wifi’s off,
sun beats again the brow,
little embers dancing on your forehead,

“do you want to?”
you know i want to
“i want to”
i know you want to,
come then,
devour my body,

you make me hate myself,
love so strong it’s like i’ve never been love before,
i know what hurts you,
i know what he did,
i hear the pain hidden in your voice,
but i can’t apologise for something i never did,
i can’t be sorry that i remind you of him,
i can’t apologise that you see him in my face,
and it hurts you.
i know it hurts you,
i’ll never hurt you,
so i have to go.

give me the blade,
i’ll go the the river,
i’ll take away your pain,
i’ll take it from my body,
numb to texture of your skin against mine,
like nails on a chalkboard,
heart lost under frozen,
u give your your tears,
you give your suffering,
i give my tears,
i give my innocence,
do you feel safe here,

i don’t know why you still wanted me,
i don’t know why when i turned around to meet your tug there was nothing there,
gone without trace as if it never happened,
do you feel safe with me?
is that why you gave me hurt in exchange for love,
then acted like it never happened?

i don’t remember your name,
i’ll never forget your face,
i wake in a pool of sweat in blood from manifesting nightmares into something i can feel,
something i can chase,
something i can touch,
i wonder if that touch reminds you of me,
every time i go to the river i remember the feeling of you,
i miss it more than it deserves,
and i’ll never let myself forget the sensation you are

I grew up in a world where you were to be seen, but not heard.

I grew up in a world of “do as I say, not as I do”.

I grew up in a world where it was unacceptable to cry lest you be ostracized for being weak or girlish. Unless, of course, you were being beaten, as crying was encouraged.

I grew up in a world where blue is for boys and pink is for girls, or everything is either black or white. There is no color spectrum in between.

I grew up in a world where presenting habits, preferences, mannerisms, speech, and style that is not in line with masculine stereotypes meant you are less than a man.

I grew up in a world of preselected choices and rejection of uniqueness. Rebellion was disrespect. How dare I be different?

I grew up in a world where you could be a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, an engineer, or a banker. You could not choose to be an artist or a musician…those were hobbies, not careers.

I grew up in a world of obligations and not choice.

I grew up in a world where I learned to survive by hiding in plain sight though conformance, silence, and camouflage.

I was not of that world, but I complied and conformed to avoid the shame and stigma of being different.

I grew up cold.

And one day I realized I escaped that world physically, but never mentally.

How could I unlearn survival? How would I shed the things that protected and kept me safe all those hidden years.

How would I drown out shame when it has the loudest voice in my head? How could I escape the prison of my mind?

How could any small, tenuous steps of liberation become a full hearted sprint toward happiness when I am weighted down by so much baggage? When would the wings of freedom sprout strong enough to carry me away?

And thus time passed as I struggled to unlearn my upbringing. I tried to suppress these teaching while raising my own children. I succeeded in some ways and failed in many others.

I now grow old knowing that what I was taught is as wrong today as it was back then.

I now grow old allowing myself to be the person I always was, from the beginning.

I now grow old and have to account to no one but myself and those I love.

I now grow old learning to forgive myself and to humbly ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt.

I now grow old understanding that to fully demonstrate love to others, I must first have learned to love and accept myself.

I now grow old endeavoring to live a better, more authentic life.

I now grow old realizing I have been reborn as my true self, loving art and music, being gentle and caring, crying when I want to cry, wearing what I want to wear, loving black and white and all the colors in between, and understanding that being different is not something to be hidden or ashamed of…

And this alone has warmed my once young, cold heart.❤️

No pain, no gain

Still holds true

For biceps and exes

To name just a few

How does it feel

When pain leaves the heart?

A weight off your shoulders,

A race ‘bout to start?

But pain is evidence of life

And why should you be spared?

I know it’s easier to go numb

Than feeling lonely, feeling scared

But let pain come and let it go

For only growth comes after

And transformation can begin

When bitter tears turn into laughter

Hello everyone…I’m new here, but not new to writing. I’ve been having a hard time getting back into writing and being inspired to write or even get the urge. I’ve had small surges here and there lately…but maybe this site can help change that.

Once again//I lay awake,
Light passes through dark stained glass skin,
A mirror, a chisel, a key,
The door behind swings open,
And why should I not have that which I desire?
I trace her steps.
//
My amethyst heart pounds violently as I maneuver through corridors of crystal,
Glassy tears break into marble pieces/my feet don’t bleed from shards,
I stare down at the marble Staircase in the Glass Castle,
Statuesque like meter in the frame,
And it was beautiful.
//
Never more/I fall asleep
The ugly lustre of my body devours the room,
A reflection, a thought, an emotion,
I close the door behind by me,
I know not what I desire when my body desires my mind,
I return to the room.

At my worst, it’s felt like I’ve been swimming through my molasses. The storm has passed, yet fog remained. Echoes blurred the vision of an aimless vagabond.

I cannot see; still, I love my eyes

My veins are celluloid,
My skin is made of wood,
I kept along the lighting fires,
Trying to get rid of myself.
Wake a little skin for the shredder,
Fill the basket with my pieces,
If I walk in the wind,
I’ll just be carried away,
Take me to the stars so I may be light,
I know not what you want of me in this life,
Flax off in pieces; I’ll be paper today/
& I just need a little water to grow up
& I just need a little sunshine to grow up

I am a work in progress

Orphan baby that time stole

As I figure out my role

Though sometime just a hot mess

I try to find my true self

Racing time against its toll

Challenging my self control

While maintaining mental health

The haters and the lovers

Inspire my will to thrive

And my desire to stay alive

Lest I dive under the covers

So, in stepping out of bed

I take steps toward my goal

Like a newborn baby foal

To live life outside my head