend

And embrace this rare feeling
A beautiful beach awaits me
And hypnotizes my eyes
With its waves

It waves at me and says ‘’come on in’’
But, before I take my first jump
I just want to stare at its beauty
And take a million pictures of it

Then I charge to the calming water
Like a soldier ready to do battle
But only remain in the safety zone
While watching others enjoy themselves

The perfect ending to a perfect day
It would be great to have another perfect day tomorrow
If only this could become a reality.
For now, wishing and dreaming about it will surface

Sincerely,
Gerald

Unmasked

I have been creating perfect days my entire life
They weren’t perfect for me
But what I thought perfect should be

I’ve been creating a life
One I thought I wanted
One I thought I was supposed to have

My perfect day would look like it does on tv
I have lived those days
Those days are not me

So many times I have had the perfect day
Shopping with the girls, brunch at a nice restaurant, tanning by the pool
These things have left me drained, exhausted, confused

So many times I have created the perfect experience
To be let down
To not feel the way they seem

I’ve had my days
In comfy clothes, dim lights, friends each doing their favorite thing
Cooking safe foods together, napping, making sure were hydrated
Watching things we’ve seen a million times; doing things we’ve done a million and one
Laughing and giggling and crying and sitting in silence

I have left those days feeling so at peace
So rejuvenated
So myself

I have also left those days feeling wrong
It is not what being social is meant to look like
It doesn’t match the script that is in my head

I am learning to live life
The one I didn’t know that I wanted
The one that I am supposed to have

I will continue to create perfect days, for the rest of my life.
perfect for me.
I define what perfect should be.

Growing up on Sailor Moon
And looney toons
Slip and slides
Always with soapy eyes.
Carefree summers
We were Beach bummers
Adulthood far from our minds
Ice cream of many kinds
Man hunt and freeze tag
Always up for a good fart bomb gag.
Childhood was a bliss
Something you’ll always miss.

My love and I wake in a new city.
Maybe a new country.

Either continental or café,
We enjoy a breakfast with good coffee
and pastries.
The chocolatiest of croissants,
The softest of scones,
and the warmest of waffles.

Then, we go for a walk.
We take our time to inhale the fresh air and
absorb the new city’s noises and
admire its unique architecture.

Our walk ends at a bookstore.
As we wander the shop’s aisles,
the bookstack we carry grows and grows and grows!
My love says, “Yes, of course we can buy them all.”
(We are not worried about the logistics of getting the books home.)
Once the stack is so high that
we can’t see over it,
we buy them all.

On our walk back to wherever-we’re-staying,
we make a pit-stop for takeout.
Most likely Chinese food, but
could be Korean or Indian or poke, too.

Next, but before dinner, is a warm shower.
Rich instrumental music with dissonant harmonies
and bubbly shampoo.
Fragrance-free body lotion and French skincare,
Followed by the baggiest of sweatpants and
an oversized tee.

Now all squeaky clean, my love and I eat dinner
over a grand adventure on a screen.
All snuggled,
we fall asleep before the credits roll.

Rise and shine you beautiful soul!
We have work to do today.
Roll that delicate body out of bed and awaken to the day of wonders ahead.
Today, feels like a good day. I Declare it, embrace it and give thanks.
It’s the perfect day to live.
I am embracing the relaxation and peace that has been gifted to me on such a beautiful morning.
I stretch, and sit up, wiggling my my toes as my legs hang down from my bed. A giggle escapes my lips followed by a smile as my dog mimics me. She nudges me and lets me know that it is time to officially wake up.
I step off of my bed and stand tall. There’s no pain at all. No tingling, no burning, no stiffness at all.
I am at peace. I playfully ask my kitty Nirvana -“Do I choose coffee, or green tea?” She meows back at me. I dance around the the kitchen and I embrace being pain free. There is no stress or struggle as I start my daily chores. You may think this sounds silly, the happiness that bending down brings me as I slide on my shoes. I did it absolutely pain free and that is perfect. It’s perfect for me.
The sun is shining so bright, and I put the leash on my dog. Bieng pain free, has blessed me with a morning walk.
I have energy!
Enough energy to conquer the world, well, that is, enough energy to conquer “My world” or, at least to conquer the tasks that most days I am unable to. Today, I am pain free, and it is absolutely perfect.
I think it’s a good day to go to the gym. Perfect day, that is.
I grab my bag, my book, headphones and my water bottle.
I’m a little bit nervous that this may not last, but quickly push the thoughts away. As today, this moment I am pain free, and today is the perfect day.
My body moves freely, and with each breath that I take I am breathing in love and gratitude. These days are few and far between. Today, I woke up pain free.
I am able to grocery shop without any fears or anxiety. There is no looking over my shoulder I am in the moment. I am safe, and I am living life peacefully. Today, I give thanks for walking up pain free.
I am able to walk the three flights of stairs to visit my grandmother. We’re going to have lunch and play some games. Her company and her smile bring me so much comfort. I’m giving thanks, for such a perfect day.
I woke up pain free. I woke up with the chance to show the world the actual me. With a smile on my face, and my posture upright. I am filled with gratitude and peace. I am grateful for my life.
The perfect day for me, means living without pain.
Without tears, and strain. Oh how I am grateful when I am blessed with a perfect pain free day.
🙏

