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  • jenawrites shared a letter in the Group logo of PoetryPoetry group 5 months, 2 weeks ago

    Who am I?

    Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?

    Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?

    Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?

    Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?

    Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?

    Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?

    Who am I?

    I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.

    I am light, even with the shadow.
    I am love, even with the heaviness.
    I am peace, even with the chaos.

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    • In life, we are so many things, and experience so many different things. You are a wonderful person with a beautiful heart. And that is what is woven into every aspect of your story on this journey we call life. <3 Lauren

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    • This was such a powerful. The imagery caught my attention right away. Thank you for reminding the world of what it means to be human. Thank you for sharing your work.

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  • Thank you so much Lauren!!! your comments and kind words are always so inspiring and encouraging. I always feel so good after I write, and I know I keep saying it but I definitely want to write more and keep staying inspired and inspiring others! I am so happy to be part of this community! <3

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  • Seek it, Be it.

    Wishes of world peace and overwhelming compassion
    Get drowned out by social media trends and fashion
    Big dreams of empathy and understanding
    Destroyed by attitudes that are entitled and demanding
    Thoughts of self-love and confidence rising from within
    Then the judgments and rude comments start coming in

    When you’re satisfied with yourself and your mind
    You recognize what matters is being warm-hearted and kind
    When you do what brings you that childlike happiness
    The negativity around you begins to digress
    Your mindset and actions make up your universe
    When you focus on yourself, you break the curse

    Filling your own cup first may sound selfish
    But the energy you give to yourself allows you to be selfless
    As you acknowledge and release your internal judgements
    It is easier to make connections and commitments
    When we can all connect and open our hearts to one another
    This is when we can heal and learn to self-discover

    Human beings are meant to change and evolve
    There will always be obstacles and problems to solve
    The more you take care of your mind and soul
    The resilience will build, and you’ll enter a state of flow
    In this beautiful world, the only constant is change
    As you step into the magic of love, what happens next is strange

    You start to see others with love and empathy
    You understand why someone sees things differently
    Although you may have different opinions and lives
    Similarities and experiences allow the connection to thrive
    When we all connect with a common goal for good
    The universe will make sure it all happens as it should

    This world desires to be full of love and connection
    The world does not want us to strive for perfection
    The world needs people who are vulnerable and open
    The world needs less of resentment and hearts that are broken
    One of the greatest things we can do is spread our light
    So, to be the change I wish to see, I am committed to spreading mine

    Jena

    Voting is open!

    Voting ends July 31, 2024 12:00am

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    • awwww JENA, This is so so so so good. You are most certainly the light that the world needs, and you just keep getting brighter and brighter. I agree the more we heal and take care of ourselves, the more we can serve and change the world. Thank you for sharing this incredibly beautiful poem. You are truly a gift to the world (and our community).…read more

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      • Thank you so much Lauren!!! your comments and kind words are always so inspiring and encouraging. I always feel so good after I write, and I know I keep saying it but I definitely want to write more and keep staying inspired and inspiring others! I am so happy to be part of this community! <3

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  • Aww thank you so much, Kayjah! I appreciate you taking the time to read my poem. I am excited to enjoy the year and work on my relationship with myself. I read kind words like yours and it reminds me that I need to say kind things to myself more often. I find myself in self-doubt often, but I am learning more about myself and slowly breaking through this imposter syndrome! I appreciate your support and am sending you so much love! I’m sure 2023 will be so good to you!

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  • The Strength Within

    There is a grieving process that comes with healing that isn’t often talked about, but I think it should be. Coming to a place where you can see yourself without judgement, even if it is for a fleeting moment, is something magical; but stepping into that space when you never thought you’d get there is an entirely different experience. Although I am happy to be at a place where I feel present and grateful in my life, when I look back on that young girl whose nervous system was in such a hyperactive state that she was never present to create many memories, my heart aches for her. I can’t help but grieve the loss of that time and those memories.

