When I first became aware of the importance of you, I was an adult who had been put through so much trauma that I mourned the loss of your innocence. I sat in my grieving with you for much longer than I should have. I pretended I was fine. I pretended we were fine. We were not fine. Not fine in any way! I pretended that the pain that would encompass most of your childhood and young adulthood just was not that bad. In realty, it was not great! In reality it was abusive and toxic! I did not want to face the layers of traumas. The pain was just too intense! I just couldn’t stand seeing how much you had been hurt until I faced those layers of pain as an adult. I put off facing the layers of pain for far too long. Then when I began to face it, I got accused for many years of just not letting go of my past. I would get yelled at by my mother for just not letting it go! The truth was she did not want to face what had happened to me either. Then she would have to do some inner work. That is her journey. For me, the truth was that I had to chip away layer after layer in order to free and heal myself from the confines of my childhood. I spent eight years actively healing the traumas that had happened from the time I was nine years old until I was thirty-six when I had blown up my abusive marriage with divorce! The explosion of my marriage was my way of setting myself free from all of the abusive narratives I refused to accept any longer! Oh how I am proud of myself for that disruption to my timeline! I did not want to repeat the patterns that had led me to the fact I had survived many layers of abuse as a child and as an adult because I thought that was my fate! Oh how I want to go back and hug the thirty-six year old version of myself. I will get there, but first I had to love on the little girl who I look at each day in a Polaroid photo that feels as the perfect reminder of how precious time can be when we look backwards or forwards. Looking at that little girl in that Polaroid photo held my motivation to stay on my journey of insisting that I had to heal as my guiding force. I also needed to look at this photo to Remind me that I refused for my children to have to survive the unhealed parts of their mother on their own journey from childhood through adulthood. I demanded better for them! I demand better for myself!

Now, I work a little harder every day to heal what had been done to you. What had been done to us. I keep a picture of you at the age of eight at my desk to remind myself every single day that, you are loved. I tell the younger version of myself each day, “I love you.” I actively have changed the way I look at myself as an adult, because I have learned to love the younger version of myself. Now, I count the blessings that helped me to survive the abusive nature of my childhood. I focus on the people who helped me to be a better version of myself. I focus on the people who loved me when I could not love myself. They saw that I was more than the circumstances of my childhood which would bleed into my young adulthood. I look at that picture of myself at eight years every single day to remind me that I am still amazing with a world ahead of me! I no longer grieve the loss of her. I embrace her with all the good and all the bad! I am not defined nor am I broken, but all those experiences I have navigated through.Now, I look at the possibilities ahead of me! Those experiences made an impact that I carry each day as a reminder of how far we have come. My younger self and who I am now match one another. I look at how far we have healed and some of the work I still have to do on my path to further my healing. This daily reminder interlaced within one Polaroid photo has helped me to reignite the pain that I had stuffed down for so long. I had to look back and face the pain in order to make sense out of it, so I could move forward and not inflict that pain onto anyone else. I needed to learn to love myself! I needed to learn to empower myself!

Looking back is not always a bad thing. It just is a way if used with a healing intention a way to simply heal what had been hurt with myself. I cannot speak for anyone else’s journey, but for my own. I love that vivacious energy I had as a child! Those endless imaginative ways I saw the possibilities of world was inspiring to others, but most of all to the older version of myself! I just wouldn’t realize it until I became an adult and faced it. I have done the work. I have looked at each nook and cranny of my past. All I see now is a girl who needs more hugs, more reassurances that she on a better path that I can now give to myself. I no longer look outside of myself to know I am lovable! I tell myself every single day that I am worthy of love! So, as I look at the photo of the younger version of myself as I write this I am reminded that, I love how beautiful you looked in your sun dress and that you had a smile that you see in your son! I love that your eyes sparkle like your daughter! I simply love that you are apart of me! As I look at that Polaroid photo I see your energy was not taken advantage of then and you had endless ways to show off your silliness! I needed the daily reminder that as an adult now, I am amazed with you and how you hard you held the innocence of all that encompasses you! I hold that so close to my heart for us. Every day I look at that picture where you are smiling and full of joy and I see my kids! I see the love and security I poured into them so they did not have to suffer the way you would a few years after that photo was taken. Sarah Jayne, I love you with all of my heart!

