Used and abused, but I still love you.
Tattered and torn, but still going strong.
Beaten and whipped, but still a little human.
Im sorry didn’t pay attention to you and your will to keep on. sorry I didn’t take better care of you
Now age sets in , paper mache skin wrapped around brittle bones, like a flag to a pole with out the glory.
No more curves no more flow
Sinking into the earth where I belong
Where I was made, where I feel safe
Danielle this is well written. While I am glad you feel safe, you should still feel proud of your body. Sounds like your body is quite strong and perseverant! And that’s something to love and cherish, even if, at times, you weren’t always kind to your body. Sending love. Thanks for sharing. <3 Lauren
Dear Danielle,
It is never too late to change the trajectory of your life. You can now live a more healthy life and that will make you strong physically and mentally. I wish you all the best!
to my body,
we’ve been together for my whole life
yet there is so much
i’m just starting to learn about you
remember that time our doctor
suggested that we get on birth control
because i couldn’t handle the pain
that you conjured
in that process where
you give me a monthly opportunity
to bring life into this world
i didn’t understand how hard you worked
and i numbed your remarkable pain
for the next half of my life
i didn’t want to feel you
…and i didn’t
but i also didn’t bleed every month
for fourteen years
i didn’t realize that i’d been
hurting you, to numb
the pain that you caused me
but what i did to you wasn’t healthy
it’s been almost two years
since that other gynecology appointment
we went to
when our new doctor told us
that we were making an uneducated decision
to get off birth control
i’m so glad we didn’t listen to her
i feel as though
i am just starting to understand you
and myself
in new ways since then
you took some time to bounce back
from what i did to you
but after seven months
you started up that process again
the pain and blood rushed back
and now you operate like clockwork
i’m learning how to ease the pain
with lifestyle changes
and tracking our cycle
turns out, i’m learning a lot about
my emotions
now that I’m communicating with you
on our endocrine system
thank you for coming back to me
after i had shut you out for so long
i feel as though
we are healing together
our dad sees it too
last time we saw him, he said
“you look like you put on some weight.”
he said, “you look healthy.”
our doctor doesn’t have us
do ‘weight check-ins’ anymore either
i’m finally willing to listen to you
to stop depriving you
of food, water, and love
those unpredictable and disorderly dots
you cover me in…do you remember
how badly i wanted to scratch them off
as a teenager because ‘everybody’ didn’t have them
and I was so insecure
about how we were different
now, when i look in the mirror
i appreciate the incalculable speckles
scattered across our skin
trickling down us from head to toe
sometimes, i can even hear
my late grandmother
telling us that we, “have the map of Ireland
on (our) face.”
if i had been more patient, i wonder if i
could have loved our natural nose
when i was sixteen, i thought that nose-job
would fix my issues i had with you
and while i love our new nose,
i can see how little
appreciation and adoration
i have given you in other ways
it’s almost like, once i accepted you
accepted the pain
accepted the differences we had from others
accepted the messages you tried to give me
i found your beauty
by discovering your beauty
i truly began to discover myself
gone are the days where I numbed
myself from you
when our ribs felt as though
they could poke through our skin,
when we did not bleed,
and matte make-up
turned our map of Ireland
into a treasure hunt
Taylor, this is so good. I am glad you found peace with your body and your cycle. I am the same way. I recently stopped drinking caffeine to help with some of my symptoms. The map of Ireland in the form of freckles sounds so beautiful to me. I am glad you are embracing them and all of you. Keep falling in love with you. Cliche but true …You are…read more
Lauren, thank you so much for the kind words and support! I hope that you’re finding some benefits with stopping caffeine and kudos on giving that up- it’s not easy to break habits but it’s very interesting to notice how significant gut health is in general (I worked for a wellness doctor who was very adamant on our guts being our second brain…read more
Dear Taylor,
I am so glad you have found peace with your body. I hope you continue your positive journey of self love. Your words have touched my heart.
You ever wake up most days, and you’re all smiles? Yeah, that’s a great feeling! The way I see it is, If you can get through 245 of the 365 days in a year being happy, then that’s a pretty good year to me. That possibly leaves you with 120 days of uncertainty.
How do you feel on a day-to-day basis? What are you thankful for when you wake up? Do you ever think for one second that you may not be here the next day? Scary thought, huh?
