Is my mind fueling my body,
fumes to stay alive?

A stadium is created,
using the circumference of my skull,
hosting the event is my mind.

Body is weak,
eyes are heavy,
they fall shut right on time.

The event has begun,
front row seats,
observing the race around my psyche.

Lap after lap,
neck to neck,
light vs darkness,
race to the death.

Dwindling fumes,
cause tires to screech,
fragmented pieces,
indicate defeat.

Haunting words echo throughout,
piercing my ears with a shrieking sound.
“I won this race, I always will,
haven’t you learned your lesson, my dear?”

Checkered flag sways to signal the end,
fire ignited from within,
shadows appear out of darkness,
self proclaimed eternal damnation.

Much like a phoenix,
I shall burn,
before rising from the ashes.

For I now understand,
the race against darkness,
is only a race against myself.

I am the light,
I am the shadows,
I am everything in between.

The power to defeat dark forces,
begins with believing –
in me.

one day it’s dark,
actually, it’s been dark, for months,
so dark that one could not see in front of them.

however now —
now, there is light.

at the flip of a switch what was once dark — is bright.

the gloomy cloud has passed,
the rain has stopped,
beautiful rainbows begin to appear.

sunlight glistens over the waterfront,
sunlight that makes brown eyes turn to honey,
warmth of light that gives you hope,
fills you full of glee.

the shadows hide away,
the light is beaming,
i can see again,
i can slow down.

i can feel positivity in all that surrounds me.

beauty is in this life,
beauty is all around.

skies turn to cotton candy,
lovers turn to home.

no longer lost,
everything i have longed for,
lays before me.

i see clearly again.

this is who i am.

i am the sunshine,
the light,
the gleeful warmth.

the switch flipped,
my light is now on,
newfound growth shines from within,
creating greater hope for tomorrow.

I stayed in bed
until I reached
the outskirts of morning.

The birds gave pep talks
instead of songs.

I got changed
and found ten dollars
in my pocket.

It’s summer but it rained
and I wonder why nobody
has made laundry powder
that smells exactly like this.

I make the perfect eggs.

The toaster
that loves to burns the edges
leaves them edible.
I thank it for its kindness.

I go outside and jump in a puddle.
There is still that childhood dream
that it will be a portal
to an alternative dimension.
One where Netflix didn’t cancel the OA.
One where we could trade
our sadness for money.
Gosh, would I be filthy rich.

Me and the neighbour
do our awkward dance.
The small talk jive.
We bow and say
‘have a nice day!’
We really mean it.

I walk to the coffee shop
and the sky is still
rubbing sleep from its eyes.

The wind is playing solos
on telephone wires.

I hold the door for a stranger
and we share a smile.

I tell the barista a joke
and we both laugh
at how unfunny it is.

I take the ten dollars
and order a flat white, one sugar.
I say keep the change.

I find a bench, and I ruminate.

I realise
Happiness is right here –
why are we crying
like it is so far away?

Hello my friend
May I share with you my perfect day?
I hope you’ll stay until the very end.
First I wake with the golden sun, grateful and joyful – I pray.
Hydrate and fill this vessel with fuel
Moving and stretching keeps my emotions cool
Giving thanks for each moment I’m given
This life flows with grace like a ribbon
My love then goes freely to all of Gods creatures
The large and small – all have different features
Life sweet like the slow drip of honey straight from the comb
I never rush, worry or stress because I know in my heart, I am always home.

Don’t Give Up, It’s a Lie
I’ll tell you a story. Four years ago, I sat at the end of my chair at seven at night. I was tired, no exhausted, desperate, fearful, and as hopeless as I have ever felt in this false world, I built around me and played a make-believe character in, and I knew. I don’t know how I hadn’t known before. Maybe I had. Maybe I had always known. But right then I knew for sure.

It was a lie.

It was clearer to me in that moment than it had ever been before. I knew it without a doubt in my mind. I knew it and nothing and no one could ever change my mind.

It was a lie.

I did all the things you should do in that situation. I bent my head and covered my face and prayed. I prayed and I prayed and then I prayed some more. Tears streamed down my face, dripping on my shoes. The harder I prayed the more I knew.

It was a lie.

