God is great, fear is a liar, Grace wins.

At first it won’t make sense.
I overthink so much until I make myself sick—

I often think about all the what ifs and all the coulda shoulda beens

Playing images in my mind that break me down to the core…

The images that bring out the waterworks & leave your eyes sore.

The kind that have u grieving over something that may or may not be yours…

Now you’re left with this weight on your chest & a knot in your throat

The tears streaming down your face, re-living the pain

—over — and over
— and over again…

I beat myself up not knowing wether I’ve done what’s right or wrong

Too afraid to repeat past patterns
Too afraid to throw myself back into the fire
Too afraid of the damage that can still be done after already going thru so much pain & sorrow.

I remember what happened the last time.
& the time before that & I can’t help but think—

What if it happens again
—God
I don’t know if I can handle it.

They say old keys don’t open new doors .
They also say leave old shit in the past .

Each situation is its own.

What if what failed back then, works for me now?

People wonder why I’m such an over-thinker
I hope you can see for yourself-how

Look at what I just said—
—Shits always contradicting & confusing

It’s all a case by case basis
—and none of us have the recipe for each situation

All I know to be true — is you God

But I can’t always see you.
— and at times I struggle to feel or hear you…

So I pray & pray.
Hoping you’ll hear me say.
I need you.

I need you now as much as I did back then —

I need to hear you loud & clear again .

Like that day in my bedroom.

You gave me a quick glimpse at my future but it quickly escaped to

All a sudden I received a message but I don’t know where it came from?

It said to me…

Do you really think that laying something down at his feet —

Reaching out to him daily.

Choosing not to move-until you receive clarity.

Trying to let him take the lead…Will somehow cause you to lose something?—

To lose something thats destined for you ?…

Absolutely not. On the contrary.

He will bless you for your obedience.
For you guarding your heart.

For you refusing to accept-less than what is right
— and not giving in to what is not .

— and I know it will hurt to hear this but if it’s lost— it wasn’t yours to keep to begin with.

I know it’s hard to be still but don’t stress it.

Gods got this.
He knows best not only where u are but where you are going.

— God is great, fear is a liar, & grace wins.

One day you will see you are not alone & you have never been…

Subtitle: Love Conquers All 💙🤝🌎

Your Love is — truly “insane”
Hard to explain —

Hard to believe —
You would have — such — Amazing Grace

It makes me — choke up — to think about —
How Great — Your love — truly is

I just wish — the rest of the world — would be open — to receiving it

So they could also — watch you move

So they can see — we’ve all been — chosen

Not just me — them too

The “righteous” route — is not an easy one
but neither is — thee other

At least with you — my pain — won’t be in vein
& I know — one day — I will recover

I’m so thankful — for the life — I currently live
Illness & all — as hard — as it may get

I’ll take it — over a life — without You — any day

I have truly — began — to believe & to see —

You will always — supply me — with adequate strength & resources — to push forward & succeed

I can’t stop myself — from getting emotional —
thinking about — all that — You Are

— & all — that — You’ve Been

You Are —
The Way, The Truth, & The Life 🙌🏼

Our Father, life long Partner, & Friend 🫶🏼

If earth— has the capability — to feel — this good — at times

I can only imagine — how eternity — in Heaven
— next to You — could’ve been

Adam & Eve — deprived us of that — from the start —

but I know — Everyday that we choose you —
we’re that much closer — to joining you — at the top

At the top of — “The Staircase”

I was never really sure — how we — would make it —

But you told me — all I had to do — was take
“The Next Step”

So here I am Lord — to give You back 🤲🏼
Your Glory & full credit 🙌🏼

I could’ve never done it — without Your loving care & detailed instruction

To Our Creator of the universe — The Most High — Jireh

I can’t wait — till the day —
we finally get to see — for our selves —

A world — where joy meets — no end
& “Love Conquers All” 💙🤝🌎

***Quote to live by***

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase” —MLK

Subtitle: Somebody Loves You Baby 💙 ✨

If I had to pick one thing I’d want the whole world to know — above all else — what would it be ?