    I lost years of my life to anxiety, to a constant state of trying to protect myself from everything in the world, while trying to appear as perfect as possible to avoid any conflict or hate, as I already had enough of that going on internally. I lived my life for other people, whether it was me constantly saying “yes” when I truly meant “no,” or over-extending myself to make sure I was liked by everyone. I always thought that I was too annoying or too anxious and crazy for anyone to want to deal with. I also felt like my anger was uncontrollable sometimes and I had no idea how to deal with it, and since I had zero understanding about my brain or mental health, I just internalized all of my problems and my self-esteem continued to diminish.

    I’d have constant breakdowns and my boyfriend would be there to pick me up off the floor…I felt so helpless. I remembered looking at up at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurting out: “I just don’t know why I’m not happy! I have you, I have my cats, our apartment, my job… why don’t I feel happy?” I even tear up now as I write this, because I can almost feel that same emptiness in my chest in this moment of remembering it. I didn’t understand why I felt this way, and why I was treating the person I loved the most in unloving ways. After years of being completely against anti-depressants, I started my google search for psychiatrists who were in-network with my insurance and proceeded made my appointment. I honestly was under the impression that they were like psychologists who could prescribe medication if they felt it was necessary, but this one talked to me for about fifteen minutes and prescribed me Zoloft.

    I want to say that I truly believe medication saved my life, and I don’t think I could have done the healing I did without it, but Zoloft was not the one for me. To be fair, I did say I wanted to turn off the overwhelming flares of emotion that took me over so often, but once I actually felt like I had no emotions, I quickly changed my mind about that. This was only the start of a long journey of being on and off medications until I finally decided to get back on a new medication and truly dedicated time to working on my mental health. I knew the medications were just a “Band-Aid”, and if I ever wanted to be able to feel regulated without them, I would need to get to the root cause of the issue.

    That dedication took a lot of courage, and I can truly say that I my strength today comes from the fact that in my absolute lowest time in life, I was able to see a hopeful future where I could live with my anxiety, and I decided to take steps to work towards it. Not only that, but as I continue to progress through life, I am actively working on practicing “non-judgement” with myself and learning to love all of me as I continue to grow and evolve. I also find strength in my openness about my mental health, as I know how horrible it felt to be alone in my chaotic mind. Being open and vulnerable with the world is to show everyone that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that everyone goes through their own traumas and has their own healing to do, and I feel that we all need to give ourselves a little more grace as we navigate through this unpredictable life.

    Today I feel strong as I am able to share my story publicly, and I am a lot more confident as I work towards being my best self. I feel strong that I have learned how to take criticism and understand not to take things personally. I feel strong in the fact that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and that I only know what is best for me and my life. I feel strong knowing that I will forever be growing and evolving and it is okay to change my mind and/or perspective. Overall, I feel strong knowing that I can truly do anything that I put my effort into, and I believe that is true for all of us.

    Jena

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    • Jena – You DEFINITELY can do anything you put your mind to. As I have mentioned before, I too struggled with anxiety growing up. Starting at five years old, I would get horrible stomachaches and throw up. I think back on my childhood and get sad on how many days I wasted feeling sick when that didn’t have to be the case. But I do my best to learn…read more

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    • Jena, I understand everything that you went through and you are so strong for that. I myself had anxiety and the feeling wasn’t pleasant. I would have series of depression that would lead into anxiety and then I would get severe panic attacks I was prescribed with medication but I didn’t really trust it. I felt like my body would get used to it…read more

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  • It’s been a long journey, but I am finally feeling so much more free. Of course I still have bad days and emotions like the rest of the humans in the world, but I don’t dwell on them and I give myself much more grace. I appreciate you reading the poem and your encouraging words! And I am so grateful for this community!

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    • I am grateful for you. You are such a beautiful human. I have told you this before, but your energy is pure love and kindness. It’s just who you are. You deserve all the joy and happiness in the world. Have a great weekend. <3 Lauren

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  • My Bright Future

    I am so happy to be here writing this to you today, as I know you need to hear this. I can see you struggling as you slowly shed your past self away. I know how painful it can be when you realize all of the time you spent worrying about everything beyond your control, and sometimes it even feels like you’re grieving the loss of your own life. I just want to tell you that all of the work you’re doing is exactly what you need to be doing. I know it is difficult to face old traumas and at times you may feel like giving up, but I promise that you are strong enough to handle all of it.

