It’s easy — isn’t it
To look back on our life & remember all the worst
All the worst times of our life that always seem to come first

Like the first time — I experienced racism
The first time — I experienced bullying

The first time — my love was used against me
Or the first time — my heart was broken

There was a lot of first of “THE WORST”
But likewise — there were many first of the best

Like the first time — I got the job I really wanted
Or the first time — I graduated

Or the time I won my first real fight with ease
Or the first time a family member came home from jail surprising me

There’s been a lot of good moments
but I seem to have forgotten a lot of them

I’m doing my best now — to live in the present moment
—To soak it all in

Cause I know there is so much to be grateful for
—There’s always been

Like my mom choosing peace & safety over toxicity — for her children

No matter what — she never let fear stop her

She was unbelievable
She was unstoppable

She did the best she could with the hand she was dealt

Like getting that job that not only paid the bills
but also provided us with a warm free house

Or that one time she pointed out to her lawyer — how she was wrong

That was only one of the many steps she took — to obtain our freedom

I still remember the first time she met my little boyfriend

She offered to give us some money
—then suggested we go to Barnes & Noble
to drink some coffee

At the time it was so embarrassing—
But looking back now— She’s so funny
We were like 14 — Not 40

I still remember — I tried to avoid repeating history
but somehow history didn’t escape me

One day — I had to text my mom discreetly
I asked her to please come save me

I won’t go into detail — but that day she rescued me from hell

I remember the times my brother and I would go skating

Or this one time we decided to try out this game — where he had to try to make me pass out

& it actually worked — he did

Except I think he thought he killed me
I don’t know — but that shit is funny

Some of them were good memories
& some were bittersweet

I wish I could remember them all
but disassociation got the best of me

So here’s a few more that easily come to mind

Like when my first love never made me feel pressured
— Simply loved

Or when my second one spoke a prayer over me
That felt majestic & empowering
— Like freedom

Or when my friends and I thought we were cute — walking around the east side

Just waiting on the cute boys to drive by and say hi

Haha— those sure were the good times.

Then there was that time an important figure in my life somehow ended up in jail
Managed to post bail & still make it back in time to my baby shower

Or when that amazing teacher who quickly became family
Went out of her way to pick me up for school daily

Or when another amazing teacher who often went above and beyond

Was touched by some writing assignment I did
& surprised me with an unexpected gift

So yeah—

It is easy to remember all the worst — but there is also so much to be grateful for

I’m grateful for every glimpse of heaven I’ve ever received

I’m grateful for a badass mom & her vision to always
Push forward & succeed

I’m grateful for the village that helped raise me

I’m grateful for any friend who served a purpose in my life
Even if at some point — our lives no longer aligned

I’m still grateful for the good times & the memories left behind

I’m grateful for the short-lived respect & pure love I received —from my first love
My impossible baby

I’m grateful for the amazing son — my second one gave me

There is so much more to be grateful for
even from all the worst that were followed by the best

Or I don’t know — maybe fue al revés

Either way— I thank you God — My best friend

May I always be able to shine the light on the better side of perspective

May I continue to be able to see all the good that still lives within the broken world we currently live in

May we not only see the trauma we’ve endured through our struggling

But the perseverance & resilience we received simultaneously

So for both the good & the bad

I gotta be grateful for it all — and I am

a little toddler dabbles her toes in the Oregon coast waters, giggling and running from near her mamas.
her Portland cousins play near here with Auntie creating castles, jungles and rivers that flow the waves of the ocean waves and ecovillages below – the land, the sand interconnected to the depths of deepness below.
the sunbursts softly touch the reunion moments that cannot occur all the time.
sunbursts.
small joyful stands cheering for their favorite college teams,
swag outfits of hopes to hoops of dreams – we all have our shots.
for the beats that native musicians drum up to bless, to heal and to cheer the crowds to love,
the therapist who sits in her own softness after healing handing out hope through listening and assisting struggles of pain, finding laughter and humor to balance out the darkness.
the sunbursts come through the bubbled grey clouds that temporary pop up as life below saunters in shimmers to only be captured in the seconds that exist.
no tomorrow is promised.
no big kiss, no big hug, no sounds — so soak in it all.
soak in the life that leaves us to grow embedded in mother earth- panchamama and inti love – quechuan indigenous circles lift up and offer munay – deep love- where sunshine spreads limitlessly.

