I have learning disabilities, it’s not one that can be spotted by looking closely at the features of my face. And because it remains hidden I fear that sometimes I am misunderstood because of it.

When I share that I have a learning disability I fear that people see me through a different lens than they previously did.

I’ve had family members who have known about my learning disabilities tell me they didn’t know I was smart enough to make it on the honor roll even though I made honors every single semester of high school.

When I tell people I have a learning disability it’s as if they expect me to then cause a disturbance and act out. But I sit there quietly absorbing everything.

When I tell people that I have learning disabilities they immediately start putting limits as to my abilities and what I can and can’t achieve. So it’s easier to say nothing and silently prove them wrong.

When I tell people that I have learning disabilities people tend to assume that my IEP and accommodations exempted me from hard work. I HATE when people assume that. I worked twice as hard as to learn the topics. And even though my accommodations lessened the amount of math problems I had to solve I would sometimes end up doing more than what I was assigned so that I could make sure I mastered the concept.

When I struggle with learning or doing a task because of my learning disabilities people get frustrated with me and tell me that this should be easy. But in actuality my brain works differently and I may need to see it done a couple of times or have it explained in a different way in order to understand.

When I tell people I have learning disabilities they tend to cheapen my achievements as if I weaseled my way through a Master’s program and was handed a degree instead of earning it myself. In reality though I worked countless hours to make my way through grad school and to end up where I am today.

I had a boss who upon finding out about my learning disabilities made some distasteful and unprofessional comments about them as if I were bad and defective and not fit to serve in ministry. Oh the irony that this was after we had done a whole Inclusion Initiative geared towards people with disabilities. She barred me from helping with it.

When I tell people that I have learning disabilities they often tend to question or doubt my capacity for leadership. But I can still lead and I lead with a greater empathy and understanding because I know what it’s like to struggle.

I wish when I tell people I have learning disabilities they would see me for who I truly am…..

An intelligent
Inquisitive
Attentive
Hardworking
Tenacious
Creative
Problem solving
Professional
Empathetic
Leader

Who demands and deserves respect
And who can do whatever she puts her mind to.

What are my goals for 2025?

To dig my toes into the sandswept shores of the Pacific Ocean

To feel gentle waves breaking and the cool water against my sun-tanned skin

To see sunsets with colors that can only be matched in Heaven.

To sip Cabernet in a Californian vineyard while a sommelier teaches me and my sisters about the wine we are drinking and how it was made.

To see the Golden Gate Bridge in all it’s grandeur

To explore underground caves taking in the beauty of stalactites and stalagmites

To watch seals as they lazily sunbathe as the waves crash around them

To take in the sights, sounds, colors, and culture of California.

To be carefree and in the present moment with the ones I love.

To snuggle up so close to them that I can hear each beat of their heart

To soak in every moment

To travel

To achieve these results will take sacrifice

It will require saying some “no’s,” so I can ultimately say “yes” to time with my family

Will take a re-evaluating of my spending habits

Will require learning to distinguish a “want” from a “need”

Will teach me different ways to save.

This year my goal is to be financially responsible so that I can spend the thing that is most precious

Time with my family and those I love.

Dear Reader,

I want to warn you before diving deep into this letter that I’ve experienced a lot of loss in the last 10 or so years. As I was pondering who I should write about I concluded that I could not choose just one person.  To choose one person would be to act as if the others did not exist, nor matter to me. Each of these people mattered and each of these people has deeply impacted my life and has contributed a piece to the mosaic that continues to become me.  So instead of honoring one person I choose to honor each person and to impart the lessons about love that they each taught me. 

Dear Loved Ones,

To my matante Elaine.  Your departure from this Earth was swift, sudden, and shocking.  The winter snow was in the process of melting as my thoughts dissolved and I erupted into a puddle of tears when I heard the news.  In those early days of grief, I didn’t know how I was going to live without you.  You showed me a love that was kind in a world that often was not.  Your eyes and your smile communicated warmth, love, and light.  You sheltered and protected me amid the storms in my life. Your heart and your home were my safe space. You made everyone you encountered feel seen, known, and loved even when you didn’t always feel it yourself.  To this day I strive to see, know, and love people with the kind and gentle love that you did.

