Dear little Kim,

If you only knew then, what I know now, you would have…

rested- MORE & worried- less
played- MORE & strove- less
laughed- MORE & cried- less
slept- MORE & tossed- less
received- MORE & pleased- less
accepted- MORE & controlled- less
stood- MORE & clung- less
celebrated- MORE & criticized- less
believed- MORE & doubted- less

but you couldn’t know then, what I know now; you could only MORE & less… survive

Love,

Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.

You don’t know me yet but you and I are very close. You think you know it all and that you have life figured out……. And I hate to burst your bubble but you really don’t. Like at all. But You have a good head on your shoulders though. I just need you to trust yourself more. I know you’re probably thinking what the hell do I know about you but truth is: I am You but grown up. There are so many things I wish you knew. But everything still works out. The main thing I want you to know or take away from this letter is to trust your power and stop letting the words and opinions of others (no matter how important they may seem to you) define or change who you are.

You’re a big dreamer with a big heart. You are more than what you think of yourself. You are not an unlovable failure who is an idiot. Please speak better to yourself! Just because no one says it often doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Be secure in your authentic self. I know the pain you hide behind every smile and the genuine self hate you have with every joke you make
about yourself. Your jokes aren’t even funny they’re actually sad because why would you say those things about yourself?

You call yourself all the wrong names and you answer to all the wrong names. To be honest you don’t even like being called Leah unless you’re blood related to someone when you’re older. You don’t need the approval you keep seeking from people. You are already valid. Yes, I know it would be nice to have someone validate you with kind words and gestures but hey play the cards you are dealt.

Girl , I wish you understood and knew your strength. Like girl you are resilient as fuck.
A true gem. The darkness you hold inside of you now; we learn to control. Even though it pains you don’t regret the heart you have. It comes in handy. Stop hating yourself please. So many blessings are being blocked for me because of the words you’ve sown. Yes we were ignorant but words have a lot of power.

Also, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Stop cutting yourself. Depression cannot keep winning. Life is so much more beautiful than you can imagine. You are not worthless and you deserve to live just as much as anyone else. I know you feel numb most days or you have to put on a mask but it’s nothing to kill your self over. You actually survive worse mental places in life. But I get it though. You just trying to feel and because you’re used to emotional pain; you inflicted physical pain.
I know you feel like I’m attacking you but you need to hear this. You’re not the victim you think you are. You are the conqueror. Everything that has ever happened to you is my villain origin story. I mean that in a good way. We learn to set boundaries in our late 20s and become villains to the people who tried to break us.

I just really wish you loved yourself enough as a teenager to see how truly great you are. Like girl you are the bees knees. Not the red thing around the bologna. Love yourself first so the world and people won’t chew you up and spit you out or simply toss you to the side. You are beautiful, intelligent and loved. It’s crazy how you pour love into to everyone else but you.

Seriously you are constantly calling yourself ugly and avoiding the mirror. You hate your body and it’s fine. You’re not the ugly duckling you were just born a swan. Your intelligence and body what makes you. It’s your heart. All the trauma you have suffered so far is not in vain. I just need you to love yourself through that pain. Like we end up becoming a mother. You literally have a daughter who adores you and is twice as stubborn as you are. We have to love ourself because she is a sponge and she soaks up everything we teach her whether it’s intentional or unintentional. I need you to love yourself because we struggle as an adult. And having a kid didn’t make it easier but it’s motivation. She needs to see a confident woman who loves herself and understands her value and you are her first teacher.

So love yourself kid because I love you! I’m proud of you and you actually don’t do to bad in life because you learn the importance of perspective. Plus nobody really warned or prepared us for how expensive being an adult is but we are managing. So if you see our kindergarten self tell her that she should have saved all those dollars we spent when we were her age.

As you can see our humor will always be intact. Lol

I love you Leah or shall I say Dee. That’s who we like to be called and we add pretty in front for a little razzle dazzle.

I LOVE YOU !! And I appreciate all that you are.

Confusion and diligence coexisted inside
of me during a time when everyone called
growing pains “just a phase”.

No one batted an eye or took a second look
into what I tried to convey.

It seemed as if all of the words I tried to say
were muffled to ears attached to a body that
was responsible for protecting mine.

But I guess the chaos got so loud that even
my guardian angel wasn’t capable enough
to rescue me every time.

