For a long time I have always felt silenced. I go to speak and no words come out. So I hold it in. I have held my tongue for many reasons. One of which comes from childhood where I was told ‘do not speak when grown folks are talking’ or ‘don’t speak when I speak’. And they are always speaking. Another reason for why I have held my tongue is because of my speech impediment. I say my R’s like W’s so whenever I speak people find it comedic and disregard the words that I am actually trying to say. So I hold it in. I don’t speak and I disassociate. But that was my childhood. I am grown now and I can’t keep being quiet. I can’t keep getting walked over and I can’t keep tolerating disrespect. I believe that I try to be gracious to people and even when they are wrong I try not to judge too harshly. I give grace, but it is not received. I get evicted, lose my car, move back in with my parents and it is all his fault. Apparently. Even though everyone in the family has suffered a loss, has lived through failure. However, the person that I love must be perfect and never, ever fall. The person that I love has been judged and I stay silent. The person that I love has been treated and talked about unfairly, but I have no words. If I don’t know how to speak up for myself, how can I speak up for others? The moment that changed my life for the better is when I was punished for loving someone. I had to suffer and go without because he is a little rough, he curses and he’s not perfect. Getting punished for something you cannot control is something that I couldn’t hold it in. The words and emotions flowed out of me. The words stung and I knew it, so I just pressed it in deeper. I wanted to speak on all of the times that I didn’t speak for myself. I wanted to remind them that I was always last on their list and how I was always overlooked. I am never invited out and never included, but the person that sticks beside me and that is with me every day is villainized. He is not perfect, but neither am I. Or you. Jesus said that he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. It seems like those with the most to say and the most to hide are the ones always casting the stone. So, I threw a stone when you made me sit outside in the rain when I was in college, but you let some random guy roomate with you. And I threw a stone on the time that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and you refused to get up because you were in for the night. I am better now that I know that I don’t need to hold my tongue to be a part of a family. I am better since I let you have it. I am better since I stepped to you and made you realize no matter how much older you are than me, I will never tolerate disrespect from you. The moment you took the car away that you gave me because you didn’t like my boyfriend it changed me for the better. Ten days later, I got approved for a car with no money down. Punishing me for who I love will never work because God will show up, show out and bless me even better in the end.

Dear Unsealers,
Life has a peculiar way of guiding us through its most unexpected corridors, turning missteps into milestones. This truth crystallized for me back in 2017, a year that marked the beginning of a profound transformation. It was during a period of desperation, a time when the idea of working from home seemed like a distant dream, that I stumbled upon what appeared to be just another online scam—a course promising answers, peace, and a new path for just $7. Little did I know, this seemingly inconsequential investment would dramatically alter the course of my life.

The course, unconventional in every sense, forced me to view life through a different lens. It was an awakening to the possibility that what I had perceived as life’s cruel jest—the foreclosure that threatened my stability—was, in fact, a veiled opportunity. It nudged me toward a path I had never considered: writing a book. This venture was not just about putting words on a page; it was an excavation of my inner world and an invitation to others to explore their own.

The journey of writing that book opened doors to worlds I had never imagined stepping foot in. It was the bridge that connected me to Lauren Brill and the remarkable “Family of the Unsealed.” This connection was more than a simple network; it was a lifeline to a community that embraced me, flaws and all. Their acceptance and support have been a source of daily gratitude, a constant reminder that even the most unlikely choices can lead to extraordinary places.

Beyond the personal fulfillment of finding my tribe, this $7 gamble introduced me to a vast network of professionals across various industries. I found myself welcomed with open arms, my voice amplified in spaces I had once thought unreachable. From speaking on radio shows to campaigning for local elected officials, the opportunities that unfolded before me were as diverse as they were enriching. Each new experience served not only as a platform for growth but also as a testament to the power of embracing the unconventional.

Perhaps the most invaluable gift this journey has bestowed upon me is the realization that I am not alone in my quest. The knowledge and skills I gained along the way illuminated the collective struggle and resilience of those fighting similar battles. It’s a powerful reminder that our most significant growth often comes from our greatest challenges.

In reflecting on how a $7 scam course irrevocably changed my life for the better, I am reminded of the unpredictable beauty of life’s journey. It is a narrative of transformation, a testament to the unpredictable paths that lead us to our true calling. For every door that closed, a window opened, guiding me towards a life of purpose, connection, and unanticipated joy. The lesson was clear: sometimes, the best investments are the ones we least expect.

