When you think Happiness — What do you see ?

For me — Happiness is a lot of different things

Like finding banana bread in my car from last night

& realizing — hey cool — now I have a midday snack 😋

Happiness is noticing I put my keys on the hook

& the following day not having to run around like a chicken without a head — while I desperately look

Happiness is the days — I wake up to a clean room

& the days my son gets ready — without step by step instruction — on what he needs to do

Happiness is his comical personality —
a free in house comedian — just for mommy

He still cost me a fortune — but that’s ok
Mommy thinks he’s worth it

Happiness is arriving to my destination on time

Or watching the kids playing soccer outside

Happiness is a mani pedi night
& tik tok time with my beautiful niece

Happiness is watching lifetime movies
with my mom — (even tho they traumatize me)

— Or her guilt-fully admitting to me
she gave a stranger — a good chunk of money

Happiness looks different for everybody

Some ppl think happiness is only in the future
While others may only see it in the past

There’s been times — I’ve been both those people
but I no longer wanna be like that

I feel the sooner we learn to release the idea of happiness being anywhere but now

The sooner we unlock the chains — that have held us hostage

& blinded us from the blessings — we currently
have right now

So I look around at my now — and I think about all the things I currently have — that make me happy

& suddenly the things I don’t yet have — start to slip my mind

Not because I don’t want them anymore
but because obsessing over it — is unhealthy

So just incase I start to forget my blessings
I jot them down to revisit them

& I remind myself that happiness is not a perfect situation or timeframe

Happiness is a way of liven

So I try to be happy —
minute by minute — hour by hour — day by day
if I have to

Until happy moments
turn into happy days again

Ik it’s easier said than done
— I also struggle with it

Some situations make it hard to live happy each moment

— like a sudden loss or separation
Or being in an abusive relationship

Identity theft — sudden illnesses — You name it

But I spent a lot of years of life carrying the weight of burdens that weren’t mine to carry

Not because these things didn’t happen to me
— Because they did

But because I tried to control things that were out of my control — instead of letting go

Letting go is hard — I know

But it’s freeing 🦅

So I put my worries up on a shelf — let them worry about themselves

— & redirect my focus to something else

Like listening to my brother telling me — he successfully completed a mission

Wether I’d be — home remodeling
or that he recently replaced a transmission

I don’t understand what he says to me half the time but I’m happy to listen

Happiness is the sun setting in in front my eyes
or in my cars — rear view mirror

Happiness is — long curly hair & colored eyes
on that one stranger — who helped me heal

Happiness is my sitter & I playing rumikub
Or my sons sister finally telling me — I love you too

Happiness is watching a father interact w his son
& heal the inner child in him — that never had one

Happiness is the smile I see on my granny — while giving her a gel mani

Even more so — watching her regain her strength after amputation — & learning how to walk again w her prosthetic

Happiness is — my friends famous enchiladas
Her venting to me — all pissed off
Or us having a self care day — with an amazing massage

Happiness is a good talk with a stranger
Or a God answered prayer

At times — happiness is receiving peace
in exchange for the ones — unanswered

Happiness is changing the situation when it no longer makes you happy

Or changing your perspective on it
— if that’s not an option

Happiness is listening to
(Reckless love)

Or finding a safe place to express myself & my feelings like — theunsealed.com

Happiness sometimes means to hold on

While other times happinesss means to let go

Happiness may look different for everyone else tho

This is just some of my happiness
summarized into a short little poem 💙

I think I’m in happy…
Introvert at heart I was exhausted but enjoying myself like a good day at the gym
I had been participating in some verbal jogging when the jargon interrupted the depth of my thoughts
I wanted to go deeper, but the question brought me back to the surface
You know, that over used, over played, over copied, get out of jail free question
So, how did you feel, question mark
A mental sigh fogs my mind, as I wait for the dust to settle, I try to paint what can’t be replicated in any art
My response a cliche of my own just to joust back
In case we’re keeping score
I’m deadly competitive to a fault, laughing to myself touché
Oh, my reply, I almost forgot
The cliche runs from my mouth: the words to describe it are lost but if found it would be something like watching the American Day Dream on the big screen except you’re the main character
When your mood matches the brightness within the sunrise of your eyes and you’re by no means even a little bit of an early bird
You hear the sound of vinyl recorded melodies on repeat as you brush your teeth
The dust slowly undresses as I then get dressed
Looking for the perfect outfit is comparable to searching for these words
And don’t even get me started on shoes
The right pair will have everyone on there heels and can capture the eyes to the soul
That day my soul sang solo after the shower rained down cleansing compliments
Chanting for an encore
The volume of the claps is turned down
The dust has finally kissed the ground
And for the reveal my reflection sees a familiar memory
As my mouth curves like a rose into a shape it hasn’t felt in awhile
I’ve been chasing this flowery feeling like the butterfly tasting the flight of bliss
I grab as fast as I can, gripping the steering wheel headed to the destination
Shouting I’m never letting go
As my opposite palm holds her hand
I want to stop to picture frame this memory
I have to stop and picture frame this memory
We stop at the red light and she asks: can I borrow a forehead kiss
I respond: as long as you come back again
p.s. this is happiness, it was something like that…

Say yes immediately!