WHAT AM I MOST GRATEFUL FOR?
We Have A Technology Allowing Meaningful Interactions, Making Ourselves Share These Gifted Realities, Also Too, Especially For Unconditionally Loving Families, Our Roots.
What am I most grateful for?
If you’ve woken up and chose to keep going. Whether you’re in the calm seas of peace, or you’re riding the lows and highs of the waves that never seem to sleep.
What am I most grateful for?
To be able to create poems that explain the emotions I’ve grown in a strange dream that dreams to explore and release more. I’m grateful for my eyes, because there was a time in my life where I was legally blind for a week, and I remember thinking “how will I ever see what my drawings look like?” I’m grateful for the advances in modern medicine, for without it I wouldn’t have lasted past a few months without the creation of insulin. I’m grateful I’ve made it to 14 years past my date of diagnosis, and I plan to keep on goin, despite the lows of highs of these waves that never seem to sleep. (But always seem to dream) I’m grateful I’ve been able to come across the unsealed letters that reveal the real miracles that have survived and thrived through all types of weathers.
What am I most grateful for?
The family that’s handed me a purpose to see the dirt and to keep planting these seeds for you to read and examine, and to hopefully inspire a type of higher connection to yourself to seek the life that you deserve, and to know that each and every one of us are worth way more than worthless.

My Faith Is Being Tested
The Enemy Wants To Ensure That My Meter Reaches Restless
Oxygen At 100 But I Have A Slight Confession
I’m Drowning On The Surface And I Could Be Gone In Seconds
I Just Need One Reason To Keep Fighting These Demons
To Make It Through My Season Genie In A Bottle Give Me Something To Believe In
The Surface Is Uneven And That Hole I Filled Has Steepened
Life Keep Throwing Punches And This Is A Brutal Beating
Life Is What You Make It But Theres A Deeper Meaning
End Isnt Final Just Next Step Of Completion
When God Is For You Who Can Be Against You ?
Tell Me Whats The Issue
Statements Sounding False And The Facts Look Artificial
If I Gave You This Size 7 And I Made It Fit Your Feet
Could You Handle All The Pressure That Comes With Being Me ?
If I Wrote It Step By Step Would You Understand Directions ?
Or Give It What You Got And Just Wait For The Corrections
See I Have To Be Direct Cause I’m Not Good With Rejection
I Had To Bite The Bullet Where’s The Love & Affection ?
They Told Me Use My Voice To Build Better Connections
But Left Me 6 Feet Under Without Air Or Protection
The Enemy Whispered “Will You Float Or Will You Fall”
I Replied With Grace
“God Is Light In Him There Is No Darkness At All” 1 John 1:5
My Strength To Shake It Off He Helped Me Walk Before I Crawled
It’s Time To Take A Bow How Bout A Round Of Applause
His Preserving Power Allowed The Force From Within To Not Just Move Mountains But Forgive Me For My Sins
The Devil Tried To Shake Me, Forgetting He Who Made Me And I Know This May Sound Crazy But He Does It On A Daily
Grateful To Be More Than A Name In A World Full Of Pain Where The Things That Keep Me Sane Are From Things I Cant Explain
Faith Leads To Victory And I Am On A Mission
Breaking Every Barrier With God As My Witness

