I look forward to not being vulnerable anymore.
As a licensed therapist, I transform lives, that’s my role.
Life’s trials and tribulations have made me somewhat bold.
On some days I am strong and fearless.
On others, I feel small and fruitless.
BUT I find that in attaining success I’m on a roll.
When I wake up each day, there is hope not despair.
I would like to also come out of my miserable and dark lair.
Being the best of the best is not my ultimate goal.
I pray and pray to become whole.
I should look at what the Creator has bestowed upon me.
Blessings upon blessings with many reasons to find glee.
The rain has its purpose.
It does great service.
The drops of fresh water give me a chance to start over.
Not pause, not hesitate but to look across and ponder.
I have so much to offer and much to gain.
Eventually, I will find a way to not make my efforts go in vain.
I will take it step by step and day by day to not become another unfortunate lore.
I look forward to not being vulnerable anymore.

I’ve prayed for a cure to this horrid disease

Of loving someone without loving me

Is this a choice or a mental disorder?

My pain is a chasm, I’ve stood on its border

If I can’t love freely, then why love at all?

Is there a cure or an ultimate fall?

Society speaks, but where is my voice?

Why would I suffer if given a choice?

It’s how I was born, it’s not my fault

A wound that is raw and covered in salt

I’m imperfectly perfect with nothing to fix

Why not accept me and love me as is?

Some say it’s wrong and abhorred by nature

But can love be wrong, and is that my wager?

What are the stakes of swimming upstream?

Not choosing convention and living my dream?

Giving up peace, a love, happiness?

Living a life of turmoil and mess?

So examine yourself, don’t diagnose me

Do you think you are normal, perfect and free?

I pick to be “sick, distorted, and ill”

For that is my choice which comes from free will

The sickness is yours and not mine at all

I’m perfectly splendid, I’ll fly and not fall

Have you forgotten about me?
Yesterday has always weighed heavy on our shoulders but I hope you’ve managed to find peace within the day.
I hope you keep me in the back of your mind like a letter from a past lover that carries dust in our box.
Unwanted but still welcomed in our home.

Your heart will still sink, you will still feel too much – This is who we are.
We’ve never had the stomach for life but I hope you learned to sit through the discomfort and enjoy the meal.

Something I’ve been working on as the days pass is forgiveness.
Forgiving myself for knowing better but letting my curiosity get the best of me.
Forgiving myself for hurting the ones who love me most.
Forgiving myself for simply experiencing life.
We can not keep dwelling on the things we can not change.
I forgive you and I will say it until it’s true.
Today’s a new day and tomorrow will be another start.
I believe you’ll find the kindness in your heart to forgive me too.

My Ideal Self

I look back on myself in the previous years of my life
Thinking: Will I ever have a job, have children, or be a wife?

When I flashback to all my poor choices of the past,
I remember that fake smile that was hidden by a mask.

But now, although I am disabled, I wish to make a difference on this Earth.
You see, something amazing happened and that started with my birth.

I wish to leave a great legacy behind,
To open the eyes and give sight to the blind.

I wish to help others and also to inspire,
You say your flames gone out? So let me light your fire!

All of this put together, creates a self I call “ideal”.
When I think to myself, “Can it ever be accomplished? Can all of it be real?”

So in the end, I say to myself, “Darling, don’t you worry, for there’s an ideal, master plan in place!
And it all starts now with hope, love, happiness, and a smile on your face!”

Dear Ideal Self,

As I sit down to address you, I am reminded of the complex blend of qualities that define me. The absence of idleness in my character has always been evident; it’s not just a trait but a fundamental part of who I am. This characteristic has shaped my journey in profound ways.

From a very early age, life taught me that inaction would not serve me well. I recall those early days when I received a diagnosis of speech and developmental delays. At the tender age of three, I was entirely non-verbal and struggled with sensory impairments. Some described me as stubborn, unpredictable, at times exhausting, and yet undeniably adorable. Therapists characterized me as “nonverbal,” “delayed,” and even “a very pretty, well-dressed little girl.”

Our reliance on military insurance limited our access to local therapists and doctors. My diagnoses shifted between Apraxia, Autism, and Pervasive Developmental Disorder, depending on the week and the session. But one day, a therapist uttered a sentence that changed everything. “Your daughter will never do anything we could not train a monkey to do.” My parents and I left that door behind, never to return. I was too young to recall that moment, but I know it altered my life for the better. It transformed us into warriors, determined to conquer one challenge at a time. Initiative, determination, and hard work weren’t just characteristics; they became our tools.