That’s ok. Shrug it off. Pretend it never
happened. You were dreaming.

And if you dissociate enough, the memories will be washed away with all of the bleeding.

Speak up but don’t talk too loud; some secrets
are better left tucked underneath that
beautiful smile overshadowing your grimace.

Sit up and fix your hair. SMILE.
Praise dance to keep in tact what we value –
our image.

Repent and confess your sins but not to anyone who cares enough to listen.

Close your eyes real tight if you need to cry,
don’t let anyone see the glisten.

You’re almost there so don’t look back; the
past is the past.

I know that hurt and trauma didn’t just begin
there but save some energy to make it to the
next and the last.

Later, you’ll get to stop, fall apart; restart
and pause to ask yourself some questions:

Like, if I don’t regret my decision, how can I ever make it into Heaven?

Smile?

To whom Gie may concern,
You were always enough. And forever be enough.
Throughout the teenage phase, at times when life played rough, you tried hard navigating the highs and lows and subtracting the good vs bad ratios that played heavy in math class while you nervously snuck a taste of hot Cheetos.
Hot cheetos, you always somehow mustered up enough loose change to afford those. Ala cart options at lunch made you feel cool. A luxury you felt other kids established at school so that their status of school wealth proclaimed the school fame of popularity.
So dazzled, dripped in hot Cheetos and chicken tenders to accompany fresh hair styles, clean clothes and cool kicks.
With careful planning and an allowance advantage you could manage it. Right?…
The clothes.
They didn’t fit you like you imagined. You would survey the mannequin before leaving the store to make sure that the body alignments were matching. You didn’t want to look too frail and then the fabric I mean You, you wouldn’t want to look too tragic. You wanted to be cool so the clothes must match …You plastered those smiles for miles even when the clothes leaps piles around your bedroom.
Bedroom. 16 was too young for sex, 17 too. You barely knew love you just knew what nurturing could do. No pre talks prepped you for the first time nor the last. Take your time and nurture your mind first.
You believe in magic. Santa is real, the tooth fairy has upped their tooth cash on value this time their paying good bucks and the money’s real. The Easter bunny always notifies his friends and St.Patrick is a lucky fella well after the parade ends .
At 17 it’s okay to still have hula hoop dreams and Guess jeans.

Peace & Gratitude

Dear younger self,

I wasn’t so fond of you in your teenage years. In fact, I rather not recall the million and one traumas. It was a tough space for a long time. Years of disappointment, loss, and instability. So, if it’s alright with you I rather take a slightly different approach. As I prepared to write this letter to you, I decided I wanted to reintroduce you to some of the people who played a big part of your life. These people were there to watch you fail, achieve, learn, make mistakes, lose, win, transition and evolve. I have learned that seeing ourselves from the perspective of the ones closest to us can be so refreshing. And teenage self, after all you’ve been through, you could surely use some tender love and care.

Your dad was and has always been there for you…even when you were a rebellious child. A child who constantly fought the overprotecting love of a father. He loved you especially in these moments. You made him proud then and you always will. He describes you as intelligent and when he speaks of your many accomplishments and achievements, he does it with an enormous amount of joy in his heart. The oldest and the only daughter, no wonder he held onto you so tight. Especially being a teenage father himself, he only wanted what was best for you even if he didn’t always know how to express it in a way that didn’t require you keeping him “out.’” But no matter how hard you tried to shelter your emotions, he knew the places that cost you the most hurt and disappointment during this crucial time of your upbringing. Again, he wants you to know that he is sorry for never giving you the opportunity to say goodbye to your grandmother when she passed. Dad saw the wall you built around your heart after losing her. Never having your mother, the way you needed her only contributed to the bricks you built so high around your heart. He saw it and so did everyone around you. You struggled to trust, and you were always afraid to lose. I guess that’s where your anxious attachment came in (by the way we still need to work on that.)

Fast forward as you approach your thirties, dad wants you to know that he is still so very proud of you! In his eyes you are an overcomer, strong, and courageous. He admires the mother in you, and the girl that is after the Lord’s heart. Lastly, he wanted me to remind you that no matter where life takes the two of you, you will always be his little girl.

