let go.
let go of people.
let go of things.
let go of places.
let go of yourself & all of the negative inner monologues along with it.
let go of labels.
let go of bad habits.
let go of unfulfilling relationships of all kinds; friendships, family, coworkers, romantic partners, you name it.
let go of mistakes.
let go of the past, future & the fear of living for today.
let go of anything & everything that does not resonate this very day.
let go of old perspectives.
let go of previous wounds.
let go of past hurts.
let go of your first & last lover.
let go of lack mentality.
let go of all that was ever known.
let go of anything & everything that no longer rings true within your heart.

let go in exchange to move forward & welcome the unwritten chapters of your life.

hello to new people.
hello to new things.
hello to new places.
hello to new beginings.
hello to new opportunities.
hello to new chances.
hello to new loves.
hello to abundance.
hello to the present.
hello to myself.

let go to surrender to your destined life.
the story is only yours to create,
what will you choose to write?

As I took a trip down memory lane
I thought I’d write you a letter
It’s a letter in your memory
One I’ll carry with me forever

It was Valentine’s Day 2011
The story of your new life begins
I wandered through the shelter aisles
I was looking for a special friend

Several people passed you by
And at first, I did too
But you wouldn’t stop crying in your cage
Begging me to pick you

I remember your big hazel eyes
And your gigantic ears
And the big red bow tied around your neck
And how your face was stained with tears

I knew from that moment you were the one
And you were the one every day after
You were sick and you were scared
But you still managed to bring me laughter

Those few years went by so fast
They were almost a blur to me
We went to the park, you learned new tricks
And sometimes you struggled to breathe

Your heart slowly began to give way
But you still put up a fight
Every moment was a precious gift
During your final year of life

But the time had come, you could fight no more
I tried everything to keep you alive
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But I had to say goodbye

An empty basket sat in the car beside me
The night I left the vet’s
I only had your collar in my hand
And I came home to your empty bed

I miss you every day of my life
But there are days I miss you more
You were my very first baby boy
The one I loved and adored

But you are not suffering anymore
You are running wild and free
Over the rainbow bridge
And watching over me

Okay, maybe you’re not really watching me
It’s just my silly dreams
I’ve been holding onto your memory
Since September 2019

You looked back for a moment
It was time for you to fly
Over the rainbow bridge
Our final goodbye

You could’ve been anyone’s dog
But I’m so glad that you were mine
I’ll miss you forever
My Valentine

Yes, I’ll miss you forever
Eight years just wasn’t enough time

I close my eyes and blow on a dandelion, making a wish to have you here for one more year. I open my eyes and watch as the seeds fly around. You are not here but I feel you are near, watching over me when I cry or feel fear. You will never know when that one more embrace, dance, or moment will be the last. If I had known when I woke you would be gone I would not have let go so fast. You sparkled brighter than any star in the sky, I would give them all to hear you sing one more lullaby. My guardian angel, you are so dear. I am still wishing for you to appear, one final moment to have you right here. One day I will join you for a dance in the sky, until then I will never be the first to let go again or deny a kiss goodbye.

To feel the wind from the trees
& instantly smile
Surrounded by the love of life
My world
Mi Amor
The Butterflies i get to see her face i the sunlight
In the moonlight
Underneath the stars
That shine as bright
As her Smile
My heart has never felt such joy
Such peace to be with someone as beautiful & perfect as she is
She is home
My Other Half
My Darling ,Love Of My Life
With her my problems go away
My past doesn’t hurt so bad
When i am sad i think of her
& i am at peace
I could not imagine my life without her
Her Smile
Her Glow
The love i get just by presence
Her Touch
Her Words
By the way she looks at me
She is my happy joyful place
She not only has my heart
But consumes my soul
In every good way i could possibly think of
To my Peace
I love you with my all, My everything
Thank you for making me feel safe
For you to be my peace
Thank you for being there for me

