October 17th 2006…
Gave up on the old life-it just could not exist.

I was using, drinking, abusing-Trying self to die
But though I was overblown-was some thinking in mind.
At the end of the night-substance and alcohol gone
Came this thinking of life stinking-maybe I was wrong.

Wait a minute here-I should be crumped,
These gasoline fumes just may be dumb.
Tomorrow, my only daughter…turns five-
And I’m not wanting to be alive?

How could one steal a life to others real?
When this world came to life-was it a flip deal?
Had not my best friend-escaped again,
To the hospital room from my hole-sunk tomb?
Emergency fair-I’ll wait…Have not my best friend there.

Then like God spoke:
Put the gas can down-may new life, have wrote…
So, I went next days’ recovery-
Burned out and bent; but God had reality!
…And this could all be good?
Wherefore means the little engine that could?

Therefore I obeyed that very next day,
And glory halleluiah-God had better/No, the best Way!!!
And no-have not had there-street life goodbye
Along with witchcraft involved in drugs…
I was simply chasing the wrong place/wrong love.
God, I thought You hated me-so I hated You too,
I for all along had been deceived-I’ll not type what needs You.
But thank You later for taking me, to the alter of grace…
God, once again-You were on time, because You’re never late!!!

8:41PM
4/15/2024
Monday

That moment I chose myself & my path of destiny
The path that was made for me
Was the happiest moment of my life

I no longer carried the heaviness of oppression & my generational strife
I no longer had to pretend I enjoyed being an ordinary housewife

I ran towards my truth quicker than the wind could blow

I could finally smile and exhale my ancestral whoas

I chose to be the person only a seer could see
I chose to stand tall & SING

I AM no longer a blackbird, but a phoenix of almighty power
I watched the clocks speed up by the hour

As I flew into the unknown above their racist towers
With a new perspective of self-love & dignity

As I sat there resting, finally able to drink my tea
And basque in the glory of who I could BE

Embodying the path that was made for me

Celebrating that I chose,
My heavenly destiny

Distant:

While it seemed as if the world was falling apart, In 2020, the deepest parts of myself were drastically coming together.

Strikingly, my spiritual reawakening shifted the entire trajectory of my perspective, including everything else that slowly led to this rare occurrence.

All within that same year, I had an epiphany that came to pass nearly a year later… When a close friend of mine had just moved to Texas, somehow I intuitively felt that I was soon going to as well. Although, I had never been there or even thought about it prior.

To some degree, it was beautiful to share this news with close relatives about all that I was experiencing spiritually and planning to do.

That still came with some disheartening moments and conversations. No one else fully understood or related to me and I had to accept that they may never will.

Instant:

In 2021, The opportunity finally presented itself. I was asked if I would like to move to Texas and take the leap of fate as my best friend’s roommate… and I did!

With the expectation to do Real Estate, I had no clue what would unfold there. But, I moved from Michigan with only $1k saved for my road trip and received angel numbers reassuring me I would be assisted with everything else I needed. The divine used strangers, signs, and miracles from every angle.

I had never driven a U-Haul before then. Ironically, there was a shortage going on at the time. I had to drive a 20″ truck, which was very intimidating!!! While prepping for the move there, my best friend offered to fly in to drive with me towards my new destination.

It was one of the BEST things I could have EVER done. It has created literal direction and purpose (for each area of my life).

I was able to dive deeper into my healing journey. All while closely reevaluating my life and where I truly desired to, which seemed to have been a challenging journey before and throughout arriving there.

Comfort:

After living in Texas for almost two years, I am forever grateful for all of my learning experiences there. It felt like some sacred spiritual retreat for both of us to be present and within our freedom. I loved it! It has helped shape me while experiencing the purest joy, even during occasional harsh storms of other emotions.

I’ve had to make peace with the sacrifices I have made throughout this path… Letting go of old friends, distancing from toxic family members, being willing to be somewhat isolated for deeper introspection, and going to lengths without a set income, to name a few.

Throughout my life, I haven’t felt as connected to seeing anything regarding purpose within jobs, schooling, and other things.

However, I undeniably committed to follow through. It’s been nothing short of a blessing to receive the exchange of what’s on the other side of it… Unlimited possibility.

Many things in life come at the cost of facing many truths, changes and growing while in some uncomfortable moments.

Although I am unchanged at the core, I’ve grown so much as a being! This happens to be a lifelong journey I am willing to go the distance to explore.

