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  • Smile

    Confusion and diligence coexisted inside
    of me during a time when everyone called
    growing pains “just a phase”.

    No one batted an eye or took a second look
    into what I tried to convey.

    It seemed as if all of the words I tried to say
    were muffled to ears attached to a body that
    was responsible for protecting mine.

    But I guess the chaos got so loud that even
    my guardian angel wasn’t capable enough
    to rescue me every time.

    That’s ok. Shrug it off. Pretend it never
    happened. You were dreaming.

    And if you dissociate enough, the memories will be washed away with all of the bleeding.

    Speak up but don’t talk too loud; some secrets
    are better left tucked underneath that
    beautiful smile overshadowing your grimace.

    Sit up and fix your hair. SMILE.
    Praise dance to keep in tact what we value –
    our image.

    Repent and confess your sins but not to anyone who cares enough to listen.

    Close your eyes real tight if you need to cry,
    don’t let anyone see the glisten.

    You’re almost there so don’t look back; the
    past is the past.

    I know that hurt and trauma didn’t just begin
    there but save some energy to make it to the
    next and the last.

    Later, you’ll get to stop, fall apart; restart
    and pause to ask yourself some questions:

    Like, if I don’t regret my decision, how can I ever make it into Heaven?

    Smile?

    Clarisse H.

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    • Clarisse – Another powerful, profound and well-written piece! You are so strong and your younger self is so proud of you for facing your pain and past and healing. You are empowered. And that IS a reason so smile. Thank you for being you! <3 Laure

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    • This is phenomenal; I’m so glad you chose to share it

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  • Fearfully Made

    Something straight from Song of Songs is what I feel for you.

    For me.

    Staring at my reflection, bare and soft and brown and fluid from each angle, I begin to understand where God was going when He created me.

    Safe inside my mother’s womb – the closes place to divinity, everything about me formed: fearfully and wonderfully.

    Hair that curls and grows from replenishment like the Earth’s rain.
    Jet black iris’s that speak my soul, pause time and provoke truth.
    Full lips and high cheek bones naturally inherited from an ebony king and mocha cream queen who had trouble realizing they were born royalty.
    Breasts that fed bronze flesh magnificently manifested from me.
    Limbs extended with grace and great strength at the same time.
    Silk smooth skin which tints to caramel in the Sun and cools in the wind.

    I am.

    Every part of me threaded together, piece by piece and so intricately; no other collection of matter or energy can match me identically.

    There is not a strand of hair on my head God hasn’t accounted for, perfecting the texture and pattern, marveling at the color and precisely measuring each length.

    Carefully placed each freckle upon my face and every beauty mark on my shoulder, hand and hip as if to connect galaxies inside my dermis far greater than the Big Dip.

    Filled with a specific flavor that quenches any thirst and erupts from combustion like chemistry.

    You should never feel free enough to tell me I ‘do not’ have favor, emit magic nor glow effortlessly; that is borderline blasphemy.

    The complexity of this puzzle screams ethereally and although I sin inside and outside of this body – daily and quite unethically, I still strive to be presented without fault, pristine and purely.

    I have admonished all of my idols, rejected the worship of anyone or anything the Creator molded as a mortal being but unfortunately, I am hoping it is excusable for me to at least be THIS obsessed with ME.

    Clarisse H.

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    • Clarisse, I looooooove this! And of course, it’s “excusable” to be obsessed with all that you are. Our society demonizes women with confidence simply so that can profit off our insecurities! Crazy as it sounds, it’s rebellious to love yourself. But also empowering and totally worth it. Keep taking the world by storm. You are magical in so many…read more

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  • Mavis, it has taken some time for me feel comfortable speaking and living out loud but I had to realize that in order for change to begin, the change has to start with me. I’m grateful to God for this gift of being able to touch and reach others with my words and if you are the one person I’ve reached, I thank God especially for you! Thank you!

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  • Mavis, your compliment to who am I as a human being is truly an honor to receive. My journey recognizes yours and to connect is beyond fate! Thank you so much!

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  • “Your journey will be someone else’s roadmap.” Wow. That just lit a fire in me that I cannot yet describe to its fullest extent but that just gave me a reminder that this life we live isn’t just for us; it is to inspire and touch those around us too. Thank you so so much 🙏🏽

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  • Don’t Double the Standard

    It is a shame that we shame a woman who feels what she feels between her legs when a man aware of his power is there because she was never afforded that comfort, first, in her father’s arms: so now she feels safe in a devil’s charm.

    A man willing to wear vulnerability on his sleeve and shed pent up tears of fury from years of violence and silent worry ‘because real men carry pain until they’re buried’ is ridiculed and mocked – until he breaks himself and then others due to the lack of a nurturing mother.

    Individuals trying to escape curses from both sides of toxic family ties are criticized and forced to wear masks of false valor and blinded eyes with no real place of safety to hide from those in which they do not wish to socialize.

    No congregation of normal; everything is swept under the rug and we must speak formal to not offend what society says is acceptable and necessary: when will we receive actual sanctuary and support outside of rapport and openly oppressive courts?