A silent thought that now demanded my attention.
The universe knew exactly how to reveal this to me.
A problem that I fixed had finally released me from its bind.
I was going home.
The road hugged my tires like excited friends reuniting,
Usually a 7 1/2 min walk, stretched to a 13 min run.
13 min , the length of a how to video that I’m sure I’ll be frequenting more.
The garage door
creaked opened &
I was ushered inside.
The love of my life,
I husband to her Bride
her face full of:
fear,
wonder ,
here,
follow me!
She exclaimed.
Every noise on the planet dissipated except our foot steps:
ile, carpet, tile.
The light switch felt like the weight of the world.
I found strength from your love to flip it.
A stranger awaited me in my own bathroom .
I was to confront this foe without any idea that my life had found the meaning i was searching for
A vacuum of time,
my life In the rear view.
Thankful that I saw words,
instead of lines on that clearview.
But I only see one, where is the “not?”
What a terrible malfunction,
how could they have forgot?
Then, the beacon of truth
began to break through the mystery.
Those 8 letters have the chance to
alter history:
PREGNANT
Every emotion that I’ve ever felt became
unified-
all the pain of my adolescence,
all the courage of my youth,
all the fun of my independence,
all the worry of my work,
all the adoration for your mom,
They All joined together
to bring me this unmatchable joy.
The true essence of what it means to feel happiness,
I get to be a dad to a beautiful Baby Boy.

Lips receding to the crease of stilled waters, underneath the bosom of the moon. The tide is forever in quivering forms. Yet there is beauty in the way the figures sit, a calm in the exciting exercise for life’s sake. Time is forever in turning sails and moments constructed for the weathering of space and travel when harsh Squall perceived the deluged. Where are these inexhaustible Dispositions, these sounds to first utter the song of life. I want to hear this Song of Songs and Ballet to the grace of Ouayet caressing hymns. Listen as it wanders into the ears of man and whispers a prayer of Tolerance for the Middangeard yet harshly speak to the soul. Don’t lie in your speech and yet don’t comfort the weak. Be as you are and your voice shall sing in the tune of navigation until the sun reaches the moon. Siyabonga for how I see you full and Siyabonga for how you return from distant stars and a form I can love to learn. I hear the Song of Songs and now I collapse to the weight of its existence, this is the allure of your frequency and the power of your youthful butterfly. May the sail cast shadow of your safe returning to the Enterprise of a slight smile.

Tears grew at the edge of the firmament, and i wiped away the fear of a never again sun. It was the crystalized feeling, the waves acting as middlemen to the light which guided you to my daily turmoils. It was in that moment I realized that eye was just the seer to a placement of watchful effigy. The world is the viewer and we are just the microorganisms, the germ within the bosom of life and the glare within the retina of the retaining layers. When there is a sense of wonder the seas recreate the flood over terrains of debris as we are humans being in the ocean of the sorrow she carried to labor. Is it justifying, the price we pay as veins became each contact we make when feet touch the grounded soil. Can the world still see all the plausible signs of an infection of infestation. The war on the environment is planted for Edible guidance. Yet it’s windows are dressed with bandages of restricted condemnation of Authentic Omnism. Now with the exception of the calm seas I see clearly, we are merely the inner workings of the eye of the world moving as light and reflection Amalgamate in Quietude. On my isle of isolation I touched the floor to another dimension, a plane where I stand before the perception that God is the eyes of the universe.