Speaking to every fighter
I’m so grateful that GOD took a chance on ME
Thankful that I am his rider
His unconditional love is beyond measures
His unconditional love is so comforting
Tangible and intangible
I just love the way GOD loves me
Don’t you see
If giving up was easy
Everyone would have took a backseat
Including me
I’m grateful for GOD’s presence
Most importantly never leaving me
Looking at my reflection
I’m grateful the mirror is always in front of ME
In the presence of darkness
GOD’S love always trembles the unseen
What are the fighters singing
Worthy Worthy Worthy
It’s a grateful human being

I’m forever grateful
That I am able to share my words
With people
And they often become inspired
By my positivity and willingness to share
Openly and comfortably
Everything I’ve been through
From heartache to heartbreak
There is no shame
Just lessons to be learned
I’m grateful for them all
Teachable moments that make me stand tall
I practice gratefulness every day
That’s why I’m grateful for everyone
I encounter daily
From strangers I meet on the street
To inconnus that have become great supporters
In any and everything I do
I’m forever grateful for restored love
Especially the woman that accepted me
And made me appreciate love again
Thank you for first being a friend
I’m forever grateful
For existing in a world
That doesn’t want you to survive
But I find a way to survive the odds stacked against me
Blessed to be alive
And continuously see
That I’m surrounded by the people meant to help me navigate this life!

What am I grateful for?
Theres a lot you see
I’m not the same girl in the mirror that I see
I’m grateful that my past doesn’t define me
Rather, I’m grateful that it has certainly shaped me
I’m so grateful that I’m not as gullible as I used to be
I can read people now, like I can with a book
So that I can finally be free
Free from the toxicity that used to capture me
I am grateful for those around me now
I am surrounded by love thats so loud that it resounds
I no longer worry of what they think of me
I am no longer bound by people pleasing
One of the things I am grateful for,
Is the realization that my life is mine to live and to adore
I can finally be myself without a care in the world
Having that freedom is literally a dream come true
I feel like Boo in the factory of doors,
All of these opportunities that are flying around me
Like they have wings that are so majestic when they soar
I never experienced anything like this
This makes me to free
My mind is finally clear
I can focus on bettering me
I am grateful that I still have my drive
No longer procrastinating tasks because of fear
Fear of failure giving people opprotunity abandon me
I have no fear now because I have real ones beside me.
I am really grateful for my job,
Although its not where I want to be
I work hard and earn the money that I need to be free
I can buy simple luxuries that make me feel like a queen
I am grateful for the little things like being able to eat and a warm bed.
But as you can see, I wanted to go a little deep
I will leave you with this
My sincerest words
My Words Of Gratuity

Dear Self,

It is not often that we take time away from the sometimes uncontrollable spiral that is our life to think about the things that we are grateful for within it.
And, now that I’ve taken time to think about it, I’ve come to the realization that most people aren’t grateful until they are given a reason to be.
Maybe it’s my unhealthy obsessions with psychology and horror speaking, but he wasn’t entirely wrong in his thinking.
People who have been in car accidents tend to be more grateful for life than people whose lives have never been threatened.

Maybe that’s off-topic.
What am I GRATEFUL for?

I suppose I’m grateful for the interdependence of humans and trees.
People don’t really think about small things such as these.
I’m grateful for the way the wind blows through the leaves, and the way my son hugs me before he leaves.

You know what?

I’m grateful for life. My life. As it is now.

Just last year, my mental health was depleting. My fiancé of seven years was facing several years in prison, and I’d lost my mind along with him. I remember how bad things got.

Moment of silence to a dark past that led to a brighter future.

Maybe I could have shared a story, but I’ve just been in deep thought. What am I grateful for?

Everything. I remember having nothing like it was yesterday. I remember praying for something to happen any day. I remember hoping that I could find a way. I remember.

So I’m grateful for every breath and every stomach growl. I’m grateful for feeling sick and smelling something foul.

Things that people don’t think about. Things that people can’t do.

I’m grateful for everything because I remember when I didn’t have anything.

