Following down a path
that was out of the ordinary.
Discovering herself threw all the wrath
Bouncing around such as a fairy.
The harmfulness inside
can consume her on the daily
She is no longer trying to hide
Realizing she probably was never gaily.
The spark of who she is becoming
Is bright within
Hearing the constant humming
Without all of the sin.
This girl is giving it her all
never worried on if she will fall.

I want to try this again
The more I learn about who I am becoming
Making this a part of my routine
As I continue going day by day
To figure out the best version of myself
So let’s begin
Who am I?
I carry a big heart
One that can often be misused from those that surround me.
I do not put that shield on it.
I trust with the plan God already has made for me—
I am just living that piece of it.
I have goals
Ambitions
Dreams
All which one day I will succeed.
I am still so young
There’s a whole life ahead.
Yes I will get things wrong
It may not look like I know what I am doing
That is okay though
It is just going to build me.
I trust myself
I see my beauty within
Even if it’s not on a day to day.
I know who I can and want to be
So for right now I am just loving me.
I am grateful for the life that I carry
And who I am becoming.
Each day this is making me who I am
And I cannot be more proud of that.

Looking into the mirror
I see the smile from her.
The find feels clearer
I finally found where you were.
Noticing the smile
That follows around.
Anyone could spot it from a mile
Finding what startled her from the ground.
Did I mention the bliss
From you walking through that door.
It’s safe you will not be a dismiss
We are ready to explore.
The possibilities that are within
Not that I no wear you thin.

The Matrix

I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.

I keep being told that I’m too hurt right now;
However, I was for a long time.
In my time with you I lost myself—
to the point where I did not know who I was looking into a mirror.
I started to notice those signs while we were collided.
The fighting—over stuff that should not have been a thing—
All because I’m an “over-thinker” but I think you made me that way.
I could recite a conversation with us from the back of my head—
That’s because we were predictable—
Or what we would do when with one another— all points too—predictable.
I took a step back in our time together to see if it was me losing my mind or if it was caused by you.
I’ll be honest—I was hurt for 6 to 7 months before I called it over.
You had no idea though for parts—even though you should’ve because I was repeating myself time and time again.
Now that I’m free I live for me—
I’m happier now—
I work out—
I write—
I don’t plan shit out—
I don’t have a dress code—even though you said I could always wear whatever I wanted to but that was not the case.
I moved on while being in our shit show.
You were too blind to notice—
The pain I was enduring—
Too busy playing video games—
Leaving me in the shadows during our time.
You taught me some valuable life lessons—
ones that I will take with me.
Thank you for showing what I want in life—
Maybe one day our paths will collide but I’m stating that time from forever is done.
Thank you for the memories and the many things you have taught me throughout my high-school life—then allowing me in college to learn what I could not learn before we broke apart.
I’m appreciative of everything you have taught me throughout our time together—
You will be someone my future children hear about due to the amount of experiences we share.
But overall thank you for showing me what I need to look for in life.
You are no longer the thought that races the back of my head— I am free from you and all the pain you put me through.
I am not hurting—she was a while back—now I am living the life I deserve—I would not do anything to change that.

The spirit takes my soul back
to a day that was not long ago.
Sitting on a rack
as if there’s something that needed a show.
Remembering key phrases
that I would say.
The body raises
to realize it was my favorite day.
Twos flooded the room
as I would turn to you.
Watching our love start to bloom
then it was my cue.
Waking to the realization
there’s no need for any hesitation.

Hi my name is
Nah that’s way too formal.

Hey wassup it’s ya girl
What am I a radio personality?

Hi. I’m LaShae.

Wait. Yeah that
That feels comfortable.

Hi. I’m LaShae.
La like the note
Shae like the butter.
And I’m
. . .
Blank

God says,
I am that I am
But if I said it
Would it be blasphemous?
Even if I am?
Because I am that I am
And
I am Joy.
I am Smile.
Brittany said it was creepy
That I smiled so much
But Brittany didn’t know
I hurt the same ways she did.
She didn’t know my smile
Was as much a resistance
As it was for her to get out of bed some mornings
She didn’t know
I kept my smile because
Tracy loved my smile.
Tracy loved my smile!
She said it was the most genuine smile she’s ever seen
Which is the best compliment
Because her smile
Was the most genuine I’ve ever seen.