    You have always known what is best for you; even when you lost that trust in yourself for a while, you still had it deep within you and you always end up back on your path. When you find yourself falling back into spirituality and trusting the divine timing, trust it. The reason you are so drawn to that is because the overall message is true: you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Digging deep into your shadow, seeing your most toxic, dark parts coming out into the light, while learning to see them with non-judgment and compassion is helping you to get closer to your dreams.

    You may find it hard to get into healthy habits and routines, but as you continue on your healing journey, you will discover the exact tools you need to achieve your goals. I know at times it can feel easy to get down on yourself, and it can feel like this is going to be an endless cycle of self-doubt and failure…but just know that you get through everything, and you are thriving. There are times in your life where you may feel like you’re broken, or there is no way you would ever get back to being happy or feeling healed, but please just remember that you are stronger than you think.

    You are the girl who survived living in a home where both of your parents found themselves struggling with alcohol, and you made sure that you got out as soon as you could. You are the girl who knew she had to talk that cute guy in her class junior year, and now you have spent over a decade together happily in love. You are the woman who was able to take her life into her own hands and escape a toxic work environment, even with the fears of taking a pay-cut during a pandemic. You are the woman who signed up to go to therapy and became open-minded to medications in order to help yourself when you needed it. You are the woman who is continuously working through hard truths, healing old wounds, and still showing up every day for me: your future self.

    Your dreams are a result of your hard work and dedication, and you already know the direction you want to go. Keep working towards your current goals and when your intuition keeps bringing you back to something, trust it. Ideas will come and go, and in times where it feels overwhelming, just remember that what is meant to be will be. Just promise me that during hard times, you will always come back to self-love, and that you will continue to give yourself grace. You deserve the happiness that you are striving for, and even during the hardest times, you hold that feeling deep within you. Thank you for all of the work you’re doing to heal, and just know that you will be a stronger, happier person because of it.

    Jena

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    • Jena, you are so incredibly strong, and I can’t say that to you enough. To have the courage to face your pain and do whatever it takes to heal yourself and create a healthy space for yourself is so hard and so race. I hope you always love yourself, and always give yourself grace, because you certainly deserve it. There are so many different…read more

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  • 2023: New year, Confident me

    As I stroll into 2023
    I have high hopes and a positive view
    I think of that phrase: “New year, new me”
    And if I stay focused, that can be true

    It’s not that I want to change who I am
    I am actually starting to love myself
    It’s that I finally see my potential, and damn…
    I deserve a life full of good health and wealth

    I get to decide what I consume
    Both physically and mentally
    And if I eliminate the doom and gloom
    The love and light are what I’ll see

    This year I will put effort into being present
    I will practice the art of letting go
    This year, there is no room for resentment
    I do what pleases me, and I don’t feel guilty saying “no”

    As the years go on, I always remain grateful
    The hard times and life lessons help me grow
    As I get older, I become more graceful
    I stand in my confidence as I go with the flow

    I am happily floating into 2023
    I have faith that all is unfolding as it should
    This year I deserve to focus on me
    And do everything that happy, healthy me would.

    Jena

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    • Jena! Everything about you is pure love and goodness! And I think you are starting to realize that! Let go of all that negativity of the past and bathe in all that makes you so wonderful. Keep loving you and leaning into the happiest and healthiest version of you. Sending so much love your way. Thank you for sharing this poem and thank you for…read more

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      • It’s been a long journey, but I am finally feeling so much more free. Of course I still have bad days and emotions like the rest of the humans in the world, but I don’t dwell on them and I give myself much more grace. I appreciate you reading the poem and your encouraging words! And I am so grateful for this community!

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        • I am grateful for you. You are such a beautiful human. I have told you this before, but your energy is pure love and kindness. It’s just who you are. You deserve all the joy and happiness in the world. Have a great weekend. <3 Lauren

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    • Jena your year is filled with sunshine and I know you’ve got this handled. You have so much potential and such a solid mind that you will be able to reach your goals for this year. Once your let go of all the worries from the past or let go and focus like you said what you consume mentally and physically you’ll be able to knock those goals down.

