Hurt and broken
I could not see.
No more taking
only giving.
I’m now the king
loved and adored.
Patient, obscured.
Like a driftwood
Now found ashore.
I’ve left behind
bad parts of me.
Rising above
so found and free.
At a stalemate
I fought myself
at rock bottom.
Now, at the top
we always say,
“Don’t you worry,
yeah we got ’em”.
Experience
built, never bought.
lessons they’ve taught.
From good to bad
and bad to good.
On second thought
although I should,
a favorite
experience
I have not got.
Learn from them all,
That’s what I’s taught.

Nothing quite like it huh..
The darkest before the..?

The City suffocation
met with a hand
asking to dance..

In the yellow jeep—
On the lake house dock—
At the formals and those ‘parties’
In the backyard with the bonfires—
On the top of our lungs.
At the NYC extravaganzas and all those weekend shows

The City of suffocation
met with a hand
asking to dance..

In the Uber—
On the Amtrak—
At the 100s of airports and all those adventures
In the sunshine of JAX—
On the island of Aruba—
At every
‘hey how’ve ya been?!’
but the moreso
‘see ya soon!’

The City suffocation
met with a hand
asking to dance..

In the kitchen—
On the sidewalks of Back Bay—
At the apartment—
that we
once called
Ours.

The City suffocation
met with a hand
that let—
…
…
…go.

In the bedroom.
On the 6th.
At the end—
of my—
world.

Paralyzed.
Numb.
The City suffocation..

A pride check—
A truck ride—
A bridge.
The all ‘too familiars’
welcomed home with a
darkness.

Yet a renewal
out of something..
Broken—
A ‘failure-of-being’
met with a
comeback story.

The ocean—
Mom’s check-in hugs—
Your ‘small town’ self—
Family Sunday dinners—
Where it all began.

Give it a chance..
what’s really left to lose?

Familiar saviors
with the warmth of
our younger selves and
all our innocent soccer days—
met with strangers and a sense of
out of place-gratefulness.

A phoenix in a sense
and of the sorts
of it.
5+ years later.
Look at this fire—
remember this fire
of simple—
yet pure—
and the most genuine—
magic.

The darkest.
Darkness.
Light it all on fire.
Jetty jumps.
Ocean dives.
The unplanned comeback story.

The City suffocation
met with a hand..
this time—of her own—
telling her to
…
…
…dance.

—xoxo
A

Not all changes in your life will seem like a good thing until you gain some clarity. Some life changes will alter you in unexpected ways where you feel that you will never recover and that its life shattering revelations seem to define you in unexpected ways. You can’t see the future into the unknowns where you confidently know the events unraveling would actually change your life for the better. At the time you feel like you will never recover. Your so deep into trying to process the unfolding series of revelations you can’t see how these moments and challenges are setting you up for success! The challenges with accepting or embracing the changing moments coming at you can seem life shattering! They simply don’t seem as a necessary purging of old habits or crutches you counted on in order to make you feel comfortable in your circumstances. You should grieve the loss of what could have been. You should I process and embrace the waves or tsunamis of feelings that catch you fully by surprise!