That — Somebody loves you baby—
So please believe —

That when you look around — you’ll be able to see

That — that somebody — can be found — in many forms, shapes & sizes

That — He Is — not limited — to the only world — you & I both — reside in

Let me put it down for you — in the easiest way — that I know how

He comes in the shape of — a parent, a brother, or a sister

A nephew, a niece, your child, or a stranger

He comes in the shape of — a weeping willow tree
That some how — even with it’s sad — drooped down leaves — can manage to put ur heart at ease — as they sway back and forth in the breeze

Or even — when simply — standing still

He comes in the shape of that blue bird
Who reminds you — of ur loved one — who passed away last year

In the shape of those beautiful — white butterflies — flapping away — at the grave yard

In the shape of that — loyal golden doodle — you tend to feed — way too much

You can find him in the sunflower field — Late September

Or the beautiful sunset & sunrise — Come November

You can see him — in the waves of the ocean — as they roll & roar

As they come to say Hi — before they drift away — once more

I’d want you all to know — that somebody loves you more — than you could ever imagine

But pls — don’t try to fit him in a box — with it’s four corners & think that — that’s it — that’s him

He’s not limited to the highest iq
that can be reached inside our human minds — today

He knows every atom in our body —
The building blocks — from which were made of

We — on the other hand — on this side of heaven
Will never fully know — or understand Him

He’s all beautiful things we see
And — all beautiful things — unseen

He’s all the colors of the rainbow —
& all colors yet — to be named — or made up

He’s the beautifulest language — ever spoken
& All good words — we have yet — to add to our vocab

He’s the Beginning & The End
The Alpha & The Omega
The great I AM — Yah – Weh

He’s all things Great & all things Good

There’s a lot of things — I’d want the whole world to know —

— but if I had to narrow it down & put it down for you — in simplest form

I’d say— this —

The world is not Black & White
& neither — is HE

He’s the creator of the universe
& he loves both — you — & me

But if I must say — just — ONE — Only one —single thing — it’d be ….

Somebody Loves You Baby 💙✨
— please believe …

You ever try to envision your future — and it looks pitch black ?
Ppl ask you who you wanna be or what you wanna do — when you grow up
Your single mother was livin in survival mode just like you — doing the best she can
Too busy to sit you down and ask —
“Baby, what you wanna do when you get older? — We gotta start to plan”

Before she knew it — your life began
You’re 17 and graduating and the years flashed right before — her eyes

Now her little girl is pregnant & must grow up and time just passed her by

But don’t get sad on me now — momma — just hold on — hang tight

This is just the beginning — This is not the end

Lucky for her — she was never alone, God had her back… & he became my best friend

You see — For many of you in my same situation
I too grew up w/out an earthly father — to help raise me
but as it turns out — I never really needed him — anyway

My heavenly father picked up his slack . . . Im just another witness & reminder of that —

He placed the right ppl in my life
to help guide me down a — virtuous path

I just had to shift my perspective & be open — to accepting his plan

Gods timing is perfect, he’s never late —
he was just waiting for me to take hold of his hand — on the other end

I had to keep my focus on someone that was beyond me & my current situation
Had to let go of any self pity and all excuses I had created
I could say lucky for me — but most my life — it felt far from it

Regardless — It was never luck or chance
Just a shift in perspective & a blessing in disguise
We all have those — everyday — we just gotta be willing — to open up our eyes
So pls — don’t let yourself be minimized

By yourself — or your surroundings
or anything else — you may be lacking
He makes something out of nothing —
time and time — again
Live life — like it’s already yours — and in due time — it will come — you will win

My first step in achieving my goals came from finding my greatest weaknesses —
Had to figure out how to turn my weakness into power — so I laid them — right beneath him

But first — let’s take it back to beginning— before I started winning

It was my big bro & my middle school sweetheart
That’s who did it —

My big bro held a lot of anger inside — while tryna figure out who he was — and what he believed in

As for my baby — He was born into a different lifestyle than mine — and I wanted nothing more than to — save him
I didn’t want to lose him — in more ways than simply just — our relationship