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      • Aww thank you so much, Kayjah! I appreciate you taking the time to read my poem. I am excited to enjoy the year and work on my relationship with myself. I read kind words like yours and it reminds me that I need to say kind things to myself more often. I find myself in self-doubt often, but I am learning more about myself and slowly breaking…read more

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    • Jena this piece rocks!!! I think this year will be fabulous for you!! You give Me great Xena Warrior Princess vibes and I totally hope you enjoy to the fullest.
      Also… No. Is a complete sentence and I plan to use it often this year as well lol.
      Wishing you well.

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic Poetry 1 year, 1 month ago

    Thank you, Josh! Thank you for reading my poem and I am definitely going to start dedicating more time to writing.

    I thank you for taking time to comment your feedback, and appreciate your kindness!

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic Poetry 1 year, 3 months ago

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem, and I appreciate your kind words. I used to write poetry a lot when I was younger, and I am happy to be getting back into it!

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic Poetry 1 year, 3 months ago

    Thank you so much, Lauren! I appreciate your kind words and feedback and am so happy to have a place to share my poetry and feel welcomed! When I first started writing it, I honestly was writing this as a song, but I don’t play any instruments so I’m not quite sure how to get it to that point yet LOL. maybe one day! in the meantime I’m so happy to share it here and I am glad that you could relate, and hope others do as well!

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    • Very nice poem here. I appreciated the four line stanzas, and the deeply honest self-inquiry. The “too many voices” part coincided with the poems nicely! Looking forward to reading more of yiur work.

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      • Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem, and I appreciate your kind words. I used to write poetry a lot when I was younger, and I am happy to be getting back into it!

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  • jenawrites shared a letter in the Group logo of PoetryPoetry group 1 year, 3 months ago

    Voices

    Deep sorrow and emptiness inside
    When the voices judge and criticize
    Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
    Those ones are the worst kind

    They know all of my flaws
    They remember every single fault
    They’re the reason I stay in bed
    And ignore everyone’s calls

    I started talking back to them
    Told them to shut up and go away
    That only created more chaos
    For me to live in every day

    I talk to myself more than anybody else
    Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
    Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else
    And I don’t want to be in this pain

    Deep confusion, yet hope inside
    When the voices open up and realize
    Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
    Those are the most important kind

    They see all of my flaws
    They forgive every single fault
    They recognize the self-defeating patterns
    And they take time to pause

    I started talking back to them
    Told them they weren’t that bad
    Decided to stop judging myself
    And forgave myself for being mad

    I talk to myself more than anybody else
    Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
    Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else
    And I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain

    Deep alignment and happiness inside
    When the voices listen and empathize
    Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
    Those are the most important kind

    They love all of my flaws
    Compassion is the new default
    They’ve become my new best friends
    And it feels much better than it was

    I started talking back to them
    Told them they’re here to stay
    We are creating a beautiful life
    That I can enjoy every day

    I talk to myself more than anybody else
    Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain
    Is what I focus on more than anybody else
    And nothing would grow without the rain

    Jena

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    • Damn, Jena! This is so good! I think we have all fought with that inner voice that’s filled with self-doubt, fear and criticism. But to dig deep and find the strength, confidence and self love to silence that voice is what it really means to tap into your true power and inner strength. This is so well said, and I think so many people, myself…read more

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      • Thank you so much, Lauren! I appreciate your kind words and feedback and am so happy to have a place to share my poetry and feel welcomed! When I first started writing it, I honestly was writing this as a song, but I don’t play any instruments so I’m not quite sure how to get it to that point yet LOL. maybe one day! in the meantime I’m so happy…read more

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        • Very nice poem here. I appreciated the four line stanzas, and the deeply honest self-inquiry. The “too many voices” part coincided with the poems nicely! Looking forward to reading more of yiur work.

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          • Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem, and I appreciate your kind words. I used to write poetry a lot when I was younger, and I am happy to be getting back into it!

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    • Jenna! It was pleasure to read your work. The structure of your poem really made me want to give my own a more formulaic approach.

      Nevertheless, I enjoyed it a lot and encourage you to keep writing at your behest.

      Cheers.

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      • Thank you, Josh! Thank you for reading my poem and I am definitely going to start dedicating more time to writing.

        I thank you for taking time to comment your feedback, and appreciate your kindness!