Do not check your schedule,
do not consider
the consequences
until it’s too late.

Lose sleep
constructing
escape plans.

Remember:
anxiety is a loan shark
and it will find you!

Write the text and delete it
a few hundred times.

Google ‘how to safely
poison yourself’

Decide against it

Cancel last minute

and repeat.

Get up
the day has been
asking about you.

Shake off the dust
of your wallowing.

Unhibernate your
state of belonging.

I have seen skeletons
rediscover their heartbeats
so I have no doubt that you can, too.

Realign your bones.
Wash off the sins that your
sadness left behind.

Become fierce again
because the sky
Is toothless mouth
without you.

The sun lies awake
worried that he will never
get the chance
to cast your shadow again.

The wind has a scripture of things
it wants to whisper to you.

Turn your door mats around
so the world welcomes you.

Introduce yourself
like this world
owes you something.

It has left you breathless
for far too long.
You earned its oxygen.
Claim it!

This world is yours
for the taking
if you want it.

So get up!
The world
has been asking about you

it would be rude for you
not to answer.

There was a war within the conversation
Eight casualties reported that leaves only one left
The gun holder hears a voice cry: what do you want from me?
The gun confidently cocks a whisper: I want everything you didn’t give to me back
You see in my head you were supposed to care
Package your love as the gift I receive every second of the day
But you were so nonchalant like the fashionable fabric that hangs off the shoulder purposely and doesn’t care about any penny pinching opinions
Personality is fashion and doesn’t have to be understood
I didn’t expect you to comprehend the inner workings, I just wanted you to try
But you would rather show more interest in other things… I’m one of the reasons you’re still alive
Funny now I got your life in my hand
And I’m taking it, out like the trash today that has been sitting for too long
Anger starts to cry as the gun holder exclaims say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye
Can’t do it can you
Don’t make me pull this trigger
You ain’t never been about no action it’s always talk
Neither have you, you were supposed lead me out of Egypt, but you just had me going in circles of your desert mind
You were supposed to provide, but all you did was cover your tracks with paid excuses
I know I’m not perfect and I promise I did try… I’m just still hurt, and the kaleidoscope pain made me dizzy
It’s hard to move forward when you can’t catch balance as it falls, not to mention verbal bullets trying to permanently end the conversation
What do you want from me?
I want a ring, don’t casually date me be committed
I give you a release, I am your peace, but you only tool this pleasure for your advantage, making copper from gold
I’m a grown woman not one of your little friends
I want you to understand my history and stop browsing
I want you to protect me and walk on the busy side of the street
I want to feel safe in your arms, keep all the danger locked away
I’m a queen and want to be your friend to represent our royalty
I want to be your inhale and you my exhale
I’m jealous so I want to be your heart and rib
I want you to love me the way Christ married the cross, and left little posted notes on the mirror in the form of a book for His children’[
You wanted so much from me but never invested in me, us, our relationship has been life and death, but you keep it in the same breath… As small talk
Then expect me to take our conversations seriously
Well, if that’s what it’s going to be I’ll keep your letters piled up on the corner of the desk like the mail I need to throw away
Cold steel makes me spit sweat and choke on air
Kill shot, the gun is talking, the conversation has a period in the shape of a bullet
The white light gets louder as I grow older
Now what was all that talk you was saying?
Breathing heavy, is this it, is it too late?
Breathing heavy, She has blocked me
She is Poetry and my blood is the ink
I finally understand but is it too late
Breathing heavy
Please poetry take this writers block away from me
p.s. she just wants respect…

She said get dressed we’re going out
Immediately my introverted thoughts tied me down to chair where I was watching a movie
She could see my hesitation breathing hard so she quickly interjected
Before you say no I took care of all the essentials, so you don’t have to worry about anything
It’s all planned out, and I know you don’t like to always get fancy so this is more of a business casual scene
She then casually walks away saying I need to go get ready
We’re leaving in 40
I leave my comfortable chair and make my way to the closet
Trying my best to closet my anxiety
Maybe my off whites will help me walk away from the dark thoughts
Today feels like a bow tie day
I usually put my cologne on last but in the rush of the moment things got mixed up
Tree sprays and she could sense the scent in the atmosphere change
Lust became a dangerous game
She ran my direction and said close your eyes before she entered the room
I don’t want you to see my outfit
She ran up behind me and her lips hugged my cheek
Then she walked in front of me, her hands covered my eyes
She asked what is that you’re wearing
As I started to speak her lips gripped mine before I could get a word out
She said is smells sweet
I replied: like candy
She answered: yes
She then proceeded to steal two more candy coated cologne kisses from me
Now finish getting ready she whispered as she left the room
p.s. I’m so in love…