I woke up one morning in November of 2021, not feeling great. It was during the pandemic and I had a bad cough. I thought the Rona had taken hostage over me. It was just a miserable feeling. My body didn’t feel well. I knew something was wrong.
The doctor visit was a little bizarre to me. The doctor was prescribing medication to me without checking my lungs out with an x-ray. I asked the doctor “can I have an x-ray?” She replied” sure”. The X-ray results were in and it showed a shadow in my lungs. My body with a shadow didn’t make sense. What does that even mean? I tested negative for corona, strep, and flu. I could not figure out what was going on.
The insurance didn’t approve me yet for a CAT scan of my lungs. I felt a tug on my lungs, as if someone tapped me and said “we need a further examination”
Weeks later, I still didn’t feel well. I was at work feeling like I was having an anxiety attack. I never had one before so I couldn’t compare this feeling to anything else. My body was definitely speaking to me. I called an Uber and went straight to the hospital. My body was still tapping me and saying “get a CAT scan”. Sometimes your body can turn in t a Bully to make sure you understand it’s language.
“I can’t breathe, ma’am”, is what I stated to the doctor. To be honest, physically I could breathe fine but mentally, I could not. I decided to exaggerate just a little so I can get the answers that I was looking for. I was rushed into the machine and received a CAT scan of my lungs.
“FINALLY, let’s do this”, I said to my body. I could feel my heart beating in my chest. My body was still talking to me. After the scan, I was placed in the waiting room. Scans showed a mass that was near my heart since 2011, has become too big and I will need surgery to remove it.
I thought to myself “is this woman talking to me, because ain’t no way I had a mass since 2011 and I was never informed”. It’s 2020 now. I asked myself “could that be a mistake?”.
I continued to do further testing and was able to be seen by a surgeon. The surgeon stated that the cat scans show a mass near my heart and it needs to me removed.
I was alone in the doctors office trying not to cry. “I have two sons and I need to see them grow into the great young men that they are becoming”. I learned a true lesson of “when your body speaks, you need to listen”
My surgery was scheduled at another hospital. I couldn’t dare have surgery in a hospital that never informed me of my mass in the first place. My body rejected that surgeon and his theories.
With the help of my attorney that I worked for, I scheduled my surgery in the City for March 2022. I had an MRI on January 25th. That was my dads birthday. My body knew that I was going to be ok, just for the simple fact that I would get clear answers from a test that I am taking on my dads birthday. He passed in 2018 from colon cancer.
March 2021 came and I was cut open to hand my mass removed from around my heart. Once I was opened,unbox revealed that it was not near my heart, it was wrapped around my lung. It was huge. My body had a score of “3”and these hospitals scored “0”.
A thoracic surgeon was on board and he saved the day. I thought to myself “thank god I listened to my body. I would have never known”.
It was not a speedy recovery. I went from not knowing anything that was going on in my body to having a tumor that was non cancerous out of my body.
Healing was not easy. I had to go back to work while I was trying to heal. The people I worked for asked me “what’s taking you so long to heal?” A woman being cut down her breast, asking her what’s taking long to heal? Imagine that shit! I quit and didn’t look back.
I didn’t know that I had the strength to build myself back up. My body has been through plenty of other surgeries but not like this one. My lungs were collapsed during this surgery and that’s not easy. I didn’t know that it takes mental, emotional and physical strength to get yourself back together.
I have a scar down the middle of my breast and I felt that I would be embarrassed to show my body. It’s a scar of resilience, courage and fight. I fought for my body and I’m glad I did. I am not going to be embarrassed of what happened to my body ever. I’m here and I’m alive.
Listen to your body at all times. It speaks to you, because you simply wouldn’t know.
Janet, I am so glad you listened to your body and that it was not cancerous. Your body is strong and resilient as are you. Thank you for sharing. <3 Lauren
I didn’t really know how to go about this but: I have alopecia; this isn’t a haircut.
I know, I know it looks like I get this done-
but that’s not the case.
See its felt strange lately, with all of the “shorty I like your cut”
& “what’s your shave setting”; because when I first moved here it was a lot of “god bless you” & “are you okay” whispers of “ why would she do that”
..why would I be diagnosed with a disease at the age of five?
Um.
Now that the shoe is on the other foot; now that things are more ‘positive’-
I feel a pit in my stomach.
