Title: Windows to Heaven
Author: Kai Silvera
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Have you ever looked into the eyes of a baby?
It’s like looking through the windows to heaven,
free and immune from anything dark.
I stare into my son’s eyes as he latches onto me.

Dinner is done.
I’ve wrapped a plate in the fridge.
I don’t recall leaving a little note this time.
My son continues to feed,
when suddenly the house gets tense,
like it could sense the next thing coming.
He storms in, ignoring my attempt to casually say:
“Hey, how was your day?”.

He walks past the tiny kitchen
into the living room,
and without a single word exchanged,
I could tell how far gone he was.
His hand touches my cheek
in the way your mother warns you about.
The kind of touch that stings
and sends your head in the opposite direction
of your feet.

I stand still,
stare back
into those beautiful windows to heaven
and try to make my next move strategic,
as if such a thing is possible in a cloud of rage.
You find yourself reassuring him that you’re just
“going into the bedroom to finish feeding the baby”.

He follows,
and you try to diffuse the situation,
but he has no windows to heaven.
Instead he has dark tunnels now,
that fuel the demons in which his tortured soul battles with every day.

And just as you pray for the storm to settle,
the room becomes smaller and smaller
with objects flying all around.
Gravity seems to slow down,
and you ask yourself: “how in the world did I get here?”

You think of those stories about moms
lifting the car to save their child,
and you stretch your five foot frame
as wide as humanly possible
to shield your angel from the dark.
The dark you never saw coming,
The dark you run from, weeks later,
when he’s at work.

You pack two black garbage bags
worth of clothes,
one for you
and one for the kids.
You travel just shy of a 100 miles
to a foreign town
with familiar, loving faces
and start over.
You take on a new life.
You take back the reins.
You feed your babies
so much love
to make up for any void.
You show them it’s okay
to reinvent yourself,
to save yourself,
to start over,
again and again,
as long as it takes you closer
to where you belong.

You make a home built on love,
a place where the windows to heaven
are never closed,
only enlightened and encouraged
to continue spreading the light.

Photo context:
Immediately after writing this today, I drove to get my daughter from school and this was the view. Felt symbolic, affirming.

Thank you for your consideration. This piece came to me within 20 minutes – apparently it needed to be released on the page. Thank you for letting me share the most vulnerable time of my life with you. Grateful for this new chapter.

All the best,
Kai