Through my lifelong observations of the human experience, encompassing its trials, setbacks, and triumphs, and drawing wisdom from some of the world’s greatest minds—from Cesar Chavez’s struggles on California farmlands to Nietzsche’s contemplations in the Swiss Alps on the concept of God, from Shakespeare’s portrayal of human frailty to the works of the poet Baidel exploring humility’s vast pastures, and contemplating Albert Camus’ existential reflections—I was inspired to write a poem.

Painting Colorless Colors

Poem: By Alexander Siddiqui

At the outset, we stride into the boundless expanse of philosophical exploration,
Where theories bloom like constellations in the night.

Within the shadows of intellectual toil and the intricate weave of scholarly discourse,
Empathy often remains a gem obscured, awaiting revelation,
Veiled within the labyrinth of the mind’s sight.

Yet amidst the cosmic ensemble of ideas,
A guardian-like supernova emerges, casting its gleaming light,
A beacon of truth in the enveloping darkness,
A shimmering fabric of humanity woven with threads of enlightenment.

It reminds us that genuine connection with others
Resonates like harmonious notes,
A delicate melody in the heart,
A perfect symphony of souls in the divine orchestra of existence.

Approach each encounter as a celestial journey,
Navigating galaxies of cognition and perception,
Where understanding serves as a guiding pulsar,
Illuminating the path through the cadence of introspection,
A heavenly compass pilgrimaging the astral seas.

Conquer the hypotheses, elevate the strategies, and refine the techniques
Yet as we sketch life’s grand canvas,
Handle them with the grace of an artist’s brush,
For in the delicate art of touching souls,
We must paint with the palette of humility and kindness,
Our hands guided by the constellations of empathy and compassion,
Painting colorless colors of humanity.

You’re perfect, my kind of perfect
Especially when we peck lips for a kiss
Feeling the intimacy with your gentle touch
It makes me feel so complete, whole, and alive
Just as if nothing was wrong and all my worries disappeared
You can hypnotize me with your gorgeous eyes
Or with the words you speak from your mouth
Either way, you make me forget of life’s hardships
And create a bubble like it’s only you and me
Within the current moment of Father Time
You can be a cute geek without the perfect tone body
Hate the way you laugh loud or have too much body hair
Either way, I’ll still love you just the same
Because the way you look, mmm, I can’t get enough
You can charm me with a big, adorable smile on your face
Become such a gentleman and a total romantic
Or even say I look beautiful when I think I’m a mess
Either way, I’ll fall for it everyday, every time, and anywhere
Because your smile and personality is out of this world
You can make mistakes and mess up like everyone else
Or accidentally say the wrong thing to hurt some feelings
Either way darling, no one is perfect on this earth
But no matter what, somehow and someway
You are my kind of perfect and always have been
Since the very first day that we met and fell in love
There’s so many ways to describe and say
Of just how perfect you are in my hazel eyes
I hope you can see it and believe it to be true
Because there’s simply no one else that can replace you
You are a one of a kind, my love, a one of a kind

Everything looks to me with importance
the music did not make me want to dance
the sun in the summer
did not give me heat
the flowers
had no scent
my journey
had no beginning

my eyes did not shine with happiness
even though laughter is to be heard
from angels playing ahead
my heart cries golden tear drops
I pray to god to find me love
I found meaning to life
the music brought memories
the sun gave me light to my journey
in which I must go in life
the flowers refreshed my spirit
laughter came from my mouth
I pray
I pray to god to find me love.

People may see the contract
But not the contractions of wearing my heart on my sleeve
That now fits like a glove.
I’m striving to heal generations through self-love.
I’m choosing faith over fear and hope over hurt
For my heart to swell with laughter, love, and joy.
No longer afraid of the spaces, holes, and voids.

My positive vibes increase the vibration of others around me,
Beating to the sound of my own drum.
Each new day I live is a new beginning I’m open to experiencing
Turning my deepest secrets into my greatest superpowers,
Empowers me to release what no longer serves me
So I can serve myself flowers while I can still smell them.

