I walked to life in a dark cloud not caring,
Taking roads that lead to of hurt and being daring.
So many times wondering why my life kept turning up bad,
Thinking is this all there is and why I’m so sad.
No one to help me not even friends or family,
Looking for a hand, looking for a chance to pull up out of this clamity.
I’ve been down so long out on the streets of cold,
Time is racing by and in a blink of an eye I am old.
I’ve been lost for so long feeling like there is no end in sight,
I want to be found in the eyes of someone before I take flight.
Then one day I stopped for just a moment and quiet came over me,
I was finally found by the one who was always there,
So I was never really lost, just needed to see who actually cared.

Heaven has gain another angel….

A few months ago, Mitsu was diagnosed with anemia, which resulted in a low count of white and red blood cells. He was prescribed medicine to take every day to help his blood cells function properly, and it worked for a short period of time. However, a new diagnosis was given on May 2nd, 2024, when he was found to be suffering from cancer, kidney failure, and a high temperature. Unfortunately, the doctor informed us that there is nothing more they can do to help him. My family and I are taking care of him every day, feeding him through a tube since he has lost the ability to eat and drink water. We are doing everything in our power to help him, spending as much time with him as we can. He is a fighter and has been holding on for almost a week now. May 5th,2024 at 5:00 pm my baby has passed away and joined GOD I’m happy you’re in a better place and not suffering anymore inshallah we will meet again meri jaan. We will miss you, you may not be here physically but emotionally and mentally you are. May Allah bless you always my baby we love you. You were treated by the best doctors I know because the minute they saw you they got ready to put ultrasound, heartbeat mintor in 2.5 seconds they knew tried their best to save you. Me and your grandma were willingly to pay whatever amount to give you the best treatment but you picked your head up and called out mama whenever we were talking to the doctors you knew it your time. Heart beat going up and down and temperature going higher, lower and then GOD called you, me and your grandma screamed I’m sure you heard our screams and cries saying, “not him not now,” I told you to let go whispered in your ear who knew you listened and let go. The doctors took you to another room and we saw tears coming out your eyes and the door opening up wide we knew you were leaving. The house will be empty without your meows. Me and our family will miss you babyboy youll always be our baby and never replaced by another. Your ashes will be here with us forever. I’ll always remember you calling out mama, following me to the bathroom always, bumping your head on my hand for cuddles, always stealing food. Your bird and fish siblings will miss you too, tell mitu your bird sister hello for me tell her even after many years I still miss her your my baby always and forever my black cat. Your cat siblings annie, milo, selena have lost their brother but promise me to look out for them from up in the clouds, stars, sun, moon never stop looking after us either we will miss you meri jaan always and forever never ever forgotten. Hope you visit in my dreams and thoughts always. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, meows, you cured so much in our household anxiety, depression, sadness you made it all happy who knew cats were a miracle and my black cat was our lucky clover. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take care of you and giving you all the love and care and even after your gone ill still be your cat mom. O Allah, ease upon him his matters, and make light for him whatever comes hereafter, and honor him with your meeting and make that which he has gone to better than that which he came out from.

Bismillah

May Jannah be a safe place for you

Oh hi grief, we meet again and this time I am not fine. I was hoping that was the last time we would meet but once again I find myself counting down the time

Like the silent second hand of a watch everything feels numb
I can’t believe I’m here again but this time I don’t feel as dumb

Optimism use to shine bright like the sun reflecting off the waves but now I will have to sit alone- can I even be that brave

How can I even push through this horrendous season when last time you were the one who led
I guess I’ll have to hold my own hand and remember everything you said

Trying to feel the feels and maintain life for a while will be tough
I don’t want to do life without you- like omg why is life so rough

In the worst times of life you were my support and now this hardest time of all is coming and I feel all out of sorts

We have talked about our dreams and plans and never thought we’d have to go at them alone but one day I’ll be here with no other voice on the phone

You taught me to stand on my own and always look ahead and I’m so thankful for that because I am where I am today because of all the things you said

You pushed me, challenged me and always had my back and when things got crazy you helped me get back on track

I guess I’ll pack your things away to keep them safe and tight
All the while with tears streaming wishing you were here still in the fight

Hellos to all my name is Sara, I have loved writing since I was a child, I really had a lot of desire for writing it was and is such a great outlet I really enjoyed it, as i got older I chose to go down a troubled road and now at the age of 35 I am beginning to find myself as a women as a mother as a daughter a partner and friend. I saw this group on Facebook and knew it would help me grow.

Dearest Readers…This is a fictional story. Any and all characters in this story are purely fictional. Any and all relations to real people is unintended. I hope you enjoy!