To my Memere Gonneville.  Your passing came all too quickly. Because you had Alzheimer’s I had expected we would have to die other smaller deaths before we lost you completely.  But you remained healthy until one day you weren’t.  From you, I learned that love delights in the other.  In your younger years, you delighted in seeing us smile as you insisted that my sisters and I choose a toy from the dollar store, or as we played at a park, or as we experienced new things. Our joys were your joys and our sorrows were your sorrows.  That’s one thing I know I got from you.  Your last coherent words to me were “I love you.”  I hope when my time comes my last words will be “I love you.”

To my Memere and Pepere Hebert.  Much of my life was spent in your home sitting at your kitchen table watching and learning from you.  You gave me an example of a healthy, faith-filled marriage.  It was clear to me that you two loved each other deeply.  You died months apart from each other.  You taught me that love is generous with time, talent, and treasure.  Memere you transported many people to their medical appointments in your spare time.  When we visited you almost always retreated to the basement and returned with something to give one of your many grandchildren.  Pepere you were my rock, but also my teddy bear; strong yet soft.  My favorite moments with you were sitting on the swing watching the cars go by because in those moments you were fully present to me. You taught me to persevere.  That is a lesson I will always carry with me.  In the end, you taught me that love doesn’t end even when life does.

To my aunt Jackie. I loved spending days on the lake and at the camp with you. You loved the Blessed Mother so much and recited the rosary every day. You taught me that love is faithful even in times of suffering.  Your killer was cancer that metastasized, you endured great suffering but still, you were devoted to the Blessed Mother finding comfort and consolation in her motherly care. I strive to love the Blessed Mother as ardently as you and to pray for the hour of my death as much as you did. 

To my cousin Briar Rose, who passed away at 5 months old.  You taught me one doesn’t need to live years to live a meaningful life and to experience love.  I held you and visited you in the hospital and instantly I fell in love with you.  Though you didn’t live very long after your diagnosis you had a profound impact on our community as they banded together to support our family during that difficult time.    

Because you all mattered I still grieve.   
But it is also because I lost you…..
Because I know time is not guaranteed, but rather is a precious gift,  
That I savor each moment I have with those I love dearly. 
Thank you for being a part of my life and my story.

Atop a hill that bears my family’s name
Overlooking the special little town to which our ancestors came.
I sit and swing as the sky gets painted with brilliant strokes of red, orange, and gold.
As I bask in the stillness and silence of nature I am consoled
As I think how this place has been the venue of many a family gathering
I hear the sound of my relatives laughing and chattering
I hear the bells ringing from the Church where I attend Mass
I see my little cousins running and frolicking in the grass
I smell the scent and hear the sizzle of red hot dogs cooking on the grill.
A Northern Maine delicacy that is sure to give your tastebuds a thrill
I taste fresh cucumbers that were grown from the ground
And my mom’s Chinese macaroni salad; the best one around
I feel the wind in my hair as I continue to swing
As I watch two feathers fall from a bird’s wing—
A sign that the matriarch and patriarch of our family are near. 
In this place all is peace—there is an absence of fear. 
This is my safe place, my sanctuary, a humble abode
But for me, it is more than that with the memories that it holds
It is the place where my ancestors landed
It is where business and brothers banded
For that one day it is where family gathered.
Even though the other three-hundred-sixty-four we are greatly scattered.
 As I look at the stars in the sky as they continue to glow
I breathe a sigh of relief and know that I am HOME. 

Dear Me,

Self-love has been a journey of a million miles after being torn down time and time again, insulted, hurt emotionally and physically. Self-love is difficult when you’re used to being lied to so much that your mind suddenly becomes your biggest bully. As I wrote in my poem about bullying that’s entitled Target “[when] the weight of the impact hits you repeatedly you learn how to fall apart without learning how to put yourself back together.” Self-love, that’s the chapter I’m on right now. I’ve read the words of Scripture that say “love your neighbor as yourself (Mk. 12:31)” and prayed for the courage to love myself as deeply as I love others. I’ve sat in the Confessional where a priest in persona Christi (in the person of Christ) pinpointed that I don’t love myself well. I’ve made many a visit to my therapists office with a self-love workbook in tow hoping that learning about it will help me to live it. It’s not perfect but I am learning.

I love how I’ve been unlearning the things I’ve learned from those who were trying to steal my light.

I love how despite the setbacks and difficulties you keep trying to put yourself together after you fall apart.

