An experience that changed my life for the better was making the decision to get sober. My life was out of control, my mental health was suffering the worst it has ever been. I was failing as a mother, wife and daughter. I took a look at my life and was disappointed in what I saw. I was choosing buying substances over buying medicine, food, and the basic essentials. My life was in shambles, I was falling apart and I did not know how to bring myself back to life.
I conquered the most challenging part, I made the decision. I made the decision to never use or drink again. This moment changed everything. I kicked, screamed and withdrew on my couch begging for someone, begging myself to just get me through this. I did, in the end, conquer my addictions, my darkness, and pain. I rose like a phoenix and changed my thoughts, my behaviors, actions and most importantly I changed the way I spoke to myself. Instead of demolishing myself for past mistakes and behaviors, I forgave. Forgive myself, my husband, my family that caused childhood trauma. I learned forgiveness and most of all mercy.
Looking back I can see the turmoil I brought on my family. The sleepless nights, the intense fights… The selfishness. To see yourself become someone you do not recognize, someone you can’t look in the mirror, someone you hate. It changes you. I see the selfish choices, the lack of regard for anyone in my household, the lack of love for myself.
Now I see light, happiness, I see the beauty in life. The small things I took for granted I now bask in, like the breeze on a cool fall day. I notice the birds chirping in the morning as the sun rises, I acknowledge the beauty of the sun kissing the sky and painting it with colors of pink and purple at sunrise. I see the beauty in life, in my life, which I never saw before. I look at myself with love and acceptance. I give myself grace. I came out of the darkness and despair and traded it in for a life I only dreamed of, with love and peace. Instead of waiting for someone to come save me, I saved myself.