Dear Ideal Rachel,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing this to you in a tough time. It is October 29, 2023. It is a cold, sunny Sunday. The whole weekend I have been upset; I do not know why. I think it is because I am in a perpetual state of loneliness that I cannot seem to escape. In my ideal world I would not feel this pain, this loneliness, this urge to scream and yell at everyone that has ever wronged me, but without this urge and pain, I would not be alive.

My ideal self is someone who has improved. Someone who has gotten better every day. I hope that I am ideal in the future. I hope that everyday makes you smile, I hope you are happy and proud of your life, proud of me.

I do not know why life is this hard and I wish you could write back to me and tell me what is going to happen or tell me what to do with my life, or at least tell me if anything I am doing will pay off. I know you cannot, and it hurts to know that there is a possibility that I will end up sad and alone, living a miserable life. On the other hand, it inspires me that every day is a new chance. I have hundreds of days left to love, to live, to get better.

Someday, I hope to be in your shoes right now and write a letter to my even more ideal self. Maybe your ideal self is someone completely different, and I love to think about that. I also would love to be that person. I hope that you are living by yourself, something I have dreamed of for years. Hopefully, we will still have a cat, preferably the one I have now. I want to stay in Washington, we have always lived here, everything we have ever loved is here.

Usually, people send these letters to get advice, or to ask for something. I am sending this to you to let you know that I am struggling. The world seems to hate me, and it often is kicking me down. I often break down crying because I do not know where I am, what to do, or wonder why people cannot love me the way I love them. It is heartbreaking to live like this. Even so, I have never felt so alive. I have never been this content in my life. Something about crying, realizing my mistake and what I can do to fix it, and moving on, is so rewarding. Hard days or not, I am proud of me. I am proud of me for not ending my life two years ago. I am proud that I saved myself. I am proud to be alive for you. I am proud to be alive for me.

Have a wonderful life, I will see you.

Best wishes,

For most of my life I have smothered myself beneath the ideals of others.
These expectations pushed me into boxes where I did not fit, but I tried to contort and carve away at myself to appease the “rules.”
I thought if I broke them, I would be broken. They were unyielding, so I yielded my will to their commands.

And then one day I stretched out of my box. I worried what others would think, what would become of me, what of the people who were depending on me to be “the good girl” they knew?
But as I stretched, I discovered that parts of my heart were sore.. and some were so weak from lack of use. So much of myself had remained unseen and untested in my box, and do I decided to slowly explore.

I began to see that the ideals I’d chased–
Perfect job, perfect shape
Perfect family, perfect place–
Weren’t what I really wanted.
The fact was, I didn’t know what I really wanted!
But even still, letting go of them was so hard.
Allowing myself to change my expectations was met with a lot of internal resistance.
It was easier in my box, safer.
Don’t make a mess, don’t rock the boat.

But would I ever be happy living someone else’s life? Someone else’s idea of “perfect?”

Dear Me,
I hope you know that YOU are ideal. Right now. As you are.
You don’t have to measure up to anyone’s imaginary lines on the wall. Life isn’t about how tall you are, how skinny, how fat. Life isn’t about collecting diplomas or six figure incomes. Life isn’t about what your family looks like, how many rooms are in your house.

Take up the space you need to. Even when you want to shrink yourself down.
See your beauty, inside and out. Even when the world spins negative commentary on how you look.
Value the lessons you’ve learned, and the ones that will come. Even when conventional school might not be your route.
Know that you do not need another person to complete you. Hold on to the hope that you will find someone whole, who will see you as whole, too.

When I picture you, I don’t see specific features or physical parameters that I need to meet. Life hacks or goal markers that I have to achieve by certain deadlines. Instead I feel a sense, a reassurance that you are someone who has let go of the weight of measuring up. Someone who makes choices based on kindness and light and love, not for the applause of the world.. but of the people around you. The ones who know that you are worthy of love now, not after passing tests or checking off requirements.

There is no standard of perfection. You are perfection. Simply YOU.

Love, Me.

Ambitious younger Morgan,

I’m writing you this letter
To warn you of the future
In hopes that you do better

At age fifteen you’ve put
Your worth in all you do
Obsessing over everything you could
And would
And should

Now that you are older
You’ve learned it isn’t true
Some tension’s left your shoulders
And you sometimes do
What’s good for you

You grew up like a boomerang
Digressing in your stress
And coming back to you again
By doing less
By saying yes
To success
By your own definition
Letting go of ambition.