For me, the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter at the age of 21 was one of those moments where life changed me for the better! I had this preconceived theory that I would I never be a mom. In fact, I had already aligned myself into believing that being a mom, for me would be toxic for any child. I didn’t have a healthy role model in my own mother that made me want to be a mom. Some events that happen to us are seared into our brains where after many years, you still remember exactly where you were, what you were wearing, and weird details that you just cannot shake off! February 2nd, 2002, I was having a heated argument with a family member who was eating in front of me and I felt a wave of nausea that hit me in a way I had never experienced before. I was also late. I was in denial that the first test was accurate and after buying so many pregnancy tests to confirm that I was indeed pregnant, I still didn’t tell anyone. Those two lines on each test confines my worst fear, I was pregnant! I had been on the pill and we actively used condoms. I knew the father wouldn’t be a good partner or father, but I felt stuck. I felt so stuck to abide by the status quo of our families that I shut down and the flood of events that would follow for the next few months hit me like waves crashing into the jetty and I was the rocks trying to brace for impact. I just went through the motions. When I really started to tell people what was happening they all seemed to know I had been carrying a baby and yet said nothing. Later, I would discover that they knew because I was puking all of the time and looked different. I felt different but did not realize anyone else could see that about me. At the time, I thought I had truly kept my secret hidden. Now, that seems laughable to me. It’s funny how time and distance changes your perspectives. At the time I simply couldn’t see past my uncertainties and insecurities of becoming a mom. The following events from the discovery of my pregnancy to feeling forced to marry a man who spent our wedding to get drunk and party rather than start a new chapter as man and wife, I was so utterly enmeshed into denial that things wouldn’t work. The intertwining of emotions were so confusing to me. Rather than continue to be the kind of mom who made the world revolve around me, I decide to go on a different path. Instead of wallowing in my insecurities at the impending lifelong responsibilites, I focused on breaking generational curses within my family’s construct to being the best mom a little girl never asked for. I felt this increasing anxiety that my daughter would hate me and would discover I was a mother fraud. That she would instantly know I was never meant to be a mom. Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, we grew up together. I learned how to be a mom and she was the best teacher I have ever had the honor of learning from. The day my beautiful daughter was born I instantly fell in love with this tiny human who I haven’t been able to stop staring at for the last 21 years of my life. I remember staring at her nonstop for the first few weeks. That was when being in awe of her began. Her being 21 has been a full circle moment where I see that I was absolutely over time was meant to be her mom. I still stare at this beautiful young woman who is still teaching me how to be a better mom all the time! She is the best of me. She is the best of herself. Though my marriage to her father ended that only made our bond as mother and daughter even stronger. She is most marvelous thing I have ever had the honor to create with the exception of her brother Who is also amazing! I am honored that she chose me to nurture her from a baby to an adult. I am so honored that I was chosen to be her mom!

We have the opportunity to face challenges and events that change us into something that can majorly transform our lives for the better if only at times we get out of our own way. Although becoming pregnant when I was just a baby adult that time in my life seemed overwhelmingly daunting at the time! Time, distance, and perspective have led me to embrace that I wouldn’t change the events that brought me to being a part of her life! Having my daughter is the best time thing with the exception of her baby brother that completely changed my life for the better! I am an absolutely better person for becoming a mom to these two loves of my life!

October 17th 2006…
Gave up on the old life-it just could not exist.

I was using, drinking, abusing-Trying self to die
But though I was overblown-was some thinking in mind.
At the end of the night-substance and alcohol gone
Came this thinking of life stinking-maybe I was wrong.

Wait a minute here-I should be crumped,
These gasoline fumes just may be dumb.
Tomorrow, my only daughter…turns five-
And I’m not wanting to be alive?

How could one steal a life to others real?
When this world came to life-was it a flip deal?
Had not my best friend-escaped again,
To the hospital room from my hole-sunk tomb?
Emergency fair-I’ll wait…Have not my best friend there.

Then like God spoke:
Put the gas can down-may new life, have wrote…
So, I went next days’ recovery-
Burned out and bent; but God had reality!
…And this could all be good?
Wherefore means the little engine that could?

Therefore I obeyed that very next day,
And glory halleluiah-God had better/No, the best Way!!!
And no-have not had there-street life goodbye
Along with witchcraft involved in drugs…
I was simply chasing the wrong place/wrong love.
God, I thought You hated me-so I hated You too,
I for all along had been deceived-I’ll not type what needs You.
But thank You later for taking me, to the alter of grace…
God, once again-You were on time, because You’re never late!!!

8:41PM
4/15/2024
Monday

Mornings are that rough snooze I barely miss. It’s the
huge stretch after knees crack to remind me age is but a
loose sound of movement. It’s a dragging feeling, a
reminder to when my laughter teased Father Time.
It is peaceful, knowing my mental foundation wasn’t a pretty
make over but these years of painful lessons I massage into
my seasons, and when I fall, I’m quick to spring back to my
youthful visage. I mean, winter brings pain, the death of
beauty and the crystallization of movement. Yet summer can
always be seen stretching my soul like it’s uplifted. One
moment I hyperventilate the other I’m free falling to the
bottom of freedoms pool of love. A love for the sensation of
old age being the companion I’ve wanted since my youth.
These astral phases become astral projections of the peace that
I recall seeing. This Growth is the key to my happiness, it’s
the years which times before turned the sun dial and I became
the time father dreamed of.

Distant:

While it seemed as if the world was falling apart, In 2020, the deepest parts of myself were drastically coming together.

Strikingly, my spiritual reawakening shifted the entire trajectory of my perspective, including everything else that slowly led to this rare occurrence.

