I was eighteen in my public speaking class, introducing myself as a lioness with a shake in my throat.
She reminded me of my own strength when I needed her most:
When I was dissociating away from my high school relationship,
And dissociating into the arms of an abusive one.
When with ferocious presence I left, and I rebuilt.

When Roe v. Wade overturned and I’m on the phone with a man
He rants about how many women must be so angry,
But doesn’t hear how it made me feel.
When he tells me I’m just like my mother like that’s a bad thing,
With the lioness by my side, I left, and I rebuilt.

With the flesh of my former self between my teeth,
I destroyed and built again.
With the pain of my foremothers suffocated under my paws,
I destroyed and built again.
With screams and aches and roars I didn’t know I had buried,
I destroyed and built again and destroyed and built again.

The blood of self-love drips from my jaw.
The lioness and I are side by side and we are one.
We have found safety at last.

Hey, Oz:

I know it’s been a rough start to 2024. The health issues with both parents carried over from 2023. The skies above have been cloudy and gray for so many days. And since the end of the holidays, the days feel the same. Wake up, go to work and go to sleep.

Add to that, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Which tends to add on an extra layer to the sense of doom and gloom already being felt.

But I’m here to remind you, you’re not nothing. You light up in the world in so many ways.

Whether it be your beaming smile in the most candid of moments. The words that you put out that offer hope, even during the most difficult of days. Or, being as relentlessly positive for everyone in your life. The presence you carry each day resonates with other people.

I totally get it. As much as you appreciate everyone’s kind words, it tends not to stick around for very long.

This is your inner voice saying that you matter. You always have and always will.

Now, go forth and be the light that you wish to see in the world!

I unapologetically love me unconditionally
I apologize to my past selves for doing it indiscriminately
In order to be my best self would mean I am elated
It took a while and I’m proud to say it’s been reinstated
I do what makes me happy especially my inner child
She’s is so over the moon that her little heart smiles
She loves to color, sing and dance like no one is watching
It’s the growning soul and the little soul that are interlocking
She’s making all versions of her past self morph into her best self
Her happiness is her version of a prosperous wealth
Self love is psychological, spiritual growth and physical
With a proportional rainfall strictly biblical
It’s my definition and my own version
I am uniquely my own person
Thank you, God, for all that you have done for me and my family
I only got one life, and I want to do it right by being happy
No one can do me better than me. My only competition is me
My lessons are mine to learn only I would know
The path it took to get here and I’m not done though
I learn daily and I don’t claim to be perfect because I am human
I have to remind myself that life is a classroom
I’m not afraid of the lessons I let them pass through
I owe it to my heaven sent angel and angel who fluttered with his wings
You both are my life and light and also are my kings
It’s because of you I unapologetically love me unconditionally

I have spent most of my life trying to learn how to love myself.
After leaving an abusive relationship in January of 2001 I was a complete mess. I was a single mother of three little ones that needed me to pull through. There you will find your strength. Someone, somewhere, still loves you. Deep into your core. Do not be afraid to be who you are, because YOU are love.
I started to write poetry.
One lonely night, after my kids were in bed, I started to reflect. The darkness seemed to slowly fade away, and the following words flowed freely, and opened up my closed heart.
I felt compelled to share it with The Unsealed family. Here goes my heart.
Someone, somewhere out there loves you. They love you for who you are, and they love you for your heart. They love you for everything that you stand for, and that you believe in. They do not hurt you, but encourage you to follow your dreams. They will not tear you down, but will wipe away the tears. when you are too weak from crying, they will hold you. When you feel as if your heart is breaking, and you do not think that you can go on, there, you will find your inner strength. Your power, your truth. do not ever be afraid, to be who you truly are. YOU are loved by you.
You will embrace the changes, the struggles and those pains. Please, don’t you ever feel like you need to change to be loved. Love is who you are.
Your road has been hard. It has been paved with loneliness.
If being lonely is what it takes to find YOU again, then let it be. Don’t be afraid to travel this world alone. take time to observe all of humanity.
You have found that we are all different on the outside, but we all bleed the same. Broken people will hurt you often due to their own pains. You will learn to spot them. Careful who you let in. Do not be cold, that is not who you are. Expand love within.
When all is said and done, you will find that you have walked many journeys in solitude. Alone. You have learned that people, are people, they trip up just like you. You have learned that holding onto bitterness, and anger is a huge mistake. It will only hurt you. Knowing that you are unstoppable. You keep moving on. At the end of the road, you will find that someone, somewhere, has been with you through the battles and that they have loved you all along…

I wrote these words the night that I found myself again. When I realized that all I needed to do was to love myself. It is still an every day battle at times, but I love the woman that I have become. Thank you for reading. I hope that it makes a bit of sense to someone.

