When we talk about those we have lost it doesn’t have to mean someone has died physically, rather someone you have lost connection with or someone that decided to leave you mentally.
I chose this topic because this relationship that I no longer have with my mother has impacted me greatly in my life,
This was not my decision by any means but people have different reasons for things that they do.
I have not seen heard or talked to my mother in 27 years it seems like a travesty but in actuality it’s probably a good thing.
A little backstory:
My mother has always been into hard drugs as long as I can remember I remember crawling on the floor through needles in my diapers and I remember the (tax man) she called him coming to her house a couple times a week with a briefcase. God only knows what was in that briefcase. As I grew up I remember my mother getting taken out on a stretcher by the ambulance and police for what I have no idea I was probably about 6 years old, My mother had a lot of mental health issues along with the drug use, My grandmother ended up sectioning her a few times I can remember bringing her to the hospital and watching her fight, kick, punch and bite The orderlies it took five to assist in getting hurt tied down in the bed so she wouldn’t hurt anyone for herself anymore. Know that I’m grown and I look back at these instances on baffled at how a mother can let her child see and hear and witness all of these things at such a young age it breaks my heart but I’ve learned to cope. I don’t think you can ever cope fully to a situation like this flashbacks always happen for me I have PTSD and night terrors about things that used to happen I remember being woken up at 2:00 in the morning when I was 5 to be told that we had to get out of the house and go live somewhere else (We were living with my mother’s boyfriend at the time)
This happened on a number of occasions with different men. I went to a new school every year back and forth to my mom and dad’s never had a stable place.
I do feel bad for her she missed out on so much of her life as well as mine But I do not feel bad taking my sanity back and getting myself well. Like they say when you’re at the bottom of the barrel there’s no where else to go but up so you just got to keep trucking everybody has their own faults and decisions that they have to make. I do believe drugs obviously have a hand in all of this but I don’t believe that she didn’t have the option not to get involved with it those are our own decisions to make and the path we choose does impact others and to not think of it that way is selfish. For my sake in my kids sake I chose to break the ties with her she scares me And I don’t want my kids to ever feel like I did around her so they also have never met her. I feel like I want to miss her but I also feel like that’s letting my guard down and I’m so hyper-sensitive to not becoming her I know I’m not her and I know I don’t make these decisions that she makes and I know that I love my children and would never put them in harm’s way I just can’t wrap my head around The situation still I’m 41 years old now and I’m not involved in heavy drugs I do what I need to do to survive and I’ve got a pretty level-head on my shoulders so I guess I can thank her for that, but as for showing me how to be a mother I will take the credit for that
With all this in mind I guess the lesson learned is no one to walk away when you’re getting into deep your mental health is not worth it and the detrimental aftermath it does to everybody else
So again I’d like to say goodbye to my mother. that part of my life is over thank God.

The night’s fading darkness
Is illuminated by filaments that glimmers
With piercing reddish hues
Into a horizon of fading darkened blues.

With each touch of brilliant, glinting light
The scenery is transformed, bright
As a white pigeon in heightened flight,
Soaring, like Icarus, too near the sun’s slight

Heat that tenderly caresses its feathery
Wings across all living things, bravely
Broaching the new day optimistically,
Knowing that man’s destruction will invariably

Alter the breathtaking beauty of sunrise,
Twisting its vibrancy into shades
Of tenebrous grey, colorless, and lifeless,
As everything becomes hopeless.

Let each new day be your oath
To be stronger than the sun’s breadth,
As you emulate its depth
Of strength, that reigns above all in stealth.

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear Mr. —

Did you know the NFL’s Ryan Grant also participated in basketball and track and field during his time at Don Bosco Prep School in New Jersey? Did you know the NBA’s Adonal Foyle still holds the record in New York for most points in a high school tournament game? Did you know former Suffern High School girls’ lacrosse star Crysti Foote is a member of the Canadian National Team and is recognized as one of the best female players in the world? Inspired by the commitment and passion all great athletes demonstrate, I know both the technicalities of sports and interesting facts about the athletes themselves, which is why I believe if I become a reporter for MSG Varsity I will be a powerful conduit between the athletes and the tri-state community. I will ask questions the viewers want to know and receive honest answers from athletes who respect my knowledge.