I thought I heard music coming from the door. But, I knew better than to go in because he always told me not to. “That’s not a place for little children. Only me and mommy.” There was a certain feeling coming from the door pulling me to it. But I never went in. Until that day.
I had come home from school and my mom was already at work. My dad was home but in the garage where he mainly worked on his off days. I go to the garage to tell him I was home but, he wasn’t there. I looked around the house and found my mom’s purse and phone on the table. I heard music and followed it to the door. “That’s not a place for little children.” My father’s voice echoed in my head but, I wasn’t a child anymore. I opened the door and a blinding light shielded my vision. I kept hearing my name and I went toward the voice. “Rhyla? Can you hear me?” I slowly nodded my head. “Where am I?” The woman sighed and had a smile on her face. “Welcome back. You are in the hospital. You’ve been here for several months. He had a tight hold on you this time didn’t he?”

This story is inspired by those who struggle with mental health each and every day. I am glad you are still here! You have friends and family who love you and people willing to help you feel like yourself again!

It’s hard to think that just 5 years ago my mom ended her own life. Through years of battling addiction and struggling with mental health she could no longer take the pain of grasping another breath. It’s hard to look back with love when all I want to do is hate her. Pain, she caused me nothing but pain in her last years and those seem to be the most prominent memories in my mind. The joyful smile of a young girl with her loving mother is just a distant memory I’m never able to hold. Always screaming, when wasn’t she screaming, she fought demons in her mind and let them devour me with her. Abuse, fearing to see my next day, fearing death by the hands of my own mother. I still hear the echos of her voice telling me I was worthless to her something she wish she’d never had to look at, someone she’d never created. Red, shards of glass scattered across the floor, they were aimed for my head. She aimed them to hurt me. Remorse, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t mean it I promise I swear I could never hurt you. Lies, it was always a lie. Fear, pain, loss, hurt, yet so much empathy for the women who was hurt, the women who was once a little girl who was hurt so badly it changed her brain. A little girl who dreamed of growing up, a girl with aspirations and dreams, a girl who had a whole happy life ahead of her and saw no darkness in the world, a girl that was once just like me. How could I hate someone who I understand so deeply. Never will I agree with what the past holds but never will I hold the past against you. You were my mother, you were supposed to watch me grow and live a long life, but I understand the battle you faced in your mind everyday and I see how strong you were for holding on all those years.

I need you, I’m scared
The man who I thought was my father
Was only my Dad.
I knew too-right from wrong
But God is my Father,
And He is strong!
He’s not like my Dad though,
Yet, some similarities you know?
How is your Mom?
Is she still alive?
I wish to your place again
I could run and hide.
As kids and friends
Billy I was already perverted
Some scary stranger…
Wrecked my life.
And then he laughed about it
40 years later
How’s that a joke?
I don’t know.
But I’m better now,
I’m a child of the King!
And in 4 trillion more years…
I’ll still be!
Like prejudiced people used to say in school,
Calling some a wanna’ be
Except my wants changed.
I want to be a man of God,
I want to be good
I sure wish I could.
But I’m gonna try to learn how!
I miss you so bad
You were the first best friend I had.
My best friend now-since “1996”
Is the coolest!
His name is Mike
He’s from Cleveland
I’ve even prayed and cried over him.
I want him to go to heaven!
You better be there when I get home,
I want you to meet him.
I wish I had not
Brought you smoke.
I want to be buried under it.
You were like an exception
Dad would let me out.
He must had liked you too.
Sometimes I think
I haven’t changed much inside…
But I have! Hey,
I know you remember Scoot,
He told me what happened, at the bar
When he cried. Billy, I wish you never died!

I recently had the privilege of speaking with Jon Antonucci on my podcast, “Grit, Grace, & Inspiration.” At 19, Jon was involved in a tragic arson attack that dramatically altered the course of his life. As he shared his story, I couldn’t help but find surreal parallels with my own life-altering experience.

I was only 17 when a life-saving surgery to remove a brain tumor left me completely blind. This was completely unexpected. Waking up to a world of darkness was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. There was no possible way this could be my new reality. I held onto a thread of hope that it was all just temporary, that something would restore my sight. But as days turned into years, that hope faded, and I had to face the truth of my new reality, I was now blind.

Jon described being sentenced to 14 years in prison in much the same way. He recounted the surreal feeling as he was handed his sentence, and like me, he clung to the hope that his nightmare would be overturned—that he would wake up from this bad dream. But the years passed, and reality set in. Jon would serve the next 12 years behind bars, followed by two years on supervised release.

What strikes me the most about our conversation is not just the gravity of our trials, but the surreal acceptance we both had to come to terms with. There was no miraculous intervention, no sudden awakening from a bad dream. Instead, there was a slow, often painful acceptance and adaptation to our new realities.