My love;
I’m sorry for never seeing you
For constantly gas lighting.
Every time you tried to speak;
I silenced you like suppression.
You cried while I turned my back
I couldn’t even stand to see your reflection.
“LOOK AT ME!”
With salt stained cheeks and blood shot eyes
I finally see that its been you,
Staring back at me.
This beautiful, kind hearted piece of art;
Your strip wrapped breast & thighs, your tattoos
Tell me stories of your journey thus far.
Your mind is magnificently filled with knowledge; to mend the wounded.
I’m excited to finally fall completely in love with you
After all these foolish, wasteful, distasteful years.
Always yours; Forever mine
-Me

It’s easy — isn’t it
To look back on our life & remember all the worst
All the worst times of our life that always seem to come first

Like the first time — I experienced racism
The first time — I experienced bullying

The first time — my love was used against me
Or the first time — my heart was broken

There was a lot of first of “THE WORST”
But likewise — there were many first of the best

Like the first time — I got the job I really wanted
Or the first time — I graduated

Or the time I won my first real fight with ease
Or the first time a family member came home from jail surprising me

There’s been a lot of good moments
but I seem to have forgotten a lot of them

I’m doing my best now — to live in the present moment
—To soak it all in

Cause I know there is so much to be grateful for
—There’s always been

Like my mom choosing peace & safety over toxicity — for her children

No matter what — she never let fear stop her

She was unbelievable
She was unstoppable

She did the best she could with the hand she was dealt

Like getting that job that not only paid the bills
but also provided us with a warm free house

Or that one time she pointed out to her lawyer — how she was wrong

That was only one of the many steps she took — to obtain our freedom

I still remember the first time she met my little boyfriend

She offered to give us some money
—then suggested we go to Barnes & Noble
to drink some coffee

At the time it was so embarrassing—
But looking back now— She’s so funny
We were like 14 — Not 40

I still remember — I tried to avoid repeating history
but somehow history didn’t escape me

One day — I had to text my mom discreetly
I asked her to please come save me

I won’t go into detail — but that day she rescued me from hell

I remember the times my brother and I would go skating

Or this one time we decided to try out this game — where he had to try to make me pass out

& it actually worked — he did

Except I think he thought he killed me
I don’t know — but that shit is funny

Some of them were good memories
& some were bittersweet

I wish I could remember them all
but disassociation got the best of me

So here’s a few more that easily come to mind

Like when my first love never made me feel pressured
— Simply loved

Or when my second one spoke a prayer over me
That felt majestic & empowering
— Like freedom

Or when my friends and I thought we were cute — walking around the east side

Just waiting on the cute boys to drive by and say hi

Haha— those sure were the good times.

Then there was that time an important figure in my life somehow ended up in jail
Managed to post bail & still make it back in time to my baby shower

Or when that amazing teacher who quickly became family
Went out of her way to pick me up for school daily

Or when another amazing teacher who often went above and beyond

Was touched by some writing assignment I did
& surprised me with an unexpected gift

So yeah—

It is easy to remember all the worst — but there is also so much to be grateful for

I’m grateful for every glimpse of heaven I’ve ever received

I’m grateful for a badass mom & her vision to always
Push forward & succeed

I’m grateful for the village that helped raise me

I’m grateful for any friend who served a purpose in my life
Even if at some point — our lives no longer aligned

I’m still grateful for the good times & the memories left behind

I’m grateful for the short-lived respect & pure love I received —from my first love
My impossible baby

I’m grateful for the amazing son — my second one gave me

There is so much more to be grateful for
even from all the worst that were followed by the best

Or I don’t know — maybe fue al revés

Either way— I thank you God — My best friend

May I always be able to shine the light on the better side of perspective

May I continue to be able to see all the good that still lives within the broken world we currently live in

May we not only see the trauma we’ve endured through our struggling

But the perseverance & resilience we received simultaneously

So for both the good & the bad

I gotta be grateful for it all — and I am

Dear Gerald,

Loving yourself
is like putting a warm blanket
to shield me from the brutal cold
that’s eager to enter my place
and take over my space

but my increased self-love
from above
inside my mind
reminds me
to protect the warmth
I have inside my vessel
and keep my heart alive
from those who wish harm and hate
to crush my mental state
and conquer me

like a conqueror wanting new land
to bring his/her band
to rule in sinister ways
and cause darker days
for the conquered

self-love
is a must for us all
to stand tall
in the face of adversity 
that will persist to threaten our peace
and try to cease
the love 
that we worked hard to keep
for ourselves 
and show others the way
to love themselves all-day

self-love is a non-stop process
that we must maintain to have success
in loving ourselves 
 On your self-love journey
I wish you well
so that you can have a self-love story to tell

