These are not my legs,
I’m watching myself from above
I wonder…
Are those mine
I can’t feel them, holy christ!
I can see them
My brains scrambled,
Astral projection, dmt and me
I can see,
Try to be me.

The title of this letter/post can sum up what I’m about to pen right now. What’s going on in the world currently, sadly I predicted years ago. See, I have this published book called “The World In Ruins” that I published in 2018 outlining what the world could end up being if we didn’t get our acts together.

What’s going on in Palestine and Israel is deeply saddening and it makes me think of certain chapters I wrote. ‘The World In Ruins’ chronicles a young kid who has a dream of what the future of this planet would be and it wasn’t good at all.

What makes it worse is the majority of what I wrote has already happened in a five year time span. I’m no George Orwell who wrote the timeless classic of 1984 (which was one of two books that inspired ‘The World In Ruins’).

I have a myriad of emotions but what can I do? I don’t want to become the prototypical guy who allows the media to dictate what to post on my social media platforms. I was never that guy and never will be.

To be the watcher, observer of what’s going on around me has become a huge component to what I write and how I write. I don’t consider myself to be any better than anyone else. I’m a human being like everyone else, just an average Joe. I just happen to be a decent writer that tells stories, that’s all.

Sadly, I always say to God, “I didn’t sign up for this.” This is not the world I want to live in and be part of. Somehow I have a role in changing the landscape of this world and sometimes I wonder if writing is all I need to be doing.

There’s guilt I should be doing more but I’m part of a system where I have to work to be able to provide for myself. Where do I fit in, in all of this? How does my voice fit in with those directly being affected by these catastrophic events?

Those are questions I don’t have answers to. Which somehow I feel is not a good thing. There are days where I’m mentally drained of all the negativity. Where music is my only escape from reality.

I can’t imagine being bombed where I live. I can’t imagine the trauma people will experience and carry with them the rest of their lives. We are at a place where the world is crumbling right before our eyes and all I can do is visualize the words I penned in my book.

There are things that aren’t as important to me anymore. Sports, watching TV for hours on end, being out all of the time. Now it’s writing books, recording audiobooks and podcasts, motivating and inspiring others, working out, reading and trying to make sense of this world and lifetime I’m living in.

All I can do is learn from those who really know the realities of their home country and be supportive. Or is there more I can do? Hopefully I figure that out. I can’t say the cliche line “pray” or “have hope.” It’s gonna take a collective effort to share the truths of what’s going on because the media will paint the story and image how “they” want you to view it.

There’s a lot to unpack and I don’t need to see the videos and images to understand the atrocities that’s going on. I’ve seen enough death in my lifetime, I’m good.

If we’re given platforms to share things, let’s learn from each other, share our truths but also expose the truths of what’s going on.

Just know behind my smile, there is a lot that goes on in my mind, I just don’t share it all…

Last night, I didn’t sleep well, as I had several nightmares. I was haunted by the endless images I saw in the news: A young woman’s naked, lifeless, unconscious (possibly deceased) body being paraded around as a trophy after Hamas attacked young people at a music festival in Israel, a 25-year-old woman begging for her life as she was taken as a hostage and babies whose faces were covered in dust and blood from the bombs thrown near their homes.

When I awoke this morning, I immediately read the news to see the latest. And while the horror continues on the other side of the world, I was also disheartened to learn that hate was just outside my doorstep.

People at rallies down the street from where I slept last night are wearing, holding, and celebrating images of swastikas and promoting anti-semitic rhetoric. For the first time in my life, I was and am scared to be Jewish.

While I have been doing my best to educate myself through the news, friends, and online resources, I am not going to sit here and pretend I fully understand the conflict between Palestine and Israel – because I don’t. And I know that it’s natural and easy to see the world through the lens of my own experiences and identity.

However, we all, myself included, should see and feel our humanity reflected in every person on this planet. And act accordingly.

As I try to process these last few days, the violence happening in the Middle East is not just about me, or any one group of people or politics. This cruel attack on innocent people is about all of us. It is a threat to all of humanity.

No child, no person, whether they share my background or not, whether Palestinian or Israeli (or any other culture, race, or religion), deserves to live or die in such an inhumane way.

There are a lot of issues we can’t and won’t agree on in this world. But we universally should believe in and tirelessly advocate for love, compassion, and peace for all people.

And sadly, right now, that’s not the case.

I am scared and heartbroken as I pray for the victims of violence, our world, and humanity.

I’m all alone walking and I’m stoned feel the night rise behind my back I’ve got a flashlight but it’s still black
I think it’s lack of comprehension but I’m not sure there’s no simple way that I can cure the tension
Intervention, still alone hanging by a thread on the edge of the world
Oh, did I forget to mention
My dear you’ve gone to far
It was a slight intention by
Regression, back to basics
Stay to listen to my submission
While I revise my inclination.