I’m not a robot
I wasn’t made to spew facts over feelings
I feel freely and deeply
I cannot deny my experiences and my story
I have a story that people may know nothing about
There is no formula or algorithm to predict what and how intense I will feel.
I just do.
So mind what you say and do
Because you’ve never walked a mile in my shoes

I’m not a scarecrow full of stuffing and no brain
I know when I am not being respected
I know when there is not an equal exchange of time, energy, effort, and love being given
I know when love is being withheld.
I have learned the difference between tough love and blatant disrespect under the guise of tough love
My brain on the best of days tells me of my worth
My brain on the worst of days may try to lie to me
But that does not change the truth
And the truth is that I deserve to be invested in
I am worth people’s time, energy, effort, and love.
And I will settle for nothing less.

I’m not a tin woman
I have a heart
It beats, it breaks, it bleeds
It can shatter, it can also be stitched up
It is a treasure
Only those who are worthy of it can hold it
But it shines for all to see
Those who approach it must learn to honor it
For they would want theirs to be received in gentleness and love
Just as I do.

I’m not a cowardly lion anymore.
I have found my courage.
And if you disrespect me you will hear me roar
I will roar loudly and mightily for what I deserve
I will no longer tolerate disrespect
I will be my own hero.

I’m not a lot of things
But I am a human
I am a daughter of the King
I had dignity and worth from the moment of my birth
And that will never change
So regardless of how you perceive me
With the utmost respect is how you should receive me.

The reasons why I am worthy of the utmost respect
Are the reasons here below that I am going to reflect
My presence and energy speaks for itself
I put others before me, especially when they need the help
I do not project my problems and pain onto others
I am not a fighter, I am a lover
I value introspection and personal growth
I know my value and I know my worth
I lead with my heart, and follow my passions
I do not fall for the latest trends, fake news, or fashions
The traumatic experiences I went through up until now, shaped me into who I am today
The darkness is my friend, but the light is where I choose to stay
My mission here on Earth is different than most
I am a messenger of the divine and I am used as a host
The journey I am on is that of a generational curse breaker
I am here to lift the collective consciousness up further
My soul is a beacon of light for others who are in a dark place
Higher vibrational states of consciousness are what I choose to embrace
The reasons listed above barely scratched the surface
Overall, my presence here on Earth is for a far, more greater purpose

It was Aretha Franklin who once sang about respect. As a matter of fact, she spelled it out in her cover of what was originally an Otis Redding single. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take out TCB,” her lyrics went.

While singing about respect is easy (and Aretha Franklin’s single is proof of that, as it topped the United States Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard Hot Rhythm and Blues charts upon its 1967 release, along with winning two Grammy Awards), actually getting it is hard stuff. It’s harder still when you have autism like I do.

When I was going to high school, my mother was concerned when I started hanging out with my classmates at the lunch table. She legitimately thought that they were going to poke fun at me because I’m on the spectrum.

Nothing of the sort was ever the case. They respected me and treated me as an equal, including me in the conversation whenever I had something to say.

As I navigated through my college career, I found that earning respect became easier with time. I was a star sports reporter and sports columnist for my school newspaper, winning the respect of my fellow staff and the Youngstown State Sports Information Department.

Upon graduating, I entered into a year filled with uncertainty as to what would happen as far as professional employment went. I thought I nailed down a production assistant’s job at my local CBS affiliate, but as time went on, the dream became unrealized.

Once I started writing about MMA and soccer, I gained the respect of a few MMA promotions and those people working in MLS. Just like I’d done in the past, I earned this respect.

Bottom line: You can’t count on respect being handed out to you like trick-or-treat candy in late October. Sometimes, you have to earn it yourself.