Heartbreak taught me to put myself first. To not self abandon, especially when my partners don’t ask that of me, to not be so self sacrificing out of fear of being abandoned because in the end, if they wanna leave.. they will.. no matter how good you treat them. Even if their actions trigger my abandonment wounds, to have the courage to leave and trust my instinct when it shows me a situation or person isn’t meant for me. Heartbreak has taught me many many things, to not be so quick to fall in love, to take things really slow, to take your sweet time opening up to people again until it feels safe to trust. The right person will wait for you, will be gentle with you, will understand your wounds and pain, will want to be there alongside you as you learn to pick up the pieces again. Heartbreak taught me that I am enough, that I am NOT the problem, because all my exes and lovers have always come back over and over because they too know, that a woman like me is a once in a lifetime experience and you’ll be searching for me in everyone you meet. I am an experience, you’ll learn to love yourself, to meet yourself, to experience unconditional love when you collide with me.

Silence must be heard

A Voice unheard.
Afraid to speak
Years of darkness,
Years of being a sheep.
Wrongfully fired on the spot
Her mouth hung open
She was distraught
Silenced again,
with so much pain
Never again
Did she move the same.

Fear resided, kept her silent
Until reminded,
She was the pilot.
Stepping on the stage,
She sang her song
Wrote her next page.
Verbiage flowed
like never before

Finally,
her Voice roared.
Her Voice carried
The melody gave her power
She began to bloom
Becoming a vibrant flower!
Now heard and not just seen,
She began to live
Live her dreams,
Never to fear being
Heard or seen.

Under a gossamer swan sky
Our present meets the past
Mother and daughter travel the streets
Of E’ire in old Belfast

The bright and brilliant azure sky
Crisp and clear and clean
Dips down to gently touch varied greens
The like we’ve never seen

Murals depict the troubles
Of Northern Ireland life
Rebellion hangs heavy in the air
Reminding of the strife

The Peace Line had been drawn
The wall still standing there
Brother still fights brother
From dusk until the dawn

A country ever fractured
By a god that can’t be seen
The rebels travel south
Refusing reign of England’s queen

Pavement turns to cobbles
On the Dublin streets we roam
From the North the Halligan’s came
We have finally found our home

Broken by deceit, confused by the sorrow,
Wondering what life holds in the brink of the tomorrows,
Friends turn to foes, enemies unchained….
Running wild they start to crowd in the land of the untamed.
Like hamsters spinning on hamster wheels,
Going nowhere fast,
I can’t be delusional,
I have to leave them in the past.
Who said everything should last?
Anyway,
Reclaim your time, because if you weren’t meant to shine,
God wouldn’t have saved your life,
And the enemy wouldn’t always have you on his mind.
More valuable than rubies,
More precious than a pearl,
Do it for all the souls after you….
Every little boy and every little girl.
You were born a winner, don’t look at the aesthetics of your life,
You were destined for the life you have right now, you earned your position,
Remember the pain and strife?
You suffered so much,
That’s why your harvest will be plentiful.
You did your job, you put in the work,
Check your fingernails….
You see that dirt?
That’s called field hands, yet they look so clean….
Just like Ruth baby….
You had to glean.
But don’t you dare allow “them over there” 👉 to make you feel less than you are….
Because the biggest eyes, 👀
Tell the biggest lies,
But if you didn’t shine…
How could they still see you enough to 🗣️ on you from afar?
Stay true to yourself,
Stand in your ROYAL POSITION,
Because each time you’re mentioned,
You’re the center of attention,
And that only happens when
You have soooo much OIL IN YOUR KITCHEN!!!!

Copyright ©️ Jacquiline Cox 2024

You told me not to leave
More times than I could count
Confused young kids
Having kids
Not knowing what was what

Well one day I finally remembered
I’m worth
All the love and more
And that endless love
It starts within
And flows forevermore

The journey has not been easy
Rocky from the start
But I’ve grown stronger and wiser
And all these lessons fill my heart

I’ve had poison aimed straight to my soul
From your words and energy
But despite your lies and anger
I never will grow cold

Because if this darkness that I must face most days
The light I have within my soul
Re-illuminates me always.

The stars, my brothers & sisters,
How much I miss all thee
To see you, shiny, bright optimists –
Such a deep positivity to guide.

So many of you all, those stars –
The houses, cities, industries, beings
Dull you now, and so, so few
of you shine as bright, barely gleaning.
Now, not as many of you
Illuminate and shining to inspire
Amongst the rest of mankind.
I miss seeing you as I did back there . . .