My mind is mine, I love it so.
My time is timed, wish it would go slow
The bind is tight though I see the light
Intervening capsules of life defy the integrity of thought.
Insignificance has brought a rapture upon all that is lost.

The year 2020 was one to remember and it’s one that I’ll never forget. The year 2001 was also one of those years between graduating high school, starting college two and a half hours away from the towers that collapsed on my TV screen within the first week of school. But, let’s get back to 2020 and how my mental health wasn’t the greatest.

It was March, my job gave me a laptop, a phone, an aruba box, sent me home and said, “figure it out and continue to get work done.” I was and still am in the medical field but on the backend.

The gym I was going to closed down and I lost my outlet to exercise and keep my body moving. I’m an athlete by nature, I’ve been playing basketball since the age of 8, I ran track briefly in high school. My life was completely different than what I was used to.

Confined to a house, and doing everything we were told to in regards to taking care of ourselves. While I was confined to my home, it put me in a big rut and the weather wasn’t the most kind (living in New York is not the greatest when it comes to consistent weather).

As spring turned to summer, the parks were closed until mid-July so no basketball for me. I was dealing with mild anxiety and depression. I would fight it and tell myself, “I’ll be fine” but the reality was, I wasn’t at all. I knew I needed help but as men, we aren’t necessarily told to speak to a therapist to get out what we’re dealing with and experiencing.

Black men are not told to vent out their feelings, emotions and struggles. Granted, I was writing books on men’s issues, I was lying to myself about what I was dealing with and experiencing. I kept telling myself, “I’ll get help when I move out.” Eventually I found an online therapy website and began my journey to getting better mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

I paid out of pocket and it was the toughest two months of my life. My therapist, I will always remember her name and the impact she had on my life. I hid my struggles from those closest to me and it wasn’t until September where I finally opened up to my mother, my aunt and my best friends about my struggles, what I was going through and how I’ve been in online therapy.

My room door would be closed on Fridays and as my mother worked from home in the living room, I’d be having my therapy sessions with my therapist. When I opened up to my mother, she was shocked, surprised but also sad. Sad because I couldn’t open up to her about my struggles, we have been so close but I didn’t feel good enough to tell her.

The shift and change in my life happened when I moved to Phoenix, Arizona on November 30th, 2020. The weather was 75 degrees, the sun was shining bright, people were outdoors running, riding their bikes and basking in the beauty of the backdrop of mountains in the city.

It wouldn’t be long before I bought a bike, rode the trail that was near my house, then I’d find a basketball court to get my workouts in. Days where I’d just stand outside of my apartment in the morning and let the sun rays hit my skin while I look at the mountains and feel so joyous and happy.

My trips back to New York would consist of family and friends telling me how different I was, how happy I looked and felt. That’s when it all sets in, sometimes where you live can determine your mental health. Sometimes the environment we are in needs to change to have a better outlook on life.

I always knew that a slower pace in life, scenery, being outdoors was meant for me. I live in palm trees, mountains, beautiful scenery and bike trails to run or bike on.

Whatever you’re going through in life, you can get through it. I was fortunate and blessed enough to get the help I need along with changing the environment I lived in. I feel comfortable in sharing my journey from struggles to triumph and I’m thankful for it.

It’s made me a better man, human being and it’s partly why I write the books I do. It’s to open dialogue, have uncomfortable conversations but also inspire and motivate each other to change the world.

The world is built on experiences and stories and we need to continually tell them. It’s the only way we’re going to find peace, joy and happiness within our hearts, minds and souls….