    Yin must submit to Yang versus balance from both energies.

    No respect for the source, power and love from the Omnipotent and Divine deity.

    We crumble and shatter at the slightest shift in favorable circumstances with no guidance into harmony or unity.

    The standard of synchronicity has been established on a shaky foundation and left us all broken; therefore we’re in the perfect position to change the narrative and even the playing field.

    Allow women, men and children to dream.
    Afford peace and liberty to all.

    Yes, divided we may fall but may we all be given a fair chance to live out loud and safe spaces to kneel when all we can do is crawl.

    Clarisse H.

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    • Wow. Your words speak so loudly. We are in the perfect position to change. We have no where to go buy up from here. Thank you so much for sharing.

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      • Mavis, it has taken some time for me feel comfortable speaking and living out loud but I had to realize that in order for change to begin, the change has to start with me. I’m grateful to God for this gift of being able to touch and reach others with my words and if you are the one person I’ve reached, I thank God especially for you! Thank you!

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    • Wow! Clarisse – This is incredibly powerful and so well written. It’s really thoughtful. There is so much truth in this piece. All of these patterns you reference can be broken, and it starts with strong and brilliant people like you. Thank you for writing this piece and thank you for sharing it with us. <3 Lauren

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  • Lauren, your kind and encouraging words are always very much appreciated. I’ve spent too much time shying away from the resilient and string parts of me simply due to exhaustion and fear that if I exhibited those traits, I’d keep attracting things and situations I’d have to be resilient and strong for. However, I now realize these characteristics are just parts of me that should be viewed as gifts that I can share with the world, starting with you all. Thank you so much for embracing me just as I am.

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    • Aww yes, it is so true. There is a quote I once saw and loved. I am not sure who said it but it says, “I want to inspire people. ‘I want someone to look at me and say, because of you. I didn’t give up.'”

      Your journey will be someone else’s roadmap. Be proud of all that you are. You are right, they are gifts. You are a wonderful and beautiful…read more

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      • “Your journey will be someone else’s roadmap.” Wow. That just lit a fire in me that I cannot yet describe to its fullest extent but that just gave me a reminder that this life we live isn’t just for us; it is to inspire and touch those around us too. Thank you so so much 🙏🏽

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  • ‘One day at a time’, is what I tell myself now. The road was not easy and I still bump my head from time to time but the wisdom I’ve gained from all of the hardships is undeniable. Thanks so much for seeing me.

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  • It’s Lighter Here

    Hey you,

    I know.

    You are seen.
    I see you.

    Your bloom is just around the corner so don’t lose your footing now. The load is much lighter here, after learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Elevation is right there. I see you spending days cuddled up in bed with God’s Word because you think the entire world doesn’t understand depth. Plus, speaking kindly to yourself just doesn’t feel natural. I see the mirrors decorating every wall just to reaffirm yourself: ‘I am well spoken and articulate’. From where I sit, Indian style and lifted of course, people do understand you when you speak; the depth, the substance. Our words penetrate souls and who is for you will align with you. And yes, it is ok to leave a little room for delusion in your life because reality is heavy and the truth is, everything seemingly holding you back is all an illusion anyway. Never mind the diagnosis and crises you believe could never get better.

    Time.

    All in God’s timing, for you know ‘His ways are not our ways; His thoughts are not our thoughts.’ Yet and still, you are there to give valuable and necessary think pieces. Here, you’ve finally made it to be remembered as a lighthouse; you store light, you pour light. You are a pathway to peace above all else. Your gift guides life directly to and from the Creator so don’t doubt yourself. For now, focus on being present in every task without strategizing the outcome.

    Breathe.

    Your feet have already been blessed in every step you take. The ground you walk on is sacred. You can rest.

    Rest.

    Send kudos to the soldiers in their bullet proof vests; ours became too heavy to suit up in every single day so on this new land, I decided to take it off and bury it. Now, I protect myself by going where I’m celebrated and resting where peace greets me; speaking in spaces where my language flows freely and is reciprocated with flowers while I’m breathing. You are doing everything we first learn to do alone on our own – alone, so yes, you will know what beauty feels like when you invite someone along. Our wildest discovery in healing was that the process becomes a little easier once you learn to hurt. Not avoid it. Not fight it. And it is ok to count your blessings but mourning the pain and the scars of the lessons holds real weight too. So smile, Angelface, through the highs and the lows.

    Trust.

    Keep your balance and embrace the moments of weakness too. For when you are weak, He can be strong for you.

    Be.

    You’re free. Survival mode taught you well but now softness is your robe. Adjust your crown and recognize your throne. Predestined for peace, is what you are – what you’ve been. The prayer hadn’t even existed on your lips until the plan to answer it said ‘begin”.

    Sow.

    Accept with worthiness what you deserve to reap, through and through. Most of all, don’t forget to remember what God says is true about You.

    I’ll wait for you.

    Love,
    The Future You

    Clarisse H.

