To anyone who hears me,

The past can be beautiful, and inspiring, a trove of memories that you come back to visit on a rainy day. For some like me, the past can be dark, scary, and have such a strong pull that you remain in a cyclical pattern, becoming the worst version of yourself more with every tug.
The 13-year-old me first placed the blade on my skin, 21-year-old me made the deepest cuts that would last my lifetime. 14-year-old me took her first sip of alcohol, and 23-year-old me depended on that alcohol because she couldn’t see the opportunity for brighter days. 14-year-old me smoked her first cigarette and 24-year-old me couldn’t go an hour without one.
You see, I have a pattern of addiction tendencies. I would crave whatever would take the internal pain away, though that pain was only intensifying. I was self-destructive and lacked a love of life. I was empty, hopeless, and lost.
Until the fall of 2018. I had recently turned 24 and took a pregnancy test, though I wasn’t expecting much since they were always negative. To my surprise, this one was positive! I didn’t know that this would ever be possible for me and I was a mixed bag of emotions, hope being the brightest. I had lost a baby before through miscarriage and I carried that fear with me until at least 20 weeks pregnant. Every day though, I felt hopeful.
I would place my hand on my tummy and talk to her (I just had a feeling she was a girl), telling her of my day, promising her that no matter what, she and I would get through anything put in our path.
This feeling of hope and promise of new life brought on a version of Christine that I had never met. She was scared, of course, but was so much more fierce than ever before. She had a reason to push on, to brave face any situation because another depended on her. Once I met her and held her in my arms, all of the dark and empty past melted away.
I vowed to her and myself that I would never hurt myself again. Even in the darkest of times, I would hold on to hope and believe that everything happens for a reason and this beautiful girl was brought into my life for the biggest and best reasons of all. She is my little teammate and my best friend. She loves me endlessly, fills me with unfathomable joy, and gives my life purpose.
Now, as a mom of two, I cannot help but look back at the fall of 2018 knowing that my life was going to drastically change and that was the turning point. I no longer drink alcohol, I don’t smoke. I no longer wish to self-harm or self-destruct. I am focused on bettering myself each and every day not only for my benefit but because I am raising two profoundly unique and wonderful children.
They have a mom with a dark past but one that works each day to make a brighter future. The mom that they will know is one that will fill their cups, teach them, and guide them through the highs and lows that life will inevitably bring. They will see a mom with a love for life, herself, and her family.
I thank God every day for giving me children, and for changing my life. Without them, I don’t know who or IF I would be any longer. I’m so eternally thankful and have no doubt that those two positive tests changed my world forever. A mother is who I was born to be.

Sincerely,
An infinitely blessed mommy.