We are shackled by insecurities
Followers and likes make up our worth
External validation is what we seek
It’s a never-ending curse

But I was looking in the wrong places
The answers are found deep within
So I’m reintroducing myself to me
And so this new journey begins

Hello, it’s nice to meet you
I’ve longed for a best friend
I decided to become the things I need
No longer living a life of pretend

I tell myself I’m worthy
And validation starts with me
I no longer need to look elsewhere
I’m exactly where I need to be

I was born to be successful
I was born to share my gifts
I was born to give love to this world
I was born to build and uplift

I am worthy because I’m loving
I am worthy because I care
I am worthy and uniquely created
Hand-crafted with so much to share

You are worthy when you wake up
You are worthy when the sun sets
You are worthy and I love you
In case no one has told you that yet

I think I am worthy.
I was born from the womb, screaming so.
Feed me!
Bathe me!
Let me sleep!
Take care of me!
Oh, please, please,
love me.
I was born with my body believing, with every ounce, that it deserved love.
It was the world, today’s world, that made me think otherwise.
Or maybe, once I started thinking about love and stopped being it,
is when the disconnect truly began.
Regardless, one day, I’m not sure when,
or how soon,
the world stopped feeding me.
Cleansing me.
Letting me rest.
And in turn, I surrendered my body to it,
because I did not know where else to get my love.
It was not until Later,
when I started feeding myself,
bathing myself,
and giving myself permission
to rest,
that I recovered
my nourishment,
my cleanliness,
and my wholeness.
With this,
I was able to disconnect from the world,
at Long Last,
and see my worth,
Once Again.
I could see how I was love,
just by myself,
just by existing!
That’s what I knew before,
before I stopped demanding it,
that it was a deserved breath.
Love is a birthright.
And with love, respect comes beautifully entwined.
I deserve respect because it is what gives power to the very core of our beings.
Love,
love,
love.
The one thing that powers us all from the moment we are born,
during, after, completely,
and until the end of time.
And is not the very force of our existence deserving of respect?

How you go? I go by Sole. That’s S-O-L-E like the shoes on ya feet. Now repeat after me: “I am worthy of a peaceful and prosperous life. I deserve to be free.”

Man, fuck your worth, I deserve peace! I’m the one out here in these streets. I’m the one sacrificing my dreams. I’m the one neglected, forced to feel defeat over and over and over, on repeat. I’m the one that had to help you clean them dirty ass sheets. I’m the one who had to force you to eat. I’m the one who never got to speak, and I’m the one who did all that shit for free… and I kept it discrete.
Cuz your pain wasn’t for the whole world to see. So I fabricated a world where you didn’t have to flee. Gave you a space to express your creativity. Gave your lonely ass a sense of connectivity, even while dealing with all your undeserved egocentricity. Dug through all the bullshit and gave you your authenticity. Made sure not one soul, not even your mama, would notice your declivity. I joined the army to fight the tears while you ran and cried to your mommy. In this circus of a world, I became the ring leader, while you settled for being just a carny. I read every book and learned from every pastor, preacher, and swami, while you cursed the mere idea of Bani. I learned to be silent every time we’d disagree and dealt with every plea of “Lord, please just take me.” You destroyed your home and I rummaged through all the debris searching for the key to keeping you happy. I cut off so many parts of myself I might as well be an amputee. I kept calm and collected while you were begging for attention, screaming like a banshee. I waded and swam, nearly drowned in your emotional tsunami. I took every toll and paid every price, with no indemnity. Well now all that I do costs, now there’s a fee. Cuz just like you, I deserve to be free. Now, you have no choice but to respect me.

Dear Gerald,
If there’s one lesson you’ve learned in all the years you’ve been on this Earth, is that you were worthy of respect all along. 

You knew deep inside your heart since you were little that you desired to be respected like a lot of your peers, family members, teachers, celebrities, and authority figures who you saw had a lot of respect, like the Reverends and Pastors you grew up watching preaching in a few Baptist churches. 

But respect was rare in your early journey. Not a lot of people shared your deep belief that you were worthy of respect. You were undermined, dismissed, and belittled just for existing how you wanted to exist. 

That soft-spoken sensitive soul just wanted to enjoy being comfortable in his own skin. But the troublemakers refuse to let that happen. 

These experiences of disrespect created doubt & inner demons that you would wrestle with throughout your teens and early 20s, while you tried to figure out who you were and where you fit in a microwave world. 

The inner demons desperately wanted to take you out and celebrate victory. But, something made you keep fighting, because you didn’t want them to win the war. 

Today in 2023, you still stand, feeling stronger than ever. Plus, you can say without hesitation that not only are you worthy of respect, but that anything less than the respect you expect is unacceptable. 

The disrespect you’ve endured throughout your life taught you that respect for self is imperative -  because without it, other people will disrespect you if they have the chance to. 

You’re worthy of respect because you’ve always strived to be a respectable person in a sincere way. The road wasn’t easy to achieve that. But you went through the fire to know what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to how you want people to treat you. 