I lay there in the vast school valley
No major lights, here third world style.
Cast myself away from the US, I fled,
practically now an exile.
I came to understand more of the world
Wanting to see if I can do any good.
Lying, wishing to be in the space purl,
There in the dark of the African continent.
I smile with peace and such ease
While looking up at those grand stars,
Milky Way, galaxies, while a scant breeze
waves across my skirt and the tall grass.

My Earthly Family, those stars
mine, yours, our representative.
This view, this experience,
I rushed over, not so tentative/
To learn so much, but the stars
Illuminated the sky and world
So much brightness and loveliness,
and so much did unfurl.
I’ll never feel like this again.

Those days over in Tanzania
will forever last in memory
That life, those stars, now as unglistened
In this sky so uncomplimentary

Sharing now that life is short.
I’ll enjoy it as best as I did under
The Tanzania stars and sky

I remember seeing this light off in the distance, a light so bright and beautiful but, it was so hard to explain. It’s like this light was a sign. I told my husband someone is coming, I don’t know who or when, but someone is coming.

You see my husband and I were foster parents. We had put things on hold because we had one of our godchildren living with us. One day we get a call from our social worker asking us if we want to stay certified. She said we’d have to take our classes online by Monday, it was FRIDAY! We did everything and got up to date for another year.

Monday comes and we get a call…. We have a 14 year old that needs a home. Without question we took her. She came to us timid and meek but, hard as ice. Hard as ice meaning she had been through things that no child should ever face. We LOVED her from the moment we got the call. She came to us on my Mom’s birthday.

We went to my Mom’s for some cake and everyone met her and welcomed her. When we got home, I remember seeing her in her bedroom barefoot and I thought “she’s home”. We had LOTS to learn and work through.

I remember taking her school supply shopping, her social worker was supposed to meet us to pay for her supplies but, she never showed up. Brittany thanked us for spending our money on her. She said that most foster parents would not do that
I remember one of the nurses speaking to Brittany instead of one of us to make a doctors appointment and when I called to reschedule because my husband had an appointment that day, she was expecting us to drop her off and I said HELL NO! This is my child and I’m not just dropping her off, I’ll be with her at every appointment!

I remember Brittany leaving our house in the middle of the night, we’d be sitting up worried sick until she came back. We had no way of knowing where she was or who she was with, no cell phones back then. I remember being frantic every time she left the house.

I remember my husband saying “Brittany you’re going to pay for that screen” she thought he was talking about cash 🤣. He meant you’re going to work it off. Ohhh did she do some pouting. She had to rake the yard for her birthday party that weekend. I went to my Nanny’s to borrow a rake and told them that Chris was having a Daddy moment. Years later Brittany remembered that lesson.

I remember having words with Brittany and she wanted to leave then SHE decided to stay with us.

I remember Brittany seeing a boy and the changes that came about in her life. While she spoke to him she didn’t leave in the middle of the night, she was more emotionally present with us etc. Her whole attitude changed. We spoke to said boy and he knew under no uncertain terms we would not play with him if anything happened between them.

I remember her 15th birthday party, she played games with everyone. I can still hear her laughing. I saw a young girl blossoming. I saw my daughter, I saw an angel before me.

I remember my husband, her Daddy and her Pawpaw Tony taking her fishing an how she laughed and told fish stories like the best of them.

I remember her making friends with girls from school and them coming over to swim and hang out.

I remember a girl who was fierce and timid all in one. I remember a girl who loved with all she had. She showed compassion and empathy towards others like no one I’ve ever seen.

I remember going to the grocery store and her asking for those soft iced cookies in the bakery. She loved sharing them with Neila. She would laugh because her tongue turned blue. I still think of her every time I see those cookies.

I remember when she was removed from our home because she was seeing an older boy. I remember being told that we were supposed to stop her interest in older boys. I told my social worker…. You tell me how. You just tell me how.

I remember her leaving her next foster home because she wanted to be with us!

I remember the calls late at night asking me to come get her. Oh how I wish I would have!!! I remember the calls on HER BIRTHDAY!! She called me at my job on her birthday! 😢 I remember the gut wrenching pain of knowing there was nothing I could do! My hands were tied, legally that is!!!

I remember that the system failed her!! I remember that I failed her!!

After she turned 18 she did come back. But she was not the same, she had to learn survival skills. She was stuck in survival mode.