I had come to this place, this holy sanctuary three years earlier, searching, pleading for healing. I’d spent twenty-seven months on my knees in earnest prayerful repentance. I’d sat in circles surrounded on both sides by sexual addicts, pedophiles, and the sexually broken searching for healing. I’d listened for the voice of God to speak to me and fix my brokenness. To make me whole, make me straight. I’d sung songs, read verses, prayed endless prayers and nothing. But I tell you that night as my tears ran off the sides of my shoes and dripped to the floor, I knew.

It was a lie.

There was no amount of prayer or repentance that could make me straight. There was no sickness to heal in me. There was no sin to forgive. I was a lesbian not a sexual deviant, a lesbian. Everything they were telling me was false.

It was a lie.

Today I know as I did that night that I am whole just as I am. I’m not broken. I’ve heard a great deal about reparative therapy and trust me when I say it doesn’t work. Whatever else you read, whatever else you hear, remember this, it is not true. You cannot fix a homosexual and make them straight.

Don’t Give Up, It’s a Lie!

Perfectly Equal

Once upon a perfect day
All were equal in every way

Not color nor gender
Did prevent the render

Of kindness and care
Bestowed on everyone everywhere

In fact, all differences at hand
We celebrated in fashion most grand

And an impenetrable sphere
Protecting both straight and queer

And those dark skinned and light
Surrounded our earth, preventing a blight

Which threatened evil and strife
Upon this our most perfect life

For hate may have been the prequel
But equal would be the sequel

On this most perfect day
Conjured and imagined my way

It’s a perfect day, let’s go slay.
Waking up feels great, my body’s not in pain. My brain no longer insane, I’m tame.
I put my doc’s on and stroll out the door on this beautiful 80 degree day.
My gosh the beauty I see before me,
neighbors smiling and I am stylin’
Jeeps workin’ just fine wow that just blew my mind
I feel like I’m in a Muppet movie surrounded by singing
And dancing I feel fantastic not a bit sarcastic
nope…. no work today! Just me, myself, and I

You remind me of a rainbow, shining bright and beautiful after a storm. How light can be found in even the darkest of times. Storms may blow through, causing mass destruction, yet there you are colored with glee. Despite it all, you never fail to shine. Each stripe painted of your rainbow projects the creativity held deep within. Much like a chameleon, you never fail to embrace your surroundings. Casting a positive light in the midst of chaos. Such a simple, magical, being you are. Sunsets, starry nights, the smell of morning dew in the beginning of spring, they all remind me of you. However, you too remind me of a cold dark winter day. Somber skies with an overcast of gloom. Although melancholy lurks through the air, you bring a sense of comfort and home. A sense of safety. Almost as if you were an alternate reality, an escape room if you will. You’ve been battered and bruised but you are still here thriving. The beauty comes from being able to navigate this challenging maze of life, and always coming out with a better sense of self even when you wanted to give up. Inspirational resilience. Nonetheless, bright and beautiful, or cold and dark, you are always yourself, never giving up – and for that I love you.

Hello, my name is Ash Raymond James.
Count the rings around my eyes;
they will tell you I’m infinite.
Thirty-three but endless.

I am six feet tall,
but I have sixty-foot confidence.

I am not capable of being embarrassed,
but have you seen the way I dance?
I look like I’m on fire
and I probably should be ashamed
but I often end up setting the night ablaze
because I have the sort of joy
that is contagious.

My favourite song is my own laughter.
I laugh at my own jokes until it rains.
The sky has a secret addiction
to dad jokes and other people’s happiness.

It cries out of pure elation.
Finds it insulting when people
don’t throw down in its puddles
so I shimmy a little
and I don’t care who’s watching.

I am the sort of person
who could accidentally start a flash mob.

People have the audacity
to tell me I have no rhythm
but I move to a melody
only a few can comprehend.
I think I am a little ahead of my time.
There is a chance I am from the future
or I could have just watched too many sci-fi movies.

It’s been said that my head is in the clouds
but I am actually wiping stardust
from my moustache, often
as I have always believed
if you aren’t going to pay attention
you may as well discover planets.

It took some work, but I finally understand self-gentleness.
My heart makes my mind breakfast in bed,
and my mind sings lullabies to my heart
whenever it can’t sleep and throws itself around my chest.

I learnt the secret to breathing
is realising you deserve every breath
and now I swim with the fishes
in my spare time.

The kindest thing I ever did was love myself;
the bravest thing I am ever going to do
is never stop
even when my every atom
is trying to convince me I should.