I had To try to prove to myself and to them
why the man up above
was the one to believe in

I’d not been able to overcome and succeed in all that I have — if it wasn’t for God — & his strength in our weakness

I wanted to show them a love — so pure
but first — I had to start — by believing

I wanted to show them his love but I knew — it would take lots of time — and patience — for them to see it

I Had to do it in a positive way
not too pushy— or rushed — or forcefully done
Cus the God I knew, taught me — early on — that’s not what real love was

Unfortunately — my current circumstance didn’t yet reflect the God — that I knew & loved
I was only 15 yrs old & hadn’t lived long enough
I didn’t have anything to prove or show for it — just yet
So I had to put my words into action even tho it was hard
I always suffered from anxiety and lacked concentration and because of it — I struggled bad
I was made out — to always feel dumb
but — I was far from that
The worlds a cruel place to live in — and at times
I believed what theyd sung
But Gods words over me and my life were different
and they’ll also speak life unto yours
So I had to live by the words that I preached
so I too could believe the words — that he spoke
it’s been almost 15 yrs since than and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life that I sought out to do
I’m still so far from done but I’m doing what I can —Lord — to make sure — it all points back to you
So here are some of my goals he helped me achieve — (he helped me come true)

I knew nothing about kids and babies
Not a clue how some day i would become a mommy
So I went to school for childcare
and became someone I’d never known
I became a infant toddler teacher and got to hold lots of babies and watch them grow
I was able to raise my baby boy — good
even tho a few yrs back I would have never thought or knew …
Remember when I sd i used to see pitch black
—Well things changed real fast when
God said to me — nahhh bby girl — wait —till you see —what I’ve got in store — for you

next up— I decided to get certified to become a foster parent
but that’s something I still have to do

I decided I wasn’t done just yet tho
so I went back to school to became a nail tech
Too
& still I thought that wasn’t enough so , I said,
how bout a barber too

Life’s been a whole lotta up down rollercoaster wild ride adventures — this is true
But pls don’t get discouraged by my accolades thus far
cause they come and go the same way we do
They will all fade into dust someday but one thing will remain to be true
My biggest goal that i accomplished & the one that matters the most
is — that even — if no one else will believe—
I proved to myself — God is true

Chapter 29

What can I say about this chapter of my life & what I love

This chapter — as many others — has tought me — so so much

Most of all—

It’s taught me to step outside — my comfort zone

Into an — unfamiliar place
Into the — complete — unknown

It’s allowed me to — crawl my way out of
— the abyss

& To open my self up — to the world again

It’s taught me — that It’s ok for me — to let you in

& no — it’s not easy to show myself
in my most vulnerable state — it’s never been

To let you have — a sweet taste
of my most — sour days — can be unsettling

Unsettling — to say the least

Sometimes you can tell still —
when my body’s — trembling

Or when my voice — shakes

But I learned — to simply just
— trust the process

in exchange — the power — I’ve gained
Is — Courage

What I love most about this Chapter — 29 of mine

Is that I finally let go of —
“my perfect plan — & timeline”

I learned to finally — resubmit myself — to God
In a way — I hadn’t done — for so long

I learned to heal some parts of me — that took me back — to little ol’ me — at 17

Even tho for years — that girl
has been gone

I learned to finally give up — trying to be her again

— just wishing & wishing

I know now — I’ll never be that girl again
but I’m no longer tripping

I can finally be at peace — to say goodbye to her & recreate myself

Trusting that me at 29 — has already made her proud

So what do I love most about this — Chapter 29 — I ask myself ?

That — a little bit of this
& a little bit of — that

Restored the hope back in my heart — that for years — I have lacked

& that — even on the days
When I felt — most alone

I never truly was — cause God
Neverrrr — Let Me — Go

I learned that — when God promised
to make a beautiful story out of me

He in fact — did not fold

Even tho at times — it felt like
my time was being wasted

It was simply just — a beautiful story
— still — in the making

All I gotta do now — is continue to let him take the lead

& not forget — like Miley Cyrus — always said
— It’s the climb

So I’ll keep on climbing

I’ll be patient Lord 🙏🏽
I’ll let you finish writing ✍️ 🥹

I love myself cause God first loved me

I love myself because I didn’t like the old me .