Because it negates the struggle to get here.
Assumptions that I’m riding a trend.
Which, I’m happy that those younger than me w/ the same disease, will receive less scrutiny..but what about me?
My story untold; still unable to book roles, from the lack of typecast provided for fully bald women:
living a normal life, not cancerous, not villainous, no powers..where?
I write my own.
Submit my screenplays, send publishing companies my pages.
And I know it takes time, but my voice is muted through the patience; my heart breaks while I wait-
but I grab the tape.
Allowing myself space from the rejection I face.
Because I know in its wake, awaits my fate.
– written on the L train from Jefferson to Union Sq @ 10:45pm- By Faith Williams
You my temple, have been tampered with. However, you’re still standing. You’re still mine. You have been abused in all sorts of ways, yet you stand strong, and this is the reason I stand strong. Physically, emotionally, mentally, beside others, besides myself. Over and over, time and time again. You still heal and shelter me from this life I have been blessed with. You have gifted me with the strength I face this harsh world with. My armor, my shell.
You have gone from a structure I struggled to build with weight to a structure I try to remodel by losing weight all these years later.
I have carried children well past the mark of a delivery date, only to have them cut from me because they were too comfortable to leave naturally. You have given me the greatest gifts I have ever been bestowed with. My boys. Now you have blessed me with another child, a blessing only God can have granted us with when he implanted this child in you.
There are days I feel old and weak, too old to partake in this journey once more. You prove me wrong and get me though another day.
You heal quickly with no help from the medical professionals. That impresses me daily. The amount of pain you have encountered cannot be imagined or described. If I didn’t experience it, I wouldn’t believe it myself. I trust you now more than ever. Witnessing and mentally being apart of the recovery has led me to believe that the only person that has the power to destroy you is me. I will be better. Kinder. Gentle from now on.
I apologize for my mistakes. Please forgive me for my sins against you. I take full accountability for what you have endured and I now find myself having the need to not only forgive others, but most importantly, I must forgive myself first.
I want nothing more than to stop surviving and to start living the life you have carried me through. You have been my protector all these years and now it’s my turn to protect you.
Lourdes, Congratulations on being pregnant with your third baby! That’s amazing and your body deserves so much praise. It’s strong, resilient and miraculous. And I am glad you see that as well. Keep embracing yourself and your body and all the power that comes along with both. You’re amazing. Thank you for sharing your story, and congrats again!…read more
The women he paints
In pastels but mostly blue
Reveling in intimacy
Bathing just standing
Bending without a care
At first glance
not models
But women, they are.
Muffin tops
and never toned
Humans, Women, Tender creatures.
Curves and love handles like vines
No start or finish line
All intertwining,
A beautiful mystery, I see.
I look at these paintings, mesmerized
Go home and see,
Steam from the shower confessing
Beautiful body, that is she.
Needs not look a certain way
Neither his nor hers
Only mine, how divine.
Why do they care
What I should wear?
The clothes,
Kissing and hugging my body
Is nothing compared
to the blissful smile I wear.
Endangered smile
Once again.
After 50 years or so,
They’re taking the reigns.
You take my body,
You take my everything,
Especially that once luminous smile.
Darlene, This is so creative. I love this part, “Why do they care
What I should wear?
The clothes,
Kissing and hugging my body
Is nothing compared
to the blissful smile I wear.”
I love this idea of ignoring what others think and loving yourself. And even more importantly, living life with a blissful smile. No mater what changes, or how much time…read more
Thank you, Lauren! That’s exactly what I was going for! Self-love is essential. Looking on the bright side of things and wearing a smile can definitely change one’s perspective!
At one point, I did not know if I would need a helmet to protect me from physically breaking a bone of yours. That is not my only bone to pick with you; it’s hard to swallow that everyday activities are challenging because of you: shoes, buttoning shirts, opening cans, etc., are taxing, but the younger me did not care about any of that: what I missed the most was sports.
Kids are taught to move their bodies from a very young age. Thus sports are encouraged. Signup sheets with a multitude of options are (sometimes)literally thrown their way.
Some are tossed in the garbage; some are run over to a parent or guardian as fast as Usain Bolt. Either way, as one of the only physically disabled kids in the school (that I could see), most people had a choice as to what they wanted to do with that sheet. I didn’t.
