That’s it!
I’m done!
It’s over!
You won!

I’m tired of fighting!
I’m tired of losing!
I’m tired of running!
I’m tired of using!

I’m sick of the lies!
I’m sick of this plug!
I’m sick of not sleeping!
I’m sick of these drugs!

Something has to give!
Something has to break!
Something has to change!
Before it’s too late!

I know I can do this,
I just have to try!
I know that it’s in me,
I don’t want to die!

I’ll do what I have to,
just tell me the way!
I need your help,
and I need it today!

If I wait til tomorrow,
I know I won’t last!
These demons inside me,
are pulling me back!

So God, if you’re there,
can you do it again?
Say “Let there be light,
inside of this man!”

You’re all that I have,
and all that I need.
So please, Lord, help me…
I’m down on my knees.

Do you think that I’m alone?
Do you think that I’m unique?
Do you think that I’m the only addict,
with a good heart underneath?
Look beyond the drugs,
the sores and the blisters…
We’re mothers, we’re fathers,
we’re brothers, and sisters.
It may be hard to see,
I know you can’t tell.
Cause I was there too,
and we hide it so well.
The addiction takes over,
and you watch them disappear.
Into another world,
like the other side of the mirror.
But there is a way out,
They can become so much more, you see!
A lesser travelled path,
That we call “Recovery”.
It’s not an easy road,
and many won’t even try.
Unless they reach the point of change,
some will use until they die.
So next time you see that junkie,
or that drunkard on the street.
Pray that they get better,
That, God they finally meet.
Because I am not alone,
and I am not unique.
I am just another junkie,
Who got back up on his feet.

I had thought that I had been through fire, but last year showed me different. On February 2nd of 2023, I received a phone call as I was on my way to the doctor to prepare for back surgery. My son’s boss called to inform me that he had been in an accident and was unresponsive. I canceled my appointment and rushes a little over an hour to where they took him. Little did I know that I was driving up on the accident as it was being cleaned up. I drove by his truck being towed off with nothing left of his truck. The semi that hit him had damage but not as much, and they survived. Falling apart driving to the hospital, and when I arrived the doctor sat us down in the family room to tell us how bad it was. He had six head fractures to his face and skull. He had broken rib that punctured his lung, broken arm that the bone came through the skin and unresponsive until the day he died. I spent 10 days by his side praying and crying, spending it mostly alone because my family had to work and watch my other kids. I refused to leave him. On the 9th, we were informed that he was brain dead and they couldn’t do anything else. They were sorry but we had to talk about letting him go. On the 10th, I came home long enough before anyone else told my kids, that I had to let their brother go the next day. I had to chase them down the highway and my oldest daughter had just found out she was pregnant. When I got back to the house, I fell to the ground and balled my eyes out. My kids had to pick me up and take me inside. When I calmed down and they calmed down, I returned to the hospital to spend one more night before taking him off the machine. On the 11th, at 10:15am they unplugged him, there was no heartbeat, no breath taken, nothing but silence and crying. No pain will ever beat the pain that I felt in those ten days. I struggle everyday fighting depression missing him. It is so hard to bare. Everyday, I have questions that no one can answer about the accident. I just pray that one day maybe the guy who received his heart, will one day let me hear it. I pray for anyone who has to deal with this pain. He was able to help 6 people with his organs that weren’t damaged. I am so proud of him and he is my hero. I miss him so much.

Black is the new poetry my dear
Authored by our ancestors so I could have a voice that is heard beyond the volume of fear
The ink has always been dark so see with your ears
Black is the new love, now let your heart hear
The strength born from blood, sweat, and tears
That grew into a sunrise of a smile, my dear
My darling I keep your Melanin near
And your beauty adds depth to my mirror
The reflection tells me weapons are forming but they will stay in the rear
Because,
My black is the sunset to my depressed anxiety to steer
A blooming future in the right direction never to veer
Toward negativity, my dear
My black is the armor that never cracked, from the roots of scars and ignored facts
My black has always got my back so even if my eyes close you will still see this color, add a period to that!
My black is a promise painted like a rainbow you’ll never grey wash my faith, peace never cracks
p.s. my black has wings that sang…

My screen is a scene of something obscene
It’s so serene I hear Myself scream I deemed it extreme
Im not to keen to dream it seems, I mean…..