Before I die,
I pray that my story will be someone else’s survival guide.
A Hummingbird beauty.
Someone’s call of duty to find love to heal again
And a love letter to that person that’s been laying in bed
And hasn’t seen beyond the four corners of their room in days
I pray that they will finally experience what solace looks and feels like.
I once heard that love is what healing sounds like.

The chapter of life that I love
is living all the way then going above
Life before death is the way to go
Is there another way to do it, I don’t know
I cannot explain why I love it so much
But living happily is to die as such
Happy or not, though, the life is good
Almost anyone could have it, I know they could

In the bloom of youth, we tread a path unsure,
Early twenties, where dreams and doubts endure.
With passion ablaze and aspirations high,
We chase dream that we hope take flight.

Through freedom, we find our stride,
Exploring the world, with nothing to hide.
Yet shadows linger, whispers of the past,
Reminders of moments too fleeting to last.

In this chapter of life, a tale unfolds,
Of lessons learned, and stories yet untold.
We stumble, we rise, in this journey we roam,
In our early twenties, we seek our home.

So embrace the chaos, the laughter, and tears,
For in this moment, we conquer our fears.
In the canvas of youth, let our colors unfurl,
In the canvas of youth, let’s paint our world.

My Dearest Frightened Inner Child and My Courageous Present Self,

You are warmly invited to your much awaited, Refuge.
For You have been Rescued.
Welcome to Safety and Stability.
Where You are Considered, befittingly.

No! You are not an Outcast.
Once You get past that, You will see –
You are a wondrous Art of Kintsugi.
Cracks here, Cracks there.
Repair: A process – Handled with Care.

Look out My Dear, as this will be Bittersweet.
What an overwhelming feeling to feel – Oh So Complete!
You are now in two places as One.
Sunlight piercing through Dark clouds – Stay a little longer…
A missed Childhood –
I promise to make it Fun!
Forever Evolving and Growing
You’ll Always be My Number One!

Together We Heal,

Our Guardian Warrior

I see you looking-heading my way
thinking about what it is you want to say.
It’s so interesting to be in this place.
Not wanting or needing attention,
your approval,
your love-
unwilling to participate in the chase.
I feel full, no need for a second helping…
I’m good.
No really, I’m good.

Not your money, your resources, or your name—
a woman of my means?
Sir, in that arena,
you and I are the same.
It seems as though you came to offer me your cape,
and it offends you to see that I’m not waiting for you
to have my life take shape.

The man who has me- loves without control,
contributes to my thinking,
my being, my purpose, my soul.
He lets me in, knows when to let me guide,
supports my ambition and desires;
taking any losses in stride.
He’s my person because he tends to my heart,
there are no conditions or ego- yeah, THAT part.
How he leads allows me to maintain feminine energy-
together we pursue joy,
since happy is my responsibility.
To put it plainly:
I choose to love him, and he chooses to love me.
So, I’m good.

I stare at a blank doc
The line blinks at me, teasing me
Taunting me
Daring me
Daunting me

A heavy sigh escapes me
And warm arms wrap to embrace me

I’ll write something amazing, he tells me
And i find it in my heart to believe
Not in myself, not yet,
But in the version of me he sees

My brow furrows
And i begin to type
As he smiles into my shoulder,
Fighting not to say he was right

I close the laptop
Set it off of the bed
And rest comfortably, listening
To the heartbeat in his chest

For this is where i am most content

But content does not begin to cover
The comfort and safety
Being under these covers

Content does not quite express
How unafraid i am
Here, on his chest

I stare at a blank doc
A prompt heavy on my mind
And all i can think of
Is his eyes

