For most of my life I have smothered myself beneath the ideals of others.
These expectations pushed me into boxes where I did not fit, but I tried to contort and carve away at myself to appease the “rules.”
I thought if I broke them, I would be broken. They were unyielding, so I yielded my will to their commands.

And then one day I stretched out of my box. I worried what others would think, what would become of me, what of the people who were depending on me to be “the good girl” they knew?
But as I stretched, I discovered that parts of my heart were sore.. and some were so weak from lack of use. So much of myself had remained unseen and untested in my box, and do I decided to slowly explore.

I began to see that the ideals I’d chased–
Perfect job, perfect shape
Perfect family, perfect place–
Weren’t what I really wanted.
The fact was, I didn’t know what I really wanted!
But even still, letting go of them was so hard.
Allowing myself to change my expectations was met with a lot of internal resistance.
It was easier in my box, safer.
Don’t make a mess, don’t rock the boat.

But would I ever be happy living someone else’s life? Someone else’s idea of “perfect?”

Dear Me,
I hope you know that YOU are ideal. Right now. As you are.
You don’t have to measure up to anyone’s imaginary lines on the wall. Life isn’t about how tall you are, how skinny, how fat. Life isn’t about collecting diplomas or six figure incomes. Life isn’t about what your family looks like, how many rooms are in your house.

Take up the space you need to. Even when you want to shrink yourself down.
See your beauty, inside and out. Even when the world spins negative commentary on how you look.
Value the lessons you’ve learned, and the ones that will come. Even when conventional school might not be your route.
Know that you do not need another person to complete you. Hold on to the hope that you will find someone whole, who will see you as whole, too.

When I picture you, I don’t see specific features or physical parameters that I need to meet. Life hacks or goal markers that I have to achieve by certain deadlines. Instead I feel a sense, a reassurance that you are someone who has let go of the weight of measuring up. Someone who makes choices based on kindness and light and love, not for the applause of the world.. but of the people around you. The ones who know that you are worthy of love now, not after passing tests or checking off requirements.

There is no standard of perfection. You are perfection. Simply YOU.

Love, Me.

Dear Body,

I never know how to start letters.
I’d ask how you’re doing, but I’m happy to say I think I’ve finally a pretty good grasp on finding the answer to that.
For years I ignored your requests and even demands.
Thought you were too much and needed to be less.
Thought not eating would impress.
Tried to squeeze you into boxes you weren’t meant to fit in.
Tried to make you appealing to everyone but the one who was in your skin.

I can’t say exactly when the shift happened, or what changed my mind.
I think it was gradual, more like dawn than a light switch.
A slow burn of self love growing brighter as I worried less about the size of the stitches that made up my clothes and more about the person who filled them.

Instead of running from the mirror, I paused to Really look into it.
To sit and stare at the human within, and not shy away from certain parts.
To relish in the rolls, feeling each one with gratitude for how my body reminds me that I deserve all the space I take up.
To lounge with the looser parts of my skin and not feel the need to suck it all in.
To soak in the stretch marks and the story they tell of how I will not be contained.
To find each freckle and blemish and scar, to let them remind me of how I’ve come so far.

I’m sorry for the ways I have misused and abused you.
I’m sorry for the times I put you in a position to let others do that, too.
I’m sorry for how I starved you, even when you growled with hunger.
I’m sorry for how I then turned around and smothered you with food, while you silently pleaded for me to find balance.
I’m sorry for how often I told you that you weren’t enough.
I’m sorry that I truly believed you would never be loved.

You have taught me to choose you.
You are the only body I have, and I am grateful that it’s you.
You have led me through challenges and adventures that I thought people like me couldn’t get through.
You have opened my eyes to the fact that I am more than what other people view.
You have endured hatred and vitriol and strife,
And still,
You have held me more than any other person in my life.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Me