To anyone that feels the tug on their heart to listen to God even when it’s scary,

I graduated college in 2019 with what I considered to be a well flushed out plan. I was going to to go to work for a company that I had interned for over the summer and they were so excited to have me on board. I was in a long term relationship with a man that I was convinced I would marry, he checked off all the boxes I had on my list of what I wanted in a husband. Yet the strangest thing started happening during my last six months of school. I began to have doubts, at that time it was specifically about my relationship but I thought hey we’re both really busy working towards our futures right now it makes sense that I’m overwhelmed. I was overloading my units to graduate within four years and he was in a very intense fire academy at the same time.

Time went by and we both graduated from our programs and things finally started to feel better. We had more time to be with each other and we knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. However, God knew far more than we did.

I had tried on multiple occasions to connect with the company I was meant to work for after graduation only to find out that they had hired a new CEO and were in the midst of a hiring freeze. I was disappointed to say the least but I figured I’d find something else in time. My 22 year old self had no idea the amount of rejection she was about to face.

I ended up back in a retail position and frankly, very disappointed that I had a degree that seemed to be going to waste. Meanwhile my boyfriend was working through his rookie year and very stable in his job, obviously I was very happy for him and so proud that his constant hard work had paid off but it hurt to see someone I loved live their dream and not have any access to mine.

Keeping in mind that I was working retail mid-covid pandemic, this became a downward struggle where my mental and emotional health began to severely suffer. I didn’t understand what it was I was doing wrong, I had done everything in the right order. We hear it all the time growing up. “You go to college, get a job, get married and have a family.” Seemed simple enough….right? Not so much, no matter what I did I wasn’t getting anywhere and I became depressed and my anxiety skyrocketed to a point where I would wake up and immediately feel fear.

I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do or where to go and was paralyzed by my fear to make a mistake that I simply didn’t do anything. My personality went from bubbly laughter and wanting to be around my friends and family to miserable and isolating because I felt safer alone than I did around people that couldn’t understand how I felt. This mental battle continued for a good year.

Then I remembered the one thing that my parents had always told me growing up. If there was ever a time in my life where I felt like I needed help, God would always be there for me. I grew up in the church but I never really developed a relationship with Christ and I’ve since learned that religion and relationship are very different. So I decided I was going to start reading my Bible more and praying, whether it was verbal or written. Often it was the same topics I was praying about: job, relationship, purpose. They were on repeat in my mind and I knew I could bring them to God as often as they came up.

Slowly I began to realize that the plans I had made for myself and what I thought would be the best life for me might not be what God had for me even if they were good things. My biggest concern frankly was my purpose and how I would be able to identify it and my relationship. I wanted God to show me if this man was not my husband then I need Him to show me in a way that is the most obvious, in my face experience so that I can’t possibly think it’s just a coincidence.

When I tell you that God delivered every time I asked Him to, I just had to learn how to pay attention. Number 1) I ended up completely changing my career path from my college plan to, you’ll never guess….acting and writing. That was a very interesting conversation with my family at the dinner table I’ll tell you that for sure. But it scared the crap out of me. For the longest time I would sit in classes not fully being present or enjoying the moment for fear I was making the wrong choice. After that it became knowing that I would have to put myself out there, be willing to accept the possibility of being seen. It took time for me to embrace it because I was so scared it wasn’t in Gods plan and I was just being selfish. However, for the past two years I’ve pursued this new dream and the irony in all of it is that while I do consistently face rejection, God has allowed me more open doors and opportunities than I ever had with my previous career path. Especially because I remind myself who I want the glory to go to. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not me. Number 2) With my relationship I had to accept the possibility that even though the man I had was sweet, and loving and wanted to provide that didn’t mean he was the one God had for me. After months of working on everything we could and praying about our situation God showed me that it wasn’t going to be us. It had nothing to do with how great we were as individuals, but everything to do with who we were meant to be if were going to follow in His plan. I know that Gods plan is always better than mine so I knew I had to listen.

That was probably the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I would be stepping away from someone that was willing to provide for me, protect me, be there for my family, support me financially and did what he could to support my new acting dreams. No matter what he said or did, I couldn’t avoid the constant heart tug and the confirmation God had given me. It’s not him.

So I took a step out in faith and we decided it was best for both of us to grieve now so we could heal and move forward knowing we would always support each other from afar. We were very fortunate to have a healthy breakup but that didn’t stop my fear that I was leaving the security I had grown up believing I was supposed to have. It was scary yes, but I can say almost a year later that it’s the best decision I could have made.

I made room in my life for God to work in His way and in His timing. I do still find myself wanting to rush it sometimes, I mean come on I’m only human. As I continue to follow this path outside my comfort zone I find myself blessed with the one thing I know each and every one of us is looking for. Peace. A peace that makes no sense because it doesn’t come from this world, it comes from the one that knows me and the desires of my heart so deeply I know I can trust Him. Yes there will absolutely be more moments, likely in the near future where I’ll have to take another step out of my comfort zone and I’ll be clinging to God the entire time. Yes I will probably ask him about 40 times if He’s sure that this is what I should be doing, but I also know that faith isn’t faith unless it’s tested. Real growth and change doesn’t happen from your comfort zone.

I want to encourage anyone feeling that tug on their heart. Whatever it’s about, whether it’s a job, a relationship, a move, a financial situation etc. It’s not always going to be easy and you might not even feel 100% confident in the decision. If I’ve learned anything throughout my own journey it’s that I don’t have the power to mess up Gods plans for me, so listen to the heart tugs. Trust that you are in good hands and that even if you do make a mistake, God is powerful enough to correct it and work it all out for your good. As I finish writing this out, the phrase “Be the turtle” comes to mind. Why? They can only swim forwards. So pray about it, believe that God has your back and then “be the turtle.” Don’t look back.

Day in and day out our world seems to fall darker.
Visible thunderstorms of animosity, hatred, division and war.
They brew quickly, blow rapidly, covering the surfaces of hope I became so accustomed to.
While the loudness of anger rumbles through the wind, we point fingers and scoff declarations of who is in the wrong.
Who deserves just punishment and isolation for past sins and moments of weakness.
Our fears and anxieties shoot up from the ground like poison roots attempting to choke out the seed of light embedded in us.
Afraid to show a true glimpse of ourselves, to display our authentic ways or more simply even, kindness.
Yet somehow we all dream that a random act from a stranger or friend might spur our hope .
Comforting us, a reminder that gentle compassion still exists.
When in fact, each and every day we have that ability within ourselves, to be there for someone else the way we hope they can be for us.
One small act, one show of support, one day spent serving another, acting out of a mindset that bears no judgment.
A change in reality within our own reach.
How can something so simple spur a ripple?
I’ve heard the way myself.
“You are rare, there is something different in you, when you are in your element you are magnetic.”
While these words are not the change themselves, where they stem from is.
Kindness and compassion have blossomed in my heart in a way I continue to cultivate.
To fight against the desire our world has to segregate.
For when the storm calms and the gray clouds dissipate, the light of truth cuts straight through you and I.
Our humanness reveals itself and it is magnified that we all bleed the same.
We have all cried tears of joy at the announcement of good news, felt bitter anger towards someone who wronged us.
Laughed until our sides ached and breath left our lungs.
We have all loved and hurt as humans do, so why should we expect perfection from equally imperfect people?
Yes, it is genuine connection, kindness and an open mind that I will use to change the world.
Truly, what else could drown out the poison roots than an overflow, a flood of hope bringing tall trees that offer a newfound shade of comfort and safety.