All within that same year, I had an epiphany that came to pass nearly a year later… When a close friend of mine had just moved to Texas, somehow I intuitively felt that I was soon going to as well. Although, I had never been there or even thought about it prior.

To some degree, it was beautiful to share this news with close relatives about all that I was experiencing spiritually and planning to do.

That still came with some disheartening moments and conversations. No one else fully understood or related to me and I had to accept that they may never will.

Instant:

In 2021, The opportunity finally presented itself. I was asked if I would like to move to Texas and take the leap of fate as my best friend’s roommate… and I did!

With the expectation to do Real Estate, I had no clue what would unfold there. But, I moved from Michigan with only $1k saved for my road trip and received angel numbers reassuring me I would be assisted with everything else I needed. The divine used strangers, signs, and miracles from every angle.

I had never driven a U-Haul before then. Ironically, there was a shortage going on at the time. I had to drive a 20″ truck, which was very intimidating!!! While prepping for the move there, my best friend offered to fly in to drive with me towards my new destination.

It was one of the BEST things I could have EVER done. It has created literal direction and purpose (for each area of my life).

I was able to dive deeper into my healing journey. All while closely reevaluating my life and where I truly desired to, which seemed to have been a challenging journey before and throughout arriving there.

Comfort:

After living in Texas for almost two years, I am forever grateful for all of my learning experiences there. It felt like some sacred spiritual retreat for both of us to be present and within our freedom. I loved it! It has helped shape me while experiencing the purest joy, even during occasional harsh storms of other emotions.

I’ve had to make peace with the sacrifices I have made throughout this path… Letting go of old friends, distancing from toxic family members, being willing to be somewhat isolated for deeper introspection, and going to lengths without a set income, to name a few.

Throughout my life, I haven’t felt as connected to seeing anything regarding purpose within jobs, schooling, and other things.

However, I undeniably committed to follow through. It’s been nothing short of a blessing to receive the exchange of what’s on the other side of it… Unlimited possibility.

Many things in life come at the cost of facing many truths, changes and growing while in some uncomfortable moments.

Although I am unchanged at the core, I’ve grown so much as a being! This happens to be a lifelong journey I am willing to go the distance to explore.

I DON’T HAVE PTSD
[in Southernspeak]

When I wake up in the mornin’
most any day
everything isn’t broken
lying about in ashen heaps, the smell
his buddies dead or dyin’
one smokin’ wheel of the sideways chopper still turnin’.

I can have
an already-always appreciation
of a new day. Most any mornin’
rain, or sun peering at me
there’s blue sky in between the clouds
and the coffee is good.

I don’t have to clean up empties
or wipe up dog poo cause I didn’t let it out
in time
that time of not bein’ to forget, all encompassing.

My good friend has it tho
and it never fully leaves him
the self recrimination either
whar forgiveness ain’t
nor the compassion jus’ be missin’
he fight this time an’ next for the clear blue.

My friend has seen mor’ o’ the dyin’
than I will ever
even after a career of hospital intensive care work
where my role in it were to stop tha’ dying.
His was to cause it, that ther’ black
when we look each other in tha’ eye, we know.

I pulled on a pair of runners, tied up the laces tight
Lined up behind the racers, hoping to keep out of sight
Two minutes in, I struggled for breath, fearing I would meet my death
I pushed forward despite my pain, dodging blowing northwest rain
With every puddle I side-stepped, I grew stronger, more confident
For the moment I was simply me, not a husband’s wife nor a babe’s mommy
My body moved freely in open space, unconfined by time or place
And with that first race, on that day one, I found I absolutely love to run
This revelation did change the way I lived my life both then and today

As I look back upon this one particular summer day,
I had no idea how much my world would be turned upside down.
Not only upside down but completely around.
I’m talking a total one-eighty.
Everything I did in life would now have a different purpose.
I would no longer be able to accept any form of deterrence.
Every aspect of my life changed for the better on this one particular summer day.

I had no idea I would be looking in the mirror for the rest of my life.
Seeing my many moods, flaws, insecurities, and even my anxieties.
The perseverance, the strength, and the superpowers that I didn’t even know I had.
There they were looking right back at me
through the lens of this small and beautiful mirror image of myself.
All of this took place in a single event, on one particular summer day.

Who knew that over time, and for an eternity,
I would have the strength to put my all into this beautiful image in front of me.
Exalting my courage to lead and protect with unconditional love, strength, and determination.
From the depths of my soul, and with every beat of my heart,
I would forever be connected to another being.
All because of this miracle that mirrors my image, and this one particular summer day.