You give people a chance to show why they should be respected and to see if you should respect them. If they failed the test, then they failed your class. 

You’ve learned repeatedly that respect should flow both ways between two people (or more) who appreciate each other. If respect is only flowing one way, the person who isn’t being respected must demonstrate self-love by removing themselves completely from that person. 

It can be a challenge at times to say that we’re worthy of respect if we rarely receive respect from others. But when we have people who care about us and show us how respect for ourselves should look, we can say what’s true in our hearts, that we’re worthy of respect too.

Sincerely,
Gerald

My presence Is a Present
I’d say kiss my ass
But 9/10 times you probably already did
Or at least fantasized about it

Don’t take my love for weakness
Or my heart for granted
because when I hit you
with the access denied
You gone panic

I’m a prize
But I’m not a trophy
I’m a treasure
But I’m not just for your pleasure

You can’t pick me up
and put me down
When you don’t want me

I promise you
I won’t sit around and collect dust
Waiting and debating
Should I stay or should I go

Because the difference
between me and a trophy
Is that I won’t be around
when the dust settles
Because I don’t settle

I’ve wasted too much
Of my time
Trying to be patient
But you can lead a horse
To water
But that doesn’t mean it’s gone drink it

Like what makes you think
You can play with me
I’m more than what you see
dope vibes
And energy
So don’t you dare
Come to me
Past your prime
I’m not sorry to say You’re out of time

You should have been
On your knees
Worshipping me
I’m a Queen

Better yet a Goddess

I surpass the constraints
of the program
I know
who I am
and who I be

So nothing you do
Can phase me
You can’t even
Amaze me

I’m priceless
So my presence
Is a blessing
And you’re ungrateful
I don’t have to be with you
To know you ain’t faithful
I can tell by your distasteful
Inconsistent lukewarm ways

My presence is valuable
And you missed out

Someone pour out
Libation for them

Feel sorry for them
Because I don’t
Dust settles
But I won’t

I will always be worthy
Of love
I don’t need them
To justify it
They knew it too
That’s why they sometimes
Treat me the way they do

I’m the most
Precious thing
You could have ever
Held in your hand
A heart of gold
Love as endless as grains of sand
A pure soul

A smile that’s a work of art
A body only the creator could design

And if you don’t think I’m worthy
That’s perfectly fine

A seed is planted in the ground with purpose, igniting a fire, taking up space
A new life is born
Our ancestors were born at a precise moment in time
Allowing you, me, we to be born
Written in the stars we were to live in this moment
A mosaic of all those who came before
Walking alongside us, growing with us
Time alive is precious

Flowers inside of you and me
Garden of thoughts of who we are and becoming to be
Pluck out the weeds, but observe their growth
Understand why they do, what are weeds saying to you
Conserving energy to understand what makes you thrive
Stretching roots can be scary, but who knows what’s on the other side
Growing pains sometimes they are
Yet I still rise
Some days can be filled with rain and storms
Normalize the rainbow of emotions to find freedom

Watch the birds, bees, and butterflies fly through, around, and over you
Benefiting of off your gifts to the world,
Watch and observe and don’t forget to treat yourself
Find your tribe to support you, the flowers around you
Authentic in their own right, different and diverse, as are you

Strong rooted in community
All together growing and blossoming
Growing at your own pace and glistening