I DON’T HAVE PTSD
[in Southernspeak]

When I wake up in the mornin’
most any day
everything isn’t broken
lying about in ashen heaps, the smell
his buddies dead or dyin’
one smokin’ wheel of the sideways chopper still turnin’.

I can have
an already-always appreciation
of a new day. Most any mornin’
rain, or sun peering at me
there’s blue sky in between the clouds
and the coffee is good.

I don’t have to clean up empties
or wipe up dog poo cause I didn’t let it out
in time
that time of not bein’ to forget, all encompassing.

My good friend has it tho
and it never fully leaves him
the self recrimination either
whar forgiveness ain’t
nor the compassion jus’ be missin’
he fight this time an’ next for the clear blue.

My friend has seen mor’ o’ the dyin’
than I will ever
even after a career of hospital intensive care work
where my role in it were to stop tha’ dying.
His was to cause it, that ther’ black
when we look each other in tha’ eye, we know.

Coffee.
Window watching.
Staring.
Seeing.
Always coffee first.
Sunshine. I see sunshine.
My eyes and brain and spirit
are very happy.
I go to the nearest chair
on my quasi-porch
and slowly absorb the coffee.
Ah hah,
I am ready:
messy red sneakers
and happy socks,
whooshy pants,
and a bright pink tank top.
I’m going to my version of heaven,
an island
still underdeveloped enough
to be magical.
I know it won’t be long
before it’s buried under the selfishness
of people,
so I put in all the time I can get.

I drive the bridge at illegal speeds
and sincerely hope
the State Patrol is nowhere
near me.
I notice other cars
and wonder if the passengers
will run over my spirit
by getting off at my island.

Well far out,
they keep going
and I’m the only car heading to the gates.
Used to be a state park. Now Real estate.
Good Real estate.
Still gated.
Good real estate.
Getting pricier.
Good real estate.
I have a sticker on my windshield,
so the gates part for me,
like I’m Moses at the Red Sea.
I drive
carefully;
State Patrol is everywhere
on this side of the gate.
They even have a building and parking spaces
near my first stop, the ladies’ bathroom.
Door slam #1.
Now, more able to drive carefully,
very carefully. SP everywhere.
Left turn into the historic district.
Yay, parking space.
Door slam #2.
Keys attached to the medallion around my neck.
Yay, I’m free.

I walk through the commercial area,
with the signs and stores
and quick cafes and outdoor
seating and price signs
everywhere.
Rabbits, squirrels, and I.
No people yet. (I’m not people.
I’m a leaf.
I’m a squirrel.
I’m the air.
Spanish Moss.)
No people. Yaaaay.)
I walk.
Small breezes pat my face,
fluff up my hair,
blow out my whooshy pants.
I shuffle along.
No people. Too early.
I walk.
I hear me breathe.
I walk.

I smile.
I watch the waves
dance in and out
and hear them bark at me,
welcoming me
as long as I don’t talk back.
I don’t. They carry on.
I hear seagulls.
I walk.
I see trees.
They see me.
Oh no, a human coming at me
from the opposite direction.
Yay. A non-chatty one.
A brief-waver. A smiler.
A me-form.
And we pass.
I walk.
I sniff.
I walk,
I stare and smile. I walk
I walk until I realize
I’m sweating
and thirsty
and sweating
smiling.
I find the water.
Walk. Walk.
Smile. Sniff.
Part human, part dog.
A friendly labradoodle thinks we’re family.
Owner is not pleased.
I smile and move on.
Dog wants to continue talking
so I wave. Owner waves.
Dog smiles. Dog gets it.

I finish my travels
as the hotel-stayers
and visitors
and locals
decide it’s time for breakfast
and begin to make too much noise,
so I find Luther, (the car)
and put on The Grateful Dead,
open the sunroof and
say goodbye to the family
and let them know
that, like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
I’ll be back,
whether they like it or not.
Like family.

Dog and I say so.