I love myself because I am my longest commitment

But to love myself ain’t all rainbows and butterflies

To love myself means
to lose myself over and over again —in the process

I love myself because no one else was up for the challenge

I love myself because I wanna love you better and I can’t without it

I love myself because home should feel safe, freeing, and calming

I love myself because I don’t wanna keep on running

I love myself because I don’t need instant gratification

I love myself because I’m willing to wait and sacrifice for all things meant for me

I love myself because I owe it to myself to say goodbye to the old me

I love myself because I don’t wanna be 35, partying & hoeing

I love myself because I know what I want & I’m determined to work hard & go get it

I love myself because I can apologize when I realize of my wrong doings

I love myself because Depth — is hard to find

& Superficial — is depressing and boring

I love myself because Ik I don’t know it all
& Im willing to continue learning

I love myself because I love the world around me

I love myself because I’m humble and loving

I love myself because I want to give back & show my appreciation & gratitude to the one who
—despite my imperfections & flaws—

still chooses to love me ❤️🙏🏽

These are some of the reasons why

I love me

It’s easy — isn’t it
To look back on our life & remember all the worst
All the worst times of our life that always seem to come first

Like the first time — I experienced racism
The first time — I experienced bullying

The first time — my love was used against me
Or the first time — my heart was broken

There was a lot of first of “THE WORST”
But likewise — there were many first of the best

Like the first time — I got the job I really wanted
Or the first time — I graduated

Or the time I won my first real fight with ease
Or the first time a family member came home from jail surprising me

There’s been a lot of good moments
but I seem to have forgotten a lot of them

I’m doing my best now — to live in the present moment
—To soak it all in

Cause I know there is so much to be grateful for
—There’s always been

Like my mom choosing peace & safety over toxicity — for her children

No matter what — she never let fear stop her

She was unbelievable
She was unstoppable

She did the best she could with the hand she was dealt

Like getting that job that not only paid the bills
but also provided us with a warm free house

Or that one time she pointed out to her lawyer — how she was wrong

That was only one of the many steps she took — to obtain our freedom

I still remember the first time she met my little boyfriend

She offered to give us some money
—then suggested we go to Barnes & Noble
to drink some coffee

At the time it was so embarrassing—
But looking back now— She’s so funny
We were like 14 — Not 40

I still remember — I tried to avoid repeating history
but somehow history didn’t escape me

One day — I had to text my mom discreetly
I asked her to please come save me

I won’t go into detail — but that day she rescued me from hell

I remember the times my brother and I would go skating

Or this one time we decided to try out this game — where he had to try to make me pass out

& it actually worked — he did

Except I think he thought he killed me
I don’t know — but that shit is funny

Some of them were good memories
& some were bittersweet

I wish I could remember them all
but disassociation got the best of me

So here’s a few more that easily come to mind

Like when my first love never made me feel pressured
— Simply loved

Or when my second one spoke a prayer over me
That felt majestic & empowering
— Like freedom

Or when my friends and I thought we were cute — walking around the east side

Just waiting on the cute boys to drive by and say hi

Haha— those sure were the good times.

Then there was that time an important figure in my life somehow ended up in jail
Managed to post bail & still make it back in time to my baby shower

Or when that amazing teacher who quickly became family
Went out of her way to pick me up for school daily

Or when another amazing teacher who often went above and beyond

Was touched by some writing assignment I did
& surprised me with an unexpected gift

So yeah—

It is easy to remember all the worst — but there is also so much to be grateful for

I’m grateful for every glimpse of heaven I’ve ever received

I’m grateful for a badass mom & her vision to always
Push forward & succeed

I’m grateful for the village that helped raise me

I’m grateful for any friend who served a purpose in my life
Even if at some point — our lives no longer aligned

