Getting up
Facing a new day
Is a struggle

What will I have
To look forward to
Pain, always pain
It never goes away

Making the best
of a bad situation
Trying to struggle
Along each day

Put a smile on
My face to hide
The grief inside

Hoping to give hope
To someone I meet
Each and every day

8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:

Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy

I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.

If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).

I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)

#chaseyourdreams

The Art of Growth

Stagnant. Dormant. Idle. Sluggish.
All feelings of a pace I’ve gotten too familiar with.
I’m in a courtship with anxiety,
And an engagement with depression.
Yet, these are two relationships I don’t want to be a part of.

Reflect. Ponder. Meditate. Think.
These daily reminders ping in my head.
Telling me to give myself a break, take it easy, let it out and let it go.
But they only stay for the moment, and then I forget to be kind to myself.

I wonder what being 30 is like for others.
I wonder what being 30 is like for me.
Am I behind? Am I lost? Is this okay?

I reflect on how everyone is moving at their own pace.
I ponder over how far I’ve come, yet how short of a time I’ve been around.
I meditate on how there’s no such thing as behind, because this is my version of now.
I think about how being lost isn’t a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to learn.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. And that’s the art of growth.

I am the girl that can come off a bit clingy
Often scaring those who cross my path.
My thoughts may seem a bit stringy
Coming off to one like a bloodbath.
I will shoot for the stars
Providing those I love with my support.
Depending who looks you can see the scars
This makes some want to abort.
Giving my all with folks that let her through
As they becoming a part of the life.
There are pieces only few knew
I will occasionally show it all within a rife.
No one can tell me who I am
I do not follow a diagram.

The knight elevates the princess
tightening his grasp midair
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Shifting the thread of hair behind
to gain a surpass of what the wave has inside—
the knight elevates the princess.
Giddying as the knight’s veins come through
the heat in the room leaves them breathless:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
The beats sync
taking the space away
the knight elevates the princess.
The grin grows uncontrollably
the palms leaving a trace:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Continuing to go steady
as they snuggle close.
The knight elevates the princess
while they are lost in the brown waves.

Have I ever told you how proud I am?
Of each of the battles you have overcome
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
She’s a writer now
While her sport history is no more
Have I ever told you how proud I am?
Living with the mind battles
Due from the moments God throws her way:
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
Still waking up
Pushing past the hardships
have I ever told you how proud I am?
Have you seen how far you have grown
moments you thought would never surpass
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
If she only knew how great she’s doing
Which I think we’re finally within the place
Have I ever told you how proud I am?
She thinks that her life is not up to par.

The Matrix

I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.