Have I really been working on myself or did I just change from my work clothes to something more comfortable
Is this depression or is it just the pigment of my skin
Can I defeat you, detach from you or are you so fingerprinted to my thoughts that I’m simply running away from me
Sometimes I wish I could just escape me, myself wears a mask, and I am tired of getting dressed up just to still feel down
I’m black said my mind, I live in the shadows of sadness watching the sunlight from a distance
If only the heat from the suns smile would kiss me, maybe it would melt away my sadness
I’m black said my words, followed by you’re different, they won’t accept you, you don’t fit in
I’m black says the mirror looking at a reflection of depression
I get so lost in my waning emotions my waxing moon can barely breathe
It’s so cold that even the rays of light feel sad
I’m black, I’m depressed, I’m black, I’m oppressed, I’m black I’m obsessed with the idea of my feelings living on equal ground
I’m black, I’m depressed the two interchange while beginning to sound the same so much so I took depressions last name
When I look at me I see one broken piece
I can’t find the rest of the lyrics to my song, maybe it’s because the writer will never finish it
Maybe it’s because I didn’t cry enough to water my heart
I’m black, I’m dirt, but my soil is killing the last remaining rose
I am a rose with bloody red regrets for petals, I put my failures on a pedestal
So, every time I tried to look up it got me nowhere
I’m lost and I keep letting the grey line give me directions, because there’s a thin line between joy and happiness, and in the middle is pity where you can find me
I’m black so they think I stole these 5 minutes of happiness, and so what if I did everyone deserves 15 minutes of fame and mine is coming soon
But right now, I just want to smile and actually feel the laughter hold me instead of the facade that hugs me like a long embrace
This morning I stopped running and looked depression in the face
My mind is not yours it is the Lord’s
p.s. let the battle begin

Step side to side
Sway to our song
Your heart is the lyrics
My soul the instrumental
Hold my hand the way Jesus held the nails
Step side to side
Nerves waltz to love
No music is needed
When sacrifice becomes a verb
I’ll hold you like the space between us is trying to escape
Step side to side
A crowded ball room that only sees us
Watching movies with the sound off
Empty hands have the fullest hearts
And the cup of my rhythmic soul runneth over
p.s. don’t forget to kiss me under the waterfall chandeliers…

As a writer, I often find myself discovering scraps of writing I have jotted down somewhere, or suddenly, a line will appear in my head that doesn’t fit anywhere or doesn’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I foolishly let it fly away because it wasn’t what I was looking for at that moment. I have pondered how we do this with so many things. We set expectations and order and refuse anything that breaks the pattern, even if the thing we are shooing away isn’t harmful but is healing. We become so strict within ourselves that we become the cause of our discomfort. We search for relief in one way and refuse to accept that anything other than that specific thing will help. There is a calming effect that comes with the familiar, but only because one thing helps us, it doesn’t mean something else won’t. Here is a little silly analogy. Only because you love fries doesn’t mean you can’t like mash. It doesn’t mean mash isn’t satisfying, even if fries are your favorite. The same goes for everything in life. Are you feeling sad? Then you probably know something that can help, but if you are being entirely honest, can you say you are open-minded and open-hearted to other options? We tend to dismiss things before attempting them and convince ourselves that something else won’t work until it stands no chance. I was against exercising for so long. Told myself that I hated it and did so with such intensity I couldn’t let myself feel how I genuinely felt. There was no benefit because I refused there to be one. I was determined for it to fail, so it failed; however, when I let go, gave it a chance, and approached it with openness, I learned it does a lot for my mental health. This is one example of many. It is strange how this links with my writing and how I have started writing down the notes I would abandon before, and the results have been incredible. Instead of telling myself they are awful and brushing them out the door, I let them stay a while. I give them room in my notepad and let them ruminate.
In summary, I am saying we are terrible at giving things chances, and we should open ourselves to everything. It is okay if you give something a genuine attempt and it doesn’t work out for you, but please try it. Download the running app, try those HIIT workouts, make that recipe you’ve been unsure about, and write the poetry you are sure will suck. In celebration of this, here is an ending of a poem my brain created that doesn’t have a body yet. Hopefully, one day, it will.
“Please call back later
I’m trying to sleep off the silence
And if you don’t understand
what I’m saying
Congratulations
You’re cured.”
(If you like this letter, I write these weekly on my website. I will post more here also, so make sure we’re friends.)