I remember her seeing her Daddy lying in the hospital bed dying. I remember seeing her break down for the Daddy that she only knew a short time. The Daddy she longed for, the Daddy so desperately needed.

Once my husband passed away I remember telling her that I would not tolerate drugs in my home. I remember telling her that I loved her but, she had to go. I tried everything that I could but, I could not risk my life or the lives of my family because of drugs. I didn’t want someone to come around looking for money for drugs and end up hurt or killed.

That’s the last memory I have of my daughter! Putting her out because of drugs in my home. I’ve thought about her OFTEN over the years, I’ve wondered how she was, if she was ok??

Now all these years later I come across her obituary and it brings up all these feelings of despair. I cried! I said WHY GOD!!! I so wanted a better outcome!!! My heart hurts!!!

Brittany I have never, nor will I ever stop loving you! You were a light in my life. You brought such joy to my heart. You will forever be my guardian angel.

i’m 19 and my boyfriend of five years has just left me
alone
600 miles away from our home.
and now i’m stuck at a wedding i never wanted to see
everyone around is smiling, ignoring me
as i cry and
i sit and i scream
at the top of my lungs
but on the inside,
my burning scream is buried deep inside-
one of the many to later come,
my future self will realize.

i cannot steal the spotlight from the bride.
precious princess,
that’s who she is.
she’s always been a real bitch-
princess has always made me feel
invisible
unwanted
not welcome,
in my own family home,
600 miles away from where she lives.

so when he leaves me just before the grand show,
i sit and i laugh
cause inside i know
he and i
we’ve broken up more times than i can count.
except
the way he was crying and cursing my name
has me scrambling,
feeling all out of breath,
quit laughing you psycho,
wake the fuck up!
all of a sudden
i feel tremendous pain
so i get up and go
tears suddenly stream down my face
i didn’t think that i cared
but now i’m
running faster than my six minute mile
down the hallway and the stairwell
that feels like they never end
and i demand to know
that green eyed man in a red flannel jacket
which way did he go
left or right
but
he’s gone.
my honey, baby, sweetheart
he’s gone
and i didn’t even beg him to stay.

it’s all of my fault
i gasp and i feel
the silent and sudden creep
of another panic attack
like when he held my face down in the rug
to make me shut the fuck up
or slammed on the breaks to make me hit the dashboard
in that stupid chevy metro
because i pissed him off
and he needed a laugh.

three days pass
and here i am,
47 missed calls
probably 93 texts
all ignored
unanswered
and yup
you can probably guess
that when i turned the pink key to open the door
to our apartment
i see
all my clothes on the floor
with everything gone
he didn’t even leave me a towel
to wipe my freshly showered body on
no anime games
glass pieces
or decade old shirts
that smell like him.
my jewelry is even all tangled in knots
left alone on the floor
like the pieces of my shattered heart.

but wait
there i see
a letter left for me
my hear dances as i read
his plea
asking for money for the electricity bill
telling me to follow my dreams
i was right all along
we aren’t right for each other
we don’t get along
and have nothing together
move along
move on
forget about me
but first
hand me over money.

the truth of the matter
he left me for someone three times my size
it bothered me for a long time
but as it’s come to pass
i came to remember
it was i
not just him
who caused all the pain.
together
we destroyed
we ruined,
a sweet everlasting song
ripped it apart
cause we didn’t want it all along.

in nine years since
i’ve
fallen in love
with myself,
raised a daughter who’s soul shines brighter than the summer sun in texas,
chased God and prayed to Jesus,
found a job i wouldn’t be me without.
ran away to california
and came back to my momma.
i’ve smiled with my ex as he showed me pictures of his baby,
born on his birthday
which i had to chase down with a shot of solitude.
i’ve read books that became apart of my being,
lost people i never thought would leave in decades to come,
i’ve dated men who are nothing like him
and thanked my lucky stars for blessing me
with an amazing experience
of heartbreak
of being absolutely crushed
shattered to the bone,
left feeling like i didn’t lose a person
but a home.

because thru all of the aching
the pain
the bruise
feeling alone in a crowded room,
i took the seeds of my soul
and watered them
with my tears:
a garden that overflowed
taller than
any sunflower
skyscraper
airplane in the sky
my soul rose up
all the way to kiss Jesus Christ
that green eyed boy he was apart of
this plan of my life.
there’s not a month that goes by
that he’s not loving me in my dreams
i’m his wife
and he’s my man
but when i awake
it’s not by pain or annoyance
just the beauty of being
a monarch butterfly
who was set free
by someone who loved me more than i loved myself at the time.

today
i look in the mirror,
here is who i see:
a warrior princess
the daughter of a true King
the mother of the best blessing i’ll ever receive
the future wife of a love i have yet to meet
a monarch butterfly
traveling through this walk of life
graciously
effortlessly
gingerly
and
at peace.