Through countless IEP meetings, my mother’s unwavering dedication to researching, my limited vocabulary evolving into a rich one, and the tremendous support of teachers who recognized my potential, I found my voice. But it was more than words; it was pride, determination, and ambition. Yes, I still have quirks, and I acknowledge that I’m different from most, but I’ve learned that I’m capable and resilient. I’m the first to say “I can,” the most sincere in saying “I will,” and, while not always fearless, I am consistently determined. I understand that I won’t always be the best at everything I do or say, but as long as I maintain unwavering dedication, I can hold my head high.

So, ideal self, keep in mind your origins. You are a complex, expressive, unwavering, confident individual, perhaps a grammatical challenge to some, but one thing you will never be is indolent. Embrace your determination, persist in your pursuit of excellence, and most importantly, never forget the incredible journey that has shaped you.

With enduring resolve,

Rebecca

Also Known as Me 10 years from now.
I hope you have a whole lot more memories now. I still have mostly stories. I don’t regret them though. That’d be a sad thing to do, regret the core things that made you who you are. No matter how much, this man’s struggles are of his own making.
I hope we are working on visiting different countries now. Redo Spain and Greece. I know we don’t remember much of it other than driving super bikes at speeds that were way too fast for our own good.
We started our sober tour of the 50 states earlier this summer. Quite impressive if you ask me, four states in 2 months. Beats the half we been to before, and we don’t remember a whole lot from those either.
Do we have that summer home in the Pacific Northwest yet? I hope you still remember that night we spent on the side of the road looking at the stars in the redwoods.
If my math is right, you should have been a teacher for 8 years now. Took us long enough to get through school when we felt pretty good about some pretty bad living for all that time. Crazy that a 16-year-old who drove 90 miles an hour with bikers 15 years older, is now in charge of preparing the youth to live among society. We were never any good at that at that age.
Do we have that book yet? I’m sure I held that process up, too. Took ten years off from writing because of too much time feeling pretty good about some pretty bad living. Lots of content though, I’m sure. From what others have told us.
I found out recently I can travel and go do things by myself. That kept me from going to the beach, or to the river, or hiking. I hope you are catching up on all that I made us miss out on.
I’m sorry for what I put you through. I know I didn’t set you up a whole lot for a good life. I do hope you remember that this was my first time on this earth. I know it is yours also.
Happy ten years sober, Love,

Hey you!
I wanted to let you know you are doing a great job in your life. Your getting things done and making things happening for yourself, kicking ass and taking names. Your mother and father are still together which is endearing and you sister is going to college, you have the best relationship with her.
You’ve went to school as well what a feat! You graduated and became a forensic psychologist, and look at your body it is amazing, What have you been doing!?
How are your kiddos doing? They must be getting big. Your son has also been to college, he’s a great kid! Your daughter what a beautiful young lady she’s 13 now and made high honors in school.
You are so lucky,You have no family drama…
Danielle, Your mom and dad raised you right, You’re a great mom yourself. always tending to your children making sure they have everything they need. The farm house you live in is gorgeous, and it’s so emaculate how do you do it all and keep it together without losing your sanity, You’ve always been a patient person so that’s not hard to believe. I wish I had The luck you have, always winning on the lottery, man… you have it made!

Dear little Kim,

If you only knew then, what I know now, you would have…

rested- MORE & worried- less
played- MORE & strove- less
laughed- MORE & cried- less
slept- MORE & tossed- less
received- MORE & pleased- less
accepted- MORE & controlled- less
stood- MORE & clung- less
celebrated- MORE & criticized- less
believed- MORE & doubted- less

but you couldn’t know then, what I know now; you could only MORE & less… survive

Love,

You’re perfect just the way you are.
Such a cliche that has made it thus far.
Who would I be without all the stigmas?
A sexy, fierce chick without bodies to count.
A million dollar female not asking for handouts.
Names of a breeder b**** or rag for bodily fluids will be silenced.
A deeper meaning to a survivor embedded.
Laying down my armor, replaced by unity.
Revolution is near.
Remove all the anxiety when I take the stage.
Perhaps, I am eager for the outcome they say.
Postpartum will no longer haunt me, the demons in my head no longer taunt me.
Full of life with only angels guiding me, rather than fighting the noise from the negativities trying to down me.
Still always picking the yang.
To boot as a woman, we’re the yin, so a little bird sang.
Titles given by man would be thrown out.
In this ideal world full of bliss.
Every worry taken care of.
A village for my littles.
No more irritability that cripples.
Don’t you change a thing, beautiful celestial being.
Fix your mindset to attract these things.
So the little bird sings.
Remember, you’re perfect just the way you are.
A cliche that has made it thus far.

