Dear Unsealed,

I wrote a little poem based on the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog. It reflects on our inherent nature and how it doesn’t necessarily dictate our fate. We all still have a choice, in the end.

SCORPION and the FROG

Let’s cross water together

I don’t want to cross alone

Like a dog without a bone

Or a bird in stormy weather

Climb upon my back

So we can take the journey

Cautiously and without hurry

Leaving ripples as our track

If you get the urge to sting

In the middle of the deep

Just put yourself to sleep

With the lullaby I sing

Sting me later if you must

I don’t mind the sacrifice

My heart will not turn to ice

Though your nature I don’t trust

Soon we’ll make it to the shore

Landing safely on dry ground

Where our nature can be found

In the way just as before

Do we part our separate ways

Or do we make the compromise

Not to live our separate lives

As our dark hairs turn to greys

And though love can turn to hate

If we don’t learn compromise

Pledge forgiveness in our eyes

So that nature’s not our fate

Dear Unsealers,

It’s the second day of December. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I had an extra reason to celebrate this weekend, as it was my sister & I’s 39th birthday yesterday. From all the well wishes, to afternoon tea at the Warren Street Hotel in Tribeca, it was an overwhelming day filled with joy.

With the birthday celebrations completed, it’s time to properly welcome in the month of December. Mother Nature signaled the change in month as it’s freezing cold here in NYC.

I can’t believe that we’ve reached the last month of 2024 already.
It’s time to close out the year on a high note.

Now, for the welcome to the month of December…

Welcome to December
It’s time for the last shout!

Thirty-one days left in 2024
The magic of the holidays arrives

Birthdays, Hanukkah, Christmas & New Year’s
Times celebrated in good company

Fall will become winter on the 21st
Daylight will slowly, surely return

A time to reflect on where we are
And where we want to be next year

There’s melancholy flipping the last page of the calendar
Wondering, “where did the time go?!”

Let’s make the most of these days
2025 is on the horizon

“We’re led by a force that we believe is outside of ourselves. Pulled to the most beautiful things, we subject ourselves to experience the most wretched—duality in and of itself. Each experience separate from the meaning we assign to it, unique to every one of us. And so, in the end, when all of my life is behind me, I will still never know yours—except in passing.”

Art, visual art, phography, AI creations
Are all being used to show support
For the massacres of a peoples
Whose homes destruct
Under the sieges
Of bombs,
Drones,
Death,
At,
At the
Hand of
Oppressors,
Colonizers, thieves,
Manipulators, power hungry
For what’s not theirs to have,
But their backing, support permits
Them what no other’s assent mobilizes.
Out of the ruins
An angel rises,
Soars freely,
Peacefully seeking
The innocent souls
Whose lives were
Violently stripped
Cries of injustice
Surge with each
Blast, that’s a death
Knell on family trees.
How do we explain
This terror to babes?
Whose losses are
Insurmountable in oscillation between extremes:
Trauma, loss, violence they’ve
Experienced sooo young.
Do we brush it off?
Do we succumb?
Do we survive?
Do we live
Happily?
Sadly?
No
No
No

There were 72,647,690 people who voted for a candidate that has worked to divide us. There were 67,961,962 who voted for change. Who despite the fear of the unknown chose to do their part and try and make change. It’s easy to focus on those that chose hate. I can’t believe that that many people in this country hate others so much. I am choosing to believe they are scared. They chose fear. Fear of things they don’t understand. They chose ignorance. They chose not to try to understand.

They chose something I don’t understand.

67,961,962 chose a minority female to be their leader. I’m going to choose to focus on that. There is 67,961,962 who tried to make a change. We don’t know if it would have been beneficial. We don’t know if it would have truly kept us safe and moving towards the future. That alone is scary. Change is scary. Sometimes even when the known is bad it’s easier to stay than to risk the change.

It’s why people stay in bad relationships. It’s why people keep relationships with friends and family members who’s morales don’t really align. The fear of what making a change might bring. What if it’s worse? What if the change is wrong? What if I end up alone?

As someone who has made a lot of change and has struggled through it. I think change is always good, even when it’s not. The thing about making changes is you can just keep doing it.

You need to separate your ego from your choices. It’s okay to admit you were wrong. It’s okay to say you can’t do something you thought you could or that it didn’t work out the way you thought it would. It’s okay to reevaluate and change over and over again.

I’d rather admit I was wrong and keep trying to figure out what is right over and over again then try and fool myself and everyone around me that it’s right.

There’s so much strength in quitting, in failing, in starting over. You learn. You change. You grow.

You can’t ever get back up if you don’t fall.

I left a really secure job in June trying to pursue working for myself. I wanted to have more control over my schedule, work less hours, have more time to focus on my health and other creative opportunities. I spent months planning and finally took the jump. Things were harder than I thought they would be and that’s partially because I started to doubt myself.