Little Elena…why are you so worried?
Little Elena worried so much about the future. About people pleasing for her parents and making them proud. She wanted a career her parents would be proud of and being a creative was not getting the love & support I needed.
This is a letter to 12-year-old Elena. The girl who was filled with creative and innovative ideas but also filled with fears and no outlet to share them. I grew up in the 90’s, we didn’t have internet. I read books, watched a lot of horror movies, listened to the west coast rap, and wanted to be a writer so badly. I was inspired by west coast rap, by books and by Tupac Shakur’s lyrics. I was inspired by the horror movies on TV and used to say to my Barbies, “I am going to write my own horror story, and everyone is going to love it.” The problem was, I wrote the stories, but no one loved them. Why? Because I was too afraid to show case my writing anywhere. Oh, then there was that time I had a dumb boyfriend that went through my stuff in my room and found my writing. I was so pissed that I snatched it and he thought I was cheating. He said he didn’t read much but it was enough for my privacy to be violated that I swore I wouldn’t share any writing again. I love to write, I was sad.
In school, I would avoid sharing any writing assignments. I skipped class when it had to do with creative writing. And I would not turn in any creative writing assignments, I would just take the F. I hated school anyways, not too sure how I passed. But one thing I wished someone told me at that age, FUCK school. You don’t even use a quarter of what you learn. It is all colonized learning and kids going to school is part of the colonizer’s plan. Yeah… I knew school was a waste of my time but how could I have said all that to my parents without getting my ass whooped. Well, I grew up and forgot all about being creative at anything and went into a field I swore I would never go into only to people please, healthcare. That is such a joke of a job… it wouldn’t be if healthcare organizations actually CARED about its people and the people the people in healthcare. I stayed a Medical Assistant because I refuse to become an RN to further get played by the system. They scam you into thinking that money is everything, so long as you sell your soul to the evil health care corporation that will drain your soul. Not approve your PTO when you want, enable lazy, mean workers to continue to work. I wish someone would have told me more about the world we live in. Not how to continue to get played in it. Why is there never a department in healthcare that is fully staffed? I never got that. They have all this money to charge patients but cannot afford to hire more people is crazy.
Now, I wish someone would have properly informed me of this and said:
“Elena, if you choose to go down the healthcare path that’s ok. But know that it will be hard. You will encounter jealousy, hate, RACISM, burn out, no one giving a fuck about you, lazy coworkers, bullies. You will need tough skin and always stand your ground. You will NEVER need a job; they need you more than anything so shows them you ain’t a bitch. Don’t go above and beyond. Call in sick when you need to, don’t let them BRAINWASH you into thinking you have to get coverage for your own shift. THAT IS COLONIZED THINKING AND BULLING YOU INTO NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE A BREAK FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. Match their energy, they treat you at 43%, give them that or less. Do not do overtime, that’s a joke. Taxes. Get yourself a good primary care doctor and have them put you on FMLA days for mental health. Take vacations. Quit if they are not respecting your needs. A 2 WEEK NOTICE WHOULD BE DESERVED, IF THEY DON’T DESERVE ONE DON’T GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS. “
Man, I wish I was well informed. I also wish someone would have shown me how to deal with anxiety and the stresses of life. How to be an adult and juggle a career, family, and mental health. I would have thought school was more important if they would have been teaching us about life. Not brain washing us into thinking college is the answer. Only to drain all the money from us and our parents.
Basically, I wish someone would have let me know how I can live in this colonized world we live in. But also, to keep writing. Keep being creative. Show up and do not be afraid to show your authenticity. People will always judge, give them something to judge. Be you.
-Elena

Nights full of laughter and conversations of nonsense, I’m falling for you there’s no stopping it. In every dimension our souls intertwine. I’m drowning in your ocean blue eyes. In your arms I lay at night. You are my home. You are my light. Let’s fall in love in every life.

Dear younger self,
I know you are sitting in that yellow chair wondering why mom never showed up. You’re feeling like you’re not worthy of love and wondering if there will ever be anyone in your life who won’t run away. You blame yourself for the adults that have failed you. I know it seems impossible but with time it will get better. You will find people who not only love you but make you feel safe. You find a husband who gives you the Cinderella story you dream of having. You no longer dream of running away and finding a better place. You’re in a space that’s full of peace and warmth. I know it’s not easy but it will all be worth it so, hang in there sweet girl all of your dreams will become a reality.
Sincerely,
Your future self.

Hello world, I know you are probably wondering how’s life, what’s going on, what has been happening to me. We are beauty, We are one with ourselves without a doubt. Let’s begin to be in a world surrounded with true loving inspirational humans. To go through this chapter with no regret. I’m living life as time goes by with ambition, and conquering fears. I can be myself with no judgement. No fear or care of judgement from strangers who mean so little. I stand up for myself not so timid. Eighteen year old me was not ready for who i am today. I’m a published author now who knew that would be happen, I accomplished I’m very gratefully eccentric . I love myself finally after 22 years of not. I sang karaoke with the love of my life in front of an audience. I was confident I’m proud of that. I’m joyful, in love, and all i see are the beauty of everything around me. I met the most beautiful woman I’m spending the rest of my life with, She’s my always and forever & I couldn’t ask for anyone better than her. She’s my person, whom i can be vulnerable with always. To Mi Amor, the New job, The New opportunities , The New Special Memories I adore you. I’m looking forward to chapter 23!!! As we continue the journey, we now embrace life no longer dread it. I feel it, the wind from the trees everything so beautiful from the rustle of leaves, feel the ground beneath my fee ,the clouds moving slowly but surely, the stars shining brighter than ever before, to finally just get in touch with mother nature herself has truly been Exceptional. Who i am today & Who i was before i see the change ,the growth just to make it here. I know now that all the struggle & obstacles I’ve been through had to happen for me to be the beautiful, strong intelligent woman i am now & now i know that i have always been strong, I just couldn’t see the strength in me till now & for that i smile at this twenty-second chapter of my life.