Jamell,

From a young age, you were gifted and special and you didn’t even know it. At age 13, you wrote your first poem. While it was writing that rhymed, the one thing you didn’t know was that it was going to take you to places you never thought.

You spent your life loving sports, having a passion for it like no other. From basketball to football and baseball, watching and going to games from your younger years all the way until now. You went to college and majored in mass media communications which is television production and media. Your big goal was to be on television, the big names like ESPN, CBS or FOX.

You graduated college and went on to work for the National Basketball Association along with Major League Baseball Advanced Media. By the time you got into those companies, the landscape of the sports industry had significantly changed.

On September 11, 2001, you watched the twin towers fall from your college dorm room with your roommate in horror. At the age of 18, your freshman year of college, you had no idea the falling of those two buildings would change the corporate world until this very day as you’re typing this letter.

The next phase of your life would take you into sales at the NBA Store and then moving onto the Converse store while being a basketball referee for an adult sports league for over seven years. The goal was to make it somewhere in sports as the dream of making it in television was starting to fade.

The YouTube sports channel you had, you left alone after your laptop crashed and you knew it was time for a restart. Your love for sports was still there and if you can just get yourself into a sports company on the corporate side, that would personify that you made it. It would be the pinnacle of your success in life.
After leaving the sales space, you would venture into the corporate office of the adult sports league you referee basketball for and split time between their office and running up and down a basketball court four days a week. The money was good but you had no full-time status, no health benefits and you were basically a wrong injury from having huge medical bills.

When you weren’t hired full-time after giving your all to the company for seven years, it was time to figure out what was next in your life. Sometimes we never know what will happen in our lives but writing was what I was supposed to be doing all along.

GOD told me, “I let you have your fun in sports, it’s time to do what I need you to and write books.” The message was clear and I started my journey of writing books while stepping back into the medical field as a full-time job.

Social issues were always something you were immersed in, concerned about and as I watched the world crumble in front of me from racial issues to domestic violence and a myriad of other things, there was a need to write stories. Stories that would impact others and start conversations not just between family and friends but strangers too.

It was a road less traveled, writers and authors have a thankless job in telling stories, some make it big, some do well and some fade off into the sunset when things get tough. But the ideas were coming non-stop for content to write.

You would start your writing journey writing about men’s social issues, then shift into police brutality and corruption. Along the way, you’d read articles on writing book series and standalone books and then the light bulb would go off.

You first book, “The Struggles and Growth of a Man” would turn into a five book series, along with “Code Blue” and “The World We Live In,” before you would pivot to writing standalone books such as “America Under Mind Control,” “America, A Country Divided,” and many others.

As the years would progress, you would shift into the podcast space? Who would’ve thought that your voice can motivate and inspire others, you would have a voice to share your experiences as an author and sharing thoughts that are on your mind.

You’re three years in and over 300 podcasts published to the world. You’ve built two websites, one for your books and one for your podcast which is something that not many have done. Along with that, you’ve published 52 books in nearly 8 years and are almost at your goal and contract with GOD to publish 60 books.

Let’s not forget you stepped out of your comfort zone and moved across the country from New York to Phoenix, on your own, everything paid for and taken care of by you. You’ve accomplished so much in your life and it becomes surreal after a while.

You were one of the first in your generation in your family to go to college and graduate on time. You were one of few who moved across the country, published a book, have two websites running efficiently and have impacted and changed so many people’s lives.

You’re only 40 years old, you’re just beginning your journey and you have a long way to go. You’re not satisfied, but you’re fulfilled in what you’re doing. You work tirelessly to get your books noticed and while that takes a lot of time, patience, energy and effort, you have the D’s in place.

You have a dream, drive, determination, dedication and discipline, words that you instilled in yourself early on. Your mother always told you to work your butt off and the results will show for itself. She’s worked for one company for 34 years and counting, it’s a rarity in today’s world of people moving from one company to the next.

She’s your main supporter and guiding light in all of this. She’s the one you share all of your crazy ideas with and after a while, she can’t keep up with all that you’re doing. You have grace for her as the ideas continually keep coming and there was a moment where she looked at your 12 book series in “Alphabet City” and was astonished at what you’ve written.

Mom would sit in the kitchen island area on a stool and read the synopsis of the 12 book series and look at me thinking, “this is my kid writing this stuff?” A few years back, a coworker of hers who’s very spiritually in tune with people told my mom, “Jamell is going to do big things and impact a lot of people in the world.” That’s probably the moment it set in for my mom.

