I had thought that I had been through fire, but last year showed me different. On February 2nd of 2023, I received a phone call as I was on my way to the doctor to prepare for back surgery. My son’s boss called to inform me that he had been in an accident and was unresponsive. I canceled my appointment and rushes a little over an hour to where they took him. Little did I know that I was driving up on the accident as it was being cleaned up. I drove by his truck being towed off with nothing left of his truck. The semi that hit him had damage but not as much, and they survived. Falling apart driving to the hospital, and when I arrived the doctor sat us down in the family room to tell us how bad it was. He had six head fractures to his face and skull. He had broken rib that punctured his lung, broken arm that the bone came through the skin and unresponsive until the day he died. I spent 10 days by his side praying and crying, spending it mostly alone because my family had to work and watch my other kids. I refused to leave him. On the 9th, we were informed that he was brain dead and they couldn’t do anything else. They were sorry but we had to talk about letting him go. On the 10th, I came home long enough before anyone else told my kids, that I had to let their brother go the next day. I had to chase them down the highway and my oldest daughter had just found out she was pregnant. When I got back to the house, I fell to the ground and balled my eyes out. My kids had to pick me up and take me inside. When I calmed down and they calmed down, I returned to the hospital to spend one more night before taking him off the machine. On the 11th, at 10:15am they unplugged him, there was no heartbeat, no breath taken, nothing but silence and crying. No pain will ever beat the pain that I felt in those ten days. I struggle everyday fighting depression missing him. It is so hard to bare. Everyday, I have questions that no one can answer about the accident. I just pray that one day maybe the guy who received his heart, will one day let me hear it. I pray for anyone who has to deal with this pain. He was able to help 6 people with his organs that weren’t damaged. I am so proud of him and he is my hero. I miss him so much.

I am not a parent but I want to be one day today that ability to birth my own changed

In the quiet of the night, within my soul
I felt like a shattered bottle, burdened by misfortune
now fragmented on the ground
With dreams of motherhood pushed aside.

Tumors, occupants of my body
Whispering fear like a consuming fire.
My body, a battleground, weary,
Carrying the weight of lost dreams.

No gentle movements within my womb to experience
No little hands clasping mine to seal the bond.
The path to motherhood, radiant and clear
Now hidden from view.

Amidst this brokenness a flicker of light shines through
For not everything is lost despite appearances.
Though my physical form is fractured my spirit endures,
In the rubble resilience sustains.

I am more than the sum of my pieces
More than the emptiness in my heart.
In shards of glass reflections of a beginning emerge
Finding strength, in being reborn.

For family transcends blood; it is forged through connection
Love can be found in forms.
Though the route may have altered the journey continues
I will navigate through fields adorned with clover.

So I’ll gather all my fragments, one, by one,
Beneath the nurturing rays of the healing sun.
Even though I may never possess everything on my own
I’ll construct a life where love is eternally sown.

Within each shattered piece there lies a captivating tale to share
Of resilience, hope and how I stumbled into despair.
Yet I emerged more with a courages flame
Navigating lifes intricate labyrinth without any shame.

I am not merely a discarded shattered bottle left aside
Instead I’m a warrior with a stride.
In this journey, through lifes trials and tribulations
I find solace knowing that strength is born from foundations.

Dear Unsealers,

I wrote this poem for my son during a very difficult time last year when he was suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. Luckily my ex-wife and I (over-re)acted quickly and sought him counseling and medical treatment. Thankfully, today he is stable and thriving in his first year of college…but I will always be vigilant of the signs should they manifest again. I guess the moral of my take is to be vigilant of your child’s mental health and to not be afraid to go overboard with seeking professional help for them. False alarms are better than emergency sirens.

ABSOLUTELY YOU.