A letter to myself
Grabbing an old book off the shelf.
Starting a new chapter
To help me see.
What I’ve been through
Yes Indeed!
Showing the wounds
Of my inner child
Adding a new chapter to help me smile.
Showing my affliction
Of bipolar disease
After twenty years of hurting
I’m being set free.
In the hospital in and out
Finding the answers
Of what it’s all about.
Looking for answers
Through food and ice cream
Coping with bipolar
And what it means.
Taking medication to help me grow
Saying, “Why me” I did not know.
Finding answers to my depression
Was my victory.
Extending my life and
Escaping the mind
Finding hope and answers to a certain degree.
This was a sign.
That I can be “normal”
In this world, I CAN SHINE!
In my mind there is a tunnel
A mother of two
Seeing the light at each end
They have grown so much
I give them what I can
Of a mother’s touch.
Escaping my mind
And never married
This was another load I always carried.
Living this chapter of love and happiness
Living this chapter of not being depressed.
Wanting to help others as an employee
As a companion for those in need.
Highs and lows
Of mental stability
Finding love is the key.
I’m beating bipolar again and again
From doctors and lawyers
Finding the right medicine.
I escape the highs and lows
And depending on others
Like mountains and valleys
Wanting to do better as a devoted mother.
Yes, defeating bipolar
I do not cry.
Defeating bipolar
Is what I say inside
To myself I will not lie.
This is a new chapter just for me
Doing much better
In time I shall see.

Oh what a time,
a time of curiosity
letting your hair fall differently each day
passionate words drifting from your soul
Into this world of constant stimulation
Hoping that you will bring a light to the minds of those who live in the dark

You are shining so brightly
Being yourself looks really good on you
You are growing and evolving
Becoming a woman of the divine
Allowing the simple pleasures of life
to bring light and joy to your heart inside

I love the way you laugh,
And share your love with others
You are truly so caring
You are learning to love
Letting your heart fill with joy
as well as the tears and the sadness
and the pain of all the years before

My love you are so strong
you forever stand tall
As you know you are made
To bring so much more

To the people around
Who wondrously wander
Hoping something will catch their eye
You are here to remind them
That their fire lies inside

Oh my love, my admiration for you runs high
A pure soul that never seems to dry
Keep shining your light
And just know
that your fire lies inside

This is the chapter where she sheds the guilt and shame.
Giving unconditional love to the dark, wounded parts, as that is what they craved all along.
Releasing any feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing that reside in the shadows,
Removing what was never hers to hold, and making room for the blessings that await.

This is the chapter where she loves herself deeply and unapologetically.
Embracing the flaws and recognizing the true beauty of the human body.
Sitting in the imperfections and releasing all negative thoughts and beliefs,
Refreshing her view of the miracle she is- a living vessel of life and love.

This is the chapter where she steps into her power.
Letting go of the perfectionism and fawning tendencies that once kept her imprisoned.
Instead, she steps into authenticity and embraces every inch of her mind,
Allowing herself to lean into the childlike joy that arises when she sees signs from her angels.

This is her chapter.
She writes the story and creates the reality she desires.
She prioritizes joy and rest, as she knows she is deserving of happiness.
She counts her blessings, soaks in the love around her, and expels light wherever she goes.

I feel like that child again, I’ve been living aimlessly just waiting for that smile again,

Tell me you’ll come down again, I told myself it’s easy, but the mirror caught my frown again,

Struggling to keep my head on anything but down again,

New Year’s comes around and you say I won’t play around again, but I’ve played around again,

Lately I’ve been drowning in, screams without the sound of it,

Maybe I’m okay, but maybe I’m going to need some counseling,

I put all my hours in, I took all my showers and I wind up getting showered in,

Trust me, I am powerless, I put all my might in to this world and it devoured it,

But April has given me life, once a large frown into a beautiful smile,

Without your struggles you would sit back, and who’s to provide?

Usually I cry poetry, until the music subsides, hungry on my couch waiting for my order to arrive,

Although it’s hard, it’s really good to be alive,

I love to be above, but I’d love to be beside, my partner in crime,

My partner is I, to the one that I speak of, it’s going to be fine,

I’m the diamond in the rough before the shine, light hasn’t reached me yet, it’s just a matter of time.

Look at you go, man. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that the only thing you could thin about was drugs and how miserable life was. You blamed everything on others, and couldn’t figure out why nothing ever seemed to go your way. Then, when things wouldn’t go your way, or you faced an instance of adversity, or even just a new experience, you would hide from it, and seek temporary pleasure.

On a much brighter note, throughout all of this, you kept the best attitude you could, and still made it a point to do your best to be a giver to those around you. Hey, we live and we learn.

