Life has felt aggressively slow,
As if time has a personal vendetta on my goal.
I lay in bed as the sun glow,
These four walls are taking a physical toll.
My inner voice turns my bed into quick sand,
But I refuse to let my thoughts have the winning hand.
I step outside and I breathe in peace,
I step towards everything that I have planned.
Sweat beads down my face as I walk,
My breathe is strained and I can barely talk.
A bird just flew by and made a low coo,
The beauty in its feathers are bold and true.
I’m glad I decided to get out of the bed this morning,
It really takes one step at a time, I’m learning.
My thoughts of failure still reside,
But I am stronger now so I push them to the side.
I am not able to do much in this season,
For financial, credit and many other reasons.
But what I can do is take another step,
And do everything I can to prep;
For what is owed and was stolen from me,
Will be replenished in my pocket’s times three.
I step again as I struggle to breathe,
I step again away from everything I need to leave.
The passing cars, the beading sun, that gust of wind,
Reminders that a slow life is a luxury and a forever win.
I don’t want to live life focused on the next success,
I want to live life walking away from unnecessary stress.
Another step makes my lungs wheeze,
Another step makes my legs freeze.
I pause where I stand, and reach out my hand.
Towards a rose that blossomed from a bush.
I wrap my hands around the stem and give it a little push.
The thorns are sharp and my hands depart,
As the rose rest back in its place.
So, I leave it right there and continue on my pace,
Because peace and beauty needs its space.
Better understanding for what I need is blossoming this spring,
I tread on my walk and smile at everything life is about to bring.

Style score: 70%

I think about my fears when I’m crocheting,
Why is my anxiety here? It is dismaying!
With each breathe my heart beats faster,
What do I do – force fake laughter?
My brain shoots thoughts at lightning speed,
It grows louder and louder. Silence is a need.
I hate to dwell on my losses, but
Here is where my depression and anxiety crosses.
With the hook I stab the yarn,
On my heart, pain carves a scarred tarn.
I don’t know why this moment is full of stress;
I close my eyes and I pray to be blessed.
I no longer want to feel like my crochet hook,
Stuck in a web of knots, lost on what way I should’ve took.
So instead I clear my mind,
There’s a lot up here; so it might take some time.
I throw away my financial worries,
While my self doubt scurries.
I will no longer be prisoner to my thoughts,
I untangle a mind full of knots.
I rebuke every negative thought that come my way,
Because my Lord’s presence is here to stay.
I lift my eyes to the mountains,
Through faith I will possess an endless fountain.
I continue to weave my yarn,
Calmer now, because peace has been borne.

Style Score: 100%

The excuses are old, it is time to be bold,
as the new year makes its debut.

Wipe away your tears, celebrate with cheers,
today we start our goals anew.

Every step of the way, you are going to be okay,
if you truly believe it to be.

Never stop striving, one day you will be thriving,
And the whole world will flock to see.

Today marks the beginning, don’t dream about the ending,
Because the magic is in the journey.

Yesterday is over, the due date is in October,
This book will be my testimony.

There were troubling times, and halted strides,
That came between my goals and I.

When my name is stamped, my success can set up camp,
And I can burn my mark in the sky.

Encouragement is needed, to prevent becoming defeated,
I pray all self-doubt away.

New opportunities close, your writing exposed,
If you keep the depression at bay.

Try every single day, like it’s your last card to play,
And the provisions will be plenty.

You already know, that once you go,
You are going to be the rawest in the city.

Fire photography, stunning cinematography,
Beyond the horizon your success looms.

I believe in you, damn who thinks it’s true,
Your business WILL boom.

Visions will turn reality, all due to your originality,
My dreams will make my name a brand.

End of twenty-twenty five, my dreams will be alive,
And it will be time to expand.

I breathe in anxiety.
I breathe out peace.
I hide from society.
I have no release.
My feet halts in its tracks
Because confidence I lack.
My belief system is faulty,
I don’t belong in this party.
I open my voice to speak,
But suddenly my words become meek.
They lodge in my throat;
This pain that I tote;
My voice is gone
And I can’t go on.
My non-belief inflicts pain,
And my anxiety drives me insane.
I breathe in doubt.
I breathe out peace.
I scream and shout.
I have no release.
Succeeding is my desire
Writing is my fire.
Though sometimes I get stuck
Because I feel like no one gives a f**k.
It’s hard to believe in me,
When nonchalance is all I see.
“Why you wanna do that?”
They say as we chat.
No uplifting words for me;
Then wants my money for free.
Their words is invading,
Scared my goals will begin fading.
I am held hostage in my mind
And it’s all because of my family line.
So on bended knee I pray,
To believe in myself today.
As I weep and I sit
A voice says Just Do It.