Thinking about my goals for the new year makes me crouch in my seat when I should sit up straight proud because I got there

my brain BURSTS mulling over ANY AND EVERY GOAL so I take this time to look at them as a WHOLE

What do I have to do to complete this puzzle piece that is comprised of EVERY SINGLE GOAL

Being CONFIDENT and PROUD of what I have done should give me all the reason to continue to strive for SUCCESS this season

There is truly no reason why 2024 can NOT be a BREAKTHROUGH season

As I invision proceeding and SUCCEEDING in life the reason I haven’t had my break through moment is easy

My potential is like the AIR you can NEVER have too much to spare

I don’t dare to prepare to jump into the limit-LESS air BUT I am AFRAID of that STARE or smile that will inevitably be there (at least according to ME) to COMPARE

If I dare to run the race that is LIFE and I WIN I will FOREVER WONDER if crossing that finish line FIRST was FAIR

I think about EVERYONE ELSE who CAN be there

Most certainly the guy with the limp is NOT supposed to be there (or so MYSELF thinks)

But I tell myself if I do NOT run the race (LIFE) like I BELONG it will only be UN-used air and WASTED air just means in the end I did NOT care and I MYSELF CARE

So in 2024 I DARE to jump INTO MY limit-LESS AIR!

Dear Universe,

Here we are at the start of a new year again, and we all know what that means. The annual ritual of donning a mask of optimism and acting as if our lives are going to go through some dramatic change just because the calendar changes. Every year, I hear the cliched cries, “New year, new you!” And every year, I have to scoff and roll my eyes. Realistically speaking, how many New Year’s resolutions become reality? How many people can look back at the end of any given year and say they’re a different, better person than when the year started? A lucky few, maybe. Others look back on the year with little more than dashed hopes and disappointment.

There was a time when I bought into the “New year, new you” hype like everyone else. Twenty years ago, I thought, This is going to be my year! I had goals of making straight As, losing weight, finding a boyfriend, and being popular. I had longer-term goals of getting my drivers license, graduating with honors, attending college and eventually law school, finding a high-paying job, and starting a family. None of those things ever happened for me, While some failures were of my own doing, many more were due to circumstances beyond my control. Being aromantic-asexual killed my chances of dating or starting a family, and having a rare disease killed my chances of doing everything else on my past goals list.

As much as we want to believe our lives will get better, sometimes the world deals you a bad hand that can’t be changed, no matter the amount of hard work or positive thinking. I, of all people, know how life has a way of derailing expectations, and even on the rare occasion that I do achieve a goal I’ve set for myself, not much changes. Last year, I lost 45 lbs, which combined with the 65 lbs I lost in 2022 makes 110 lbs lost in the past two years, but I’m still fat. Last year, I earned $300 with my writings, but I’m still financially struggling. I’m tired of setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment by hoping for improvement year after year, so I won’t be making any lofty goals for 2024, such as getting a new job or starting a family. Those things are about as likely to happen as pigs flying, and I refuse to lie to myself and others in the name of optimism.

Not only will I not be making big goals for myself, I won’t be making any goals for myself at all in 2024. This year, my goals are to help others. My list of 2024 goals is as follows:

1. Raise money to help my friends who are struggling. One of my friends is stuck with thousands of dollars in hospital bills; another friend has roof damage from a recent snowstorm. Both are financially struggling just as much, if not more than me, and I don’t want them to have to go without food or utilities because life was unkind to them.

2. Participate in at least 1 Facebook fundraiser monthly. I periodically participate in Facebook fundraisers, such as “Walk X miles a month” or “Read X amount of minutes a day” for various charities. Although I haven’t had much success raising money yet, these challenges help me keep up with my fitness and reading goals and help other people with disabilities get the services they need.

3. Lose 50 – 70 lbs this year. I started my weightloss journey two years ago because of my mentor. Along the way, I’ve lost 110 lbs and gained new friends. While I don’t want to set unrealistic goals and be disappointed in myself at the end of the year, I owe it to my mentor and friends to keep up with my weight loss until I reach my goal weight.

4. Study under my mentor, and put that knowledge to good use. My mentor is hosting a cruise in March, not a “just for fun” cruise but a study cruise. It’s 6 days’ worth of classes on communication and marketing, which I hope will help me earn more money.

5. Earn at least $500 with my art and writing. My disability prevents me from working a traditional job, so my opportunities for earning money are limited. I rely on my artistic talents to make money but still need more coming in to achieve my goals.

All of which brings me to my most important goal for 2024, get back to New York this December for my mentor’s Christmas concert. My mentor came into my life at its darkest point and is one of the few people to believe in me, despite my many shortcomings. I owe it to him to show up each year and to strive for the goals on this list, so that his faith in me won’t be in vain. Although I can’t hold out hope for my own betterment, I can hope that others’ lives may be better because of me.