Jamell, your journey took you down a road less traveled and one you surely didn’t expect. Your love/hate relationship with writing poetry has turned into 52 prose books on social issues that when it reaches the hands it’s supposed to, it’s going to change the landscape of the world.

You always knew you were destined for something big in life. That you wouldn’t be confined to a desk job for 40+ years of your life. You would learn that you’re an empath, an old soul from a past lifetime that most wouldn’t know even existed.

When you can vibe out alone, conserve your energy and listen to different genres of music, you’re just cut from a different cloth. You’ve learned alot about yourself, made a few bad investments into your book promotion journey but you live and you learn.

All I can say is to keep going, keep pushing and striving for greatness. Don’t let anyone or anything stop you from achieving all that you want in life. Don’t lose your life and continue to have the 6 G’s, GOD, Goals, Growth, Grind, Greatness, and Gratitude.

Continue to have the passion, love and zest for life. Your time is coming, continue to love the journey when you started at age 32. Always remember, you’re one of the chosen ones to impact people and the world. Be good to yourself and the results will soon show…

Love,
Jamell Crouthers

Dear Retro Me,

Let me begin by expressing my deep concern and pondering over the path we have taken. It seems as though the memories of who I envisioned you to be have slipped away from my grasp. It’s as if I find myself trapped in a moment of profound sadness and confusion, finding solace only in the bittersweet realm of reminisce, where thoughts of you become reminiscent of the ill-fated love story of Romeo and Juliet.

In this contemplative state, I question the purpose behind this toxic love that urges us to end it all, but for what reason? Can I truly comprehend how to handle our relationship, my beloved? It seems that in my endeavor to provide you with what you desire, I have inadvertently denied you of what you truly need, direction. Perhaps my actions and the choices I made have left you with a sense of melancholy, causing you to move on from me by the time this letter reaches you. I roll around, unable to shake off the sadness that my words, laced with regret, impose upon you.

You, my dear, embody the quintessential muse, yearning to break free from the shackles of my ignorance. Yet, it is the stubbornness and pride of a scared man that keeps your exquisite beauty hidden from the world, denying them the privilege of beholding your magnificence. In my denial of the reality I have created, I question whether the love I have entangled us in is truly what we deserve, or if it is overshadowed by the responsibility I carry as a person. Sometimes, I find myself revering my concepts as if they were a separate entity from you, failing to acknowledge that your existence is a testament to my own creation and influence. It seems that the laws and expectations I have imposed upon you fall on ears that have become deaf to the significance they once held.

I feel ashamed for what I attributed to you is nearly impossible for me to reach and grasp a hold of. Dearly beloved you are the greatest achievement one can possibly attain, and I have always been a foot or two behind your shadow. Reaching for the acknowledgment of your presence in my heart’s ambitions, yet I have sunken deep within the pool of potentiality. Never to answer the old question of will I ascend to be the Superman I created in my childhood dreams?

If you still here in this present moment reading this letter answer me. Please give me the wisdom that a man needs to surrender.

Love always,
The outer you to present you

He told me his favorite features of mine are the people pleasing characteristics-
to which I replied, “do you really not understand how awful that is?”
And maybe it’s not all bad
But when you give because you know
it will all be taken from you anyways
is it really giving?
How am I supposed to feel hearing
the defense mechanism I’ve been fighting away
since it’s caused much more harm than health
is still the only thing determining my worth?
I’ve tread the fine line between generosity
and apathy for so long
that it’s become one in the same for me
and it’s hard to recognize myself as a good person
Maybe my giving and bowing to him
is genuine
and he recognizes that
and it softens his gaze
and he ends up better for it
Or maybe he sees the value in
this manifestation
and how easily it can be
manipulated
The former is my bedrock
The latter is a perspective built on the
idea that history always repeats itself
There are still Nazis in America
I once compared love to treason in metaphor
if that gives you any idea
I was raised in faith but I have none
I found comfort in the virtues taught in Sunday School
I didn’t love Jesus but I loved my grandma
despite how annoyingly her hands would prod at me as she fixed me up
or just to remind me she was there
There was a time for me when unconditional love was pure;
when compassion was from my heart
and I didn’t think about whether or not
I’d be loved if not complying
or whether I’d be left behind either way
Little girl, oh how I admire you
It seems I had it all right in the beginning

I wish he would’ve just told me I’m pretty. Or something like that.

Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.