To anyone who has pondered their past,

I’d like to share with you about a time that changed me for the better.

It was the summer before my junior year of college. I had a small view of the world and how it worked. My idea of success was based upon a semester of good grades combined with how many new Facebook friends I could add after a night of partying. If my hair, makeup, and outfit were on point? Even better. I was content to keep up appearances and do what everyone else my age was doing, or so I thought.

At the time my true spirit was suppressed. A couple years prior I had an emergency C-section to remove a cyst that had mysteriously formed on my ovary. A year later I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism once a nodule was discovered on my thyroid gland. Growing up with Asthma and often ill, I hated learning that there were more ailments being added to my roster. As one can imagine, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind. “Why me? Why does my body hate me? Will I keep getting worse? I’m too young to have a chronic illness…”

Overwhelmed, I banished those concerns to the basement of my brain. I kept living “young, wild and free”, avoiding my problems. I believed that fearing death was for “old people.”

After two years of studying media production, I soon wanted my very own MacBook Pro laptop. I envisioned myself editing on Final Cut from my off-campus apartment. Ideas flooded in – Fashion reels, experimental shorts, music videos, bright colors, textures, fun effects! It was time for an upgrade. But that meant I had to work for it. Summer job? It was a must. After some calculations I discovered I would have to work TWO jobs to reach my goal!

“Well, alright then,” I thought. Just like fashion guru Tim Gunn, I’ll “make it work”. So thus began the summer where I wrapped meat in a cooler early mornings and in the evenings got dolled up to buss at the soon-to-open Italian restaurant. This was when I met her, the young girl from Nigeria. Skin glowing and baby-faced – “absolutely still in high school,” I thought. She talked with a rich musical accent that rendered her hard to understand. Most of the group felt unsure to speak to her, yet I gravitated towards her. She sparkled while she laughed even when no one else found the humor. In time, my ears adapted, and I could fully understand her. “My family recently moved here”, she shared.

When I worked shifts with her, she brightened the hours that passed. We shared inside jokes, danced behind the kitchen doors, and she did not judge me for when I got written up for sneaking the breadsticks. My spirit felt untethered by her. I could let go of trying to appear like everyone else.

Then one day my new friend asked me something I never thought I would hear. “Will you come to my brother’s funeral?” My heart skipped a beat. I thought I misheard her. “What?” My eyes looked directly into hers. “My brother was found dead.” I hugged her and suddenly I did not give a crap about breadsticks.

A week or so had gone by and I found myself at her brother’s service with a fellow busser, a sweet woman many years older than my friend and myself. We were welcomed and loved right away into a family who had the biggest hearts. Songs praising God lifted the roof and rang strong and loud into the heavens. Arms outstretched and hands reached towards the sky. I soon realized that even in their grief, this was a celebration. People cried, smiled and expressed themselves in ways that were purely human, and they were not afraid to show it. I closed my eyes, sang and swayed, and basked in the connection felt between us all. There I was, an ungrateful college student with an abnormal growth on her thyroid, a scar on her abdomen, and a chronic disease, yet through it all, I was alive. I was blessed to have all of my tomorrows whereas my friend’s brother? He did not.

That day changed me. It felt better than any amount of likes on my Facebook page ever could. It felt real. Thanks to my friend that summer, my spirit received a nudge towards a truth that I had long avoided. Death is not just for the elderly. Death comes for us all. We can choose to fear it, not think about it, or accept it. I went back to school with my fancy new laptop knowing in my heart that I had to make that choice and no one else could do it for me.