Hi readers my name is c o r t n e y v a l l e. I’m 33 years old I was born and raised in the country in the state of Michigan. No I don’t remember most of my childhood when I got older I was always a problem child to my family everybody else love me but my family couldn’t stand me. When I hit the stage of being able to date and go out with people I always ended up with the wrong ones. Then I found out as I got older that my family was paying for me to be with these wrong people and to get into these situations so that I would never succeed so that I wouldn’t see my riches that I was entitled to that they robbed me from. My second marriage that I had just failed and there was a lot going on behind the scenes and I realized that they paid the man to marry me he was supposed to kill me and then he fell in love with me. He was a warlock and he was also the head of a Freemasonry group in Michigan.on top of that he had four relationships going on that I did not know what the time when I married him he was already with a woman that had kids in Chicago and then he had a man behind the scenes and another man and so basically my whole marriage was just a lie but my parents paid for that to happen so that I could feel worthless but it didn’t work. I was also supposed to be dead because they filed a false life insurance policy on me and my family was involved with him and that as well. There’s also a fox car insurance policy that was involved and there’s also money taken from somebody else that was in hundreds of thousands of dollars that I had nothing to do with but they signed my name on it and so that it’s being investigated as we speak. What I wanted to share was what people could be aware of when this happens you’re not crazy if your life’s going in a cycle and you can’t figure out why you’ve been married like three or four times you don’t need mental health medication chances are that you’ve been being watched and stocked for a long period of time.when you keep seeing the same cars drive by you over and over again it’s not just a coincidence it’s people that are watching you. When you’re on social media and you get all these fake accounts like hey you know I want to give you a free reading or hey you know I would like to date you and it’s these fancy people they’re not real they’re false accounts trying to set you up for failure. I made the mistake of feeling bad for a guy that needed money for his kids online and come to find out it ended up being my mom and my mom was involved with that and then that’s what she used to take my kids away saying that I was making unhealthy choices so she knew what she was doing the whole time. Be very careful with the people that are closest to you and be very careful with how much information you give them because they like to ruin relationships when you finally do get that bus relationship they want to know what you’re doing when you’re doing who’s doing what because they want Total control they’re narcissist personalities and they’re very toxic.I haven’t figured it out yet but I do think that my mom might about my childhood as well who my parents were or something happened to death or something and they tried to cover it up by making me do meditation and shoving pills in my throat. No going from gamestop to the smear campaigns basically I would try to get it job and it didn’t matter if the job was at McDonald’s or at the hospital or where it was I would only last one or two months and then I would be fired and then I will feel horrible about myself but come to find out looking at what I looked at then now she smear campaign this whole town and talked horrible about me and said horrible things to people so that I could not obtain a job because she didn’t want me to succeed because she didn’t want me to have what was entitled to me success and wealth. So like I said I had a hard time finding jobs when I did find jobs didn’t work and I ran my own business and for the first three years it was fine and I couldn’t figure out why but now that I think about it it was about 8 years ago she had something to do with that too she probably is me or campaign the people that I was cleaning for said something bad about the business somebody’s actually done something bad on my business name and I don’t know who don’t care God’s going to deal with that but yeah I was notified that somebody had tried to use my cleaning company and just use it to rip other people off online with PayPal or something. She has a demon and energy in her that I cannot handle that it makes it very hard for me to stay here which is why I’m getting my own place tomorrow but I wanted to be with my kids everyday and so I was thankful for that but at the same time they just talk down on you they talk horrible about you and I don’t say anything cuz I learned that when you’re in this situations sometimes silence is golden.so after I couldn’t obtain a job and all the smear campaigns happened and all this happened and then the online person that she knew was doing what he did and took the money was set up then she took my kids away and I haven’t been able to obtain custody of my children since there was no reason for the judge to take them other than the fact that she said CPS said that there was no reason for them to take them but yet here she is with the kids. And she says things and does things around my kids for them to hate me and yes I did leave for 2 years but I left because of the toxicity my children will understand that but she had no business doing what she did nor did Hillsdale county courthouse and the attorneys and also the people that filed the false documents on the house and the property and everything else that they’ve done to me over the years.so basically ever since 4 years ago when she took the house and then took the money and took the kids and all that happened I haven’t been able to obtain housing because it was during covid and housing was really scarce now apartments are opening up but I really want a house and I know God’s going to provide for me but this is a struggle that I’ve been going through you’re not alone it’s called gang stalking and smear campaign so most of the time if you’re not using drugs and alcohol and you’re trying to obtain a job and you just can’t so you’re not alone if you’ve been trying to obtain a job and you just can’t keep the job or and you’re not using drugs and alcohol or if things are happening that shouldn’t be happening it’s because you somebody has been gang stalking and smear campaigning you since you’ve been born. And I’m kind of pissed because today she said at the bank that her husband needs a new truck and everything and I know exactly where that money came from it was stolen money that was never there and hit part of their inheritance but it makes me mad because she’s got all this stuff and then she wants to talk crap about me knowing we’ll what she did. So so here I am about to get an apartment that she found that again it was picked out and it’s orchestrated so everybody knows where it’s going to be now because she has a lot of f****** mouth and doesn’t shut up because that’s what she does and I’m sure that the job that I get if I get the job that I want it won’t be very long because it’ll be ruined too but you know here’s the thing God said that he’s tired of this now that I know what’s happening and I see what’s happening I’ve taken authority over that and I’m not giving her my energy anymore. She literally left me for Dead and that’s sad that I’m mother whatever do that and then nobody thought that I would ever catch on to this American pain and they just thought that I would give up and then I wouldn’t be dead and or I would be this homeless worthless person and they could just keep running all over me and taking advantage of me no I’m sorry money is the root of all evil and you all are going to pay for every single thing that you’ve taken from me whether it’s been little or big I don’t care I am entitled to certain things and so that’s why I’m at life right now I’m taking back what was mine and should have not been taken. So keep following me on here cuz I’m going to keep updating you guys on what happens in my life and what God’s doing for me. Thank you for listening love you all.