to my body,
we’ve been together for my whole life
yet there is so much
i’m just starting to learn about you

remember that time our doctor
suggested that we get on birth control
because i couldn’t handle the pain
that you conjured
in that process where
you give me a monthly opportunity
to bring life into this world

i didn’t understand how hard you worked
and i numbed your remarkable pain
for the next half of my life

i didn’t want to feel you
…and i didn’t
but i also didn’t bleed every month
for fourteen years

i didn’t realize that i’d been
hurting you, to numb
the pain that you caused me
but what i did to you wasn’t healthy

it’s been almost two years
since that other gynecology appointment
we went to
when our new doctor told us
that we were making an uneducated decision
to get off birth control

i’m so glad we didn’t listen to her
i feel as though
i am just starting to understand you
and myself
in new ways since then

you took some time to bounce back
from what i did to you
but after seven months
you started up that process again

the pain and blood rushed back
and now you operate like clockwork
i’m learning how to ease the pain
with lifestyle changes
and tracking our cycle

turns out, i’m learning a lot about
my emotions
now that I’m communicating with you
on our endocrine system

thank you for coming back to me
after i had shut you out for so long
i feel as though
we are healing together

our dad sees it too
last time we saw him, he said
“you look like you put on some weight.”
he said, “you look healthy.”

our doctor doesn’t have us
do ‘weight check-ins’ anymore either
i’m finally willing to listen to you
to stop depriving you
of food, water, and love

those unpredictable and disorderly dots
you cover me in…do you remember
how badly i wanted to scratch them off
as a teenager because ‘everybody’ didn’t have them
and I was so insecure
about how we were different

now, when i look in the mirror
i appreciate the incalculable speckles
scattered across our skin
trickling down us from head to toe

sometimes, i can even hear
my late grandmother
telling us that we, “have the map of Ireland
on (our) face.”

if i had been more patient, i wonder if i
could have loved our natural nose
when i was sixteen, i thought that nose-job
would fix my issues i had with you
and while i love our new nose,
i can see how little
appreciation and adoration
i have given you in other ways

it’s almost like, once i accepted you
accepted the pain
accepted the differences we had from others
accepted the messages you tried to give me
i found your beauty
by discovering your beauty
i truly began to discover myself

gone are the days where I numbed
myself from you
when our ribs felt as though
they could poke through our skin,
when we did not bleed,
and matte make-up
turned our map of Ireland
into a treasure hunt

2023
it’s time to put the pen to paper
ashes to dust
pour your heart out
with a cup, that isn’t half full
because you
can change your surroundings
to be full
even when people try to bring you down

you will change your environment
with the energy inside you
and make life full
even when it pokes
at your very existence
to drain you
to deplete you
to hurt you
and it just might
hurt you

but it won’t be like the past
because you are different
the world may flip
open signs to closed
when you approach it
or force you to take detours
without doing anything constructive

but you will heal
you will love
and you will make this year
the best one yet

because you have welcomed death
inviting it to your home
invited it in your heart
to stop the pain
and suffering

you thought this
was a free country
that cruel and unusual
punishment would not exist
but i guess you
learn things the hard way

this year you will live
this year you will be free
not because the world
made it easy for you
my dear
but because you deserve it

you will heal your broken heart
you will be free
and feel like yourself
i love you
until death knocks on the door
not to do us part
but to continue being a part of
the universe in a new way
though it has been bittersweet
my dear
and you want more for yourself this year
you are already home.