I’m not writing this to you to beat you down or shame you (you used to do that to the extent of causing yourself to completely shutdown), in fact, it’s quite the opposite. I want to write to you about what I’m loving about this current chapter of my life.

Every now and again, you get a little overwhelmed, and that’s okay. You get overwhelmed with the seemingly daunting tasks you’re taking on while telling nobody. You’re courageously advancing yourself toward crushing all these new experiences as they come. You’ve been doing this for quite some time now, helping you incrementally build your self confidence. I’m here to tell you that you may feel overwhelmed because you have everything you’ve ever wanted and you’re just unsure as to handle it. Nonetheless, you’re handling it.

You’ve built yourself to the point you’re miles above where you first started this journey. I say this with humility and seriousness all at once: I’m beyond proud of you.

You’ve met and partnered with a young lady who believes in you (maybe even more than you believe in yourself, which is quite a bit) and pushes you to succeed. She enjoys the small things you do. She enjoys the way you make her laugh. She admires you for the things you’ve been through and came out on top. Best of all, you enjoy these very same things, as she does them for you also.

You are way less sad than you have been in a long, long time. You’re able to just be yourself, more so than ever, and she loves this about you. It’s also good for you. She actually cares to understand all the ideas you run by her. She doesn’t mind the noise you make when you fill the air with your words. She doesn’t even mind it when you practice your guitar or drums. You gotta admit, that’s pretty cool.

Anyway, I can’t discuss in full detail all the great things you’re doing and continue to accomplish. You’re happier in this chapter because you’ve finally made it a point to push yourself and those around you to do great things, and it feels RIGHT. You love yourself again, and you’ve realized that even though you may be alone, you’re not ALONE.

I hope as the chapters continue for you, you’ll find your way closer and closer to where you’re headed. Keep moving with love. It looks good on you.

hey you,

do you remember, a few years back, when you could only find your identity through being attached to someone? by having that strict, on paper or social media confirmation that you were worth something in this world, because you meant something to someone else? the word itself was simple, but the girlfriend title meant everything to you.

can you see it now, how wrong you were?

can you remember what it felt like when you climbed into the grave you’d dug for yourself, and let everyone else have their turn shoveling the dirt in, enough to choke and suffocate you, while you tried desperately to breathe?

when they were done burying you, you laid there for days, for weeks, for years, half asleep while your heart was barely beating, until you finally somehow found the voice they’d tried to silence. you clawed through the dirt and mud you were covered in until you started to see the sunlight make it’s way back in, until you were able to take a deep breath of fresh air. your fingernails were broken and bleeding and it took ages to scrape the leftover grime out from underneath.

you took everything bad that had ever happened to you, every hurtful, degrading word someone said to you, and turned it all around. you ripped off the skin everyone else had painted on for you all those years ago and revealed everything hidden underneath, all the things you thought you were supposed to forget. i could tell you that you’re currently doing things you’d only ever dreamed of doing, but the truth is, you were doing them all before, and you can keep doing them for as long as you have a place on this earth. you are seeing things the way you used to, the bright colors and beauty in everything and you’ve been crying happy tears full of so much emotion more often than you’re crying the ugly ones. keep going and i promise you will be so amazed at the things you’re capable of doing. i promise.

love always,
your past, present, and future self.

Dear self
34 years. For many years you questioned if today was safe to come home. For every year only thing that changed was the bottle you held on too. For every night you spent fighting the demon. For every mornings you faked it till you made it. For every second you prayed for a home. For every minute you just wanted your bed. For every hour you had another refilled. The end of 2023 you lost control. So what makes this year special?! You finally took accountability. All though this year still has a lot to go. This year you regain touch to reality. This year you gain strength to stand up for that little girl. This year you finally saved her. This year you make 5 years since you gave her a home. This year just remind yourself you been through worst, so there’s nothing too big or to small you can’t overcome. This year you bring peace and that alone will give your life meaning. This year is just part of your healing. This year is yours Baby!