For a long time I have always felt silenced. I go to speak and no words come out. So I hold it in. I have held my tongue for many reasons. One of which comes from childhood where I was told ‘do not speak when grown folks are talking’ or ‘don’t speak when I speak’. And they are always speaking. Another reason for why I have held my tongue is because of my speech impediment. I say my R’s like W’s so whenever I speak people find it comedic and disregard the words that I am actually trying to say. So I hold it in. I don’t speak and I disassociate. But that was my childhood. I am grown now and I can’t keep being quiet. I can’t keep getting walked over and I can’t keep tolerating disrespect. I believe that I try to be gracious to people and even when they are wrong I try not to judge too harshly. I give grace, but it is not received. I get evicted, lose my car, move back in with my parents and it is all his fault. Apparently. Even though everyone in the family has suffered a loss, has lived through failure. However, the person that I love must be perfect and never, ever fall. The person that I love has been judged and I stay silent. The person that I love has been treated and talked about unfairly, but I have no words. If I don’t know how to speak up for myself, how can I speak up for others? The moment that changed my life for the better is when I was punished for loving someone. I had to suffer and go without because he is a little rough, he curses and he’s not perfect. Getting punished for something you cannot control is something that I couldn’t hold it in. The words and emotions flowed out of me. The words stung and I knew it, so I just pressed it in deeper. I wanted to speak on all of the times that I didn’t speak for myself. I wanted to remind them that I was always last on their list and how I was always overlooked. I am never invited out and never included, but the person that sticks beside me and that is with me every day is villainized. He is not perfect, but neither am I. Or you. Jesus said that he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. It seems like those with the most to say and the most to hide are the ones always casting the stone. So, I threw a stone when you made me sit outside in the rain when I was in college, but you let some random guy roomate with you. And I threw a stone on the time that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and you refused to get up because you were in for the night. I am better now that I know that I don’t need to hold my tongue to be a part of a family. I am better since I let you have it. I am better since I stepped to you and made you realize no matter how much older you are than me, I will never tolerate disrespect from you. The moment you took the car away that you gave me because you didn’t like my boyfriend it changed me for the better. Ten days later, I got approved for a car with no money down. Punishing me for who I love will never work because God will show up, show out and bless me even better in the end.

Dear Unsealers,
Life has a peculiar way of guiding us through its most unexpected corridors, turning missteps into milestones. This truth crystallized for me back in 2017, a year that marked the beginning of a profound transformation. It was during a period of desperation, a time when the idea of working from home seemed like a distant dream, that I stumbled upon what appeared to be just another online scam—a course promising answers, peace, and a new path for just $7. Little did I know, this seemingly inconsequential investment would dramatically alter the course of my life.

The course, unconventional in every sense, forced me to view life through a different lens. It was an awakening to the possibility that what I had perceived as life’s cruel jest—the foreclosure that threatened my stability—was, in fact, a veiled opportunity. It nudged me toward a path I had never considered: writing a book. This venture was not just about putting words on a page; it was an excavation of my inner world and an invitation to others to explore their own.

The journey of writing that book opened doors to worlds I had never imagined stepping foot in. It was the bridge that connected me to Lauren Brill and the remarkable “Family of the Unsealed.” This connection was more than a simple network; it was a lifeline to a community that embraced me, flaws and all. Their acceptance and support have been a source of daily gratitude, a constant reminder that even the most unlikely choices can lead to extraordinary places.

Beyond the personal fulfillment of finding my tribe, this $7 gamble introduced me to a vast network of professionals across various industries. I found myself welcomed with open arms, my voice amplified in spaces I had once thought unreachable. From speaking on radio shows to campaigning for local elected officials, the opportunities that unfolded before me were as diverse as they were enriching. Each new experience served not only as a platform for growth but also as a testament to the power of embracing the unconventional.

Perhaps the most invaluable gift this journey has bestowed upon me is the realization that I am not alone in my quest. The knowledge and skills I gained along the way illuminated the collective struggle and resilience of those fighting similar battles. It’s a powerful reminder that our most significant growth often comes from our greatest challenges.

In reflecting on how a $7 scam course irrevocably changed my life for the better, I am reminded of the unpredictable beauty of life’s journey. It is a narrative of transformation, a testament to the unpredictable paths that lead us to our true calling. For every door that closed, a window opened, guiding me towards a life of purpose, connection, and unanticipated joy. The lesson was clear: sometimes, the best investments are the ones we least expect.