Both Jon and I have found ways to see our adversities as formative, even integral, parts of our identities. For Jon, his years in prison became a time of intense personal growth and reflection. For me, blindness was not the end but a new beginning, shaping me into the person I am today.

This is the beauty of the conversations I get to have through my podcast. Despite the vastly different paths we all walk, there’s a thread of commonality that connects us. Each of us faces our own “unthinkable” at some point, and yet, it’s through these challenges that we often find our deepest growth and purpose.

It’s only when we take the time to understand one another that we come to realize that we’re not so different after all. We are all just trying to navigate the complex journey of life, finding purpose in the paths we least expected to walk.

You can listen to my conversation with Jon Antonucci inside of Episode 284 of Grit, Grace, & Inspiration:
This link will let you listen online:
https://GritGraceInspiration.com/Jon-Antonucci
Or this link will let you listen on your favorite podcast app:
https://GritGraceInspiration.com/Listen

Remember, it’s not what happens to us in this life that defines us, but rather how we react to it that counts.

To my dearest family friends and fellow readers. This new energy that came through after the solar eclipse is amazing. I had a complete change in my thought and perspectives in life. The lord lifted the veil off my eyes and started showing me all the demonic and nasty energies that were affecting my life. I immediately removed myself from a home that I thought love me in Coldwater, Michigan and ended up growing. The people there had a nasty plot including my husband in which the marriage was paid and fake the whole time, to keep me there steal my energy and then put me in a grave. I should have been dead by all the witchcraft, car accident, and poising that happened. Why am i writing and telling you all this? The moral of the story is that you need to know who you are. As Children of God. This is the year where what happened in the dark will be brought to the light. Freedom for all of us that feel held down or like we couldn’t speak. God has a message for all of us worldwide, we were meant to shine. They don’t want us to get up go out and share our talents with the world. So, I write today get up, go out, show the world both your outer and inner beauty. If we share love like the Beetles said all u need is love accept I’m speaking in a Godly way the darkness will flee. All you need to defeat this darkness is simply prayer and praise. Listen to music dance, write a poem or a story. A new generation starts now we are the light in the world. We are the city on a hill, we will not be shaken. My fellow friends I encourage u to share happiness and healthiness in the world one person at a time. Start a story, start a blog, do discipleship. I’m your biggest cheerleader besides God of coarse. Grab your torch light up the world and win the race. Share joy peace love and happiness with every person you encounter. A smile is the best medicine I’m routing for ya. You Got this world. Get up, Get Dressed, Get to having your success.

I hope you weren’t up late that night waiting for me.
I knew the hour wasn’t great to call.
I had priorities in life-
I felt my back against the wall.
Also seemed there wasn’t much I could discuss with you or say.
And then the moment changed my life.
When I got word that you had passed away.
I actually felt my world stop spinning .
I stepped back taking look at myself.
Knowing precisely at that moment –
How Lonely that you must have felt.
And every day that passes now
You are in my thoughts more so.
A better person I strive to be
Because that’s the only way that I can grow.
I want to say I am so sorry
I wasn’t there when my time you did need.
This Letter goes out to Someone…
Remember to Cherish the people you Love
Without selfishness & greed.

Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.

8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:

Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy

I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.

If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).

I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)

#chaseyourdreams

The Art of Growth

Stagnant. Dormant. Idle. Sluggish.
All feelings of a pace I’ve gotten too familiar with.
I’m in a courtship with anxiety,
And an engagement with depression.
Yet, these are two relationships I don’t want to be a part of.

Reflect. Ponder. Meditate. Think.
These daily reminders ping in my head.
Telling me to give myself a break, take it easy, let it out and let it go.
But they only stay for the moment, and then I forget to be kind to myself.

I wonder what being 30 is like for others.
I wonder what being 30 is like for me.
Am I behind? Am I lost? Is this okay?

I reflect on how everyone is moving at their own pace.
I ponder over how far I’ve come, yet how short of a time I’ve been around.
I meditate on how there’s no such thing as behind, because this is my version of now.
I think about how being lost isn’t a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to learn.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. And that’s the art of growth.

The knight elevates the princess
tightening his grasp midair
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Shifting the thread of hair behind
to gain a surpass of what the wave has inside—
the knight elevates the princess.
Giddying as the knight’s veins come through
the heat in the room leaves them breathless:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
The beats sync
taking the space away
the knight elevates the princess.
The grin grows uncontrollably
the palms leaving a trace:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Continuing to go steady
as they snuggle close.
The knight elevates the princess
while they are lost in the brown waves.