An experience that changed my life for the better was making the decision to get sober. My life was out of control, my mental health was suffering the worst it has ever been. I was failing as a mother, wife and daughter. I took a look at my life and was disappointed in what I saw. I was choosing buying substances over buying medicine, food, and the basic essentials. My life was in shambles, I was falling apart and I did not know how to bring myself back to life.
I conquered the most challenging part, I made the decision. I made the decision to never use or drink again. This moment changed everything. I kicked, screamed and withdrew on my couch begging for someone, begging myself to just get me through this. I did, in the end, conquer my addictions, my darkness, and pain. I rose like a phoenix and changed my thoughts, my behaviors, actions and most importantly I changed the way I spoke to myself. Instead of demolishing myself for past mistakes and behaviors, I forgave. Forgive myself, my husband, my family that caused childhood trauma. I learned forgiveness and most of all mercy.
Looking back I can see the turmoil I brought on my family. The sleepless nights, the intense fights… The selfishness. To see yourself become someone you do not recognize, someone you can’t look in the mirror, someone you hate. It changes you. I see the selfish choices, the lack of regard for anyone in my household, the lack of love for myself.
Now I see light, happiness, I see the beauty in life. The small things I took for granted I now bask in, like the breeze on a cool fall day. I notice the birds chirping in the morning as the sun rises, I acknowledge the beauty of the sun kissing the sky and painting it with colors of pink and purple at sunrise. I see the beauty in life, in my life, which I never saw before. I look at myself with love and acceptance. I give myself grace. I came out of the darkness and despair and traded it in for a life I only dreamed of, with love and peace. Instead of waiting for someone to come save me, I saved myself.

At first, I thought that writting this letter would be hard for me because, there have been a few things that happened in my life that changed me for the better or that has tought me a lesson/lessons. But actually, it’s going to easier than I thought. Life is always teaching us lessons, but just as it was in school, it depends on if we are paying attention or not in order to learn those lessons.
One experience that helped me change my life for the better, was when I found The Most High ( or some like to call him, God). Dont get me wrong, I always was a very spirtual person because I did grow up going to church and all, but it wasnt until I had gotten older to understand that my relationship with him had to be alot more personal and alot more surrendering.

I have always known I was different, I just didn’t really understand how or why. And at first, yes I thought something was wrong with me because I never fit in with my peers. Eventhough I tried. It wasn’t until going through so many trials and tribulations all around the same time that caused me to seek a more deeper understanding about myself, about life and about my purpose of why I’m actually here.

I don’t want to get too much into details, but I will say that I had a few losses of loved ones, jobs, friends and even became homless at a point of time. Like completely homless to where I had to pedhandle, ask total stangers to help me be able to feed myself for the day, which was not always easy. I had slept ouside, on trains, even slept in a car. I am grateful for those who did help, but there were alot of people who didnt want to. Which caused me to have to spend awhile doing it until someone was kind enough to help me. Not to mention, I had to put so much pride to the side in order to be able to ask totally strangers for money in the first place.

One day, I had a meltdown. In frustration of everything that seemed to be hitting me all at once, I cried out literally in prayer. I was angry, sad, and very emotional. Didn’t know what else to do, who to turn to, or how to feel anymore. And eventhough I hadn’t been to church in years, something in me made me cry out in prayer that day. I was overwelmed. I knew there was someone greater than I that had the answers to all my questions, and I was tired of trying to figure it out on my own. And, The Most High most really did answer me soon after.

Something(our creator) urged me to start reading the bible after that prayer. So I did. I started to read more from that point on, started praying even more and not just even asking for things but being grateful for things that I did have and for still being here. I started to seek deeper into self-care and loving myself, healing from my past. I noticed that a change within me started to happen so much that I started to see changes happen around me and for me. I found a better job, making more money, married my soulmate, and I started to understand more about myself so that I could contiue to make changes and grow.

Some call it a spiritual awakening, I call it becoming more self aware. Healing from pass trauma and learning how and when to use my gifts. Remember when I said that I knew that I was different, and that I just couln’t explain or understand how? Well, I found out that everything that I had been through was meant to happen so that I could be a testimony to help others that may have experience the same things that I have. And that I should find ways to use my talents to share my story with others, to help them find and keep hope alive. I have become a better version of myself. I love helping others, wheither its with my story, or being someone that is easy to talk to, or even helping out the homless as best as I can. Because I was once homless, I now understand just how important it is to give back to the community. Expecially to those in need. I know firsthand that not many people want to help the homeless, so I want to make sure that I am apart of the small percentage that love helping. We should always give, it should be in everyone’s heart to help each other without looking for something to something gain. Unfortunatly, its not in everyone’s heart to help.

Our creator saved me that day. He was just waiting on me to acknowledge him, ask him for his help because he is the only one who truely can. I am on a better path in life now, eventhough it still can get frustrating with everything that’s going on, I now understand that I am not alone. I never was alone, and as long as I keep my realationship with him, he will always be there to guide me to the path that he designed for me.