To a local bar we went with the intention of having a drink and blowing off some steam. at this point in time I was at the end of a bad relationship, and could have never imagined what lye await that night.
We walked in took a left and sat down. As we watched the bar stools like hawks, I noticed this good looking man out of the corner of my eye. At the time I didn’t pay much attention to him, just a good looking guy right? Except there was something,
Some seats finally opened up at the bar and Michelle and I took our rightful seats, ordered a drink and the night began… Getting up to use the bathroom after two or three drinks, I came back to take my seat once again, low and behold he (The good looking guy from earlier) had the nerve to take my seat. Me feeling a little tipsy and ballsy decided to tap on his shoulder and give him a peace of mind because at that point I was not in the mood to play this game, I couldn’t believe this guy
He turned to me and with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face, he exclaimed he was sorry and gave me my seat back like a gentleman. I was impressed to say the least, But still just chalked it up to some bar banter. I’m not going to lie though my heart did begin to race a little, it was that feeling again But why was I feeling this with someone I just met we hadn’t even really talked what was I thinking, so we talk some more and suddenly we began kissing… God it was awesome I couldn’t stop myself it was like I released my body into his and everything fell into place exactly how it should have, it was like a storybook it felt amazing.
So here I am in a bar with my friend kissing a man I never met before, but it felt so right, so good. This kissing went on for a good hour and a half, this was in front of everyone in the bar and I could have given a shit less…then
it was time to go like someone blowing out of flame when it gets too tall, so we exchanged numbers and I left simple as that you say? (Oh no no no) certainly not. I Get in the car and knew I made a huge mistake, I needed to have him with me. If I didn’t act fast I might never see him again I told my friend this, she told me “go get him!”… so I ran back in as fast as I could. Was I wrong? was I making a mistake? was this a bad move? was he going to turn me down? who knows… I’m just going to do it. So I get up the nerve to run back in I spot him and I grab his arm and lead him to my car, he came! holy crap! he went with it! thank God!
What was I supposed to do now I had no idea, so I just went with it. We dropped Michelle off and went back to get his car, he asked me if I smoked I said I did, so we engaged in a bowl. It was awesome I finally had someone to smoke with. It was so relaxing and mellow to be hanging out with him He’s amazing, how did this happen?

Nowadays he’s the love of my life, I couldn’t have asked for anything more out of that one night at the bar.

I am just me,
D aring
A ccommodating
N eoteric
I nspiring
E empathetic
L evel headed
L oyal
E clectic

These are My attributes as well as my faults

Hello all!
My name is Danielle and I’ve been writing since I was 10 yrs old “not professionally” But for me, for my sanity for me to understand me! for me to understand other people and for me to make sense of the world. It’s something that always came natural when there was trauma in my life. somewhere I could hide from everything and hear myself out loud.
I think it’s the people who have a hard time getting their emotions out verbally in the presence of others, that make the best writers!
I’ve been inside out and upside down in my own head, It can be really scary sometimes and it can be very endearing at others.
I will end it with one of my favorite quotes from One of my favorite authors,
“I was not proud of what I had learned, but I never doubted that it was worth knowing.”
Hunter s. Thompson

The man understands life is a long road,
Driving down the highway to different paths.
Coming across forks in the road and having to make decisions,
Which road is the right one to take on our journey.
The journey is getting to where we want to be,
And sometimes we have to go a different route than others.
The roads will be full of bumps and cracks,
Those are the trials and tribulations we will face.
Sometimes we have to take a detour,
Just to get back to the main road and where we are going.
We are driving the car, we are in control of our journey,
Understanding that leaders are drivers of the car.
The followers are the one sitting on the passenger side and in the back,
They’re following you in hopes to get to greatness.
The car is going to need the gas to keep it going,
The gas is the drive, determination and motivation needed.
Keeping our eyes on the road is crucial as we don’t want distractions,
When we are focused on the road, that is our vision of our goals.
Getting a flat tire would be the worst thing that could happen,
That is the people who are doubting you and hoping you fail.
A flat tire can also be a sign of something not working on your journey,
It’ll be all in how we adjust to fixing it and getting a new tire on the car.
Fixing a flat tire sometimes requires helps as it is a task,
This is where we are able to call on family and friends to help us.
The main focus and goal is to get to the destination,
Doing whatever it takes to drive that car and get it there.
It doesn’t necessarily mean driving over the speed limit,
Sometimes driving the speed limit allows us to enjoy the process.
Driving over the speed limit means we are rushing the process,
And getting to the destination may not be what we expect by going too fast.
By going the speed limit, getting to the destination is a sense of fulfillment,
Knowing what we had to go through to get there.
It’s like driving from one side of the country to the other side,
It will take time, we will have to make stops and take detours to get there.
As long as we have the right directions to get there,
And we have an idea on what our plans are, that’s what matters.
The car must be a well-oiled machine that’s crucial,
The oil in the car is our mindset and how mentally focused we truly are.
While driving across the country, we will stop at different destinations,
Some will be worth it and a lot of them won’t be worth stopping at.
Some destinations will be a distraction to throw you off focus,
Staying there longer than you should be knowing you need to get back on the road.
There will be the destinations that we need to stop at,
There may be a lesson that needs to be learned at that place.
There will also be destinations that we must stop at,
To eat, fill your body with the necessary nutrients which is your fuel.
Stopping at hotels to get sleep and a good shower will be necessary,
That will be your way of recharging your body to continue on the journey.
A destination of stopping at a museum can be a lesson needed to be learned,
But stopping at a destination with casinos, that is a distraction.
Life is filled with analogies and comparisons,
It’s just a matter of taking time to think it out and understand it.
The road less traveled will get you to your destination,
Going through the less desolate areas keeps your mind clear.
Driving the road and controlling the car takes focus as always,
Changing lanes on a long highway is the change in mental focus.
Sometimes we can’t change lanes right away,
As cars are speeding by us which are other people and their goals.
We can’t be too focused on how fast others are driving,
Their destination may be shorter than ours and their goals different than ours.
We must learn to understand how to plan our journey accordingly,
How we are getting there, how to deal with distractions and many other things.
Knowing when to stop for more fuel for the car or for us,
And also knowing who will be the passengers in the car.
The passengers will be people we need along the way,
They will help us make decisions, give us advice and guidance.
They must be the people you trust the most in your life,
The ones who will have the best interests for you and not themselves.
There’s the one thing we want to avoid at any cost and that’s accidents,
Those can be the bad decisions we make or the negative thoughts in our mind.
Nothing will ever be smooth sailing on a long journey,
But it’s how we react and respond whenever we fall.
Do we get up and keep going? Do we keep driving the car?
Or do we just give up and turn back around and go back home?
Soon enough we get to where we want to be,
Sometimes the journey is longer than we expect it to be.
As long as we are able to keep driving the car,
Staying focused will allow us to embark on long journey to greatness.