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic To the people we love 1 year, 3 months ago

    Thank you so much for reading my letter and also for your kind words! I hope to be a good parent, and I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and that parenting will be a whole learning process in and of itself. I just feel like if I continue to work on myself and mental health, the easier it will be to handle those tough times!

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic Mental Health 1 year, 4 months ago

    Thank you, Lauren! I definitely feel much better than I felt during that post. I remember feeling relief as I was writing it as well, and I love how powerful writing can be. Thank you again for making a safe space for all of us to be able to share!

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  • jenawrites responded to a letter in topic To the people we love 1 year, 4 months ago

    Thank you so much, Lauren! I feel the same way, I think that me knowing what kind of parent I want to be motivates me to become that person! I appreciate your kind words, and I’m happy to be a part of this community <3

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  • Loving Me, Loving You.

    I was hanging out with a good friend of mine the other day, and she asked me something that got me thinking. She said to me: “I’ve noticed the last couple times we hung out that you talk about the future and having kids, is that something you think about a lot?” I sat there for a minute reflecting, and then I responded; I explained to her that I do think about it in the aspect of knowing the person I want to be when I am a mother, as well as the steps I need to take in the meantime before family planning starts. She took in my response and then took the question a bit further by asking if I think I am doing everything I do now for my future children, or if I am doing all of this for myself. Quickly sifting through the thoughts as they rushed in, I realized it may seem like I am living my life for a future that could not even happen (I mean, life doesn’t always go as planned). After a short pause and a breath, I stated that I honestly feel like I am doing this for all of us. I let her know that I am working on being the parent that I wanted as a child, and there are things I know I want to do for my child(ren) that requires my current dedication to my wellbeing, both physically and mentally. I also mentioned that I would be upset if the time came to start a family and I looked back at the past couple years and didn’t see any progress towards my goals. In that regard, I like to keep that on my mind as it keeps me focused on my intentions and values.

    For the past several years, I have been working on my mental health and regulating my emotions. For years I suffered with anxiety; I constantly worried about the worst-case scenarios in every part of my life, I’d often have angry outbursts that were followed by uncontrollable sobbing, and I felt like I had no control over any of my thoughts or feelings. All of this left me with a feeling of hatred toward my brain, and therefore my entire self. I would find myself “people-pleasing,” because I never wanted to let anyone down or feel like a bad friend. Behind the constant saying “yes” when I meant really meant “no,” and over-extending myself to the point of burnout, deep down I did all of these things because I just felt horrible about myself and I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I saw myself. Fortunately, with the help of my therapist and your father (he’s truly the best, I know you’ll love him so much), I have since come to realize that I am not the awful person that my anxiety tricked me into thinking I was, and I am finally learning to love every part of me, including the parts of me that I once despised.

    As I have been on this journey, I have been learning about psychology and how certain events or situations can impact a young child’s brain. I have been learning about how humans coregulate with other people around them, and how important that is when a young child is growing up. I know that if I were to have had you a few years ago, in the midst of my worst anxiety attacks and self-loathing patterns, that would not have been the healthiest environment for you to be in during your early days. As I continue to work on my patience and learning about my mind, oftentimes I about you and your future. I think about you having a calm, content mother who happily lulls you to sleep and is there to comfort you in times when you feel distressed. I think about you witnessing your parents emulating the true meaning of love, and also feeling that same incredible love from us. I think about how I want you to be curious and ask questions and be confident in who you are, even in times when peers or others around you may try to influence you. I think about how there are times where you may not like me so much or I may fail you in some ways, but that I hope as an adult you will be able to understand that I am doing my best and still learning as a human being. So yes, I do think about you a lot, and I do what I do every day for you. There is a well-known quote that reads: “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” so I make an effort every day to make sure I fill my own cup first, so in the future, I can fill yours.

    To my future child(ren), I love you already.

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  • jenawrites shared a letter in the Group logo of Mental HealthMental Health group 1 year, 5 months ago

    This post is viewable by the Unsealed community only.

    Cycles

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  • Loving Me, Loving You.