Look into the light and you will know that tomorrow will come, that no matter what we do or say time will not stand still. Tomorrow will come when we look back at times in our lives when hope was not a thought, that positive was a foreign language, even when we had to let go. We continued with the day sad, mad, confused but still tomorrow will come. Somehow through the stress, worry and pain we watched as the seconds, minutes and hours came that let us know tomorrow will come. Looking at how the color of the sky changed and the temperature being unknown we knew tomorrow will come. Babies get their way because they can’t take care of themselves. As we grow older it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, it even changes to where other people depend on us weather, we asked to be put in that position or not and still tomorrow will come. Tomorrow will come after we take our first step, break our first bone, make our first friend. Tomorrow will come when we have our first heart break, find our purpose in life, and lose our first loved one. On the first job it might last until the day of retirement or just be a steppingstone to find out what kind of job you don’t want to work at, to find out if you’re good at sports or better at math but tomorrow will come. Fear has been a factor in every person since no one can say what will happen in the future for sure but that is a strength that comes with knowing tomorrow will come. People tend to think that everyone has the same thinking pattern and thoughts and it’s not true since some people have mental and physical disabilities that has made it to where they learning abilities impacted their total life different from someone that might not have something to hinder them until later on in life and still tomorrow will come. As time has gone on life on earth has changed where it has been recorded to show every day how things become better or worse on any given day and still tomorrow will come. Some people call it the ups or downs of life, lessons learned, good or bad experiences, one thing that never changes still tomorrow will come. There are things that we all wish we didn’t have to experience but there is no guarantee that every day is happy and sunny since there is no way to get away from a cold rainy day with the change of seasons still tomorrow will come. The number of days a person lives is the most unknown and how that person feels about their life, their surroundings, their past and future, but still tomorrow comes and one would say to be okay with the life that you have and make as many good memories to leave with your family and friends so you can always have something good to laugh and talk about more even though there will be bad times people remember as well but that is another thing that only that person has control over because still tomorrow will still come and it’s a waste to think of negative memories only that keeps a person sad and depressed and still tomorrow will come. So, take this in mind whether you had not a not-so-great life by your thoughts know that someone could look at you and see it all as joy and happiness while you are looking at someone else life and thinking it is or was better than yours. We all get at least 1 chance to make a decision to have a happy moment to make a memory that can last past your lifetime on to the next and knowing that still tomorrow will come there is an opportunity that you may not have had the day before and willing to make a plan for tomorrow to be different because it’s not today, today will only be here today and what you do with that time is up to you even if it doesn’t go your way you made it through the day and know that tomorrow is coming and things could be so different it would be a total surprise to you since there is always room for new and exciting things to come along and happen. Look past the darkness, look past the bad thoughts and memories, look toward the light of the new day even in the rain, heat or cold always and forever know that as long you see the light that still tomorrow is coming this is what I tell myself at the end of every day.

When I was eight years old, I saw something like Heaven.

It may have been the real thing, but again, I was eight. I’d known about
Heaven since I was four, when me and my family went to Church.

At four, Church was one big polite concert. People onstage talking round and
round themselves,handing out the skin and blood of God. On a tray were hundreds of miniature cups and plates of crackers passed between pews.

God’s blood was dark, almost purple. I drank and ate God, wondering if every
cracker and juice I’d eaten was God too.

At Sunday School, Teacher brought out a bucket of water. She put an orange boat with three plastic dolls inside. The girl with brown hair was Jesus. Teacher shook the bucket. Tiny waves jostled the boat and the little dolls inside. When Jesus woke up, Teacher stopped shaking the bucket, saying Jesus had stopped the storm. Teacher lit a candle. After we prayed, Teacher cupped her hand over the jar. I watched the little flame shrink away into smoke. Teacher said this meant God had disappeared. The only thing I thought was how anyone, even Jesus, could sleep through a thunderstorm in the middle of the ocean.

As I grew up, the answers of Heaven became more vague. It was never a place on a map, or a place people could go to on holiday. It was just there. Whenever I asked where it was, I was told it was “everywhere.”

Still, I believed.

I pictured golden skies, round fluffy fields of clouds. When my first cat died, I prayed he wouldn’t forget me and get adopted by an angel while I was gone. I hoped in Heaven, everyone was eight years old again.

When I was eight, I wasn’t in Heaven.