My confidence in my future success is based on the achievements of my past as well as my present occupation. As a young 21-year-old college graduate, I began writing for NBA.com and WNBA.com. With my own swagger, I entered NBA and WNBA locker rooms to interview athletes double my size among journalists twice my age. Publishing hundreds of articles and blogs on NBA.com, WNBA.com, D-league.com, NikeWomen.com, and WomensProSoccer.com, I have also had my fair share of on-air opportunities. Currently, I am a co-host for On the Mike With Mike Sherman, a weekly entertainment, lifestyle, and sports show that airs on a CBS affiliate (My33) in South Florida. Last season, when the 49ers took on the Giants in New Jersey, I was there to interview athletes and report back on the night’s events for CBS’ San Francisco affiliate. I have reported local news on Long Island and worked as a sports reporter for Artsis Media, where I shot, edited, wrote, and produced all my own stories.

Throughout my tenure at Columbia University, I majored in sociology and focused on the sociological impact of sports. Through my 40-plus page senior thesis, I discovered that to have longevity and acceptance as a female sports reporter, you must be a sports connoisseur yourself. Voted biggest jock in my high school senior superlatives, I have lived, breathed, and loved sports throughout my life. I believe if given a chance I will be recognized and respected by the sports world for telling compelling stories and conducting in-depth thought-provoking interviews. In other words, I’m a talented young recruit with an All-American future and would love to help the MSG Varsity team work its way to the top of the game.

Sincerely,

The lion lays quietly atop an overhanging hill.
He waits, watches in the vain fervor that his prey
Will come to him in deadly night like a diet pill
That will stop his hunger and permit his teeth to stay
Sharp, glistening white, creating a shiver of fear
Of their ferocity and ability to tear apart an arm,
Or important extremities that flash their spear
Of speed trying to outrun the King.

The atmosphere of fear is so authentic
That I can feel the lion’s eyes shifting silently,
Watching guardedly, waiting patiently to pounce happily
On his unsuspecting prey. His jaws are cave like
In their imposing strength and force of bite.

Never fear the lion, for you know he attacks
To survive, not for pleasure.
Fear those who appear like sheep, but are
More serpent or fox, for their poisons
Attack the soul and destroy lives as if doing you favors.
©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

It never occurred to me that I was considered mentally ill or sick I never thought of myself like that I guess I am I’ve come to terms with that It’s a hard pill to swallow literally taking them everyday to feel normal feel like my life has been taken away from me. It’s like living in someone else’s shoes It’s not really you until it really is I have bipolar disorder and anxiety as well as depression just imagine how many pills it takes six for me a day I feel like my life is not mine anymore there’s a pill to keep you happy there’s a pill to calm me down there’s a pill to put you to sleep there’s a pill to wake you up in the morning It’s like you’re living by someone else’s standards I hate it I struggle with it everyday I don’t tell people I’m sick because it’s embarrassing I know what they think of me It’s like I have a disease but it’s like the diseases made up to people because mental issues are not seen as a “real”problem unless you could physically see it it’s a cop out it’s a crutch some people say.
If I could only make these feelings and this hurt gone I would. I hate feeling like this I hate feeling caged in with nowhere to run No one to talk to who understands, sometimes it’s hard to put it in words sometimes I wish I could telepathically communicate my feelings to people without having to say or find the words.

I wanted to write an introduction to this piece because this is not about one, it’s about a few of my family members that have passed.

To the lost and the lonely:
When I think of you I think of all of the obstacles that you’ve overcome in Your short life and the inspiration and sadness you left behind. Every one of you have inspired me whether it be suicide or a drug overdose I wonder, You checked out early. the Saddened reality of life starts to wash over your emotions, comes in slowly but fiercely Your conscience tells you no, but your mental state overpowers, give me one good reason why I had to stay here when you all took the easy way out and were able to let yourself be free finally. It’s not an honor to live anymore, You are honored in death they’ll whisper at your funeral, “how could she do that to her own children” “why didn’t anybody say anything”The blame, the grief, the sadness, the regret what could have been and what actually was.
Did it feel freeing at the bridge where you decided to take the inevitable dive? Did all your memories come flashing before your eyes like they say? Or was it just a jump into nice cold water letting go of everything you couldn’t stop?
Did you choke on all the pills that you took? were you able to feel any remorse before it took you over? did you think about your family before the inevitable? were you able to realize what you You couldn’t before? did you feel safe? were you cold?
Did you ever think that someone would be writing this about you thinking about you wondering you’re feelings maybe you thought no one wondered before I can only imagine what courage it took for you to take the final jump or injest the last pill that did you in. Do you feel the same about things now that you’ve passed do you have any regrets where do you think this was the best thing for you. Sometimes I contemplate doing the same but suicide and overdoses are made for people who are scared to face their problems maybe I am afraid Would anybody stop me? Would anybody care? Or would people just say they already knew that this was going to happen to me, because of the turmoil I grew up with Time does carry on when we don’t I guess it’s stronger than us It’s the only thing that keeps going when everything else stops.