I am peace
Except when I am hungry
And I am always hungry
Beware of Junior’s warning
You better feed that gal;
I am gal.
As sister says,
When hungry,
I am Hulk;
I am pitbull.
Ya girl just likes to eat
But when I am fed,
I promise
I will be peace
Like Mable taught me to be
Peace:
Not the absence of violence,
But the presence of Justice.
So if no Justice
No peace.
I am starving
Pitbull for peace
Ready to Hulk smash oppression
See, Mable
Mable was a child
When Newark went up in flames
See
You don’t watch your home go ablaze
And end up staying the same
No
You arm yourself
Yes, with the whole armor of God
Like your mother taught you
But also
With a thicker skin
That none of this heat can penetrate
And with a weapon
She chose a pen
Much mightier than a sword
Her ink writing for peace
Not the absence of violence
But the presence of Justice
Her ink filled with the blood spilled in her streets
And then she would come to teach
All the little children, and yes, even me
That the power is in connections
That is what Mable taught to me.

Barbara taught me to hold my own.
Pete told me Fret Not
But Pray if you feel alone
Latierra and Ricky
Both taught me to wonder
And Serena taught me
That dancing is greater than pain
Ali taught me God will find you
Even if you’re in the dark.
I never met Maurice,
But his love is always in my heart.
Ulysses taught me always learn first
And Davey taught me to dress my best
Even when they do their worst
Ron & Vette taught me to be loud
Lisa and Al taught me love knows no bounds
Dog taught me to keep my friends close
Mo taught me that royalty
Can come from a crack that bloomed a rose
And Holis, God rest his soul,
May not be blood
But taught me what a man ought to be

I know you asked about me
But I am an unfinished story
The moral of my life
Isn’t complete
But I am that I am
And I am pieces of
Every person I ever lost
A puzzle
Amassing to one lone thought:
Love.

2922 days, 417 weeks, 96 months,
the 8 long years it’s taken for me to know you,
was this born of hate?
is that why i find myself as resentful as i am?
i could never be numb to you,
i could never be apathetic to you,
i could never feel nothing for you,

hate or love,
hate or love,
hate or love,
and i can’t understand what’s in between,

there’s a house stoic hill,
woodland lonesome edelweiss,
just as you’d like
to which i arise,
to which you descend,
i dream about when i’m in the snow,

the house lives and breathes when i could feel the grass on my feet,
i heard you sing through a window ajar,
songs of seraphina,
you are the indescribable view of beauty,

as i open the front door to let myself in i kick the glue from my boots that keep me in place,
i step into rot and decay.
i feel the candles extinguish as i walk past,
i hear the weeping angles,
i smell the cankerous taxidermy,
my hands freeze from the arctic bite of the door handle as i let myself open to discover the indescribable,
asphyxiating from my ring you wear on your neck,
bleeding from my bite on your shoulder,
pale deficient from the dying sun,
the discord that drips from the welt of monstrosity,
why won’t god keep it out my head?
vomit inducing horror i would sooner be blind than see
disgusting shape of unknowable inhumanity,
emotion formed action,
building mountains on your skin,
you moan in pain from knowledge of thyself
but was it me who clipped your wings?

Why can’t we all get along
We act like this or that person don’t belong
Making others feel out of place
Never seeing the hurt behind the smile on their face
Why do we spread more hate then love
Thinking there are others we’re above
We forget we all are human with our own flaws
Wasting more energy spreading hate like it’s in our laws
We just need to love and care for one another
Treat all like they are your sister or brother.
See that’s the key to world peace
Only if hatred would seem to forever cease.

