He told me his favorite features of mine are the people pleasing characteristics-
to which I replied, “do you really not understand how awful that is?”
And maybe it’s not all bad
But when you give because you know
it will all be taken from you anyways
is it really giving?
How am I supposed to feel hearing
the defense mechanism I’ve been fighting away
since it’s caused much more harm than health
is still the only thing determining my worth?
I’ve tread the fine line between generosity
and apathy for so long
that it’s become one in the same for me
and it’s hard to recognize myself as a good person
Maybe my giving and bowing to him
is genuine
and he recognizes that
and it softens his gaze
and he ends up better for it
Or maybe he sees the value in
this manifestation
and how easily it can be
manipulated
The former is my bedrock
The latter is a perspective built on the
idea that history always repeats itself
There are still Nazis in America
I once compared love to treason in metaphor
if that gives you any idea
I was raised in faith but I have none
I found comfort in the virtues taught in Sunday School
I didn’t love Jesus but I loved my grandma
despite how annoyingly her hands would prod at me as she fixed me up
or just to remind me she was there
There was a time for me when unconditional love was pure;
when compassion was from my heart
and I didn’t think about whether or not
I’d be loved if not complying
or whether I’d be left behind either way
Little girl, oh how I admire you
It seems I had it all right in the beginning

I wish he would’ve just told me I’m pretty. Or something like that.