I’m all alone walking and I’m stoned feel the night rise behind my back I’ve got a flashlight but it’s still black
I think it’s lack of comprehension but I’m not sure there’s no simple way that I can cure the tension
Intervention, still alone hanging by a thread on the edge of the world
Oh, did I forget to mention
My dear you’ve gone to far
It was a slight intention by
Regression, back to basics
Stay to listen to my submission
While I revise my inclination.

This weekend, I was standing on top of a hill with a fortress and a lighthouse that overlooked the Mediterranean Sea in a small beach town in Spain called Tossa De Mer. It was absolutely breathtaking. And I never even heard of this place before we arrived. All I could think was, “How in the world did I get here?”

Flashback five years ago, I was at a job in Ohio, and I was not particularly happy for many reasons. Guided by a strong intuition (and maybe my misery as well), I left my career as a sportscaster to start my own company, theunsealed.com. We are a platform that allows people to share personal stories in an effort to use writing to transform pain into power. If you know me, you know The Unsealed fuels my soul. It makes me excited to wake up in the morning and fills my life with meaning and purpose. For the first three years after starting my company, I worked every single day – most of the time, ten hours a day. No vacations. No days off. And I was perfectly happy doing so.

Personally, I have always enjoyed dating and the attention that comes with it, but after two very serious relationships in my early and mid-twenties, for a long time, I didn’t want anything serious. I always feared that a relationship would and could hold me back, especially when I was a sportscaster, and I didn’t know what city or what job would be next. However, as I became more certain that The Unsealed was what I wanted to do and could do with my life, I became cautiously more open to the idea of a partnership.

Then, after the pandemic, my brother sent me an online flyer for an event. It was called Miami Tech Night; a networking event held every Wednesday in Miami for people who work in tech. My brother thought it would be a great opportunity for me to meet people in my industry. So, as I usually do, I followed my brother’s advice. It was maybe my second or third time attending when this tall, handsome man approached me and asked me what I did for a living. I happily told him, and then he shared a little bit about his career. As we chatted more and more, he revealed that he had started a successful online business in his 20s and sold it. I was impressed, intrigued, and inspired. He invited me to my favorite taco spot down the street to continue the conversation after the event. We quickly realized we had similar interests and family values.

From there, we started spending time together almost daily. Every week seemed to get better and better. So, one day, about three months into our relationship, I suggested getting away from Miami for a few weeks during the summer. Summers are so hot, muggy, and humid in Miami. I proposed L.A., and he said he had wanted for a while to take this massive three-month trip to Europe. He asked if I would be willing to come along. In theory, it sounded amazing, but I needed to work! Plus, leaving my dog for that long would not be easy for me.

My parents agreed to watch my dog, and my boyfriend promised me I could work as much as I wanted on the trip. He’s been where I am, so he gets it. I agreed to go, and for the first time maybe ever, I am figuring out how to have a work-life balance, waking up early to work before we go out for an excursion, and finding cafes in every city to continue to put in at least eight hours every weekday. Instead of resenting me, my boyfriend pushes me to wake up early and goes to play tennis when he doesn’t have his own work to get done.

At night and on the weekends, when we have time, we have the most incredible experiences exploring the world together, visiting castles in Portugal, wandering the Gothic Quarter in Barcelona, and getting lost in the public transportation system somewhere in Europe (super grateful to the restaurant owner who called us a taxi).

There is no way if you told me five years ago I would be here right now, I would believe you. But as I sit in a cafe in Spain and reflect, I realize I don’t know exactly where my life is headed, but I do know how I got where I am right now. And that is by personally and professionally following my heart.

With love,
Lauren

P.S. Special shoutout to my boyfriend – thank you for believing in me, pushing me, loving me, and inspiring me. And thank you for speaking three languages. We certainly would get far more lost otherwise!

As a kid, I was adventurous, riding rollercoasters at age five, going on a plane by myself at seven, and willing to travel just about anywhere up through my college years. I am not sure if it was the pandemic or the tragedies we see daily in the news, or maybe just me getting older, but somehow, along my journey, my fearless spirit began to fade.