Hey, you, old man.
This is a letter to yourself and from yourself.
You know all those things you’ve done wrong,
Regardless of who’s fault, or who’s right or wrong.
But this is not of that my friend…
Yeah, it’s amazing.You can call yourself friend now, but you are! ♥
I know those things I put myself and others through.
I remember the dreams and aspirations.All the good things I had for you.
Looking back is confusing and God it just makes me cry.
But I’m gonna try to leave You out too.Because this is a letter to myself. To maybe find out why.
But God I can’t, I can’t look back Because it hurts too much…
I can’t go to the beach, I can’t go to school, I can’t go to church, Sitting bereaved, I feel a fool.
But Lord, I can’t do it, I cannot watch.
Cannot go to Toledo. Cannot go to Cleveland cannot go back to jail, God what am I believing?
Cannot run to West Virginia, cannot hospital trend…
All along.I hated myself, yet all the while was a good friend. ☺
I can’t even write.I’m sorry I can’t do this.
All along my life, it was my own mark I missed.
But that’s a good thing because i’m not in hell…
Only I could see my place where ever if I made, could never get bail.
I’m sorry, no can do.
God thank you for saving me from me.

Please know that I am here,
Right by your side,
Even though you don’t see me near,
I promise I’m not that far behind.
Your love follows me everywhere,
As it will for years,
Were the perfect pair,
The couple everyone fears.
Some wish they were us,
But they don’t know what we’ve been through,
Even though they think they do when they discuss,
If they only had a clue.
That does not matter my love,
As you were the one who came and saved me from above.

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being”- Jackie Robinson. So, you want to be a human or citizen don’t let the hurt they have caused define your worth, rise above. I will not let their words push me down before I am taking advantage of my love. Don’t let them make you unhappy and give away your affection. Life lessons taught me, seek respect not perfection. You think this is the world and you are just a product of their environment, and you cannot make it. It will be inevitable that God just allows you to enjoy the moment. Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them. et me be clear, my love is unconditional but your presence in my life is not. The moment you prove that the value of me does not measure up to yourself worth, I’ll have no problem unconditionally loving the memory of you and moving on. If they walk away, let them go. If they don’t value you
enough to work through the hard times, they don’t deserve all the good times. And you gotta read between the lines I’m searching for a way to heal all the last rhymes.

“You don’t ‘make’ someone stop treating you badly. You walk out of their lives and stay out of their lives, and viola…the bad treatment stops. “I can’t control your behavior, nor do I want that burden… but I will not apologize for to be disrespected or to be mistreated I have standards, step
up or step out.” -Steve Maraboli.

A person doesn’t have to only drain you with arguments and fights. they can drain you with lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of respect, lack of empathy, lack of apologizing, lack of acknowledgement and lack of fulfilling your love language know the truth. And I’m caught in a circle of footprints and misfits. By your mistakes no matter how hard you try to fix. Rise up from the hurt, find strength to eclipse. Don’t let the conflict break you that’s a common enemy. Make sure you respect your partner more than you love them, because you can cause a lot of damage to them while still loving them: When you respect them, you’ll think about them before you make any move, and you’ll think about the impact it will have on them. That’s why you have to make a choice don’t let their toxicity condemn. You’re afraid to make amends. What’s the point of being friends? When all you do is pretend. But be certain to make your mind up and get up and bite your tongue. If you want to give up, I don’t want to say goodbye. And you have something your mind tells you otherwise why. If you don’t make the same mistakes you did, that you feel you are lying when you don’t have the time to be lucky. Whenever you’re in doubt and make up just believe that things will work out.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through and how much you’ve been doused.
I’ll break free from the hurt and find bliss.
Only the broken can be fixed.
It’s never too late to realize there’s more to life than this.
There’s a whole world out there to explore, don’t miss. You are just stranded and stopped and blinked. I know it’s hard to believe but, follow your own instinct.
I’ll make my own path and never be extinct.
Take a chance and let your true colors link.
You’re a diamond in disguise, show your inner aspect.
Just like a poetic gift we will make it. When you look in the mirror, everything will be cleansed.
In this life, strive for love and respect and have no regrets.