Before I even got the paper, my hopes and dreams of being on a team were crushed, like most tennis serves at Wimbledon, fast.
My feet actually did touch the grass of a baseball field, but only with the help of a “ball person” — yes, that is a play-on-words for a person who retrieves the tennis ball after it is hit into the net during a tournament.
I can’t participate like everyone else because My reactions are such I might get hit with the ball if I did not catch it.
Remember The saying “a picture tells more than 1000 words” (made famous by Henrik Ibsen, a Norwegian playwright)? When I was a kid, it told the whole darn story.
My reality was different than my classmates. My dreams, not. Like many people in my age group at the time, I wanted to be a professional athlete.
I still remember thinking a kid on my little league team would make the majors. Not only that, thinking he was Shohei Ohtani — arguably the greatest player in baseball ever.
This kid seemed to be as tall as the Empire State Building. The chances are not that high that he did make it (although my brain is pulling on every cell to convince me otherwise.)
The chances of me looking up if he did: pretty high! (insert laughing emoji)
Everyone and anyway who stepped foot on any field or court lived out a dream I could only imagine; however, one day, my physical therapist (PT) and I were practicing my walking and running speed.
I broke a personal record (I think it was 30 feet in 10 seconds) enough to convince my mom and PT that I should try my feet on the track team.
I practiced for about three days, running around the whole track once. My mom saw I was exhausted, and after the second day, she told my coach to take it easy on me. I probably did not run more than 30 feet in practice once after and quit.
So, I used the body of this article to moan and grown about my very own. How about I turn the eggs sunny side up — hopefully, that frown will turn upside down!
Now at days, I look at things from “the other shoe.”
Sports are about the team and the people who celebrate with you. No game-winning hit can compare to “lacing them up with my team, “trying to play the cards I was dealt and “tying the loose ends” that cerebral palsy hands me every day, and when I “lace them up,” one by one, we have won the Super Bowl.
Jake, I think being an athlete and competing is about making the most of your given abilities, and pushing yourself, and growing and getting better. You have done just that. You have so many reasons to be proud of yourself and your body,. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being such an important part of our unsealed family. <3 Lauren
I never know how to start letters.
I’d ask how you’re doing, but I’m happy to say I think I’ve finally a pretty good grasp on finding the answer to that.
For years I ignored your requests and even demands.
Thought you were too much and needed to be less.
Thought not eating would impress.
Tried to squeeze you into boxes you weren’t meant to fit in.
Tried to make you appealing to everyone but the one who was in your skin.
I can’t say exactly when the shift happened, or what changed my mind.
I think it was gradual, more like dawn than a light switch.
A slow burn of self love growing brighter as I worried less about the size of the stitches that made up my clothes and more about the person who filled them.
Instead of running from the mirror, I paused to Really look into it.
To sit and stare at the human within, and not shy away from certain parts.
To relish in the rolls, feeling each one with gratitude for how my body reminds me that I deserve all the space I take up.
To lounge with the looser parts of my skin and not feel the need to suck it all in.
To soak in the stretch marks and the story they tell of how I will not be contained.
To find each freckle and blemish and scar, to let them remind me of how I’ve come so far.
I’m sorry for the ways I have misused and abused you.
I’m sorry for the times I put you in a position to let others do that, too.
I’m sorry for how I starved you, even when you growled with hunger.
I’m sorry for how I then turned around and smothered you with food, while you silently pleaded for me to find balance.
I’m sorry for how often I told you that you weren’t enough.
I’m sorry that I truly believed you would never be loved.
You have taught me to choose you.
You are the only body I have, and I am grateful that it’s you.
You have led me through challenges and adventures that I thought people like me couldn’t get through.
You have opened my eyes to the fact that I am more than what other people view.
You have endured hatred and vitriol and strife,
And still,
You have held me more than any other person in my life.
Omg Lauran, This is incredible. Your last line is like a mic drop – just wow! You (and your body) have been through a lot together, but through it all, you have come to realize how strong you both are, and together you are unstoppable. You are beautiful but even more than that your power, attitude, and mindset make you UNSTOPPABLE. And any time…read more
Tonight was one of those nights where I needed to come back to these words. I know I just said it in another reply, but thank you so much for creating this space! I don’t think there are really words to express how much sharing this poem meant to me. And I’m grateful for the opportunity and challenge to keep trying to write words that empower…read more