I’m still grateful for the good times & the memories left behind

I’m grateful for the short-lived respect & pure love I received —from my first love
My impossible baby

I’m grateful for the amazing son — my second one gave me

There is so much more to be grateful for
even from all the worst that were followed by the best

Or I don’t know — maybe fue al revés

Either way— I thank you God — My best friend

May I always be able to shine the light on the better side of perspective

May I continue to be able to see all the good that still lives within the broken world we currently live in

May we not only see the trauma we’ve endured through our struggling

But the perseverance & resilience we received simultaneously

So for both the good & the bad

I gotta be grateful for it all — and I am

……………………………….
Vision reality — Pt.1✨
Dreams VS. Vision 💭
……………………………….
Dreams to me—
are what you see when you’re asleep

Vision, is what you set goals for—
to execute & achieve

I have so many goals in mind
& I believe what the mind can see—
you can bring to life

From Vision to Reality

But There’s just this little catch though

Sometimes it feels like it works
& sometimes—it feels like it don’t

Sometimes you get to keep somethings
Sometimes you won’t

Then there’s times—
you don’t even get to have it

Unless it’s in your dreams
& not reality

I know at times its felt so real
But then it quickly disappeared
Like quick sand slippen thru your hands
On it went—to never ever land

At first it hurts so much
You question everything—including you & your self-worth

Somethings are just not meant—for you though

Sometimes it’s just wrong size—
perhaps wrong address

Or simply just—
wrong timing

Alotta times—
things tend to look all pretty & shiny ✨

So much so—
they can easily become blinding

From afar they’ll bling —
attracting anyone & anything

Just remember—things aren’t always what they seem

Sometimes the ring don’t fit
Or your body don’t accept it

Sometimes I’m allergic
& my body rejects it

But with so many options in this world
Sometimes—
Just Sometimes—
Less is more

But don’t get discouraged—
I just want you to know

Worry bout yourself & your home

Everything else will fall into place for you—along the road

……………………………….
Vision reality — Pt 2. ✨✨
2024 Goals 📝
……………………………….

So when they ask me about my 2024
This is what I wrote

I set some goals
& I could easily tell you now
but my goals aren’t for everyone to know
I would rather show you how

I rather create my master plan—
have a talk upstairs w my old man
Jot them down—
remember how

The struggle is real
but God is Realer

How—plans are a guide
But usually never—fully set in stone

Sometimes you’ll go straight ahead—
sometimes you detour

Stay on your toes—
& ready for redirection

Cause the time will come—
when plans ain’t steady

Sometimes they go south
Sometimes they’ll go North

But don’t you worry—just hold tight
& don’t let go

Keep in mind—
there is more than one way—you can go

Just hand him the wheel—let him steer
& put your blinders on—
so you can see clear

Listen up & listen close
Be careful with all that—outside noise

Sometimes his voice can be real quite
So I do my best—to quite my surroundings

Cause—
How I’m suppose to hear him talking—
while listening to—“Yo Gotti”

God be tryna reach out to me—
after me asking him to guide me

But then—
I go straight into hiding

Hiding behind memes & streams—
that contradict what he believes

Catch what I’m saying?

I’m sorry Lord—I’m trying

I know you know best—
where I am—where I’m headed
& what needs—be left—behind me

Like that one time—
I had that vision of a business
But it didn’t make it

Named it—Vision Reality
I was so hopeful & determined

I held on to the idea—for some time
Tryna not—let go of it

I paid a lot of money out of pocket
Until I couldn’t pay—no more of it

Spent months & months—working on it
Alot of frustrating late nights—
that felt like wasted time

But no time is ever wasted—
if you chose to learn—from all the unexpected lessons

I know more now—then I did back then
& perhaps that—one failed attempt
will help me—perfect the next
……………………………….
Vision reality — Pt 3. ✨✨✨
Love Note Back To You 💙
……………………………….