As time moved on, me and my mirror image would grow together,
teaching each other, learning from each other,
and being that person to one another.
Separate beings, with an inseparable bond.
Trying to figure out life as we lean on each other’s love and support.

Our journey started on this one particular summer day,
and oh what a journey it has been.
One I would not trade for the world.
Imagine the power of one being’s ability to change the life of another.
To make it better and make it sweeter.
I am in awe of the things that God can do,
with just one gift given to you, on one particular summer day.

This wonderful being was given to me, yes me, to be my everything.
The thing that I would live and die for.
This being is my daughter, my heart and soul, my mirror image.
Given to me 10 minutes before that particular summer day would come to an official end.
She is anointed with Love and grace.
My heart stays full with the thought of it all.
As this experience continues to rock my world in amazing ways,
I will forever be grateful for that one beautiful, particular summer day.

Dear Unsealed Family,

It would be off-putting if I didn’t stress that I’m not a overly intelligent
person when it comes to relationships with a divine creator. It is of the most
importance to me that I find something, something that was written or
spoken to help me define this world. This world that for most of my
existence I’ve experienced envelopes of deeply rooted detachments to my
own soul. I was lost, expecting the world to bend to the truth that a
melanated child like myself had some special qualities or traits which only I
have to make me aware of the sudden effects of this particular butterfly that
I’am. I found myself being classified as aberrant, corpulent and numerous
other adjectives one as Juvenile as myself would find Detrimental. It broke
my will to live being that my father’s side of the family and classmates
made me feel that I was impotent, a mundane atom of wasted potential.
It wasn’t just with words used but non-verbal cues that emptied my belief in
myself and this world. It felt as if I was a Homicide not to gang wars but
between family and Societal estrangement. The only peace I had was the
way silence had my back. It was in those moments of silence that
volunteered violence creeped into my mind. These thoughts started to
become folklore to my young mind and harmony with harm became my
only friend. A forever companion that I couldn’t forget, and I walked the
streets of depression alone. When going to school the subway became my
way to ensure a quite exit from this world. I would every day press my face
near the edge of deaths door and at a split second pull back to feel a bit of
what death was like. At the time I didn’t know what a suicidal thought was
or that I had for most of my childhood been a threat to myself. I was
fighting the thought of my being and the anxiety of the words of external
pressures, their shadows slowly stalking my mind. But it was one thing that
made me realize a rather strange feeling I been longing for like the love of
Eros to the desire desperately to feel noticed. I was in my 7th grade art class
and we was creating pottery and could etch anything into the sides of our
clay pots. I stumbled upon images that reflected my interest in my culture. I
picked up Egyptian hieroglyphs and in the process something drew me
towards those pieces of paper. It was if I’ve resonated with those images
that they were a part of my soul and have been for quite a long time. So I
used them on my mug and ashtray, but it didn’t stop there. When computer
class started I would research these hieroglyphs in an attempt to further my
understanding of why these things had such a profound impact on my
young mind. This is when my eyes began opening, looking like a full moon
juxtaposed to the dark mood-less sky. I saw melanated individuals who took
the wind from me. I always wondered why I never saw anybody that looked
like me on the television and if I did, they were mostly athletes or
musicians. it wasn’t until the day that I saw the Egyptians that I knew that
there was more to my people and my heritage. I had the biggest smile on
my face, my shoulders relaxed and my soul, my soul felt whole. I always
believed that my history began and ended at slavery, that I was and always
will be just a N-Word to my self, my people and to other cultures that knew
their story, but now I knew mines as well. It was when I learned that piece
of time not explained to us in the history books that I made a decision to
father study my own history. So to this day I reach for further guidance
from my ancestors and look at them to show self pride in myself. I know
that when I’m down or have thoughts to do harm or anything else I can
meditate on the matter with them and they will find an answers. I’am not a
N-word or any other label someone could describe me as,I’am called Negus
now which is Ethiopian royal title that was historically used to refer to the
monarch or ruler of Ethiopia. I’am happy, I’am love, I’am whole and I’am
grateful to be a melanated soul on this earth.