Heartbreak taught me to put myself first. To not self abandon, especially when my partners don’t ask that of me, to not be so self sacrificing out of fear of being abandoned because in the end, if they wanna leave.. they will.. no matter how good you treat them. Even if their actions trigger my abandonment wounds, to have the courage to leave and trust my instinct when it shows me a situation or person isn’t meant for me. Heartbreak has taught me many many things, to not be so quick to fall in love, to take things really slow, to take your sweet time opening up to people again until it feels safe to trust. The right person will wait for you, will be gentle with you, will understand your wounds and pain, will want to be there alongside you as you learn to pick up the pieces again. Heartbreak taught me that I am enough, that I am NOT the problem, because all my exes and lovers have always come back over and over because they too know, that a woman like me is a once in a lifetime experience and you’ll be searching for me in everyone you meet. I am an experience, you’ll learn to love yourself, to meet yourself, to experience unconditional love when you collide with me.

Silence must be heard

A Voice unheard.
Afraid to speak
Years of darkness,
Years of being a sheep.
Wrongfully fired on the spot
Her mouth hung open
She was distraught
Silenced again,
with so much pain
Never again
Did she move the same.

Fear resided, kept her silent
Until reminded,
She was the pilot.
Stepping on the stage,
She sang her song
Wrote her next page.
Verbiage flowed
like never before

Finally,
her Voice roared.
Her Voice carried
The melody gave her power
She began to bloom
Becoming a vibrant flower!
Now heard and not just seen,
She began to live
Live her dreams,
Never to fear being
Heard or seen.

Under a gossamer swan sky
Our present meets the past
Mother and daughter travel the streets
Of E’ire in old Belfast

The bright and brilliant azure sky
Crisp and clear and clean
Dips down to gently touch varied greens
The like we’ve never seen

Murals depict the troubles
Of Northern Ireland life
Rebellion hangs heavy in the air
Reminding of the strife

The Peace Line had been drawn
The wall still standing there
Brother still fights brother
From dusk until the dawn

A country ever fractured
By a god that can’t be seen
The rebels travel south
Refusing reign of England’s queen

Pavement turns to cobbles
On the Dublin streets we roam
From the North the Halligan’s came
We have finally found our home

Broken by deceit, confused by the sorrow,
Wondering what life holds in the brink of the tomorrows,
Friends turn to foes, enemies unchained….
Running wild they start to crowd in the land of the untamed.
Like hamsters spinning on hamster wheels,
Going nowhere fast,
I can’t be delusional,
I have to leave them in the past.
Who said everything should last?
Anyway,
Reclaim your time, because if you weren’t meant to shine,
God wouldn’t have saved your life,
And the enemy wouldn’t always have you on his mind.
More valuable than rubies,
More precious than a pearl,
Do it for all the souls after you….
Every little boy and every little girl.
You were born a winner, don’t look at the aesthetics of your life,
You were destined for the life you have right now, you earned your position,
Remember the pain and strife?
You suffered so much,
That’s why your harvest will be plentiful.
You did your job, you put in the work,
Check your fingernails….
You see that dirt?
That’s called field hands, yet they look so clean….
Just like Ruth baby….
You had to glean.
But don’t you dare allow “them over there” 👉 to make you feel less than you are….
Because the biggest eyes, 👀
Tell the biggest lies,
But if you didn’t shine…
How could they still see you enough to 🗣️ on you from afar?
Stay true to yourself,
Stand in your ROYAL POSITION,
Because each time you’re mentioned,
You’re the center of attention,
And that only happens when
You have soooo much OIL IN YOUR KITCHEN!!!!

Copyright ©️ Jacquiline Cox 2024

You told me not to leave
More times than I could count
Confused young kids
Having kids
Not knowing what was what

Well one day I finally remembered
I’m worth
All the love and more
And that endless love
It starts within
And flows forevermore

The journey has not been easy
Rocky from the start
But I’ve grown stronger and wiser
And all these lessons fill my heart

I’ve had poison aimed straight to my soul
From your words and energy
But despite your lies and anger
I never will grow cold

Because if this darkness that I must face most days
The light I have within my soul
Re-illuminates me always.

The stars, my brothers & sisters,
How much I miss all thee
To see you, shiny, bright optimists –
Such a deep positivity to guide.

So many of you all, those stars –
The houses, cities, industries, beings
Dull you now, and so, so few
of you shine as bright, barely gleaning.
Now, not as many of you
Illuminate and shining to inspire
Amongst the rest of mankind.
I miss seeing you as I did back there . . .

I lay there in the vast school valley
No major lights, here third world style.
Cast myself away from the US, I fled,
practically now an exile.
I came to understand more of the world
Wanting to see if I can do any good.
Lying, wishing to be in the space purl,
There in the dark of the African continent.
I smile with peace and such ease
While looking up at those grand stars,
Milky Way, galaxies, while a scant breeze
waves across my skirt and the tall grass.