My infinite sadness

Is the thought of losing you

Never has a feeling

Been so absolute

Forever is a long time

To grieve, to mourn, to cry

But never do I ever

Want to say goodbye

Though life’s a little hard right now

And my happiness minute

Know absolutely nothing ever

Keeps me from loving you

I am a grateful father

More importantly, parent

Through a gift that was God sent

Delivered by a mother

Time slips by without notice

Photos to remind my soul

Of a sacrifice untold

They grow from bud to lotus

And now my grey reminds me

Of broken bones and scraped knees

Diapers, prom, college degrees

Protect them to set them free

Now I sit to reminisce

Wishing I had done better

As my heart writes this letter

Of those early years I miss

My daughter is watercolor song

A blend of oil paint, chalk, and pencil

A free-form work without a stencil

A collage of talent, pure and strong

Her beauty draws you from the start

Deep chestnut hair to aqua eyes

Her humor takes you by surprise

I know, in life, she’ll leave her mark

Her passion flows from deep inside

Her portrait, brushstrokes from her heart

And all she does, a work of art

A masterpiece that gives me pride

Relative Trees

My son is strong, a young oak tree

His leaves move gently in the breeze

His shadow calms, puts me at ease

He is the tree I wish to be

My tree is rugged, rough, and torn

Life’s left it’s mark, my bark is worn

Leaves have fallen; my shade, forlorn

I’m not the tree that I was born

My son’s long branches reach the sky

Grows and flowers as birds come by

Watch in wonder and start to cry

As he bears fruit for passersby

My roots will keep his soil intact

And block the wind upon his back

And when the Man comes with His axe

I’ll be the one that He will hack

My son’s tree will live long and free

And he will bloom majestically

My stump will keep him company

Under his shade is where I’ll be

When, oh when
did I stop smelling your head?
3 months in
and my life is already flashing
in your eyes
Oh, my little kin-
it will never be the same
as it is right now,
as it is right now

Why ask why
when I know you are the answer?
You give me reason,
so much joy
and light
Oh, sweet child-
you move me with every smile,
with every smile

Your daddy’s son-
you are the reason
I fell in love
Oh, you gentle soul-
do you even know
how you’ve rocked my world?
With the sweetest sound
I’ve ever heard,
I’ve ever heard

My little me,
may you always know
the joy you bring
Oh, how I dreamed of you,
I dreamed of you

Goodnight
to you,
my little light
Tomorrow you will light the world
You will light the world.

“Mommy,” you hear the child screaming for you as they continue to bang on the door. On the other side, the tears continue falling as you pray asking God for strength. Secretly, you hope they will eventually give up, but they don’t. Their crying only gets louder than yours. “Pull it together” you tell yourself as you look in the mirror, splash water on your face, and pull your hair pack. You finally open the door, and your child asks you “mommy why were you crying?” You reply, “mommy wasn’t crying” and just embrace them. The embrace brings comfort to you both, but inside you know it will not be long before you have another breakdown.

No one likes to talk about the challenges of parenting. Instead, we like to pretend like we have it all figured out. We are ashamed and embarrassed to admit that parenting is one of the most difficult, underappreciated, misunderstood jobs in the world. I am here to break the silence, and to speak on my challenges, and the challenges of those who have not yet (but one day will) be able to use their voice to reach an audience just like you.

How can you be emotionally available for someone when you are battling your own mental health? Having to attend to a crying, screaming child amid a panic attack is one of the hardest things to do. Or how about feeling the pressure of having to keep your child safe, but you cannot even protect yourself because you feel trapped in a violent relationship. How can you feel like you are doing “a good job” when you are on the verge of getting evicted or the lights are about to get cut off? How can you enjoy being a parent when your child has been diagnosed with a condition that consists of behavioral challenges, developmental delays, or even something life threatening? What happens when the truth whispers in your ear “you don’t enjoy being a mother.” I remember that night as if it were yesterday. I was sleeping on the porch following another episode of violence at the hands of his father. I felt like something was not right, so I went to the emergency room to find out I was pregnant. The love for our children is never the question. It is the circumstances that surround us that make it difficult to enjoy parenting.