I pray and make my wish very clear,
Hoping that one day you will appear.
Conjured up by pink and green fairies;
So that means we can surf through the air.
With a wave of a wand and some pixie dust,
We can go ride unicorns just like we discussed.
Of course, you said no because of your old bones.
But with closed eyes we could sail through the sky like drones.
I would take away your worries and we will have fun,
And no one can stop us because we shine like the sun.
Your presence I wish I can feel to this day,
It’s been almost three years since you’ve gone away.
I wish with everything in me I had a fairy,
I’d fly up to heaven in a magical ferry.
But I can’t be selfish and bring you back,
When you are already home and nothing you lack.
I can’t bring you back with me,
Because you are where you are meant to be.
And if you come with me,
You will never be free.
You believed in me before I did,
Even when I was just a kid.
So, you inspire me to keep going
Even when I feel lost and unknowing.
You showed me how to believe in myself,
By putting myself doubt on the shelf.
I hold you close to my heart,
Because I know your spirit will never depart.
Thank you for being the best you can be
So I can soar and show you who you raised me to be.

You have dreams that you think constantly about,
Hoping spontaneity is something you live out.
You meditate on the future,
To the point you drive yourself into a stupor.
You can’t think straight,
Because your worries have a heavy weight.
Everyday you strive to your goals,
And everyday the finishing line continues to roll.
You take a step, and your feet are caught in a web.
You fall, you stumble, you choke, you croak.
You scream, you cry, you moan, you whine.
You stress about all the things that could go wrong,
Not knowing that if you just go, it won’t be long.
You have to walk through the fire and bathe in the dirt.
Sleep in the woods and wear the same shirt.
The journey is hard and tiresome too,
But if you keep going I know what God will show you.
He will show you what he can do for you,
He will grow flowers everywhere it hurts, too.
Cleanse the dirt from your life,
And make you as sharp as the edge of a knife.
You have dreams that you think about constantly,
& if you trust in Him he will deliver you from this economy.
“Seek the Kingdom of God and all things will be added to you.”
This verse is why your worries should be few.
Focus on the journey and forget the stress.
Skip through daisies and think less.
Your going to make it to the finishing line, I know that for sure.
Remember to live in the moment and never let life become a blur.

I am growing in places I didn’t even know was possible. Where I am from, people often get stuck. Mentally, financially or in whatever way possible. Stuck in time so much that people that know them from five years ago and people that know them from today know the same version of them. These people often repeat the same rhetoric: I am who I am. My biggest fear is being stuck. I have an amazing corporate job working for a technology company, but I want more. I have three degrees, but I want more. I crave progression in my life to a point that these thoughts invade my dreams. I don’t aspire to work up the ladder at the same job for twenty years or to stay at a job for the benefits and 401k. I don’t care about which insurance is offered or what discounts I can get through the company. I want more. I need more. I am meant for more. I love that in this chapter of my life I am not confined by my environment. I love that I am slowly breaking out of my shell. I will not lie and say I am not terrified to take that step. But what I know for certain is that I am not alone. The person that I was five years ago was too scared to walk, with goals that didn’t align with my soul. Now I am walking with God towards my purpose, open and ready to be molded into the person that I am meant to be – the person that lives in my dreams. I have grown from where I was and I refuse to walk backwards. I am who I am, but I am constantly getting better.