My Earthly Family, those stars
mine, yours, our representative.
This view, this experience,
I rushed over, not so tentative/
To learn so much, but the stars
Illuminated the sky and world
So much brightness and loveliness,
and so much did unfurl.
I’ll never feel like this again.

Those days over in Tanzania
will forever last in memory
That life, those stars, now as unglistened
In this sky so uncomplimentary

Sharing now that life is short.
I’ll enjoy it as best as I did under
The Tanzania stars and sky

I remember seeing this light off in the distance, a light so bright and beautiful but, it was so hard to explain. It’s like this light was a sign. I told my husband someone is coming, I don’t know who or when, but someone is coming.

You see my husband and I were foster parents. We had put things on hold because we had one of our godchildren living with us. One day we get a call from our social worker asking us if we want to stay certified. She said we’d have to take our classes online by Monday, it was FRIDAY! We did everything and got up to date for another year.

Monday comes and we get a call…. We have a 14 year old that needs a home. Without question we took her. She came to us timid and meek but, hard as ice. Hard as ice meaning she had been through things that no child should ever face. We LOVED her from the moment we got the call. She came to us on my Mom’s birthday.

We went to my Mom’s for some cake and everyone met her and welcomed her. When we got home, I remember seeing her in her bedroom barefoot and I thought “she’s home”. We had LOTS to learn and work through.

I remember taking her school supply shopping, her social worker was supposed to meet us to pay for her supplies but, she never showed up. Brittany thanked us for spending our money on her. She said that most foster parents would not do that
I remember one of the nurses speaking to Brittany instead of one of us to make a doctors appointment and when I called to reschedule because my husband had an appointment that day, she was expecting us to drop her off and I said HELL NO! This is my child and I’m not just dropping her off, I’ll be with her at every appointment!

I remember Brittany leaving our house in the middle of the night, we’d be sitting up worried sick until she came back. We had no way of knowing where she was or who she was with, no cell phones back then. I remember being frantic every time she left the house.

I remember my husband saying “Brittany you’re going to pay for that screen” she thought he was talking about cash 🤣. He meant you’re going to work it off. Ohhh did she do some pouting. She had to rake the yard for her birthday party that weekend. I went to my Nanny’s to borrow a rake and told them that Chris was having a Daddy moment. Years later Brittany remembered that lesson.

I remember having words with Brittany and she wanted to leave then SHE decided to stay with us.

I remember Brittany seeing a boy and the changes that came about in her life. While she spoke to him she didn’t leave in the middle of the night, she was more emotionally present with us etc. Her whole attitude changed. We spoke to said boy and he knew under no uncertain terms we would not play with him if anything happened between them.

I remember her 15th birthday party, she played games with everyone. I can still hear her laughing. I saw a young girl blossoming. I saw my daughter, I saw an angel before me.

I remember my husband, her Daddy and her Pawpaw Tony taking her fishing an how she laughed and told fish stories like the best of them.

I remember her making friends with girls from school and them coming over to swim and hang out.

I remember a girl who was fierce and timid all in one. I remember a girl who loved with all she had. She showed compassion and empathy towards others like no one I’ve ever seen.

I remember going to the grocery store and her asking for those soft iced cookies in the bakery. She loved sharing them with Neila. She would laugh because her tongue turned blue. I still think of her every time I see those cookies.

I remember when she was removed from our home because she was seeing an older boy. I remember being told that we were supposed to stop her interest in older boys. I told my social worker…. You tell me how. You just tell me how.

I remember her leaving her next foster home because she wanted to be with us!

I remember the calls late at night asking me to come get her. Oh how I wish I would have!!! I remember the calls on HER BIRTHDAY!! She called me at my job on her birthday! 😢 I remember the gut wrenching pain of knowing there was nothing I could do! My hands were tied, legally that is!!!

I remember that the system failed her!! I remember that I failed her!!

After she turned 18 she did come back. But she was not the same, she had to learn survival skills. She was stuck in survival mode.

I remember her seeing her Daddy lying in the hospital bed dying. I remember seeing her break down for the Daddy that she only knew a short time. The Daddy she longed for, the Daddy so desperately needed.