Jamell Crouthers
Aquarianmind

When we talk about those we have lost it doesn’t have to mean someone has died physically, rather someone you have lost connection with or someone that decided to leave you mentally.
I chose this topic because this relationship that I no longer have with my mother has impacted me greatly in my life,
This was not my decision by any means but people have different reasons for things that they do.
I have not seen heard or talked to my mother in 27 years it seems like a travesty but in actuality it’s probably a good thing.
A little backstory:
My mother has always been into hard drugs as long as I can remember I remember crawling on the floor through needles in my diapers and I remember the (tax man) she called him coming to her house a couple times a week with a briefcase. God only knows what was in that briefcase. As I grew up I remember my mother getting taken out on a stretcher by the ambulance and police for what I have no idea I was probably about 6 years old, My mother had a lot of mental health issues along with the drug use, My grandmother ended up sectioning her a few times I can remember bringing her to the hospital and watching her fight, kick, punch and bite The orderlies it took five to assist in getting hurt tied down in the bed so she wouldn’t hurt anyone for herself anymore. Know that I’m grown and I look back at these instances on baffled at how a mother can let her child see and hear and witness all of these things at such a young age it breaks my heart but I’ve learned to cope. I don’t think you can ever cope fully to a situation like this flashbacks always happen for me I have PTSD and night terrors about things that used to happen I remember being woken up at 2:00 in the morning when I was 5 to be told that we had to get out of the house and go live somewhere else (We were living with my mother’s boyfriend at the time)
This happened on a number of occasions with different men. I went to a new school every year back and forth to my mom and dad’s never had a stable place.
I do feel bad for her she missed out on so much of her life as well as mine But I do not feel bad taking my sanity back and getting myself well. Like they say when you’re at the bottom of the barrel there’s no where else to go but up so you just got to keep trucking everybody has their own faults and decisions that they have to make. I do believe drugs obviously have a hand in all of this but I don’t believe that she didn’t have the option not to get involved with it those are our own decisions to make and the path we choose does impact others and to not think of it that way is selfish. For my sake in my kids sake I chose to break the ties with her she scares me And I don’t want my kids to ever feel like I did around her so they also have never met her. I feel like I want to miss her but I also feel like that’s letting my guard down and I’m so hyper-sensitive to not becoming her I know I’m not her and I know I don’t make these decisions that she makes and I know that I love my children and would never put them in harm’s way I just can’t wrap my head around The situation still I’m 41 years old now and I’m not involved in heavy drugs I do what I need to do to survive and I’ve got a pretty level-head on my shoulders so I guess I can thank her for that, but as for showing me how to be a mother I will take the credit for that
With all this in mind I guess the lesson learned is no one to walk away when you’re getting into deep your mental health is not worth it and the detrimental aftermath it does to everybody else
So again I’d like to say goodbye to my mother. that part of my life is over thank God.

The night’s fading darkness
Is illuminated by filaments that glimmers
With piercing reddish hues
Into a horizon of fading darkened blues.

With each touch of brilliant, glinting light
The scenery is transformed, bright
As a white pigeon in heightened flight,
Soaring, like Icarus, too near the sun’s slight

Heat that tenderly caresses its feathery
Wings across all living things, bravely
Broaching the new day optimistically,
Knowing that man’s destruction will invariably

Alter the breathtaking beauty of sunrise,
Twisting its vibrancy into shades
Of tenebrous grey, colorless, and lifeless,
As everything becomes hopeless.

Let each new day be your oath
To be stronger than the sun’s breadth,
As you emulate its depth
Of strength, that reigns above all in stealth.

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️