Dear God,

It’s internally overwhelming dealing with death. It’s like going out to dinner with 7 people at a table. You’re all aughing, smiling, enjoying that meal because it’s filled with love and it’s seasoned well. Your meal is over and it’s time to go back home, but then one of you don’t get back in the car. Your family is in the car and you watch the other family member stand outside the car. You wave to them and you become sad. It’s now 6 of you in the car driving back home in silence and confusion. You have to put that key in the door, open it and go up to that room where that person is no longer coming home to get in that bed. “Is this real?”

Reality hits and now you are sad. You’re crying, hyperventilating, and your brain is racing. You ask yourself “What just happened?” “Wait, wait, did I just leave my loved one at the restaurant and watch them walk off into the fog? “Maybe, I was dreaming?” You realized that you’re not. “Are they ever coming back?” “Who told tthem to go off into the fog like that?” You grab your phone to call them and hope they will pick up. RING…. RING….RING.. RING…

You hear something, as if someone picked up… “You have reached the voicemail of Pablo Joshua, please leave a message after the tone” “Dad, dad, are you there?” …BEEEEP…….. “Dad, please pick up, it’s me, Janet”. “Dad, can you hear me?” Then……Cancer, he answers. “No, your father is not here anymore, but you can speak to him at anytime”……silence…… more silence… more hyperventilating…..more heartache.. tears fall profusively…

“Hello, cancer, you really took him? Cancer, you son of a bitch! “

You really took him away from me, away from all of us??”…Who invited you into our lives?”.

You grab your chest because you can’t breathe. You even think, “maybe I should go back to that restaurant and join him in the fog”.

No, you can’t do that!

Its’s morning. I hear calypso music playing. The sun is up. I just don’t smell Johnny Cakes. I wish I did.

My dad is in my house and I see him everyday. I hear his voice, his fingers snapping, and his feet tapping to Hall & Oates.

(Music playing…lyrics are in tune)….
“You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far
cause you know it don’t matter anyway…
You can rely on the old man’s money..
You can rely on the old man’s money..”

I walk down my steps and I see him. I smile. “Look at him, having a ball”, feeling the music in his soul. His eyes are closed and he is smiling. I see it. Look, at him. It’s my youngest son. His face is just like his. His soul is just like his. It’s beautiful to see. He’s my fathers twin.

I go down another flight of stairs and look at my dad, laughing and talking on the phone. Its my dads laugh so distinctively. It’s my oldest son. He’s my dads other twin.

I’m out at a restaurant and it’s music playing. I hear my dad speaking and playing his favorite tunes. I stop short, look up and smile. It’s him. There he is, being an amazing DJ that he loves to be. The voice on the mic and that’s Pablo’s voice. It’s, my brothers voice. He is such a great DJ, just like my dad. He makes his sets and send them out to people so they can enjoy and feel the love for music just like he taught us.

Wait! Just wait a minute, look at my dad out there on the dance floor. He loves two stepping to the music. I hear Anita Baker, Kenny G, and calypso king, Arrow. You can tell he feels the music with every step he takes. It’s My little brother and he is out dancing and smiling on the dance floor, just like my dad.

I hear sports playing, it’s loud. I use to wish he would turn that down. I hear the commentary. He’s watching sports. and now he’s broadcasting live from the station. Who would have thought that Dad? I know you are so proud of your baby boy. My youngest brother is the sportscaster. He is my dads other twin.

I see and hear my dad all the time. I’m blessed. I’m grateful. He lives in me everyday, he lives in my sons and my brothers.

God, my father taught me all about music.
He lived and breathed music. All genres!

What more could I ask for? God, his spirit is never leaving my house. You were right. I want to thank you God. I want to thank you for taking my dad and putting his soul at peace. As much as I said, I wish he was here for this or that… he is., and he multiplied.

Thank you!
Love Tiny!

P.S., please let my dad know, that I miss him and his legacy of music and sports will live on forever.

Wait, I can just tell him myself.
Good night!

Rest in peace to my dad, Pablo E Joshua 1/25/48 to 4/16/18

Eyes open and there’s my smile.
I’m alive and I made it.
Lord, thank you for seeing me through.
12 more months to create internal joy and more self love.
I’m doing that!

Is that the sun shining ?
Sure as hell is, and it’s 2024.
Clap clap because, It’s about to go down.
12 more months to create financial abundance.
Im doing that!

Alexa play Anita Baker, You Bring Me Joy!
Who is that dancing in the window?
It’s me, because I bring me joy.
12 more months to create that solo dance performance.
Im doing that!

Shit!
Your son is getting married in 4months.
You heard me, 4 months!
Weight Watchers app, can I get a clap
Clap?
4 more months to look extra good and 8 more months to feel like I’m Hollywood!
I’m doing that!

The journal is open to create more stories.
Traveling more to see what else is in store.
You wrote a story from the heart in 15 minutes and won that contest.
Shut up! Who did that?
12 more months to dedicate time to writing, reading and expressing.
Yes, you!
I’m doing that!

Don’t you think you’re doing a lot?
What?? One son overcame his panic attacks , stuttering and is 29 , a plumber and getting married.
The other son overcame having seizures and couldn’t talk for almost a year and has graduated music school and has an internship as an audio engineer.
Dam right Im doing a lot, cause im doing all of that!

Wow! You’re a mom now, and you’re 18 years old. Who would have thought that?

You just left high school and now you’re getting ready to be a mom. How is that even possible?

When you’re in high school, you have dreams of who you want to become as an adult. Being a mother at 18 wasn’t the plan.

July 30, 1994, your first son was born. February 15, 2002, your second son was born. Two sons and they are both great bundles of joy.

The day comes and your son decided to get married. He gets engaged and you’re so happy for him. Celebrating your child being engaged is totally different than actually seeing them get married.

Your son planned a wedding for May 2024, and decided last minute that he will have a small ceremony in City Hall beforehand. He calls to tell you he is getting married a little early.

Wow! Is this really happening? Your son is getting married. Your baby. He’s getting married in 2023. Right now? Today? No way!

Watching your child grow for 25 years and then seeing him carry his dresser out into a moving truck to go on his own. The tears roll down your face. You wipe it with pride. You’re okay.

The day comes and now he is walking down the aisle of City Hall to get married. The tears start to roll down your face again. Your son growing from a baby to a man in front of you daily, is the best feeling ever. Tears of joy is inevitable.

He holds his soon to be wife’s hand, and begins to say his vows. You’re looking and saying to yourself, “this is it; He’s all grown up. He is not a baby anymore. How?”

He looks at her and says “I do”. Tears roll down again. It’s all joy!

He’s married. He’s a man. He’s on his own.
It’s now Mr. & Mrs. This is the best day of my year.

You have nothing to worry about because he’s an amazing man, mature, loveable, ambitious, and resilient. Maybe you can put the mom
guard down just a tiny bit. Relax your shoulders. Release!

Moms, I want you to know that motherhood is ups and downs. It’s not always going to be oxtails smothered in gravy with rice and beans. But it will be delicious. Just make sure you have a tall glass of liquid to wash it down with.

He’s married. He’s happy. He’s smiling.

One of the biggest joys ever. I love you!

This is the best day ever! Congratulations Mr. & Mrs.