I love how you will say yes to anyone who asks you to dance because you want everyone to feel what it’s like to be accepted.

I love how you are everyone’s cheerleader. You believe so ardently in the beauty of other people’s dreams.

I love how excited you get when you get good news—you can hardly contain it and you just have to share with someone.

I love how you refuse to let apathy consume you but how you feel deeply and unapologetically.

I love how you speak from the heart.

I love how you valiantly stand up for the things you believe in even if no one is following you.

I love your tenacious spirit, your determination, and grit.

I love your ambition and drive to accomplish wonderful and beautiful things.

I love how you have a mother’s heart even though you have no children of your own.

I love that you want to heal the whole world with love.

But most of all if there is anything I love about you it’s this.

That even though the world has been so unkind to you, you choose to keep your heart soft and to be so kind to everyone you encounter.

Darling there is so much to love about you.

And I know that sometimes you forget that sometimes so I wrote this letter to you so when you’re down or discouraged and can’t remember any reason to love yourself you’ll have these 13 reasons to choose self-love.

Sincerely,

I have to say that 2023 has been pretty kind to me. It’s been a good year and I’ve embarked on adventures that I never would’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. That being said it was difficult to choose my favorite moment of the year, however one rises above all the others.

Picture this….

It was my birthday. The July heat warmed my face as I woke to the sound of kids playing at a nearby park in the suburbs of Chicago. I was a long way from my home in Maine but it didn’t feel that way because my other half—my better half—my twin sister was sleeping in the room next door. I woke with gratitude for another day, for a new year of life beginning, for the life of my sister (who is my best friend), for the chance to do life together and much more. I say a quick prayer thanking God for these blessings as I soak up the rays of sun shining through the window and wait for my sleepy sister to wake up.

Our first adventure of the day was to get to Starbucks to get our free birthday beverage. As she sipped on her iced caramel macchiato and I sipped on my honey flat white we walked to a nearby nail salon to get pedicures all the while chatting about our hopes, dreams and goals for the next year.

When we reach the nail salon we settle in for some rest and relaxation. I choose a lighter purple color and my sister chose a pale blue color. The shades of nail polish we chose are total opposites, yet complement each other quite well just like my sister and I do. I look over to her as she’s getting her nails done and see her smiling and I smile too knowing that she is happy.

With our tummies rumbling we head over to P-Quads, a deep dish pizza restaurant that both my sister and my dad raved about. As we walked in the heavenly smell of pizza cooking wafted its way to my nose. We ordered a pepperoni deep dish pizza and devoured several slices of pizza before tapping out.

We headed back to my sister’s apartment and got ready for the main reason I was in Chicago (besides seeing my sister) to see Ed Sheeran perform in Solider Field. The previous Christmas my sister had gotten me tickets to the concert. I had waited for this for half a year and now it was here. The anticipation and excitement grew as I got ready.

Before leaving for the concert my sister and I blew out our candles had a few bites of our cheesecakes that we had ordered from the Cheesecake Factory a few days before. Each bite was creamy, delicious and super rich.

Finally we left for the concert. We arrived at Soldier Field and walked up to the humungous stadium. Khalid came out and the excitement was palpable. With enthusiasm and energy he worked the whole crowd. With the excitement at its peak Ed Sheeran came bounding onstage. I could not believe I was actually there, I have been a fan of his for a long time and here he was in the same vicinity as me. You could say I was a little star struck, even though Ed is such a humble guy. More than that a feeling of deep wonder and gratitude filled my being. How this birthday was so different than the last birthday I’d had where I’d spent the day alone, grieving the loss of my grandparents, wondering if I was seen or known. Ed sang his little heart out and the crowd shared moments of joy, laughter, tears as we sang along to his songs. As the concert was about to end Ed instructed us to take out our phone and use our flashlight on our phone and as he sang we waved our phones in the air as we took in the lyrics, the melody, the moment.

I have to admit that 2023 has been kind to me and that there have been many good moments this year, but this one tops them all. It was a perfect day spent with one of my favorite people, treating ourselves, eating good food, and watching one of my favorite pop artists sending lyrics which encapsulate both the beauty and messiness of life into the humid night air. I felt at peace. I felt seen and known in the moment. I could not help but smile from ear to ear and soak in each moment. And even now the memory washes over me and fills me with a wonder and gratitude that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.