Once my husband passed away I remember telling her that I would not tolerate drugs in my home. I remember telling her that I loved her but, she had to go. I tried everything that I could but, I could not risk my life or the lives of my family because of drugs. I didn’t want someone to come around looking for money for drugs and end up hurt or killed.

That’s the last memory I have of my daughter! Putting her out because of drugs in my home. I’ve thought about her OFTEN over the years, I’ve wondered how she was, if she was ok??

Now all these years later I come across her obituary and it brings up all these feelings of despair. I cried! I said WHY GOD!!! I so wanted a better outcome!!! My heart hurts!!!

Brittany I have never, nor will I ever stop loving you! You were a light in my life. You brought such joy to my heart. You will forever be my guardian angel.

i’m 19 and my boyfriend of five years has just left me
alone
600 miles away from our home.
and now i’m stuck at a wedding i never wanted to see
everyone around is smiling, ignoring me
as i cry and
i sit and i scream
at the top of my lungs
but on the inside,
my burning scream is buried deep inside-
one of the many to later come,
my future self will realize.

i cannot steal the spotlight from the bride.
precious princess,
that’s who she is.
she’s always been a real bitch-
princess has always made me feel
invisible
unwanted
not welcome,
in my own family home,
600 miles away from where she lives.

so when he leaves me just before the grand show,
i sit and i laugh
cause inside i know
he and i
we’ve broken up more times than i can count.
except
the way he was crying and cursing my name
has me scrambling,
feeling all out of breath,
quit laughing you psycho,
wake the fuck up!
all of a sudden
i feel tremendous pain
so i get up and go
tears suddenly stream down my face
i didn’t think that i cared
but now i’m
running faster than my six minute mile
down the hallway and the stairwell
that feels like they never end
and i demand to know
that green eyed man in a red flannel jacket
which way did he go
left or right
but
he’s gone.
my honey, baby, sweetheart
he’s gone
and i didn’t even beg him to stay.

it’s all of my fault
i gasp and i feel
the silent and sudden creep
of another panic attack
like when he held my face down in the rug
to make me shut the fuck up
or slammed on the breaks to make me hit the dashboard
in that stupid chevy metro
because i pissed him off
and he needed a laugh.

three days pass
and here i am,
47 missed calls
probably 93 texts
all ignored
unanswered
and yup
you can probably guess
that when i turned the pink key to open the door
to our apartment
i see
all my clothes on the floor
with everything gone
he didn’t even leave me a towel
to wipe my freshly showered body on
no anime games
glass pieces
or decade old shirts
that smell like him.
my jewelry is even all tangled in knots
left alone on the floor
like the pieces of my shattered heart.

but wait
there i see
a letter left for me
my hear dances as i read
his plea
asking for money for the electricity bill
telling me to follow my dreams
i was right all along
we aren’t right for each other
we don’t get along
and have nothing together
move along
move on
forget about me
but first
hand me over money.

the truth of the matter
he left me for someone three times my size
it bothered me for a long time
but as it’s come to pass
i came to remember
it was i
not just him
who caused all the pain.
together
we destroyed
we ruined,
a sweet everlasting song
ripped it apart
cause we didn’t want it all along.

in nine years since
i’ve
fallen in love
with myself,
raised a daughter who’s soul shines brighter than the summer sun in texas,
chased God and prayed to Jesus,
found a job i wouldn’t be me without.
ran away to california
and came back to my momma.
i’ve smiled with my ex as he showed me pictures of his baby,
born on his birthday
which i had to chase down with a shot of solitude.
i’ve read books that became apart of my being,
lost people i never thought would leave in decades to come,
i’ve dated men who are nothing like him
and thanked my lucky stars for blessing me
with an amazing experience
of heartbreak
of being absolutely crushed
shattered to the bone,
left feeling like i didn’t lose a person
but a home.

because thru all of the aching
the pain
the bruise
feeling alone in a crowded room,
i took the seeds of my soul
and watered them
with my tears:
a garden that overflowed
taller than
any sunflower
skyscraper
airplane in the sky
my soul rose up
all the way to kiss Jesus Christ
that green eyed boy he was apart of
this plan of my life.
there’s not a month that goes by
that he’s not loving me in my dreams
i’m his wife
and he’s my man
but when i awake
it’s not by pain or annoyance
just the beauty of being
a monarch butterfly
who was set free
by someone who loved me more than i loved myself at the time.

today
i look in the mirror,
here is who i see:
a warrior princess
the daughter of a true King
the mother of the best blessing i’ll ever receive
the future wife of a love i have yet to meet
a monarch butterfly
traveling through this walk of life
graciously
effortlessly
gingerly
and
at peace.