In April, my boyfriend (of just a few months at the time) proposed a trip of a lifetime, three months of traveling all over Europe while working remotely. In theory, it sounded amazing. I went to Europe in my teens and early 20s and loved it. But three months is a long time away from my family and dog, and Europe feels so distant from home. I was scared to go.

Nonetheless, knowing how much my boyfriend wanted to travel and how wonderful an opportunity and privilege this trip truly is, I agreed to go with him. However, during the three weeks leading up to the trip, I had two separate back spasms/herniated discs, and, for the first time in my life, I fainted and hit my head pretty hard. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe not. But I definitely felt very anxious.

Once we made it to our apartment in Barcelona, Spain, I felt slightly more at ease. So far, we’ve walked for miles and miles along the beach, not knowing where we were going or what we wanted to do. We’ve tried delicious food that was possibly worth the ensuing stomachache. And I have attempted to speak and understand a language I do not know. All the while, my boyfriend and I are beginning to learn more about each other’s quirks as we fully live together for the first time.

As I sit here writing in a cafe in Barcelona, eating new food, working on The Unsealed, and listening to various languages in a city I don’t know very well at all, I am now hopeful that getting a little lost in this world will help me find a part of myself that I thought was long gone.

A Labyrinth of life and living
Flies by with the passing minutes,
Striving to leave imprints,
That are positive in their fleeting

Flight, that they can’t be bound.
Imprisoned by labels, categories,
Races, and groups that astound
In their versatility, but not humanities.

I’ve lived in this labyrinth of life,
Where negativity was the succor
Given by some of my entourage, that’s rife
With jealousy, bias, and is a bereaver.

They suck out the optimism and
Joy of life out of each stupendous second,
That you fear drowing in the labyrinth
Of fiery destruction that steals your breath.

Instead, let the minutia of the labyrinth
Turn into an adventurous life in stealth.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

I watch as she pirouettes,
Her dress, a parachute, flies
In waves to her flutters.

Her sensual beauty attracts
An audience, not for her moves,
But for the supplication in her eyes.

They shine with an inner peace
That translates into a pace
Shinier than the purest diamond face.

My gaze is glued to her flexible
Limbs that have divined that the rain bubble
Ensconces her in a world where trouble

Is an abstract concept she’s never
Experienced, as her innocent cover
Protects her as she adds prayer to the dancer.

As her body flows, swings, undulates,
She hears titters on her esthetics.
She says: ‘Believe in a faith that provides
Truth and dares to challenge lies.’

They then turn away and bicker,
Having forgotten why she was a riveting picture.

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

I loved you before you saw me, before our eyes locked, when we shared a heartbeat. I dreamed of you. I imagined what you would look like when I held you in my arms for the first time. I never realized that I would have to break our bond so that you could thrive.
You see, I had a monster that followed me. He broke my heart and he broke my bones.
My spirit was the last to go when he attacked my beautiful dreams of raising you with your brothers and sister. The very thought of the monster finding us, and involving you, drove a sword deep into my chest and pierced my heart. Your innocence had to be protected. I searched my soul and found you a promising Mother and Father.
I knew they would protect you, that they would teach you to be the best man there ever is/ was. I trusted them to love you, and to honor our precious bond. Things turned out so terribly wrong for me. I’m deeply grateful that everything is amazing for you. Except that my heart broke into a thousand mini pieces the day that I had to say goodbye to you. In the rain, as they wheeled me out of the hospital holding your car seat so close to my heart your beautiful eyes locked onto mine. I felt so ashamed. I loved you so much my beautiful Son. I handed you over to your the wonderful man that was to become your Father. I believe in that moment, I felt my heart snap. You started to cry, and suddenly everything I thought I was doing that was right felt so terribly wrong. I think that it was the breaking of what had been our bond. I never saw you again. They had to move far away, and they told me that they would let me be a part of your life, but you still do not know me. I only receive pictures of you on Christmas, and sometimes your birthday. I never quite understood how a heart could be broken by a situation, yet coming to a realization of the situation being a blessing in disguise would make it whole again.
That will make no sense at all to many, all that matters is that I know what I am saying. It’s not an “adoption” they are your guardians, yet they are your Mother, and Father to me. However; You are still my Son too. I don’t want to confuse you so I stay far away. I open your pictures when I receive them, and I pray. I hope that one day, you will understand that they needed you, and WE needed them. I am kind of your mother, I love you more that you will ever know. I just hope our bond is strong enough that you will not be harmed by my decision to give you the world while mine was quaking and crumbling with fear and unstableness. They gave you everything that I could not. I love you…