I was at the Sledding School. The school had been abandoned for years, so
every winter kids in the district went there to sled. The hill was a perfect smooth slope perched high above main street. I could see every store and restaurant, even the distant smudge of the lake . If I stared hard enough, I could tell myself I could see where my house was on the other side. I sledded for hours, whizzing through icy wisps of cold, sailing off mounds of snow molded into miniature ramps, flying down the hill on snow-peppered wings. Soon the sky was inky-black and I couldn’t feel my hands. I was halfway up the hill dragging my friend’s sled behind me, trekking the mile high journey back to the top where she was.

“I’ve gotta go home!” she yelled.

“Then go!” I yelled back.

“Give me my sled!”

I stopped walking, sat backwards on the sled and slid back down laughing. When I reached the bottom again, I layed against the plastic surface of the sled, looking up into the ahsy-black clouds, swollen with snow and smog.

Suddenly, the clouds broke like an egg. Pale wispy light drifted down like a curtain, resting against the hill’s sled- shredded surface. The light against the snow shimmered like the sun on the sea, dazzling, alive. There was no moon, no sun, no UFO up in the clouds. The light was just there.

The clouds cupped their hands together. The light disappeared.

I ran up the hill, the sled bumping against my legs as I lumbered clumsily
against the steep thick tide of snow. I fell on my face when I reached the top.

“Look! Look!” I said, pointing wildly behind me.

“Where? ”my friend said.

“Did you see that!”

“See what?”

I stood on my knees, the thick winter air burning my throat. “It was like
Heaven,” I said. “Like in the movies.”

All the way home, I told my parents what I saw. Their eyes nodded from the rearview mirror. They didn’t seem overly impressed, or at least less impressed then I thought they should be.

But even at eight, I didn’t say I saw Heaven. I saw something like Heaven, only without trumpets and wings and golden gates. I don’t know what I saw. Maybe Heaven. Maybe not.

It felt like Heaven. Like how I feel when my cat walks across the five cushioned couch to sit on my lap. Or the smell of turkey creeping from the oven door. Or how whenever it rains, I think of my Grandmother and the last story I ever told her was when it poured at the county fair, I ran out in it, buying kettle corn and appropriately singing “Singing in the Rain.”

Whatever it was, Heaven or not, it had the makings of an otherworldly act, that a ray of light on a snowy night could make an eight year old girl warm with the wonder of a miracle.

Driving.
Miles and miles.
Footwork and footwork.
Hello and hello.
You stop where you can to hang a missing person’s poster.
You notice the berries are a brighter red.
You hear spiritually.
You know sacredness is not seen but felt.
She was found dead. Stabbed over and over again, slowly bleeding out her last breath-her last body movement of life depleted.
Your baby sister.
Your golden laughter on weekends.
Your refuge of fun and fearlessness-dead; murdered.
No one knows what metamorphosisizing.
Wings or visions.

agggggggh!!!!
Screams are silent as to not let anyone hear
so loud inside that they are deafening
as I uncontrollably scream
with my eyes sealed shut
tears stream down my face
and my body shakes
as i let my head fall back
throwing my fists in the air
only to slump forward again
with my arms beside me in defeat
not long ago I was good
and then somehow
i managed to end up in this place
my eyes twitched
as I stared blankly in the distance
i’m felt lost and disgusted
how could i have let that happen to me
knowing that I wouldnt ever
Let that happen to anyone else
where did that even come from
how could I not see the evil in his soul
how i could I not see the hate in his heart
i wrapped myself in the darkness’s embrace
and slowly rocked myself back and forth
as to self soothe and help my mind grasp what had happened
oh the things that I had been through
with the holds of a choke
that almost crushed my throat
I am surprised I am alive today
but not without consequence
the after affects come out of nowhere
sudden moves and i jump
hands up and I cover my head and face
my drifts out of reality
bring me back to that time
and the emotions overwhelm me again
But here I am
Here I still stand
permanently scarred
but able to see through the dark
and able to be aware again
here i am smiling and laughing
eating and drinking
dancing and singing
here I am able to breathe
enjoying my offspring for days upon days
being their safe space, their light
away from anything sent to harm them
I don’t have to hold my breath
I don’t have to walk on eggshells
I don’t have to silence myself
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to wait
I don’t have to keep wondering what I did wrong
to deserve punishments as such
I don’t have to question how many more times
i would have to deal with his undeserving behavior
I am free
I am finally free
I look in the mirror and smile
wiping the tears from my eyes
no more cries the moment
until the pain again hits the rise
it will take time to heal
and try to keep these tears out my eyes
I know
emotions will come ago
and sometimes I will be so, so
but I lived to see another day
and another moment
so satisfying and pleasing
on my remarkable journey
if I may