To anyone who has pondered their past,

I’d like to share with you about a time that changed me for the better.

It was the summer before my junior year of college. I had a small view of the world and how it worked. My idea of success was based upon a semester of good grades combined with how many new Facebook friends I could add after a night of partying. If my hair, makeup, and outfit were on point? Even better. I was content to keep up appearances and do what everyone else my age was doing, or so I thought.

At the time my true spirit was suppressed. A couple years prior I had an emergency C-section to remove a cyst that had mysteriously formed on my ovary. A year later I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism once a nodule was discovered on my thyroid gland. Growing up with Asthma and often ill, I hated learning that there were more ailments being added to my roster. As one can imagine, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind. “Why me? Why does my body hate me? Will I keep getting worse? I’m too young to have a chronic illness…”

Overwhelmed, I banished those concerns to the basement of my brain. I kept living “young, wild and free”, avoiding my problems. I believed that fearing death was for “old people.”

After two years of studying media production, I soon wanted my very own MacBook Pro laptop. I envisioned myself editing on Final Cut from my off-campus apartment. Ideas flooded in – Fashion reels, experimental shorts, music videos, bright colors, textures, fun effects! It was time for an upgrade. But that meant I had to work for it. Summer job? It was a must. After some calculations I discovered I would have to work TWO jobs to reach my goal!

“Well, alright then,” I thought. Just like fashion guru Tim Gunn, I’ll “make it work”. So thus began the summer where I wrapped meat in a cooler early mornings and in the evenings got dolled up to buss at the soon-to-open Italian restaurant. This was when I met her, the young girl from Nigeria. Skin glowing and baby-faced – “absolutely still in high school,” I thought. She talked with a rich musical accent that rendered her hard to understand. Most of the group felt unsure to speak to her, yet I gravitated towards her. She sparkled while she laughed even when no one else found the humor. In time, my ears adapted, and I could fully understand her. “My family recently moved here”, she shared.

When I worked shifts with her, she brightened the hours that passed. We shared inside jokes, danced behind the kitchen doors, and she did not judge me for when I got written up for sneaking the breadsticks. My spirit felt untethered by her. I could let go of trying to appear like everyone else.

Then one day my new friend asked me something I never thought I would hear. “Will you come to my brother’s funeral?” My heart skipped a beat. I thought I misheard her. “What?” My eyes looked directly into hers. “My brother was found dead.” I hugged her and suddenly I did not give a crap about breadsticks.

A week or so had gone by and I found myself at her brother’s service with a fellow busser, a sweet woman many years older than my friend and myself. We were welcomed and loved right away into a family who had the biggest hearts. Songs praising God lifted the roof and rang strong and loud into the heavens. Arms outstretched and hands reached towards the sky. I soon realized that even in their grief, this was a celebration. People cried, smiled and expressed themselves in ways that were purely human, and they were not afraid to show it. I closed my eyes, sang and swayed, and basked in the connection felt between us all. There I was, an ungrateful college student with an abnormal growth on her thyroid, a scar on her abdomen, and a chronic disease, yet through it all, I was alive. I was blessed to have all of my tomorrows whereas my friend’s brother? He did not.

That day changed me. It felt better than any amount of likes on my Facebook page ever could. It felt real. Thanks to my friend that summer, my spirit received a nudge towards a truth that I had long avoided. Death is not just for the elderly. Death comes for us all. We can choose to fear it, not think about it, or accept it. I went back to school with my fancy new laptop knowing in my heart that I had to make that choice and no one else could do it for me.