Love, Self

The thing I am most grateful for in life
is life itself
my life. this life. me.
this may seem obvious, mundane, oversimplified
but not for me
I have anxiety,
depression,
complex PTSD,
and BPD
I always sort of shrugged at the anxiety;
worry is my natural state
and it always has been
it’s all I’ve ever known
but the depression, the PTSD, the BPD-
those came with time and unfortunate circumstances
the way they blend together and feed off of each other;
the fight is three against one and seems unfair

The little me in the photographs
she stares back at me so innocently
so timid and scared, so wholesome
she has no idea about all of the trauma that’s coming her way
she is going to face abuse and neglect
everyday for the next couple of decades
and this will shape her forever
I am grateful for this version of myself
because she got me through the hardest time of my life
I talk about her in the third person
because I never felt connected to past versions of myself
but especially the littlest version
I had to cope with too much back then;
I repressed so much of it
now I can’t remember huge chunks of my life
but they were too painful to experience the first time around
without having to carry the burden of memory, too

I neglected myself for most of my life,
never stopping to ask what I wanted or needed,
only concerned with pleasing others so I could survive
my default setting was a blank slate
ready to be molded into whatever the other person expected from me
this was conditioned in me
I was groomed to be the perfect victim
for anyone who wanted to control someone else;
a plague that would follow me well into my adult years
ignoring myself became so normal that I forgot who I am,
or maybe I never knew at all,
I was never given the space to find out
(hence the BPD)

I looked death in the eyes that summer
depression dared me to
BPD agreed
PTSD instigated
and I gave in
they convinced me that my life is worthless
and that I am a burden
how are they so good at that?
the overdose felt like a slow death
eventually I passed out
I don’t know how long I was unconscious for
definitely hours, maybe days
when I woke up and realized I was still alive
I was fucking pissed
I was immediately prepared to try again
I can’t really explain exactly what changed, or when, or why
recovery was a slow, excruciating process that I didn’t want to participate in
I guess I learned how to participate anyways
little by little, one step at a time
and the pain started to feel a little less intense, a little less often
so to be able to say today that I am grateful for this life
it is an accomplishment,
one that only came after a long and gruesome recovery process

I am grateful for the version of myself
that packed up all of my things
and moved out of my toxic environment
not once, not twice, but three times
in order to save myself
I am grateful for the version of me
that went to therapy for six years;
the version that took the time
to stare at all of my trauma,
find its roots,
and pour love into them
the way I always deserved
I unlearned a lifetime of self hatred
and as a 23 year old woman
I began to learn how to take care of myself
and maybe even grow to love myself

It has been a long, tiresome journey to this place of gratitude
I could never see a future for myself before
but now I’m starting to
so this is what I mean when I say I am grateful for my life
and I am grateful for myself
I’m grateful for all the different versions of me
that had to exist in order to carry me through
a lifetime of trauma and neglect
I got myself through everything
the world had to throw at me
without ever letting it take away my softness
or my hope for the possibility of something better
the fact that I am alive today is a privilege
and that is what I am most grateful for
I am grateful to simply be alive and to be me

A Thankless Act

I contemplate—
in a grateful state—
where to give thanks.

And it’s not long before
little me
is all I can hear and see.

Bursting with glee,
she decrees:

Wendy and Peter Pan,
Neverland,
those who lend a helping hand,
those not afraid
to take a stand.

Pen in hand,
flow-state
is where I land—
filled with child-liked wonder,
and free of fears I’ve shunned her.

A poem—
this poem—

slowly begins to take its form.
Its words are ones of warmth
that lull her,
hug her—
keep her safe from all-the-world’s thunder.

And it’s reading
better than planned.

But in truth,
I’m grateful for it all—
the planned and unplanned.

For every version of me
I’ve met firsthand.

Me when I’m mad,
but what I really am is sad.
Me when I’m glad
that someone tried to understand

rather than write me off
as “bad.”

The ability to feel—
a chance to heal
and give to myself
the gift of being real.

