i’m 19 and my boyfriend of five years has just left me
alone
600 miles away from our home.
and now i’m stuck at a wedding i never wanted to see
everyone around is smiling, ignoring me
as i cry and
i sit and i scream
at the top of my lungs
but on the inside,
my burning scream is buried deep inside-
one of the many to later come,
my future self will realize.

i cannot steal the spotlight from the bride.
precious princess,
that’s who she is.
she’s always been a real bitch-
princess has always made me feel
invisible
unwanted
not welcome,
in my own family home,
600 miles away from where she lives.

so when he leaves me just before the grand show,
i sit and i laugh
cause inside i know
he and i
we’ve broken up more times than i can count.
except
the way he was crying and cursing my name
has me scrambling,
feeling all out of breath,
quit laughing you psycho,
wake the fuck up!
all of a sudden
i feel tremendous pain
so i get up and go
tears suddenly stream down my face
i didn’t think that i cared
but now i’m
running faster than my six minute mile
down the hallway and the stairwell
that feels like they never end
and i demand to know
that green eyed man in a red flannel jacket
which way did he go
left or right
but
he’s gone.
my honey, baby, sweetheart
he’s gone
and i didn’t even beg him to stay.

it’s all of my fault
i gasp and i feel
the silent and sudden creep
of another panic attack
like when he held my face down in the rug
to make me shut the fuck up
or slammed on the breaks to make me hit the dashboard
in that stupid chevy metro
because i pissed him off
and he needed a laugh.

three days pass
and here i am,
47 missed calls
probably 93 texts
all ignored
unanswered
and yup
you can probably guess
that when i turned the pink key to open the door
to our apartment
i see
all my clothes on the floor
with everything gone
he didn’t even leave me a towel
to wipe my freshly showered body on
no anime games
glass pieces
or decade old shirts
that smell like him.
my jewelry is even all tangled in knots
left alone on the floor
like the pieces of my shattered heart.

but wait
there i see
a letter left for me
my hear dances as i read
his plea
asking for money for the electricity bill
telling me to follow my dreams
i was right all along
we aren’t right for each other
we don’t get along
and have nothing together
move along
move on
forget about me
but first
hand me over money.

the truth of the matter
he left me for someone three times my size
it bothered me for a long time
but as it’s come to pass
i came to remember
it was i
not just him
who caused all the pain.
together
we destroyed
we ruined,
a sweet everlasting song
ripped it apart
cause we didn’t want it all along.

in nine years since
i’ve
fallen in love
with myself,
raised a daughter who’s soul shines brighter than the summer sun in texas,
chased God and prayed to Jesus,
found a job i wouldn’t be me without.
ran away to california
and came back to my momma.
i’ve smiled with my ex as he showed me pictures of his baby,
born on his birthday
which i had to chase down with a shot of solitude.
i’ve read books that became apart of my being,
lost people i never thought would leave in decades to come,
i’ve dated men who are nothing like him
and thanked my lucky stars for blessing me
with an amazing experience
of heartbreak
of being absolutely crushed
shattered to the bone,
left feeling like i didn’t lose a person
but a home.

because thru all of the aching
the pain
the bruise
feeling alone in a crowded room,
i took the seeds of my soul
and watered them
with my tears:
a garden that overflowed
taller than
any sunflower
skyscraper
airplane in the sky
my soul rose up
all the way to kiss Jesus Christ
that green eyed boy he was apart of
this plan of my life.
there’s not a month that goes by
that he’s not loving me in my dreams
i’m his wife
and he’s my man
but when i awake
it’s not by pain or annoyance
just the beauty of being
a monarch butterfly
who was set free
by someone who loved me more than i loved myself at the time.

today
i look in the mirror,
here is who i see:
a warrior princess
the daughter of a true King
the mother of the best blessing i’ll ever receive
the future wife of a love i have yet to meet
a monarch butterfly
traveling through this walk of life
graciously
effortlessly
gingerly
and
at peace.