An experience that changed my life for the better was making the decision to get sober. My life was out of control, my mental health was suffering the worst it has ever been. I was failing as a mother, wife and daughter. I took a look at my life and was disappointed in what I saw. I was choosing buying substances over buying medicine, food, and the basic essentials. My life was in shambles, I was falling apart and I did not know how to bring myself back to life.
I conquered the most challenging part, I made the decision. I made the decision to never use or drink again. This moment changed everything. I kicked, screamed and withdrew on my couch begging for someone, begging myself to just get me through this. I did, in the end, conquer my addictions, my darkness, and pain. I rose like a phoenix and changed my thoughts, my behaviors, actions and most importantly I changed the way I spoke to myself. Instead of demolishing myself for past mistakes and behaviors, I forgave. Forgive myself, my husband, my family that caused childhood trauma. I learned forgiveness and most of all mercy.
Looking back I can see the turmoil I brought on my family. The sleepless nights, the intense fights… The selfishness. To see yourself become someone you do not recognize, someone you can’t look in the mirror, someone you hate. It changes you. I see the selfish choices, the lack of regard for anyone in my household, the lack of love for myself.
Now I see light, happiness, I see the beauty in life. The small things I took for granted I now bask in, like the breeze on a cool fall day. I notice the birds chirping in the morning as the sun rises, I acknowledge the beauty of the sun kissing the sky and painting it with colors of pink and purple at sunrise. I see the beauty in life, in my life, which I never saw before. I look at myself with love and acceptance. I give myself grace. I came out of the darkness and despair and traded it in for a life I only dreamed of, with love and peace. Instead of waiting for someone to come save me, I saved myself.

At first, I thought that writting this letter would be hard for me because, there have been a few things that happened in my life that changed me for the better or that has tought me a lesson/lessons. But actually, it’s going to easier than I thought. Life is always teaching us lessons, but just as it was in school, it depends on if we are paying attention or not in order to learn those lessons.
One experience that helped me change my life for the better, was when I found The Most High ( or some like to call him, God). Dont get me wrong, I always was a very spirtual person because I did grow up going to church and all, but it wasnt until I had gotten older to understand that my relationship with him had to be alot more personal and alot more surrendering.

I have always known I was different, I just didn’t really understand how or why. And at first, yes I thought something was wrong with me because I never fit in with my peers. Eventhough I tried. It wasn’t until going through so many trials and tribulations all around the same time that caused me to seek a more deeper understanding about myself, about life and about my purpose of why I’m actually here.

I don’t want to get too much into details, but I will say that I had a few losses of loved ones, jobs, friends and even became homless at a point of time. Like completely homless to where I had to pedhandle, ask total stangers to help me be able to feed myself for the day, which was not always easy. I had slept ouside, on trains, even slept in a car. I am grateful for those who did help, but there were alot of people who didnt want to. Which caused me to have to spend awhile doing it until someone was kind enough to help me. Not to mention, I had to put so much pride to the side in order to be able to ask totally strangers for money in the first place.

One day, I had a meltdown. In frustration of everything that seemed to be hitting me all at once, I cried out literally in prayer. I was angry, sad, and very emotional. Didn’t know what else to do, who to turn to, or how to feel anymore. And eventhough I hadn’t been to church in years, something in me made me cry out in prayer that day. I was overwelmed. I knew there was someone greater than I that had the answers to all my questions, and I was tired of trying to figure it out on my own. And, The Most High most really did answer me soon after.

Something(our creator) urged me to start reading the bible after that prayer. So I did. I started to read more from that point on, started praying even more and not just even asking for things but being grateful for things that I did have and for still being here. I started to seek deeper into self-care and loving myself, healing from my past. I noticed that a change within me started to happen so much that I started to see changes happen around me and for me. I found a better job, making more money, married my soulmate, and I started to understand more about myself so that I could contiue to make changes and grow.

Some call it a spiritual awakening, I call it becoming more self aware. Healing from pass trauma and learning how and when to use my gifts. Remember when I said that I knew that I was different, and that I just couln’t explain or understand how? Well, I found out that everything that I had been through was meant to happen so that I could be a testimony to help others that may have experience the same things that I have. And that I should find ways to use my talents to share my story with others, to help them find and keep hope alive. I have become a better version of myself. I love helping others, wheither its with my story, or being someone that is easy to talk to, or even helping out the homless as best as I can. Because I was once homless, I now understand just how important it is to give back to the community. Expecially to those in need. I know firsthand that not many people want to help the homeless, so I want to make sure that I am apart of the small percentage that love helping. We should always give, it should be in everyone’s heart to help each other without looking for something to something gain. Unfortunatly, its not in everyone’s heart to help.

Our creator saved me that day. He was just waiting on me to acknowledge him, ask him for his help because he is the only one who truely can. I am on a better path in life now, eventhough it still can get frustrating with everything that’s going on, I now understand that I am not alone. I never was alone, and as long as I keep my realationship with him, he will always be there to guide me to the path that he designed for me.