Dear Unsealers,

I am on the verge of the first anniversary of going no-contact with the majority of my fundamentalist, conservative, evangelical, queer- and transphobic biological family. It hasn’t been smooth sailing. It is lonely when something happens and all you want to do is put your head in your mother’s lap as she plays with your hair and comforts you. That desire reminds me that I am longing for something that was never really mine to begin with.

At every turn, my natural personality was diluted, watered down for the sake of fitting a perception of a perfectly pious family. There is no room for anything else, after all, when you are a missionary family raising money to get on the field. My soul was stabbed, slashed, and ripped apart by impossible standards and expectations of toxic perfectionism. I still struggle to unlearn the religious philosophies and theologies indoctrinated into my mind from a young age, things that have harmed me and whose impact still reverberates in me to this day.

As a person whose love language is physical touch, I was all too often denied the comfort and connection that I needed. Cuddling with my mom never lasted long, devolving into an argument about how I wanted my boundaries and autonomy to be respected (to which she took personal offense). I wanted to snuggle and watch a movie or show, her hand would creep up the back of my shirt in search of pimples to pop, completely sucking the comfort and intimacy that I desired from the situation. It was frustrating, but emblematic of a larger problem in my relationship with my mom that would ultimately destroy that relationship.

I am a passionate person who loves to talk about the media I am consuming and the going-ons of life with those who are important to me. Having the quality time to discuss the various experiences of life is another huge love language for me. One that was also constantly violated, resulting in my eventual withdrawal back into my shell. Music, in particular, is something that has always been highly important to me. I love to discover new (at least to me) artists and share them with others. One year I discovered what Eurovision was and loved a song that a Ukranian band played. Excited, I went over to the kitchen where my mom was washing dishes. I told her I would like to share a song with her, explaining the concept of Eurovision and how much I have enjoyed the song and my exploration of the band, she consented to listening to it with some hesitance. Not even ten seconds into the song my mother begins to lecture me about listening to music in languages I don’t understand as the devil can use anything to gain a foothold into my life. I was aghast. For context, I am a mixed kid. Half Puerto Rican, half white (Scottish and German). I am a no sabo kid. I listen to Latinx music all the time without knowing exactly what is being said. My mom didn’t have a problem with that, but she had a problem with me listening to a Ukranian song from a European music festival?

Over and over again, one of the most important people in my life, my mother, tore me down, violated by boundaries, and rejected who I was as a person in an attempt to turn me into who she wanted. It was very painful to realize the level of manipulation and pain she had caused me throughout my childhood. So slowly but surely I began to distance myself.

My mom could not for the life of her understand why I wasn’t talking to her every day, ignoring texts and phone calls, and withholding information about my life as a young adult. She mourned a perception of closeness that she had of our relationship. I was grateful to finally be free to rebuild and enforce formerly bulldozed boundaries. I was excited to reclaim my lost autonomy. I began the journey of discovering who I am and unpacking who I had become in order to protect myself.

There is still so much growth, unlearning, and unpacking left to do. I am not sure that I will ever finish healing myself from a painful past of emotional and spiritual abuse. But I am so excited to have freed myself and given myself the chance to bloom, as Mulan’s father says in the Disney adaptation (paraphrasing here), like a late flower. My parents buried me under their expectations and religious beliefs, but they didn’t know that I was a willful seed that would eventually break out from the foundation and defiantly thrive.

The recent solar eclipse was a wonderful opportunity for reflection and manifestation. With the help of some journal prompts from the internet and a tarot reading from a spiritual friend, I have narrowed my focus to some key areas of growth, creativity, and self-care. I am allowing myself the space to trust my intuition, take creative risks, and explore a nature and ancestor-based spiritual practise that is solely defined by me.

In order to look at what you love about this chapter of life, you have to examine what you hated about the past chapters. Reflect on where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. I was in the pits of despair, I am in a period of growth, and I am heading to success and healing.

So what do I love about this chapter of my life? The friends I have made, the internal (though hard) work I am doing, and how I am showing up for myself. Challenging and breaking free from everything you have ever known is a scary step, continuing to stay true to the pursuit of actualizing your true self and discovering your true potential is a commitment.