    I was hanging out with a good friend of mine the other day, and she asked me something that got me thinking. She said to me: “I’ve noticed the last couple times we hung out that you talk about the future and having kids, is that something you think about a lot?” I sat there for a minute reflecting, and then I responded; I explained to her that I do think about it in the aspect of knowing the person I want to be when I am a mother, as well as the steps I need to take in the meantime before family planning starts. She took in my response and then took the question a bit further by asking if I think I am doing everything I do now for my future children, or if I am doing all of this for myself. Quickly sifting through the thoughts as they rushed in, I realized it may seem like I am living my life for a future that could not even happen (I mean, life doesn’t always go as planned). After a short pause and a breath, I stated that I honestly feel like I am doing this for all of us. I let her know that I am working on being the parent that I wanted as a child, and there are things I know I want to do for my child(ren) that requires my current dedication to my wellbeing, both physically and mentally. I also mentioned that I would be upset if the time came to start a family and I looked back at the past couple years and didn’t see any progress towards my goals. In that regard, I like to keep that on my mind as it keeps me focused on my intentions and values.

    For the past several years, I have been working on my mental health and regulating my emotions. For years I suffered with anxiety; I constantly worried about the worst-case scenarios in every part of my life, I’d often have angry outbursts that were followed by uncontrollable sobbing, and I felt like I had no control over any of my thoughts or feelings. All of this left me with a feeling of hatred toward my brain, and therefore my entire self. I would find myself “people-pleasing,” because I never wanted to let anyone down or feel like a bad friend. Behind the constant saying “yes” when I meant really meant “no,” and over-extending myself to the point of burnout, deep down I did all of these things because I just felt horrible about myself and I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I saw myself. Fortunately, with the help of my therapist and your father (he’s truly the best, I know you’ll love him so much), I have since come to realize that I am not the awful person that my anxiety tricked me into thinking I was, and I am finally learning to love every part of me, including the parts of me that I once despised.

    As I have been on this journey, I have been learning about psychology and how certain events or situations can impact a young child’s brain. I have been learning about how humans coregulate with other people around them, and how important that is when a young child is growing up. I know that if I were to have had you a few years ago, in the midst of my worst anxiety attacks and self-loathing patterns, that would not have been the healthiest environment for you to be in during your early days. As I continue to work on my patience and learning about my mind, oftentimes I about you and your future. I think about you having a calm, content mother who happily lulls you to sleep and is there to comfort you in times when you feel distressed. I think about you witnessing your parents emulating the true meaning of love, and also feeling that same incredible love from us. I think about how I want you to be curious and ask questions and be confident in who you are, even in times when peers or others around you may try to influence you. I think about how there are times where you may not like me so much or I may fail you in some ways, but that I hope as an adult you will be able to understand that I am doing my best and still learning as a human being. So yes, I do think about you a lot, and I do what I do every day for you. There is a well-known quote that reads: “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” so I make an effort every day to make sure I fill my own cup first, so in the future, I can fill yours.

    To my future child(ren), I love you already.

    Mom

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    • Jena, I love the ending of your story.
      “‘You can’t pour from an empty cup,’ so I make an effort every day to make sure I fill my own cup first, so in the future, I can fill yours.” It is so poetic and so true. And honestly, I have thought about my future child since I was child. I think sometimes thinking about the parent we want to be m…read more

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      • Thank you so much, Lauren! I feel the same way, I think that me knowing what kind of parent I want to be motivates me to become that person! I appreciate your kind words, and I’m happy to be a part of this community <3

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    • I love that cup reference that you’ve done. A lot of us have many empty cups that we need to fill to fill other cups. I love that you use this for your future child. I love that you want to make sure that he or she gets the opportunity to be able to live a great life. You were very thoughtful in this process and that shows how great you will be a…read more

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      • Thank you so much for reading my letter and also for your kind words! I hope to be a good parent, and I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and that parenting will be a whole learning process in and of itself. I just feel like if I continue to work on myself and mental health, the easier it will be to handle those tough times!

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  • Thank you, Kayjah, for your kind words! It definitely has been a long journey, and I know life will continue to throw things at me, but as long as I stay focused on myself and my healing, I will be able to handle anything thrown my way. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply!

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  • Dear Me, Thank You.