No one likes to talk about challenges. Instead, we go on vacations, take pictures with matching outfits, and smile so no one sees through the dysfunction. Yet, none of that is real, and none of that can help someone who really needs it. My son has two more years before he graduates high school. I miss those nights when he would sneak into my bed with his million and one teddy bears. I miss him wanting to take pictures with me, and our holiday traditions. I miss the old us when it was just us. But those days are so far from me. Now, I am “bruh,” the lady who won’t stop yelling for him to take out the trash. The lady who sits in silence at the football games to ensure I do not embarrass him. He spends more time out with his friends than at home. I can only pray he makes the right decisions. But what happens when your teenage child finds every opportunity to remind you of your mistakes? What if the only person available to blame is you? How do you process angry and hurtful words? How do you forgive yourself?

How do you forgive yourself when your child is struggling with addiction, and you do not know how to help them? Or how do you forgive yourself when you continue to lose that very same battle and are unable to be what the parent they need and deserve? How do you forgive yourself when they told you they had been sexually abused but you never believed them? How do you try and raise a child to believe in God, when you lack faith yourself? How do you explain divorce to a child? How do you explain to your six-year-old child that we are moving because mommy needs a new start? How do you explain to a crying child that daddy won’t be back for months because he is helping to keep the world safe? How do you explain the death of a parent to a child?

I want you to know that I understand. I understand you on the days when it is the hardest. I understand you on the days you want to give up and on the days you feel alone. Do not give up! You are not alone. This is proof of it! There is no situation that is more difficult than the other. We are all trying to figure it out. It doesn’t matter if your child has graduated from the most prestigious college or has the most successful career. No parent is perfect, and we have all made mistakes along the way. I am here to tell you that it is okay. You are doing the best you can, with what you have (which just maybe you.) Please be gentle and kind to one another. Do not remind each other of past mistakes. Instead embrace one another. Share resources and words of encouragement. Pray for one another and create safe spaces to share the truths about the challenges of parenting. It takes a village to raise a child. I pray we all find our village of people who are willing to be there without casting judgement. Someone who will say “how can I help?” At different stages, our children require different things from us, and as they grow, we grow with them. May love forever bloom between you and your children.

I loved you before you saw me, before our eyes locked, when we shared a heartbeat. I dreamed of you. I imagined what you would look like when I held you in my arms for the first time. I never realized that I would have to break our bond so that you could thrive.
You see, I had a monster that followed me. He broke my heart and he broke my bones.
My spirit was the last to go when he attacked my beautiful dreams of raising you with your brothers and sister. The very thought of the monster finding us, and involving you, drove a sword deep into my chest and pierced my heart. Your innocence had to be protected. I searched my soul and found you a promising Mother and Father.
I knew they would protect you, that they would teach you to be the best man there ever is/ was. I trusted them to love you, and to honor our precious bond. Things turned out so terribly wrong for me. I’m deeply grateful that everything is amazing for you. Except that my heart broke into a thousand mini pieces the day that I had to say goodbye to you. In the rain, as they wheeled me out of the hospital holding your car seat so close to my heart your beautiful eyes locked onto mine. I felt so ashamed. I loved you so much my beautiful Son. I handed you over to your the wonderful man that was to become your Father. I believe in that moment, I felt my heart snap. You started to cry, and suddenly everything I thought I was doing that was right felt so terribly wrong. I think that it was the breaking of what had been our bond. I never saw you again. They had to move far away, and they told me that they would let me be a part of your life, but you still do not know me. I only receive pictures of you on Christmas, and sometimes your birthday. I never quite understood how a heart could be broken by a situation, yet coming to a realization of the situation being a blessing in disguise would make it whole again.
That will make no sense at all to many, all that matters is that I know what I am saying. It’s not an “adoption” they are your guardians, yet they are your Mother, and Father to me. However; You are still my Son too. I don’t want to confuse you so I stay far away. I open your pictures when I receive them, and I pray. I hope that one day, you will understand that they needed you, and WE needed them. I am kind of your mother, I love you more that you will ever know. I just hope our bond is strong enough that you will not be harmed by my decision to give you the world while mine was quaking and crumbling with fear and unstableness. They gave you everything that I could not. I love you…

