For years, I have chosen everyone else first
I allowed myself to not even be on my own list of priorities
I did not think I deserved to recognize on my own time with deserving the merits of love for myself
I had everyone categorized in my mind as more important than me
I was determined to not be a nuisance or cause anyone discomfort

2020 changed me as it did others

2020 made me aware of the importance of self stillness
2021 taught me that I do not need to live up to others timelines, my own is important
2022 woke up my internal clock of no longer delaying my own growth
2023 broke me of any self doubt that was leftover of 2022 and set my path on fire
2024 is the year I choose Me

I choose to make myself a top priority on my own list
I choose to make sure I know my worth and my value even when others question me
I choose to be uncomfortable with not taking care of everyone else, first
I choose making sure I know I am allowed to love myself honestly and fully
I choose living up to my own expectations and I am looking forward to how this adventure unwinds over this year

2024 is the year I choose me

She

She no longer respected herself
She let others discard her
She let others opinions matter more to her than her own
She let the opinions of others chip away at her until she longer recognized herself
She realized she had given away her respect over & over again
She masked self-inflicted jokes against herself to deflect her own inner tension building
She welcomed others to portray her in ways that were unauthentic to who she really was
She lost her ability to fight for her own self respect

She knew deep down inside of her something didn’t feel quite right
She knew that deserved better from others
She knew she needed to demand for better for herself
She knew that it was time to strip away all of her insecurities and get to her inner most raw self

She knew what she had to do, but she was scared
She was ready, but she made excuses because her fear was intensifying!
She requested at first that her self respect be a priority
She was denied, again & again
She then demanded she be heard
She again was denied & this time with a threat thrown down at her!
She felt she had been muted by others & the pain she felt became unexpected

She felt a burning sensation start to grow within herself
She could no longer be quiet about her needs & her desires
She felt her whole world explode in one moment
She set fire to the accelerant that was her own broken self
She then put out the fire and knew it was time to rebuild

She knew she had lessons she had to learned here, or she would be doomed to repeat them
She decided to learn a new way to conduct herself
She felt something different in the way she saw everyone and everything around her
She started to change
She started to sprout
She started to grow & grow until her roots became strong
She then bloomed into a new someone that the old someone would never recognize

She demanded respect and in fact invited that respect and uninvited anything beneath that
She only allowed respect for others to come from her
She only invited respect from others to come to her
She finally, understood what it meant to be deserving of the upmost respect
She finally, felt settled into herself

I am she.

Sarah Ludlum

Dear Younger Self,

Just a little note from your future self who has become wise in some ways through time and experiences… When we stay in our comfort zones we make a little cozy space to cocoon ourselves which can cause for us to never move forward. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing past that comfort zone that elevates us into a newfound mental and physical place. Other times stepping outside out comfort zones are just an illusion of the mind. The stepping outside of my own comfort zone comes with that first leap forward. Oftentimes, I get so wrapped up into my own headspace that I struggle to move. I become so paralyzed with that first step forward that at times I need to be shoved face first into a new phase of life! If only I just leaped more often rather than just mentally decipher the pro’s and con’s of the possible scenario before me, I would save myself so much mental turmoil! It is that first leap that is far more intimidating than staying in the unsteady place of not moving forward or just moving at all in general. Adapting to ones own comfort zones also leaves little the complex uncertainty of leaping forward that professionals argue is healthy for us. I am still not so sure about that.

When I was 21 years old I had pre-determined that I would never be a mother. I had planned through birth control, safe sex, and at time abstinence to insure I would never become a mother. I was certain I would screw up any child that I could raise and that I would forever have regret about how much I would mess up my own child. I had just decided to never go there and that in no way would I ever become a mother. Life had a different set of plans and did not fill me in on the plan. This year the child I had pre-determined I would mess up turned 21 herself. She was meant to be here and if ever I could pinpoint an exact moment where I see how one action radically changed my life is the day I took 10 pregnancy tests that all turned positive! She is my birth control, condom miracle child! I just didn’t know I would be any good at raising her! Becoming a mom meant I would need to shed the pre-determined manner in which I would metamorphosis from being a single entity into becoming someone else’s mom! If I was going to do this job well it meant I would have to strip away the selfish layers I had decided when I was younger I was going to wear with pride. No more self agendas for my life anymore because as I was growing her I felt the connection I had never experienced with anyone else ever before! My daughter was meant to be here and looking back 21 years I can honestly express that I would not have changed the circumstances that forced me out of my cocoon of comfort into being a mom! In fact, I did not mess her up! I am proud to admit I was one-hundred percent wrong on that front! Becoming a mom changed me forever and while some moments where you step out of your comfort zone only have momentary alterations into our lives, for me, becoming her mom radically changed me inside and out for the last 21 years of my life. I am not the same person at all. I was no longer a “me” but a “we.” Even as she has become an adult, I am still tethered to an invisible line of connection between her and myself because I grew her and I grew up with her. I grew up because of her! I didn’t allow myself to even entertain the idea that I would stay the same while I was pregnant with her. I could feel the change happening as I made very choice to be a present mom. I allowed myself to become completely changed as a person, and even more so as a woman. Did I make some mistakes along the way of raising her? Of course I have! I have however, radically owned the mistakesI know I have made with her. I have taken those many mistakes as opportunities to grow and to learn more about myself! Sometimes, that first leap towards growth is the best one you will ever take and changes you in a way that you only see years after you have moved forward.

Warmest Regards,

Your Future Self

S. Ludlum