Roses are blue and violets are red
When I think of you everything is backwards in my head
Like what I usually would never do I’m now thinking about times two
Every reservation turns into an invitation, so I made plans including dinner for two
Her favorite flower is a rose, and what would a rose be by any other name
If I pick a rose does it take my last name
Roses are pink and Lilys are Lilac
Lavender conversations tastes different when you know she has your back
A rose tattooed on my back is dead until your finger tips hug my thorns
A relationship embraces the pain of every fallen petal
A rose is just a star but with you holding it I can see the galaxy
Dreams aren’t that far away with you in the passenger seat
She drives me crazy and I don’t mind
What’s happiness without adversity
Is a rose still as beautiful without the barb wire
Roses are white and sunflowers are teal
In a crowded room, far away, but I can still feel
You
U without the y. o. because something is different
U and I could be different, and the world needs a change
p.s. I just want to buy you flowers…

It’s the breath I need but can’t reach
Arms extended as far as they can reach
But the superhero is late this time and can’t save me
Plan ahead they say so you can make time to smell the flower things
I’ve never been much of a gardener
However, today I’m planting mustard seeds
So, my confidence can age as grand as the canyon
I can finally picture heaven in the palm of my hands with this Canon
Camera, bombing any part of hell left in my yesterday that tries to burn my film
Hope used to be a dream then I made my dreams come true
Hope used to slip through my fingers but now I wear it as a cape
Flying over depression, fear, and regret
Debts I no longer wish to add to
Stop subtracting from you, thinking to myself
Hope is priceless, you don’t have to play tag with money
That’s why the tag looks out of place in a garden
The highest value holders are free
Plant faith and wake up in a field of dreams
Plant a rose and fall in love
Plant patience and endurance will run past any future
Harmony outlasts pains earthquake
Honor overcomes poisoned endings
And it gives me hope that tomorrow isn’t so bad after all
I don’t always feel super, but I will be my own hero
p.s. don’t forget your cape…

I told my brother once — who I was dating — & He replied to me

“I thought you had more self-respect than that”

Later on in life — I realized — he was right

(But it was not my intention)

For the last 10 yrs — those words have been
engraved in my mind — like a tombstone

I had a lot of deja-vu signs —

That led me to believe — him & I were meant to be — but we weren’t tho

Im sorry — but I mean — come on now 

He read me — Bible stories & Scriptures 🙏🏽

I thought — I had self respect — thru a period of time — in the past

But somewhere — down the line — I lost it

I like to think — I’m doing better now a days — 
& I can finally say — once again — I have it

I was just an old soul — in a superficial world

withought a strong voice — of her own — to put her foot down

I was searching for something — in someone else — that was meant to be found — within myself

But truly — I think— what he said to me — then —
really did help

I think back on — the first time — I moved out — on my own

About a year or so — out of an abusive —relationship — with a child of my own

Things became different — then the life — I envisioned — & it really took a toll

Lord knows — all I wanted — was a God filled family

Definitely not — another broken home

I was readjusting my lenses — to try to understand — & accept my new life — and what happened

I questioned so much — about myself — & all I believed in

Every-time I tried to do right — It backfired on me

& the emotions became — overpowering & depleting

My first love — was facing a long time — on the other side — & the news of that — was heartbreaking

We weren’t together at the time — but that’s something — you never wanna hear about —
 your middle school love — from 8th grade

My second one — was church bound — for a while — long enough to make me smile — & put a ring on it

We got engaged after 3 months —
 but shortly after that — things changed

We went from Bible stories to —

“I hope you die bitch”

But Ik that — he’s only human — so I try to my best — to forgive him

He tried to walk down — a Righteous path —
& a part of me — wants to believe — the intention was pure — and authentic

But how could he not — go back to the hood
 — when what he thought to be true

became faker then the streets — he once knew — & tried to get away from

The pastor — along with his crew — were all
“wolfs in sheeps clothing”

Sneaky, deceiving & misguiding —

Misleading everyone they knew — including you — & I’m sorry

I had dedicated — several years of my life to God — & he told me — to trust him

But can you imagine?

How painful & confusing it was — to have lost — not only my first love — but my second ?

All while trying — to make the right choices —
but instead gaining — religious PTSD — in the process ?