Always grateful,
Rashan Speller

I bleed rainbows and cry stars

I find community in bars

I was sorrow, I was sin

I denied myself to win

I was lonely and unsure

But no longer immature

I am love and I am strong

I am fearless in my song

I don’t care what others think

And I’ll raise another drink

To brave souls that came before

And blew the locks upon the doors

I am free and I run wild

Like the art made by a child

No remorse and no regret

What you see is what you get

Walk with me and feel my pride

And you will enjoy the ride

Of vibrant life and color burst

Without hunger, without thirst

I am technicolor smile

It just took me but a while

Now I am “alternative”

Let me love and let me live

I think a question that a lot of us ask in the post break-up mess is

Why do they get to move on so quickly when they hurt me? Why is it so easy for them to find someone new as if nothing even happened?

I’ve realized that the answer is present inside the question.

They.
Hurt.
You.

You were the one left traumatized by their action or inaction. Their manipulation and abuse. You are the one left with the healing to do and the pieces to put back together again.

To them, the new girl is just another caught in their path. They’re not moving on, they’re just moving along toward the next source of energy they can drain. The next pretty thing that can make them feel okay bc looking for external validation is always easier for the unhealed, uncaring, and unbothered than just taking time to look inside. They don’t care, and they never will, until the day comes where she gives him that stare.

Manipulation and codependency are not on your registry. They’re not a part of your energy and are far off your radar. It’s not taking you “too long” to move on. You’ve been drug through the depth of hell and have clawed your way back out tooth and nail. So why wouldn’t you take precarious caution and detailed attention into your next ‘mate’?

They’re just moving on to the next,
we are building our future.
We are laying down our foundations to success & prosperity in all fields.

Anything that doesn’t bring us peace
Is a liability that we cannot afford
because we’ve already gambled away too much of our time, too much of our spirit, and too much of our love to only end here.
We are looking for partners and plans.
(…and the occasional one night stand bc we’re all human here 😉)

But we don’t dare waste our time with another who only intends to use us to fill the voids they refuse to heal themselves. We heal ourselves so we never become them and never put anyone else through what they put us though. We are walking illustrations of selflessness, patience, and unconditional love.

Deep down inside, we know this time is meant to love ourselves unconditionally. So when the right one comes along, their love will only add to the self-love that’s already strong inside of us. It won’t need to complete us, because we are complete on one own. We aren’t 1/2, we are the whole and we are all the better for it too.

So my love,
Please know that true love
Genuine love
Unconditionally
Healthy love
Is already abundant inside of you
And when the time is just right,
He’ll come along and add his share too. <3

After the loss of my mother-in-law, my youngest daughter brought up the topic of starting to wear the hijab (a scarf that covers the hair, denoting our humbled nature towards God, and empowering our rights to protect our modesty in a world filled with immodesty). As a mother, who wanted to give my daughter a better chance at a larger pool of the ‘marriage mart’, my husband and I convinced her to wait. However, she brought up my inner need to wear the hijab myself and be a better practicing Muslim, because the hijab is a constant reminder of my connection to God. By wearing it, I’m reminded to always be grateful for what I have, not to envy what others do, work harder to achieve my desires within the dictates, rules and regulations given to Muslims through the Quoraan. I’ve also found that the acceptance I’ve received in this Western Country, Canada, was overwhelmingly positive and empowered me to stay the course of my beliefs. Now, I’m proud to say that my struggle to strengthen my belief is a daily occurrence, that I do my best not fall under its depressing weight. Struggling to unite people through the hijab is an uplifting experience, as one shares their experiences and problems, which in turn help others find solutions for their own set of issues.
My favorite comment when people meet me, is that I have a certain glow to my face that comes from the power of my faith.

Dear, Unsealers:

The following poem is a flashback to November 2015…

In the early morning hours
I stepped off the plane in Madrid
After a long, turbulent flight across the Atlantic

As I see the window ahead of me
I’m on the other side, en el Aeropuerto Barajas
With daylight yet to break

It doesn’t look like I’m in Spain
But indeed I am!

All the waiting and anticipation led here
To these eight days, my first trip away from home
Madrid, Toledo, Granada, Sevila & Cordoba await

To think, this wouldn’t have happened
If I wasn’t told months earlier, “no”.

I didn’t know it then….
I would learn to love traveling solo, joining group trips

This was a celebration of turning thirty!

In this chapter of becoming me
My idea of who I want to be
Has evolved as a result of life
Experience in both love and strife
I find seldom is there black and white
Or simply wrong or completely right
But rather in this world of gray
We must live in our authentic way
Today I’m proud to say I’m queer
I’ll shout it out both far and near
Because in this chapter of becoming me
I’m exactly who I’m meant to be