Dear Ideal Rachel,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing this to you in a tough time. It is October 29, 2023. It is a cold, sunny Sunday. The whole weekend I have been upset; I do not know why. I think it is because I am in a perpetual state of loneliness that I cannot seem to escape. In my ideal world I would not feel this pain, this loneliness, this urge to scream and yell at everyone that has ever wronged me, but without this urge and pain, I would not be alive.

My ideal self is someone who has improved. Someone who has gotten better every day. I hope that I am ideal in the future. I hope that everyday makes you smile, I hope you are happy and proud of your life, proud of me.

I do not know why life is this hard and I wish you could write back to me and tell me what is going to happen or tell me what to do with my life, or at least tell me if anything I am doing will pay off. I know you cannot, and it hurts to know that there is a possibility that I will end up sad and alone, living a miserable life. On the other hand, it inspires me that every day is a new chance. I have hundreds of days left to love, to live, to get better.

Someday, I hope to be in your shoes right now and write a letter to my even more ideal self. Maybe your ideal self is someone completely different, and I love to think about that. I also would love to be that person. I hope that you are living by yourself, something I have dreamed of for years. Hopefully, we will still have a cat, preferably the one I have now. I want to stay in Washington, we have always lived here, everything we have ever loved is here.

Usually, people send these letters to get advice, or to ask for something. I am sending this to you to let you know that I am struggling. The world seems to hate me, and it often is kicking me down. I often break down crying because I do not know where I am, what to do, or wonder why people cannot love me the way I love them. It is heartbreaking to live like this. Even so, I have never felt so alive. I have never been this content in my life. Something about crying, realizing my mistake and what I can do to fix it, and moving on, is so rewarding. Hard days or not, I am proud of me. I am proud of me for not ending my life two years ago. I am proud that I saved myself. I am proud to be alive for you. I am proud to be alive for me.

Have a wonderful life, I will see you.

Best wishes,

For most of my life I have smothered myself beneath the ideals of others.
These expectations pushed me into boxes where I did not fit, but I tried to contort and carve away at myself to appease the “rules.”
I thought if I broke them, I would be broken. They were unyielding, so I yielded my will to their commands.

And then one day I stretched out of my box. I worried what others would think, what would become of me, what of the people who were depending on me to be “the good girl” they knew?
But as I stretched, I discovered that parts of my heart were sore.. and some were so weak from lack of use. So much of myself had remained unseen and untested in my box, and do I decided to slowly explore.

I began to see that the ideals I’d chased–
Perfect job, perfect shape
Perfect family, perfect place–
Weren’t what I really wanted.
The fact was, I didn’t know what I really wanted!
But even still, letting go of them was so hard.
Allowing myself to change my expectations was met with a lot of internal resistance.
It was easier in my box, safer.
Don’t make a mess, don’t rock the boat.

But would I ever be happy living someone else’s life? Someone else’s idea of “perfect?”

Dear Me,
I hope you know that YOU are ideal. Right now. As you are.
You don’t have to measure up to anyone’s imaginary lines on the wall. Life isn’t about how tall you are, how skinny, how fat. Life isn’t about collecting diplomas or six figure incomes. Life isn’t about what your family looks like, how many rooms are in your house.

Take up the space you need to. Even when you want to shrink yourself down.
See your beauty, inside and out. Even when the world spins negative commentary on how you look.
Value the lessons you’ve learned, and the ones that will come. Even when conventional school might not be your route.
Know that you do not need another person to complete you. Hold on to the hope that you will find someone whole, who will see you as whole, too.