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    • Clarisse – I love this! You already know how amazing you are. I don’t even have to tell you, but I will anyway. You are AMAZING. I love love love this part: “Now, I protect myself by going where I’m celebrated and resting where peace greets me; speaking in spaces where my language flows freely and is reciprocated with flowers while I’m bre…read more

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      • Lauren, your kind and encouraging words are always very much appreciated. I’ve spent too much time shying away from the resilient and string parts of me simply due to exhaustion and fear that if I exhibited those traits, I’d keep attracting things and situations I’d have to be resilient and strong for. However, I now realize these chara…read more

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        • Aww yes, it is so true. There is a quote I once saw and loved. I am not sure who said it but it says, “I want to inspire people. ‘I want someone to look at me and say, because of you. I didn’t give up.'”

          Your journey will be someone else’s roadmap. Be proud of all that you are. You are right, they are gifts. You are a wonderful and beautiful…read more

          Write me back 

          Subscribe  or  log in to reply

          • “Your journey will be someone else’s roadmap.” Wow. That just lit a fire in me that I cannot yet describe to its fullest extent but that just gave me a reminder that this life we live isn’t just for us; it is to inspire and touch those around us too. Thank you so so much 🙏🏽

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    • Wow. You are an amazing person. This is such an inspiration. You already know who you are. Thank you for sharing your story. Your journey in someone else roadmap. <3

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      • Mavis, your compliment to who am I as a human being is truly an honor to receive. My journey recognizes yours and to connect is beyond fate! Thank you so much!

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    • What a touching and beautiful letter. It’s an honor to read this! You are inspiring and powerful, it really shines through in your written words! Cheering you on and I voted for you as well! 🙌

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    • Clarisse, this was beautiful. There was a depth and lyrical-ness in your letter that was very moving. I loved so many thoughts and it resonated deeply with my own experiences and feelings.

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    • Your words are so beautiful and encouraging and I’m sure that when the future you reads this they will be filled with comfort. Your imagery is very powerful. Thank you for sharing

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  • I truly appreciate your kind words. To finally feel seen/heard has done wonders for my confidence and I am extremely grateful for you and the community you’ve structured to be a safe space for anyone who can relate to what life’s battles does to a person. Thank you.

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  • Every Bleeding Wound Made Me Strong

    I knew I was strong when I could drown the sound of violence with books and imagery, academics and poetry; reach beyond the ceiling that echoed misery and graduate Summa Cum Laude.

    Strength was me seeing two lines and dissociating immediately to give a life that never even got to lock eyes with me the chance to escape the futile ride that surely waited on the other side.

    My real test of strength came when I told myself ‘I was afraid, but this time I’ll do it scared’ and allowed a genius to grow inside of me and teach me, simply, how to hug. Between the push and pull of ownership versus individuality, I’ve been strong enough to let him just BE.

    On those days violence got personal and public, a war waged against just me: I had to hide every scar that scraped my skin and pierced my soul to stand in the face of authority who had the power to destroy me because the lies, status and money were felt deeper than my hidden cries. I don’t think I’ll ever let that one go. Because I still have to stare into the face of the one who vengefully and vehemently toiled and plotted to see me disintegrate, willfully hoping to separate a bond he knew he could never break anyway.

    Yeah, I’ll never let that go.

    But I’m still strong.

    I’m strong because my body is filled with thunder and lightening and the remedies I take each day will never change the season, only get me to my last one. So some days I just lie in bed and watch the clock and focus on my breaths; then others, I live like it’s the last time I’ll ever take one.

    Yeah, I think that’s strong because that’s my balance and it works for me. Through insomnia and sleep paralysis, some nightmares and some true; I sit and wish the sky wasn’t blue, but black because that’s the color of the skin that towered over me whenever I needed relief, or slack, or just someone to have my back.

    That was my greatest protector. And even he decided to give up and stop breathing in front of me while the one who birthed and nurtured me can’t even get me to answer the phone unless she’s ready to do the same.

    That’s my truth and I can no longer hide behind the guilt, sin or shame.

    I am strong because chaos is carried through my last name but I still sit – daily, and coddle my own heart from the pain.

    Clarisse Hayes

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    • Clarisse, I am so sorry for some of the terrible things you’ve had to endure, but it sounds like – because of your very own strength – you are beginning to live the life you deserve. It is absolutely incredible that you graduated summa cum laude. That takes so much strength, determination and intelligence and it sounds like you have it all. Your…read more

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      • I truly appreciate your kind words. To finally feel seen/heard has done wonders for my confidence and I am extremely grateful for you and the community you’ve structured to be a safe space for anyone who can relate to what life’s battles does to a person. Thank you.

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    • Clarisse, it takes a lot of strength to go through so many things that affected you physically and mentally and be able to drown it out. A lot of people wouldn’t take it the same way and they would probably would have given up on life itself. I’m glad that you were able to have so much strength where you were able to make it out of that hor…read more

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      • ‘One day at a time’, is what I tell myself now. The road was not easy and I still bump my head from time to time but the wisdom I’ve gained from all of the hardships is undeniable. Thanks so much for seeing me.

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