Your aunt, who stepped in to raise you at the most heartbreaking time of your life, wants you to know how much you are loved. Helping put your heart back together after the loss of your grandmother was not easy but she wouldn’t change it for the world. She describes you as ambitious and is proud of the many ways you excelled in school. Growing up she saw every side including the moody, distraught child whose thoughts and trauma consumed her. But she loved you through all of it. Even in your silence, her connection to you interprets the hurt. Remember, she has and will always be there.

Since 12 years old you and her have been inseparable. Regardless of the distance your friendship has never wavered. She has played such an important role in your life. She has seen you at every stage and has truly been your unpaid therapist. I am sure you can’t imagine what life would have been without her love, sisterhood, and support. And to no surprise out of everyone she had the most to say. Even though you always describe yourself as the “needy friend”, she sees you as a constant in her life, one who has never wavered. She understood you then and remains part of the very few who understands you now. From adolescents she saw how much you struggled with the dynamics of your family. In your hurt, she shared your feelings of being overlooked and invalidated. From the attitude to the uncontrollable emotions, she was able to navigate through all of it and she always will. Through her eyes you are a true and loyal friend. You are determined (and persistent). She admires that no matter how broken you have been, you always find the courage to pick yourself back up. And yes, there were times that she wished she could shield you from causing yourself unnecessary hurt by giving you a little bit of her strength. If there is something she wants, you to know and never forget it’s your worth and how amazing you are.

I know the road to get here wasn’t easy. Looking back, I know it was one of the hardest years of your life. One filled with heartache, loss, and trauma. All I ask is that when you look back at your younger self, embrace the good. On the days when you don’t think you were enough, loved, or lost, cling on to these memories. Rest in knowing that in the eyes of the people who mean the most to you, you are nothing short of amazing. You are loved and admired. You are strong, courageous, and an overcomer. You were that then and you are that now.

Dear Teen Me,
Hey! Look at you, so young, timid, unsure… don’t worry, it doesn’t last forever. You will age, and through your next few years you will fall and get up. And again, you will fall and get up; some of the times you get back up it will be thanks to your friends… tell them you love them more. You don’t understand it now, but you truly love your friends.

As you age your timidity will alleviate. But boy will that take some time. You’re going to have to strip away at your understanding of… everything. You’re going to experience just about everything you’ve dreamt about, worried about, and wondered about; it’s not how you think it will be. Your heart is going to get so broken, more than it already has been. More than you can imagine right now. I’d say prepare for it, but there is no preparing for some of the pain you’re going to experience. But you know what… you always get back up.

You may be a little unsure, but you’re resilient. And that resilience is what will make you thrive. Those people calling you a dreamer only helped strengthen your ground. You’re getting out of that small town, you hear me? It’ll take longer than expected but you do it. And that’s when you blossom!

The idea of leaving the country for a big city? Done. The wish to learn how to help people by studying them? On it. The need to inject yourself into social justice? Doing it, finally! Your hope to be recognized for your art? Working on it. Something to call your own. Check! The hope that you can push past your insecurities… ehhhhh. You’re getting there; there’s a lot of layers to that. But the things you’ve been doing, the people you’ve been meeting, the words you’ve shared… it all adds to that process. You’re pushing yourself and it really is paying off. What did Dr.Schmitt say? Sometimes you got to fake it till you make it.

Things look small right now, you only have so much perspective. But you and I both know, you’re not small. You don’t do small… you can appreciate small, but you weren’t made for it. There are people in your ear, important people to you, telling you it’s too much. Making a joke of your ambitions and that is pushing you down; just as it’s meant to. You hear them say you’re not good enough, then those words turn into self-doubt. Don’t let people do that to you. That’s SO unfair, you yearn to learn. But once you’re told you’re not good enough to learn that, or fast enough, or smart enough: that’s when that doubt externalizes and it’s only doing you (and the world) a disservice. You’ve got a lot of potential, your heart is in the right place, don’t let your timidity and their negativity affect your progress. You’ll figure this out when it’s almost too late, but lucky for you, it’s never too late!

Right now, you’re worried; worried that at 30 you will not have lived a life. Let me tell you right now, you’ve lived more than a life. You’ve lived an adventure… one for the books! And we’re only halfway through. We’ve only covered the personal stuff: first loves ending, guardians dying, young love perishing in front of you… literally. So much of what you will experience will hurt, but it’s a good thing you’re resilient.