When I picture you, I don’t see specific features or physical parameters that I need to meet. Life hacks or goal markers that I have to achieve by certain deadlines. Instead I feel a sense, a reassurance that you are someone who has let go of the weight of measuring up. Someone who makes choices based on kindness and light and love, not for the applause of the world.. but of the people around you. The ones who know that you are worthy of love now, not after passing tests or checking off requirements.

There is no standard of perfection. You are perfection. Simply YOU.

Love, Me.

I’m not a robot
I wasn’t made to spew facts over feelings
I feel freely and deeply
I cannot deny my experiences and my story
I have a story that people may know nothing about
There is no formula or algorithm to predict what and how intense I will feel.
I just do.
So mind what you say and do
Because you’ve never walked a mile in my shoes

I’m not a scarecrow full of stuffing and no brain
I know when I am not being respected
I know when there is not an equal exchange of time, energy, effort, and love being given
I know when love is being withheld.
I have learned the difference between tough love and blatant disrespect under the guise of tough love
My brain on the best of days tells me of my worth
My brain on the worst of days may try to lie to me
But that does not change the truth
And the truth is that I deserve to be invested in
I am worth people’s time, energy, effort, and love.
And I will settle for nothing less.

I’m not a tin woman
I have a heart
It beats, it breaks, it bleeds
It can shatter, it can also be stitched up
It is a treasure
Only those who are worthy of it can hold it
But it shines for all to see
Those who approach it must learn to honor it
For they would want theirs to be received in gentleness and love
Just as I do.

I’m not a cowardly lion anymore.
I have found my courage.
And if you disrespect me you will hear me roar
I will roar loudly and mightily for what I deserve
I will no longer tolerate disrespect
I will be my own hero.

I’m not a lot of things
But I am a human
I am a daughter of the King
I had dignity and worth from the moment of my birth
And that will never change
So regardless of how you perceive me
With the utmost respect is how you should receive me.

It was Aretha Franklin who once sang about respect. As a matter of fact, she spelled it out in her cover of what was originally an Otis Redding single. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take out TCB,” her lyrics went.

While singing about respect is easy (and Aretha Franklin’s single is proof of that, as it topped the United States Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard Hot Rhythm and Blues charts upon its 1967 release, along with winning two Grammy Awards), actually getting it is hard stuff. It’s harder still when you have autism like I do.

When I was going to high school, my mother was concerned when I started hanging out with my classmates at the lunch table. She legitimately thought that they were going to poke fun at me because I’m on the spectrum.

Nothing of the sort was ever the case. They respected me and treated me as an equal, including me in the conversation whenever I had something to say.

As I navigated through my college career, I found that earning respect became easier with time. I was a star sports reporter and sports columnist for my school newspaper, winning the respect of my fellow staff and the Youngstown State Sports Information Department.

Upon graduating, I entered into a year filled with uncertainty as to what would happen as far as professional employment went. I thought I nailed down a production assistant’s job at my local CBS affiliate, but as time went on, the dream became unrealized.

Once I started writing about MMA and soccer, I gained the respect of a few MMA promotions and those people working in MLS. Just like I’d done in the past, I earned this respect.

Bottom line: You can’t count on respect being handed out to you like trick-or-treat candy in late October. Sometimes, you have to earn it yourself.

We are shackled by insecurities
Followers and likes make up our worth
External validation is what we seek
It’s a never-ending curse

But I was looking in the wrong places
The answers are found deep within
So I’m reintroducing myself to me
And so this new journey begins

Hello, it’s nice to meet you
I’ve longed for a best friend
I decided to become the things I need
No longer living a life of pretend

I tell myself I’m worthy
And validation starts with me
I no longer need to look elsewhere
I’m exactly where I need to be

I was born to be successful
I was born to share my gifts
I was born to give love to this world
I was born to build and uplift

I am worthy because I’m loving
I am worthy because I care
I am worthy and uniquely created
Hand-crafted with so much to share

You are worthy when you wake up
You are worthy when the sun sets
You are worthy and I love you
In case no one has told you that yet

Dear Gerald,
If there’s one lesson you’ve learned in all the years you’ve been on this Earth, is that you were worthy of respect all along. 