So when I think about 2024
& my goals I have set forth—
I write them down & plan ahead
Always keeping in mind—Remembering

I’m never fully in charge—
I’ve never been

I always wanna be in control
& I know it’s time—I learn to let go

Let go—of my so called “Master Plans”
Lay them down into—the Real Masters Hands

Let him help me quite all the noise
Take my lil social media breaks—as needed
so I can fully hear his voice

Focus on my own goals & life—
not just sit back-chillin—
watching y’all live yours

Live my life for me
Remembering—

Not everything in life—
needs to be shared
Not everyone—
needs to know everything

W so many distractions—
It can be easy to be sucked into the madness
To forget—our own goals & visions

So I take breaks—when I start to feel low or stagnant
& I revisit

Revisit my goals & pray on em’
Cause soon as I get comfortable—
i’m uncomfortable again
knowin I should—be working on the next one

So I ask him to help me—shut the world out again
& all it’s nonsense
To give me back my tunnel vision
& let me get a lil glimpse of him

To not let this world stain my lenses
cause I hate to become blind
& a prisoner of my own mind
& rob myself—of my own blessings

But when everything around me’s—
fake news
When everything is wrong—
that I once thought to be true

All this & more—can really weigh on me
& I can’t lie—it can really get depressing

So I ask my God—
for some love notes—here & there
To let me get a glimpse of heaven—
util I myself—can finally get there

So for 2024—
there’s so much—that I plan to do

Most of all—I just want to become—
less of me & more of you

I really love to brag about your love for us
Cause I wish the world knew—it’s true

But vise versa—I could never brag about MY love for you

I know I fail you—every day
Real quick tho—I just wanna say

Thank you—Lord
For your provision & my daily bread

For the day you told me

Just hold on—you won’t regret it
Trust me—I got it

Cause even though it sometimes hurts—
I’ll take it

15 yrs later—You were right
I don’t regret it

2024—is yours Lord
Show me—just what you can do

I think I’m ready now
I wanna see you move

Let’s go—Let’s get it

God,
This is My Love Note back to you

💙🙏🏽

I’ve been feeling so defeated.
So many emotions bottled up,
Looking for a healthy way to release it.

I’ve always loved to write,
But too afraid to share the feelings I’m feeling.

Wanting to use my life to make a difference,
But I’d have to put myself out there,
For the whole world to see it.

Too afraid to lose my sense of security,
I hold on to all that I been through.
But what good is my pain,
If it’s not used to help you.

As the years pass me by,
Sometimes I feel I’ve lost my purpose.
Just when I think I’ve got it figured out,
Here comes life saying,
“Here, let me show you this.”

I have to relearn & readjust,
Every so many years,
& it’s so exhausting.

Idk whats right & what’s real,
Life tends to back out on its word & confuse me foreal.
Todays healthy, is tomorrows cancer.
Just when I think I’m headed in the right direction,
I fall off my track,
& create a new disaster.

I never knew how to love myself,
Even though I really tried.
My idea of self love backfired on me,
Time after time.

Then one day my body gave me no choice but to listen,
I was barely walking or standing & my mental health was deteriorating.

I had those thoughts we never talk bout,
Because I wasn’t living.
I was glued to my bed,
Thoughts racing day & night in my head.

I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be,
& above all, I think that’s what broke me.
So many things combined,
Made my body explode inside.
& From there on out,
I had to say goodbye to the old me.

Day after day,
I wake up & go to bed in pain.
But I try… again & again.
Whole body screaming,
“Someone please come & heal me.”

Slowly but surely, I’m working.
Hoping to find the remedies to heal all the trauma stored in me.

I deserve more then self pity.
I’ve seen ppl worse off,
living they’re dream.

It would be so disrespectful,
Not to do all that I can,
To feel better.

I’m hurten,
but occasionally I hear that voice in my head saying, “I’m worth it.”

It’s a painfully slow progress,
But Its said, “slow & steady wins the race.”
I hear we hold within us & above us,
All the tools & strength.
Strength needed to face tomorrow,
Until you reach the day with no more sorrow.
Self healing, not self pity,
Is the motto.

My body is a powerful place,
Covered in Gods healing & grace.
& one day I shall conquer.