    Dear me, thank you.

    I remember when you were starting school in third grade; transitioning from being home-schooled to public school, the same year that you bawled your eyes out because the doctor said needed eyeglasses. I mean, once you realized you were allowed to pick out your own frames, your tears cleared right up and those round, dark pink frames quickly became yours! Being excited about the new element added to your style, Dad didn’t have a hard time convincing you to get a super short haircut…but don’t worry, you never, ever did that again! However, I do admire the confidence that you had going into that school- knowing you didn’t have any familiar faces in class, but still having no problem being your authentic, weird self. I’m proud to say we do have that confidence today, but that unfortunately we did lose it a bit in-between.

    Getting through middle school wasn’t bad. You did well in school and you got along with your classmates, but what you lived for was hanging out with your best friends back at the apartments that you grew up in your whole life. Having friends in the apartment complex made it easy to say that home was such a fun place to be, even though deep down you knew that inside that two-bedroom apartment, any happiness was gone after 6pm. You were lucky in a way, it’s not like your parents were leaving you with random sitters while they went out to the bars like your neighbor friends dealt with, instead your parents would just drink at home, and you had to be witness. Your parents seemed to care more than the other parents because they were always helicoptering around and trying to keep you safe, but that started to bother you more and more as you grew older.

    When it was time for high school you started to feel suffocated. When you observed the younger neighbor friends having more freedom than you, it felt unfair! They could take their bikes to the store down the street before you could, and they’d all talk about their Facebook accounts while your parents were telling you that you couldn’t have one for another few years. The anger inside only grew as you finally got more freedom, because that only came with constant texts and calls asking for pictures to prove where you were. You weren’t out doing drugs or partying, you had good grades, but you were treated as if you were not trust-worthy or responsible. It didn’t help that your parents’ anxiety of the world worsened, as well as their anger towards each other. At home, you unfortunately had to hear all of it, and it had more of an effect on you than you knew.

    As you overheard the loud, explicit sluts being spat back and forth, your body was coregulating with their anger and angst. As you overheard horrific truths of family pasts, your brain processed these things in an unhealthy, self-limiting way. As you started to join in on arguments trying to mediate or defend, you fed into your already developed control issues. There is a reason that psychologists tell parents not to involve their children in adult issues. This was in no way your fault, but when you finally were able to escape, you quickly learned that it was your responsibility. Although it feels easy to blame your parents for your anxiety and depression, it feels so much better once you realized that they were doing the best they could with what they knew, and it feels even better when you realized that you were the one in control of your life.

    You escaped your parents’ home at age 19 and moved into an apartment with your high school sweetheart. Even though you had never had a boyfriend throughout high school, when you saw him come into your class junior year and you got that feeling that you had to talk to him…you were right to go with your gut. This man has been such a blessing throughout your life, even though at times you didn’t treat him that way. There were times where your anxiety got the best of you, your anger issues were not managed well, and you felt completely out of control. There were times where you found yourself in panic attacks, crying so hard to the point of headaches, but you made it through, and he was there the whole time. He was so patient with you, and although there were rough times during the relationship, he never left your side. Even though you thought you were such a burden and terrible person to be around, he never saw you like that-he saw you for you.

    You had a hard time accepting this love for many reasons, but the main one being that you did not love yourself. Your brain absorbed Dad’s constant comments like “You dumba**” or “Stupid b**ch,” even though those were never true. You took on blame and guilt for things that didn’t even involve you, and it aided in the self-loathing patterns. I won’t sit here and say that at age 27 you’re completely healed of all traumas and you float through life with no problems; you still have triggers and definitely some control issues, but you are healing every day. After years of trying different medications and therapists, you’re feeling regulated without prescription drugs, you have a therapist you love, and you are finally feeling like that confident, curly-headed eight-year-old girl with glasses strolling into her first year of public school. Looking at you, I see that you always confidently knew yourself, and you trusted your gut. You tried to stay out of the way of chaos and remain in your own peaceful world, and that is something we still practice today. As I continue to heal my nervous system and work on self-love, I have realized that I truly can trust my gut feelings; and for that, I thank you.

    CLICK HERE TO WRITE ME BACK

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