Who was I suppose to turn to — & believe in

While battling — all these inner demons — & traumas — I was dealing with

I went thru many — up-down phases — of believing — while simultaneously — grieving

So I ran away — from my feelings — into the arms of people — I can no longer — even remember

I gave access to my home — & my temple — & said yes at times — I should have definitely — had said no

I had a voice of my own — but didn’t know how to use it

That shits triggering — to remember

Cause little me — just wanted someone to love — & protect her

Not realizing then — I was all I ever needed 
— & was looking for

So I’m thankful — I now — better respect — myself & my temple

Thankful — I respect my brother — as a father figure — more then I do — a brother

His opinion — really matters to me — 
So I truly strive — to make him proud

I’m sorry bro, that back then —

Your little sister — didn’t know how 🥺

My heart is broke I’m begining to sulk
My tears are for fears that you might not be back do you have to go away for this long? I don’t think Im strong for lack of a better word, maybe I’m being absurd
First time I saw you I knew you were the one.
Starring in to each others eyes our lips touched and that was it, I was hit with cupid’s arrow.
Now years later a lie was created
doubted thoughts loom and you assume.
My heart drops what did I do I never knew you felt like this I must’ve missed.
I want to give you a kiss and be in bliss again with you, this what I really want to do
I miss you

This is but a thought the truth of what our nation is coming to
Fiddle De De fiddle de dumb biden’s got his thumb up his bum, he gave Ukraine another lump sum.
Migrants galore, Chicago ignore. They say the American dream is a lore. It rocks me to my bitter core.
The opponent stays quiet, so there won’t be a riot.
My words are honest, but I can’t promise they won’t cause strife. Think of your life.
I’m not political, I’m not semitic
but I said it…
Eat the rich, but not the poor
too many citizens lying on the floor
My lord…
They say COVID is coming back and it’s going to attack. Relax it’s just tact
The election is coming The press is running and they are cunning.
My thoughts are clear a mere sense of clarity
A rarity indeed I’m not trying to mislead It’s just a seed.

Hello in there, is your head working yet? Here just take another pill.
For breakfast every morning I have a colorful array of meds.
Just so I can fit in, I hate it I really do. don’t worry here’s another pill to cheer you up, one to keep u from your nightmarish dreams. One to stay awake, one for pain, another to be in a. Good mood, one to make you stay in a good mood. but it might take a few meds to find the right one
My mind feels perfectly fine.
Another appointment? Let’s change it up. A few MG’s up a few down.
Are you ready for another round
Ya, I’m down.
I hear a sound. Let’s wing it this timeIt’ll be fine, You’ll feel so much better. You might even get a little thinner.
Who knows, the sky’s the limit! That’s the ticket, keep on taking them they’ll keep on making em.
Addicting those that are weak, and seem to only seek The ones they can critique….

You’re Confident
You’re Beautiful
You’re Loving
You’re Kind
This beautiful heart that has developed
To care about individuals as much as you do
The confidence you truly found in you
I’m proud and love the woman I’ve become
It took me a long time to get here
You’re a queen
You’re a goddess
You are it
No one can take this away from you
You made it Vision
You love you
You don’t doubt yourself anymore
You believe in you
I love who you have grown into
A true Vision of Love

If i say what is on my mind
Will i be heard
Will it show on my face before my mouth says anything
If i express it
Should i
Will i regret it if i come out with it
The flashbacks are coming out
I can’t hide it anymore
It will release me
Get the burden off my shoulders
I see it still hurts me to think about
A moment where i truly felt weak and helpless
No means no right
Why did he do that
I trusted him
He was supposed to be my best friend
Stop please i said
I don’t want to do this i said
My words meant nothing
I tried to fight him
I wasn’t strong enough
He’s hurting me
As i am crying saying please stop stop
No
No
When he finished i was bleeding
He took it from me without my consent
I balled up in a ball told him to get out
Fucking Leave
The audacity to ask me if i am okay
No i am not okay
You Took advantage of me
You took something i can’t get back
I’ve never been the one to cry for help
I held it in
My emotions
My feelings
Everything
Feeling of embarrassment
How could i let it happen
I had no control
I need to scream it out
I have to Let it not anger me anymore
I have to tell my mom
So i can feel free &
Live in peace

Will it hurt as much
As it does now
Am i overreacting
Am i being dramatic
Or am i just expressing how i feel inside
Should i be penalized for feeling this way

Surviving addiction it’s an affliction calling out for an intervention
Spend my time wondering why it took a hold of me. Eyes are wide Breath is high
Time is a wasting well I’m chasing my dragon
Tag you’re it! It’s my turn already?
I can’t even, I’m not steady
On your mark get set go, GI Joe the more you know.
My name is Danielle and I can’t even tell
I’m ready to give up I’ve had enough.