All the doubt that others had put in my head started to take over. I started to see everything from a scared mindset. I ended up going against my original boundaries and goals and made my life harder. My body reacted really poorly. I barely slept, could barely eat, threw up every morning. All of this made it even harder. I then felt a lot of shame. So much shame for failing. Felt stupid for changing and trying something.
I reached out for help. I relied on my community and I made a plan. I changed. I keep changing over and over again. I fall back and doubt. I go into bits of shame but I’m quicker at coming up from it. I’m quicker at accepting that change is good. Change is important. Change is part of life.

Nothing is permanent and you can always make a difference

So to the 67,961,962 who voted for change. Who weren’t afraid of our differences. Thank you. We’re not alone. We can still make change and we can stand together again.
To the 72,647,690 who didn’t please don’t be afraid to change your mind. If you don’t agree with the things that this presidency does don’t hold onto your ego. Reevaluate. Make change. Make our government work for us.

Personally, I have been having a lot of difficulty everywhere. It began Tuesday night. Words got really difficult to produce, I was in my bug eye lack of blinking face, my oral motor skills were worse than normal (I could not drink out of a cup without spilling all over myself). My head started to throb, I took my migraine medication and went to sleep very early. I woke up the next morning and was still experiencing migraine symptoms. I didn’t really understand why my attack just would not end.

I looked at the results of the election and felt nothing. I thought.

So there are three things that come with autism that I think have made this election especially difficult: Interoception difficulties, rejection sensitivity and, justice sensitivity.

Interoception is the ability to perceive and be aware of internal body sensations.

We use these to know what were feeling, what we need etc. I, like many autistics am not very good at identifying or labeling my emotions/feelings. Let’s be real I suck at this. I am 30 years old and only now realizing what signals my body sends me to tell me I’m hungry. I think partly because I have a hard time actually sensing the things from my body, partly because I take things very literally. My stomach doesn’t “rumble” when I get hungry like I thought it would, I get tired, it gets harder to speak, I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I often would think I was feeling anxious and/or tired and reach for a cup of coffee or try and identify why I was feeling anxious, inevitably making me feel more anxious. I’ve now realized this is how I sense hunger and try and eat something- it feels like magic. On my second reflection on this I am realizing that I am so unaware of my bodyily sensations that I don’t feel them until they are way more severe like the complete shut down I go into when I haven’t eaten. I don’t necessarily notice what my body feels like when its angry, scared, sad. I don’t always notice that my heart is racing, or that my breathing is quicker. Sometimes if I do I don’t necessarily know why and it may take hours or days for me to identify that those were due to a feeling of anger or scared.

Rejection sensitivity is intense emotional reactions to perceived or actual rejection or failure.

This is extremely common among autistics and then can also be associated with shame. I don’t want to feel completely devastated and like my entire world is ending when plans I was looking forward to get changed or canceled but I can’t help it. As an adult I can logically ration with myself but it doesn’t change the effect it has on my nervous system. Even the perceived thought of a plan being change I can literally feel throughout my entire body as if there is this sludge filling up inside of me. I now often know that my reaction may be larger than someone else and that can lead to a lot of shame. I didn’t think about the fact that if my candidate didn’t win I would feel rejected.

Justice sensitivity autisic/adhd persons tend to have a stronger sense of justice and morality and contrary to popular belief stronger empathy than others. I think this can partially be because of my black and white thinking I can have a hard time seeing things I think are 100% right from other peoples points of view. I also feel extremely deeply about those things. Things that may not necessarily directly effect me feel as if they’re happing to me.

So all of these things combined have lead to a really confusing few days. I didn’t even realize that the uncertainty of the election was weighing on me. Some of the stress triggered a (migraine) attack or maybe thats how I sense sadness/anger/fear? I spent the day feeling very unsettled and like I had a migraine attack. I tried to do everything I could to help how I was feeling. I journaled, I rested, I went for a walk, I did tai chi, I layed down, I made sure I was eating nutritious foods, maintaining hydration but, I couldn’t feel regulated. The last thing I knew to do was to be around safe people. So I went to my partners house; it was at that moment that everything hit me. I started sobbing; snot everywhere. We went for a walk and I was able to talk and as I started to talk about what I was thinking about I was able to label things… a little.

Now it is Thursday, I am still feeling it. I understand why I am feeling it and that it just will effect me more than a neurotypical person. So I am spending my time regulating my nervous system. I am giving myself grace. I am taking time to physically rest, nourish my body. I am using all of my comfort items, spending time only around safe people, connecting to people who make me feel good via phone, hugging my stuffed squirtle extra tight, listening to podcasts about my special interests, spending time sorting simple items, wearing clothing that I find comfortable, painting, dancing, writing. Reminding myself this won’t last forever. I will feel more regulated again and as the great Justin McElroy said “I’m gonna wake up and keep trying to and do good and no one gets to vote on that”.

The Fog

The sky was wet
No drops
You could still smell the fall of it all on the blades of green
I can still hear its naked skin running across the forest
The crackling of the branches sounded like his jaw clicking
I’d open my mouth, trying to mimic his steps
The fear convinced me of what was getting closer
The vicious fog man
Grandiosity in his carnivorous form
Go home.