In this world don’t be anything but you
The light is within you

Sprouting from an inner spring of perennial joy and goodness, my benevolent heart now approaches each season full of love and forgiveness.
The mistakes of yesterday are not brought into today, for I hang my charismatic smile on yesterday’s lessons being the reason why tomorrow’s a better day.
Following the pious impressions of a Yogi enabled me to stumble upon meditation, unveiling an “inner world” only seen through one “eye.”
Tracing my own footsteps back to the beginning of “spiritual oneness”; my spiritual center, allowed me to discover a world teeming with tranquility and bliss.
Forfeiting “two eyes” for one did not come at a cost. Instead, I profited from: heightened awareness, in-depth intuition, clairvoyance, and enhanced telepathic abilities, but most importantly. I gained the ability to “see.”
Before meditation, my life was a mess. The “outside world” often made me depressed. Feeling as if my life was being tossed about like a boat under duress during high seas; nearly dashed against the jagged rocks. The dark rain clouds of depression often gave way to doubt, pouring more coal into the burning open furnace of my fears and insecurities.
Persistent meditation became my mental hygiene, brushing away my depression, doubts, fears, and insecurities; cultivating a flourishing mental garden from an overflowing fountain of Self-Love. Now, the “outside world” doesn’t affect me quite as much as it once did. I can only thank meditation for becoming my savior; a life raft I can cast perpetually to save myself from life’s high seas.
Meditation taught me that we cannot change other people! We weren’t put here to! We can only change ourselves! But a kind wide-smile, empathetic listening, or gentle words of encouragement can be a lantern of hope during someone’s darkest days.
I was born a conscientious person with a credulous nature and a pure heart, almost unfit for a world orbiting in reverse. In the early days of my life, I did not fair too well for having such noble qualities. In my later years, meditation showed me that I was born to be a king: ordained to help create a better world from the overflowing cup of goodness existing inside of me.
These days, butterflies flutter past me closely, hummingbirds levitate nearby, dogs are overzealous to greet me, and little children hurry to hug me at the knees. Maybe it’s my innocence. Perhaps I appear luminous, finally unafraid to reveal my light to the world.

Fumbling teaches you a life lesson, two, or six hundred thousand times.
Sometimes life is a lab puppy who stays a puppy for life tearing up or peeing on your shoes.
We must laugh sometimes at how we strive to be perfect when we are so far away from that term, far away like clear transparent turquoise water hidden in the northern Idaho mountains.
The rush of fake Photoshopped gleaming diamonds and wealthy luxurious cars plaster on commercial boards, in magazines of teenagers’ hands at the library their teacher forced them to go to or the YouTube screen our young child has; the constant fake ads popping up on our social media platforms trying to define us, trying to create
a norm-a trend that is all too repetitive.
Yet, we heart & blood connect, maintain our identities, hybrid the best, flush out the worst,
and try to thrive in corners like spiders at night webbing possibility.
We know in our souls -fake is not real.
We know this and if we try to grasp or mold ourselves into temporary perfectionism of a lie,
we know we will vanish into empty holes without a galaxy.
That is why we/ I still try to feel Mother earth,
that is why we/I put our phones down,
that is why we/I smile at each other, be gentle, be forgiving and have grace with what’s to come –
magical moments as a blue heron flies down before a sunset sky in the pond at the Japanese gardens trying to decide whether his beak can hold a golden koi.
The magics of moments and decisions of contemplation, honest and true to our survival.
For our souls are bigger than the temporary,
so we glean and connect to the vast waters of the earth, we hike into the hills where trees sway and whisper love to our ears, and starbursts shine on our worth.
We shimmer and know that being authentic and fragile is our only hope to heal from trauma, and
that it is our only hope that connects us and brings us back to one in the completeness of the earth – the dirt, the sun, the water, the air – it helps us breathe and connect as we should. We/I teach and receive from its abundance and share this with the children whose hands put down screens and run into the forests barefoot
embracing the glory of future and fulfilling the growth that the skies and lands provide.

I want to be that guy that you can be free to speak your mind to, you can lean on all the time.

I want to be the mirror that helps you see yourself clearer, that encourages your true self to get a little nearer,

come and plays devils advocate for the angels make you look at things from different angles ,

Or I help the world value the person more than the work, Maybe I can help change minds to put people into trees instead of the dirt,

help be the change to say it’s OK to hurt

let me help you, because for so long we’ve been told it’s not ok to feel.

But that’s not real! Because every single person who will read this is struggling with something they may not admit,

or the pain and trauma they’ve suffered have caused them to forget

a healthy way to cope looking at life through the cross hairs of a rifle scope,
I want to help pull your finger away from the trigger and make it look towards hope,

Maybe I can help change the thought of 40 hours of work,
Instead, give those people 40 hours of freedom from all these imposed rules of life and society.

Imagine what this world would be like if we all were able to pursue what makes us happy,

I really mean it think about it. I don’t mean to get sappy

it’s just everyone that you meet seems to be drained at least a little bit of joy,
how do I find a way to intersect with my inner boy?

The world is so hell bent on getting another dollar or getting another follow,
but we lack soul and substance our bodies are merely hollow,

I want to help fill people with things that leave them fulfilled
where all we worry about is things that leave us with thrill instead of worried about bills.
The best way to do that is to embody that thought and let it it flow out.

I challenge you to do something you love today, let loose and show out !