When you think Happiness — What do you see ?

For me — Happiness is a lot of different things

Like finding banana bread in my car from last night

& realizing — hey cool — now I have a midday snack 😋

Happiness is noticing I put my keys on the hook

& the following day not having to run around like a chicken without a head — while I desperately look

Happiness is the days — I wake up to a clean room

& the days my son gets ready — without step by step instruction — on what he needs to do

Happiness is his comical personality —
a free in house comedian — just for mommy

He still cost me a fortune — but that’s ok
Mommy thinks he’s worth it

Happiness is arriving to my destination on time

Or watching the kids playing soccer outside

Happiness is a mani pedi night
& tik tok time with my beautiful niece

Happiness is watching lifetime movies
with my mom — (even tho they traumatize me)

— Or her guilt-fully admitting to me
she gave a stranger — a good chunk of money

Happiness looks different for everybody

Some ppl think happiness is only in the future
While others may only see it in the past

There’s been times — I’ve been both those people
but I no longer wanna be like that

I feel the sooner we learn to release the idea of happiness being anywhere but now

The sooner we unlock the chains — that have held us hostage

& blinded us from the blessings — we currently
have right now

So I look around at my now — and I think about all the things I currently have — that make me happy

& suddenly the things I don’t yet have — start to slip my mind

Not because I don’t want them anymore
but because obsessing over it — is unhealthy

So just incase I start to forget my blessings
I jot them down to revisit them

& I remind myself that happiness is not a perfect situation or timeframe

Happiness is a way of liven

So I try to be happy —
minute by minute — hour by hour — day by day
if I have to

Until happy moments
turn into happy days again

Ik it’s easier said than done
— I also struggle with it

Some situations make it hard to live happy each moment

— like a sudden loss or separation
Or being in an abusive relationship

Identity theft — sudden illnesses — You name it

But I spent a lot of years of life carrying the weight of burdens that weren’t mine to carry

Not because these things didn’t happen to me
— Because they did

But because I tried to control things that were out of my control — instead of letting go

Letting go is hard — I know

But it’s freeing 🦅

So I put my worries up on a shelf — let them worry about themselves

— & redirect my focus to something else

Like listening to my brother telling me — he successfully completed a mission

Wether I’d be — home remodeling
or that he recently replaced a transmission

I don’t understand what he says to me half the time but I’m happy to listen

Happiness is the sun setting in in front my eyes
or in my cars — rear view mirror

Happiness is — long curly hair & colored eyes
on that one stranger — who helped me heal

Happiness is my sitter & I playing rumikub
Or my sons sister finally telling me — I love you too

Happiness is watching a father interact w his son
& heal the inner child in him — that never had one

Happiness is the smile I see on my granny — while giving her a gel mani

Even more so — watching her regain her strength after amputation — & learning how to walk again w her prosthetic

Happiness is — my friends famous enchiladas
Her venting to me — all pissed off
Or us having a self care day — with an amazing massage

Happiness is a good talk with a stranger
Or a God answered prayer

At times — happiness is receiving peace
in exchange for the ones — unanswered

Happiness is changing the situation when it no longer makes you happy

Or changing your perspective on it
— if that’s not an option

Happiness is listening to
(Reckless love)

Or finding a safe place to express myself & my feelings like — theunsealed.com

Happiness sometimes means to hold on

While other times happinesss means to let go

Happiness may look different for everyone else tho

This is just some of my happiness
summarized into a short little poem 💙