Grateful,

for the voice inside my head—
the one I used to dread.

Oh, we’d go head-to-head.
And if you asked my heart
to tell you the worst part,

it’d say
that there was nowhere to hide.

Hard to believe that nowadays,
that voice is on my side.
So, I’m happy-er inside.

Because grateful is what I am
for the will to survive,
thrive,
and come alive
that it’s instilled in ‘we’.

Today,
it supports the best version of me—
wants for me to get ahead,
does things like remind me when it’s time for bed.

Swoops in on a rope
when I’m short on hope,
when I’m hanging by a thread.

But most of all…

what I’m most grateful for…
is every decision
I can call mine—
those made by me
and me
Alone.

The ones I own.

For to them,
I owe this home—
the home
that is
she.

The only place I’m truly, finally
free.

What am I grateful for?
Often I feel shameful for not feeling more grateful for my disability
I am grateful to the Higher Power
For instilling the motivation and strength
Recognizing how I can use my disability
Sometimes I make myself feel dizzy
Trying to figure out why me
he chose to be looked at differently
I never think I will fully love my disability
Because I do wish my disability wasn’t something you can see
But when I look at my life now
I am trying to see something new
The good in why he chose me
Being one of the people whose disability you can see
So you see
There is a responsibility
To encourage others to see
We all have a “disability”
I don’t want self-pity
I just want people to understand that
“Your disability” just maybe
Your greatest ability
Thank you higher power
And everyone that supports me!

When I first started attending alcoholics anonymous (AA) meetings, something I heard a lot of people say in their introduction was that they were a grateful alcoholic. I couldn’t understand why someone would be grateful to be cursed with this disease. It destroyed my life, my relationships, my will to live. Why on earth would anyone be grateful to go through life with this sickness? It wasn’t until I had a relapse that sent me to such a deep rock bottom, that I had to fully surrender myself to the program. Once I did so I started to push myself out of my comfort zone, making friends, showing up consistently to the same meetings, developing a relationship with my higher power and giving my all to the twelve steps. This is when I started to see the promises of the program coming true. My fear of the world, failure, rejection and judgement started dissipating. My heart started opening up again and it made space for true connection. I learned how to be vulnerable and share the things I held in so deeply with shame in the past. I have developed so much gratitude for this life of recovery. I understand now what it means to be a grateful recovering alcoholic. If I never had this disease I would never have met the beautiful souls I have in my life today. I would never have gone to the depths of my soul and discovering who I truly am underneath all of my fears and pain. I would never have felt the connection of such a powerful, loving and accepting community. AA is my family and I am so grateful to have been led here through my struggles.

To the songs that soothe our souls—
Birds, who give voice to the dust on butterfly wings,
that set flight to hearts that weigh more, in life,
than this human body can bring

To the women, who hold me in their arms—
Mothers whose love gives birth to all others,
their lips, dripping with truths we crave to read
in the lies of men that can’t, who weren’t made to, bleed.

To the love rising from the ashes within me,
turning dust to nectar, nourishing
petals that sprout, even through fallen leaves.

To the mind, that relentless dynamo,
that wonders, even as I slumber.

To these hips I haven’t mastered
how to shake, that I call home.

To these hardy bones
I fear to break, that I know one day
will wither away.

To these eyes, I know
take me deeper
inside

To the true me, myself, and I,
I’ve always known.

To the one who reads these words,
a reflection, a shadow

That, beneath a fruit tree
already lived and died
longer than

You, or me,
an extension of interconnection,
sparks that lead us back to one eternal flame
from which we all light, and delight,
in one another.

To the hands that type, these words
into a device that may one day enslave me

To pen and paper that cramps my hand,
an addictive catharsis that gives semblance to

This life, this foreign concept,
a system my brain can’t think itself free from,
a headache, a heartache, all at once
felt and embraced,
yet unbound.

For all of this,
I am grateful.