You knew deep inside your heart since you were little that you desired to be respected like a lot of your peers, family members, teachers, celebrities, and authority figures who you saw had a lot of respect, like the Reverends and Pastors you grew up watching preaching in a few Baptist churches. 

But respect was rare in your early journey. Not a lot of people shared your deep belief that you were worthy of respect. You were undermined, dismissed, and belittled just for existing how you wanted to exist. 

That soft-spoken sensitive soul just wanted to enjoy being comfortable in his own skin. But the troublemakers refuse to let that happen. 

These experiences of disrespect created doubt & inner demons that you would wrestle with throughout your teens and early 20s, while you tried to figure out who you were and where you fit in a microwave world. 

The inner demons desperately wanted to take you out and celebrate victory. But, something made you keep fighting, because you didn’t want them to win the war. 

Today in 2023, you still stand, feeling stronger than ever. Plus, you can say without hesitation that not only are you worthy of respect, but that anything less than the respect you expect is unacceptable. 

The disrespect you’ve endured throughout your life taught you that respect for self is imperative -  because without it, other people will disrespect you if they have the chance to. 

You’re worthy of respect because you’ve always strived to be a respectable person in a sincere way. The road wasn’t easy to achieve that. But you went through the fire to know what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to how you want people to treat you. 

You give people a chance to show why they should be respected and to see if you should respect them. If they failed the test, then they failed your class. 

You’ve learned repeatedly that respect should flow both ways between two people (or more) who appreciate each other. If respect is only flowing one way, the person who isn’t being respected must demonstrate self-love by removing themselves completely from that person. 

It can be a challenge at times to say that we’re worthy of respect if we rarely receive respect from others. But when we have people who care about us and show us how respect for ourselves should look, we can say what’s true in our hearts, that we’re worthy of respect too.

Sincerely,
Gerald

My presence Is a Present
I’d say kiss my ass
But 9/10 times you probably already did
Or at least fantasized about it

Don’t take my love for weakness
Or my heart for granted
because when I hit you
with the access denied
You gone panic

I’m a prize
But I’m not a trophy
I’m a treasure
But I’m not just for your pleasure

You can’t pick me up
and put me down
When you don’t want me

I promise you
I won’t sit around and collect dust
Waiting and debating
Should I stay or should I go

Because the difference
between me and a trophy
Is that I won’t be around
when the dust settles
Because I don’t settle

I’ve wasted too much
Of my time
Trying to be patient
But you can lead a horse
To water
But that doesn’t mean it’s gone drink it

Like what makes you think
You can play with me
I’m more than what you see
dope vibes
And energy
So don’t you dare
Come to me
Past your prime
I’m not sorry to say You’re out of time

You should have been
On your knees
Worshipping me
I’m a Queen

Better yet a Goddess

I surpass the constraints
of the program
I know
who I am
and who I be

So nothing you do
Can phase me
You can’t even
Amaze me

I’m priceless
So my presence
Is a blessing
And you’re ungrateful
I don’t have to be with you
To know you ain’t faithful
I can tell by your distasteful
Inconsistent lukewarm ways

My presence is valuable
And you missed out

Someone pour out
Libation for them

Feel sorry for them
Because I don’t
Dust settles
But I won’t

I will always be worthy
Of love
I don’t need them
To justify it
They knew it too
That’s why they sometimes
Treat me the way they do

I’m the most
Precious thing
You could have ever
Held in your hand
A heart of gold
Love as endless as grains of sand
A pure soul

A smile that’s a work of art
A body only the creator could design

And if you don’t think I’m worthy
That’s perfectly fine