There is no resolution without first a solution
An awakening, a calling from whence we first knew it

To clear the path before us
From war and destruction and all those who grew it

Let them hear you now

For I am the poet who stands tall

Arm and Arm with the ancestors, sisters, brothers, enbys
I love them all

You cannot take out OUR pride and OUR joy

Your hands are bloody and they constantly toy
With the hate of many, it plagues us all

& We sleep with one eye open now
But the sun will rise again

Because we see you
And we feel you from when you were small

This life you’ve chose was NOT the one you called

Just a mere thorn in your knee that made you fall

From GODs own eyes
Turned to dirty spies

But we are here to help you

Lift you from your broken path

To wipe away your years of endless wrath
That the child inside you has had to carry

Alone and tired and just barely…

Able to breathe a breath of newness
Filled with flowers of love
And their sweet dewness

It is safe to be now
In a place of family

We reach our hands out
Our hearts out
When you are finally ready

…to be as one
Like we’ve only just begun

Growing up I never got the talk about the birds and the bees
Are those the people that find happiness sexually?
Living in a single parent household
I had nothing but love that surrounded me
The joy of spending time with my family
Always brought pure happiness to me
Even though I lacked my father’s presence
I appreciated each and every thing my mom did for me
The variations of what makes me happy
Truly varies from day to day
But most importantly I am happy that God saw fit to wake me up today
The opportunity to make the world a better place
By spreading positivity and living in my purpose
Makes me feel blessed to say the least
Finding love and being loved
Allows me to be prosperous with spreading love daily
I used to say my smile doesn’t often dictate my happiness
These days I add to people’s happiness
By providing great customer service to them adding a smile goes a long way
It makes a huge difference in people’s day
My happiness isn’t always contingent on others
But it sure feels great when I’m happy
And I spread happiness endlessly to those around me
How did I forget to mention that poetry and music also brings me happiness
Being able to write and share my story with people near and far
Is a dream come true
A journey worthy of praise
‘Cause people sometimes tear you down
When they don’t support your vision
Lacking happiness hinders their judgement
Or they don’t understand how to clap
Even if they aren’t the one winning at the moment
Without question music has always been
A vital part of me
Whether it was inspiring me to write poetry
Or my calm when I needed reassurance
It has got me through good days and sad days
Whether it was the melody, beat, lyrics or artist
I always admired how I could relate it to me
Finding happiness in all that I do and the people that surround me
Makes me know that I embody happiness just by being me
So let me ask you:
What does happiness mean to you?

The beauty of a sunrise that melts into our brain
and colors the rest of our day

The sound of music rising within, expanding our heart
with feelings and emotions we can’t even name

The exuberant jumping around the room we call
dancing when no one else is home

The love in the smile of a friend that fills you
with certainty and makes you feel safe

The absolute wonder and magic of the act of
breathing that keeps us alive

The realization that you really do have enough
and could help someone who doesn’t

The power in each of us to make our world better
as we walk into our day with gratitude and joy

You never forget how someone treated you when you were weak, vulnerable, and afraid.

You never forget how someone treated you…

You never forget the one time that you wanted to be acknowledged and you weren’t

You never forget when you went the extra mile and they didn’t

You never forget…

You never forget all the times you stressed and struggled a lone—but with God you kept taking steps forward and saw your way through your storm to brighter days.

You never forget the moment that you realized you were loving others more than they loved you.

You never forget the day you realized it was never team us—but you were always about team you.

You never forget…
You never forget…
Some things you just never forget…

That’s it!
I’m done!
It’s over!
You won!

I’m tired of fighting!
I’m tired of losing!
I’m tired of running!
I’m tired of using!

I’m sick of the lies!
I’m sick of this plug!
I’m sick of not sleeping!
I’m sick of these drugs!

Something has to give!
Something has to break!
Something has to change!
Before it’s too late!

I know I can do this,
I just have to try!
I know that it’s in me,
I don’t want to die!

I’ll do what I have to,
just tell me the way!
I need your help,
and I need it today!

If I wait til tomorrow,
I know I won’t last!
These demons inside me,
are pulling me back!

So God, if you’re there,
can you do it again?
Say “Let there be light,
inside of this man!”

You’re all that I have,
and all that I need.
So please, Lord, help me…
I’m down on my knees.