Never in a million years would I have ever thought it would be YOU.
To bring my heart so much pain like throwing salt on an open wound
You were my why and one of the most special gifts from God that I truly admired.
Wanting the best life for you gave me reason to work harder.
I wanted to be the mother to you that I always longed for and
what was once a blessing now seems like a curse
Oh, how I never thought the tables would turn.
Though I will always love you my heart resembles a broken glass and
Though pain and disappointment has cut me so deep
I just cover it up with a mask.
How could you say you love me yet cause me so much pain
I’m constantly worried and praying for you.
while you’re out without a care in the world dancing in the rain
When you sit back and reflect on your life
All of your happiest moments were due to MY sacrifice.
Now I’m lucky if you would even consider my advice
You have transformed from my baby, my first love
To a person that’s intentionally toxic in my life and
As I try to figure out what caused this change I have yet to figure out why
But as much as you have hurt me
I cant find it in my heart not to love you
Just know my objective was always to the best mom I could ever be to you
But with the results I see I count it as a mission failed
But I know God can change anything.
So in the meantime, I’m waiting for him to prevail.

Parenting reveals a love in you that you never knew exist. Thats the real definition of love at first sight sealed with a gentle kiss. You have this new human that soley belongs to you now you can finally put a face to them kickball kicks you felt in your womb. Everything changes in a instant and you are officially titled a mom, and the weight that comes with this title automatically mentally mentions that you are STRONG. But may I full warn you that you have a long road ahead and there are many things you will experience especially when you are not prepared. Its levels to this parenting process that you will surely go through, but every child is different so best wishes to you. No matter what you must keep the faith and don’t give up because abandonment is not a option no matter how many nerves they grow up and pluck. Its attending games, recitals and graduations and planning birthdays and sleepovers that make the life of parenting feel so rewarding. Not to mention if you are a respected example as a parent they may inquire for your advice and opinion and even share the issues of their heart and their deepest dark secrets. Parenting is trial and error but it’s a mandatory assignment to LOVE. Remember love is a action word and a valid license to serve. Parenting produces memories and is also designed to introduce good habits and sometimes the pointers that you may get from books and pamphlets don’t always make you a great parent. Its dedication mixed with prayer and bullet proof patience and a community of support that’s willing to listen in a conversation and not sit in the judgment seat like there mirrors are windex clean but remind you that you are not alone because we stand as a team. So parenting is a community full of experiences and advice so welcome aboard and buckle up for the ride.

Dear precious daughter,

I am writing this letter to you with a heavy heart, as I never got the chance to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. You were taken away from us too soon, and it has been a source of immense pain for me and your mother ever since.

I want to apologize to you for not being there for your mother after we lost you. I was in so much pain and felt so helpless that I didn’t know how to be there for her. I thought it was the right thing to do to distance myself from the situation, but looking back, I know that it only made things worse.

My inability to be there for your mother during that time caused a rift in our relationship that led to the eventual breakdown of our marriage. I know that I bear some responsibility for this, and it’s something that I have been carrying with me for a long time.

Losing you left a void in my life that nothing could ever fill. It felt like a part of me had been taken away, and I was unable to find any relief from the pain. But then, one day, you came to me in a dream, and it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

You let me know that you are with me, even though I can’t hold you in my arms. You are here for me in my heart and my soul, and that has brought me some measure of comfort over the years. I still cry for you, thinking about how I wasn’t there for you and your mother when we needed each other the most.

I want you to know that you are loved and missed every day. I know that I can never make up for the pain that I caused, but I promise to honor your memory and carry you with me always.

Love always,
Your Father