Remember: that resilience will help you thrive. It will push you to take all those leaps that you held back on. It will force you to look at your boundaries and make some important edits. And by doing this you will live out those daydreams. The protests we’ve participated in, things we’ll learn, connections we create. It’s all adding up to the very life people told you was impossible to lead.

Listen, at 30 you’re not exactly where you think you’re going to be. But guess what, most people aren’t! And what’s even better, you’re taking the right steps. You’re BASICALLY where you thought we’d be. Hell, there was a point we didn’t even think we’d be alive right now. So no, you’re not exactly living the dream… but you are learning how to live it. We’re on the way and it’s intimidating. Just hang in there, you’re halfway through then you’ll see what I mean.

I hope this letter reaches the right me in the right place at the right time… in case there is another that needs to hear this. You’re doing great.

With love and hope,
You

Dear Me—the Teenage Version of Me:

I’m going to say something that another person filled with regret would never say and it’s this: you did nothing wrong. In fact, I wouldn’t change a thing about the decisions you made, even knowing the outcome years later. You weren’t troubled. You weren’t misled or misheard. You weren’t overly emotional. You were just trying to understand how society handled you and that is not a fault.

Sure, little things didn’t have to happen, like that time you chalked “fuck you” on the neighbor’s driveway when she flipped you off. I still think that moment was integral to the life I’m leading today. I’m scared that any little change to any tiny decision would produce a domino effect of different results that would place my twenty-seven-year-old self in a completely different realm of possibility. Like a multiversal branching of probabilities could have opened up because I decided to let that neighbor’s crude finger go; to never retaliate with imprudent, childish glee. And while I had to deal with a very scary financial drought in sudden unemployment for the entirety of this summer, I still think I have become the best person I possibly could be if it came down singularly to my teenage decisions.

Don’t change. Don’t second-guess yourself. I would never step into a time machine if the parameters were to stop an embarrassment that haunts me for the rest of my life because it’s that embarrassment that taught me to never trust a tampon again.

And when Mom and Dad clued you in to a shocking romantic secret, you handled it better than anyone else I can presently think of. I wouldn’t ever want that to change. It’s your ability to redirect emotional energy into significant priorities that stopped you from unnecessary heartache and your flexibility with giving grace that helped you see the good in everything that happened. If you had to be told one thing by the future product of your experiences, it’s that your open mind inevitably saved your life.

You’ll first meet these new people who introduce themselves to you as family friends, like a new Aunt and Uncle. They’ll bring novelty sandwich shop bread for French toast mornings and Easter basket traditions. Your first decision is to trust them and to let fun into your life. Why not? It was a good decision.

When you’re asleep downstairs in your loft bed, head close to the short ceilings and tucked in for strange pre-teen dreams, you might hear a strange noise in the bedroom above you, but you’ll think it’s the floorboards and you’ll comment in the morning to your mother about the weird noise you heard. She’ll hum that it was pretty weird and you’ll accept it and move on. I don’t fault you for that.

We’ll move to a new house, later to discover that Aunt and Uncle helped Mom and Dad pay for this move, and more family games and dinners will be made with them, but Mom and Dad will also be gone a lot more. You’ll be babysitting for many nights, naively proud of your parent’s budding social lives, but feeling trapped with your four younger brothers. It’s okay to feel this way. I think it made you more patient.

One day, though, you’ll find a letter in the pile of paper junk on the computer desk when you’re “sick” and writing stories in the middle of a school day. You’ll notice it’s signed by Dad, and that the words, “I’m falling in love with you” is addressed to Aunt. You’ll feel your stomach slam into the floor of your pelvis and you’ll choke back empathetic heartache for Mom and her unfaithful husband. You’ll pull Mom aside the minute she’s home from work and you’ll sob about what you discovered and she’ll comfort you and tell you that you’ve got it all wrong. It’s okay that you were scared for her, but more importantly, scared for yourself and for your brothers. You were scared for the sanctity of our family unit, and it’s okay that for a brief moment, you were scared of Aunt and Uncle. It means you cared.

Mom will say, “I’m in love with Uncle, too. Come, we have to have a family talk, you, me, and Dad.” She’ll open your mind to a new way of living, to a new reality you have to confront called Polyamory. You’ll start to learn about their sex lives, even when you don’t want to, but in the end, it will make you more open about sex and they won’t helicopter you about your own sexual experiences. You’ll thank them for that later, even though Dad often dropped too much information about Polyamorous lifestyles that made you feel uncomfortable.