I wish I could wake up in the morning
To a house that’s prepped and made
No dishes or mess to clean up
The laundry is folded and put away

I wish that I was understood
That my efforts were noticed
And in return the context clues I love to scatter
Get swept up by loved ones
Offering to return the favor

I wish that I could walk the streets late at night
No mace or pepper spray in my line of sight
My keys are meant to unlock my door
Not clenched between my knuckles
Waiting to be bore

I wish that I could shake the hands
Of each passerby I encounter
Grinning widely from cheek to cheek
Exchanging pleasantries and
our hopes for the future
Morals aligning and feeling at ease
Knowing many people feel the same as me

I wish I had one perfect day
To rest and partake in hobbies
No work to stress
Just reading my favorite books in hotel lobbies
I would sing and dance and play in the rain
No anger left, no unresolved pain

Because womanhood is often a burden
That at times feels like a tyrant warden
Patiently waiting until my time is served
And knowing my aptitude is mildly absurd
But I often hope for the little things
Because to me they feel like extraordinary wins
And when this mindless duty is fulfilled
My perfect day will be without guilt

Here we are
22 years later
We smile, show teeth
The glow is upon our face
In the mirror
We no longer critique ourselves so negatively
We see a perception of time that is you
Recognizing Beauty
To finally accept us
You Love You
This is the woman you’ve longed to become
Our soul is at peace
Subconsciously we can hear the joys of a no longer battle
With our Competing Minds
Within Loving me we feel alive
You notice when you love you that you feel everything ten times better
From The wind you hear ruffling through the trees
To the stars you see at night shines brighter than ever before
You laugh so effortlessly
You let yourself be loved
Inside you have this feeling of light
Light that is not hiding behind the shadows of reject, loss of self respect
No dim light in sight
Opinions have no effect if negative, you take it like a grain of salt
It’s okay if they leave, we let them
& Leva ( Live)
Our beauty, Our Love within continues to grow , to prosper
A Muse a perception of me of true harmony
Can you hear the angels singing?
Our skin tinglingly
Our hair growing
Our crown showing
Here lies me
Coming out of the shadows
Using voice of reason
Understanding loving within & what it means to be loved
A magnificent thing loving you is
How it can make you hear the birds chirping around you
The sun shining on you
It’s a bliss
A reality
We are now
Present &
I Accept me
I truly love me

Another year down this road
In many ways I’ve grown
Spontaneity, once my greatest fear
A trip into the unknown

I’ll stop seeing my body as a prison
A cage that I can’t escape
For this “prison” has fought many fights
And is still fighting until this day

I’ll view the world with a little less fear
And give open doors a chance
Tomorrow isn’t promised
So I’ll make every moment last

I’ll tend to my own garden
Watering the field in which I lay
No more searching for greener pastures
Just staying in my lane

The spring will bring new flowers
The weeds may still arise
I’ll nip all problems in the bud
I’ll no longer keep them inside

I’ll be a better person
I’ll learn from my mistakes
I’m not as lost as I once was
Maybe this year I will find my way

i know pain because i know love.
pain & love can be the most powerful or disastrous recipe known by man.
between the two, i sometimes contemplate which carries heaviest within the heart.
some place armor to protect themselves.
others allow the knife to slowly seep underneath their skin.
“always sleep with one eye open.
never take anything for granted.”
this can be torturous within itself —
how can we ever get any real sleep?
are my eyes not for me?
are your eyes for you?
for what we see, are we really seeing for what it is?
pain deludes within the soul.
love delights within the truth.
may our eyes rest peacefully through the most somber of nights.
where darkness resides there is light to be found.
i choose to sleep with my eyes closed.
there is beatitude in trusting the madness.
for i choose to love on and appreciate for what i do have, rather than what i do not.
may this spirit i have be the lighthouse for those that cannot make direction.
for i know being aimless very well.
may those who find me, hold me as i will do for them.
may our hearts be stoned no more.
may the love be enough even for when it may seem very little.
i know pain & i know love,
for in those i choose to be grateful for it all.