For a long time I have always felt silenced. I go to speak and no words come out. So I hold it in. I have held my tongue for many reasons. One of which comes from childhood where I was told ‘do not speak when grown folks are talking’ or ‘don’t speak when I speak’. And they are always speaking. Another reason for why I have held my tongue is because of my speech impediment. I say my R’s like W’s so whenever I speak people find it comedic and disregard the words that I am actually trying to say. So I hold it in. I don’t speak and I disassociate. But that was my childhood. I am grown now and I can’t keep being quiet. I can’t keep getting walked over and I can’t keep tolerating disrespect. I believe that I try to be gracious to people and even when they are wrong I try not to judge too harshly. I give grace, but it is not received. I get evicted, lose my car, move back in with my parents and it is all his fault. Apparently. Even though everyone in the family has suffered a loss, has lived through failure. However, the person that I love must be perfect and never, ever fall. The person that I love has been judged and I stay silent. The person that I love has been treated and talked about unfairly, but I have no words. If I don’t know how to speak up for myself, how can I speak up for others? The moment that changed my life for the better is when I was punished for loving someone. I had to suffer and go without because he is a little rough, he curses and he’s not perfect. Getting punished for something you cannot control is something that I couldn’t hold it in. The words and emotions flowed out of me. The words stung and I knew it, so I just pressed it in deeper. I wanted to speak on all of the times that I didn’t speak for myself. I wanted to remind them that I was always last on their list and how I was always overlooked. I am never invited out and never included, but the person that sticks beside me and that is with me every day is villainized. He is not perfect, but neither am I. Or you. Jesus said that he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. It seems like those with the most to say and the most to hide are the ones always casting the stone. So, I threw a stone when you made me sit outside in the rain when I was in college, but you let some random guy roomate with you. And I threw a stone on the time that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and you refused to get up because you were in for the night. I am better now that I know that I don’t need to hold my tongue to be a part of a family. I am better since I let you have it. I am better since I stepped to you and made you realize no matter how much older you are than me, I will never tolerate disrespect from you. The moment you took the car away that you gave me because you didn’t like my boyfriend it changed me for the better. Ten days later, I got approved for a car with no money down. Punishing me for who I love will never work because God will show up, show out and bless me even better in the end.

Our day starts with coffee. Black, no sugar and two creams. Just how you like it. I would pour myself a cup too, even though I hate coffee, and sit both coffees on the end table by your rocking chair. I can hear your voice now: “Thank you baby.” Your voice hoarse from years of labor. We would pick our cups up and sip at the same time. Well, not quite at the same time. I always forget to blow my drink first and burn my tongue. My face twisted up in pain. Whereas, you always blow your drink first and never take on more than you can bear. Literally and figuratively. Now that I am older, I admire how still you can be. Sitting, day after day, in the comfort of your rocking chair, drinking your coffee and watching Lifetime movies. I relish that stillness. On my perfect day I will definitely have to be still. I wouldn’t want to do anything at all, but put my feet up and drink bitter coffee. To some people the perfect day is a day on the beach but any day spent being still with you would be perfect to me. I would get hungry about halfway through my cup. My stomach growls, which prompts you to rock yourself out of your chair and head to the kitchen. Your walk weary from years of service on your feet. Following behind you, I grab a plate off of the table and hand it to you. You fill it with grits, sausage, eggs, french toast, a waffle and bacon. I could have made my plate, but you always made it for me. “Just sit down at the table, baby. I got your plate.” With an orange juice to match, I sit at the dining table and go to town. With a full belly, I waddle back to the love seat right next to your chair. I look outside and see kids playing, but I don’t feel that pain in my stomach anymore. Growing up without someone to play with and share secrets with has always weighed heavy on me. I carried loneliness with me throughout my adolescent and teenage years. Always an onlooker, a wallflower, the bullied. My perfect day I will not have those feelings or be consumed with looking to something that I don’t have. Even though I didn’t have a friend my age, I had a friend who didn’t mind drinking coffee and watching movies with me on a random Saturday morning. She might have been fifty years older than me, but she was my best friend. She never turned me away and she always made me feel like I belonged. If I can have one more day spent with you, just being still, that will be the perfect day. And I do have a secret to tell you, best friend. I miss you and I still hate coffee.

I am learning to love you.
I am learning to love your smile and the way your chubby cheeks make your eyes chinky.
I am learning to love the extra curves around your hips and waist.
I am learning to love your deep and rich skin tone and coily hair.
I am learning to love you because you deserved to be loved.
You deserve to be loved in a way that tailors to all of your love languages.
You deserve to to be loved because your first priority is the needs of others.
You deserve to be loved even when you don’t feel worthy.
Even when you don’t feel worthy I promise to never abandon you.
Even when you don’t feel worthy I will still speak to you like a queen.
Even when you don’t feel worthy I will learn to love you.
Because I love you.