You’ll know more than your brothers. They won’t know for a while, and when your younger brother finds out on his birthday that Mom is making love with Uncle, you’ll feel powerless to help his emotional anguish. He’s more sensitive than you and you have to be a lighthouse for your younger siblings, but you won’t be equipped with the right tools to comfort them. You’ll make the decision to be a teenager, to go out with your friends, and find as much time out of the house as possible. You’ll manipulate your parents that you’re overwhelmed with all their babysitting requests and they’ll throw money at you like it’s supposed to fix the suffocation you’re feeling. You’ll think it’s selfish of you, but you were looking out for yourself. That’s important. That’s okay.

Aunt becomes your friend, though. Through it all, she teaches you how to do your makeup and she gives you a job at her local business. She shows interest in your writing and she takes you to fun events. She even plans a special graduation trip, a trip to Europe, and you feel she’s your friend. This was never a bad thing. In fact, you made a great decision to learn valuable lessons from her about life—about a life different from a traditional, family-oriented one. You’ll learn that you won’t ever want to have kids and that it’s okay to be that way. You’ll find confidence and edginess and love yourself because she taught you to do that, things Mom couldn’t quite teach you at the time. This is good, it will make you who I am today.

It’s inevitable that one of the relationships would fail. It is inevitable that it will be Aunt dumping Dad. It will ruin the household for a time. Dad will be angry that you’ll still go to Europe with Aunt and Uncle. You make another decision and one that I still don’t regret today. You go to Europe. You have your first drink at eighteen and you unlock your wanderlust.

She’ll disappear, though. She’ll feel too much guilt for having “ruined” our family and she’ll ghost you. You’ll stay up late at night wondering what you did wrong. You’ll go get a new job so you don’t have to work in that sandwich shop any longer and you’ll go to college feeling a bit bitter about Aunt, but that’s a necessary development too. You did nothing wrong.

You’ll decide to put your energy toward school, then toward a boyfriend, then into buying a home and getting puppies. You’ll continue living with new perspectives on monogamy and maybe with a little bit of emotional damage you won’t quite work through until you dump that ex after seven years of being in love. None of it I regret. None of it should ever be changed. I am who I am because of it and for that, I actually have to thank you.

What I wish you had known back then was that you were doing everything perfectly. You were not messed up. You were not traumatized. You handled it the best way you could. You were amazing.

Don’t ever change. You figured out how society would handle you, but more importantly, how you would handle society. You did nothing wrong.

And I love you for that.

With Love,
The Future You Curated

Dear teenage self,

Before I go back in time, it’s crucial to recognize your mind was not fully developed yet.

They say things happen for a reason, but…

“If you sit on the bench, you sit on the bench.” It is your fault that I did.

I wish you would have pushed yourself to lift one more “weight” by going to that party. You did not… it’s your fault.

You wanted to tell that girl you liked her. You did not… it’s your fault.

These milestones that I did not hit, yes… it’s your fault!

You did not know any better, but people that I trust tell me it will come at the right time.

I think I am in the right hands – that is me joking about how I can’t use my right hand😂

Anyway, Thank you for forcing me to realize that the bench is too hot, making me move my butt. Because of you, life won’t have as many buts as it once did.

Your inaction is forcing me to take action, and not say “BUT if I did this!” I’m hitting the field now.

Thank you for making me see the GREEN in the grass. Now, I am slowly appreciating the muddy trail you took me on.

As I hit the “field,” from now on, I’m going for two all the time!

Love,

The CURRENT YOU!

Hey young lady, look at you grow! Try not to be so hard on yourself because you didn’t know. Generations before you chose to stay in ignorance, so how does a delicate, intricate flower without nurturing, care and guidance were you supposed to bloom and grow? They chose to live their heaven on earth and did things anyhow, all the while you felt overshadowed and planted in darkness and dirt. But my darling little seedling, in the end you bloomed with a smirk, because you put in the work to bury the traumas and dysfunctions way down in that dirt! Allow the sun to beam into your mind, heart and soul and know that your spirit and your worth has blossomed more than any precious gold.