Dear Self,

What a book this life has been! So many chapters. The early chapters that are far behind us.. The first few, living and growing up into little people. The mid-years with the mall bangs, Aqua-Net and blazers… When it was so important to be popular. When everyone’s opinion mattered.

After caring about what everyone thought, you narrowed it down to only what the boys thought. So many boys… and then THE boy. The one who wasn’t cool in the traditional sense, but it was okay because you never cared much for the traditional. The one who showed you what safe was. What love could be. Then, he broke your heart. Not on purpose. You were both just too young, he said. You thought he was wrong.

The next chapter was dark. You leaned into depression. Into deep regret. Into drugs and sex. And shame. You were sure everyone was judging you.

It was time for a new chapter.

Along with your new chapter, you started therapy. You tried so hard and worked so long, working desperately to impress your therapist. Your group leaders and head of programming. You wanted to show your friends how “normal” and healthy you were… You really wanted to be good, for them.

Then there was the darkest chapter where you lost your sister. An overdose. Heroin. You fell out of relationships. Out of connection. Out of caring about anyone or anything. You thought you wouldn’t be able to go on. You didn’t care what anyone thought.

Despite everything, eventually, you were able to laugh again and to make others laugh too.

Routine was boring though. Calm and quiet were not what you were used to and there was the occasional “oops, things are going a little too well… better shake it up because I know how to deal with crisis. It is comfortable.”

Your therapist suggested healthier ways to experience risk without putting your life your wellbeing in jeopardy.

You signed up to try stand up comedy. Oh, you were so nervous. Remember feeling like you ate that whole jar of butterflies before the contest? You didn’t just volunteer for an open mic night; you signed up for a comedy contest. You practiced hard… so hard, even realizing that no matter how practiced and prepared you were, it was still going to be your very first time on stage.

Little did you know this was the beginning of the best chapter of your life.

You remember what happened next, right?

You were sick to your stomach with nerves (and an overabundance of caffeine), terrified you’d forget your lines and once you stepped out on stage, into the spotlight… everything went quiet and still for a minute. A serenity came over you and you knew there was nowhere you’d rather be and nothing you’d rather be doing. THIS was what you were supposed to be doing. This was your life’s purpose.

You KILLED it. And, you won the contest!

It was euphoric.

It was reinforced.

There are many nights you stay up too late, writing and rewriting jokes. Practicing with a microphone given by a friend and a speaker bought in a pawn shop. Walking up and down the hallways and around the bedroom getting a feel for the weight in my hands. The acknowledgement of the cord and special awareness. How close you could hold the mic to your mouth before your words became mumbled.

And the community. The bar crowd that didn’t necessarily drink but shot the shit. There is an acceptance there. Of all your awkwardness and quirk. There is acceptance and celebration, for the most part.

Last night you were in another contest. You didn’t win. Not the prize, anyway. But in another way, that the other performers may not have. You did what you set out to do. You showed up. You didn’t forget any of your jokes. You made people laugh, and you didn’t care if it was with you or at you or even just near you. You were content know you did what you loved to do.

You realized your power in that. You gave yourself permission to be out of your head and strictly in the moment. Enjoying yourself.

All I’ve got left to say is: keep it up! I can’t wait to see where we’ll go from here!

Hello world, I know you are probably wondering how’s life, what’s going on, what has been happening to me. We are beauty, We are one with ourselves without a doubt. Let’s begin to be in a world surrounded with true loving inspirational humans. To go through this chapter with no regret. I’m living life as time goes by with ambition, and conquering fears. I can be myself with no judgement. No fear or care of judgement from strangers who mean so little. I stand up for myself not so timid. Eighteen year old me was not ready for who i am today. I’m a published author now who knew that would be happen, I accomplished I’m very gratefully eccentric . I love myself finally after 22 years of not. I sang karaoke with the love of my life in front of an audience. I was confident I’m proud of that. I’m joyful, in love, and all i see are the beauty of everything around me. I met the most beautiful woman I’m spending the rest of my life with, She’s my always and forever & I couldn’t ask for anyone better than her. She’s my person, whom i can be vulnerable with always. To Mi Amor, the New job, The New opportunities , The New Special Memories I adore you. I’m looking forward to chapter 23!!! As we continue the journey, we now embrace life no longer dread it. I feel it, the wind from the trees everything so beautiful from the rustle of leaves, feel the ground beneath my fee ,the clouds moving slowly but surely, the stars shining brighter than ever before, to finally just get in touch with mother nature herself has truly been Exceptional. Who i am today & Who i was before i see the change ,the growth just to make it here. I know now that all the struggle & obstacles I’ve been through had to happen for me to be the beautiful, strong intelligent woman i am now & now i know that i have always been strong, I just couldn’t see the strength in me till now & for that i smile at this twenty-second chapter of my life.

This chapter was made for the
moon roof sets
sometimes those sun roof breaths.

The barefoot ballerina parking lot dances
you pray you never told em’ about..

Your sacred and safe places
being Yours
Mine.
introductions on a whim.
Vulnerability attempts.
Openness of trials.

…and Errors?
Reminding yourself how to breathe a life
worth living again..

This chapter was made for you.
Me.
Us.
Here’s to the rebirth of
Our’s
Their’s..
Whose it needs to be…
A
The
My
phoenix.

‘Cause we sure as
All Hell
ain’t gonna ever
Go..
or
come back.
—xo A

Chapter 29

What can I say about this chapter of my life & what I love

This chapter — as many others — has tought me — so so much

Most of all—

It’s taught me to step outside — my comfort zone

Into an — unfamiliar place
Into the — complete — unknown

It’s allowed me to — crawl my way out of
— the abyss

& To open my self up — to the world again

It’s taught me — that It’s ok for me — to let you in

& no — it’s not easy to show myself
in my most vulnerable state — it’s never been

To let you have — a sweet taste
of my most — sour days — can be unsettling

Unsettling — to say the least

Sometimes you can tell still —
when my body’s — trembling

Or when my voice — shakes

But I learned — to simply just
— trust the process

in exchange — the power — I’ve gained
Is — Courage

What I love most about this Chapter — 29 of mine

Is that I finally let go of —
“my perfect plan — & timeline”

I learned to finally — resubmit myself — to God
In a way — I hadn’t done — for so long

I learned to heal some parts of me — that took me back — to little ol’ me — at 17

Even tho for years — that girl
has been gone

I learned to finally give up — trying to be her again

— just wishing & wishing

I know now — I’ll never be that girl again
but I’m no longer tripping

I can finally be at peace — to say goodbye to her & recreate myself

Trusting that me at 29 — has already made her proud

So what do I love most about this — Chapter 29 — I ask myself ?

That — a little bit of this
& a little bit of — that

Restored the hope back in my heart — that for years — I have lacked

& that — even on the days
When I felt — most alone

I never truly was — cause God
Neverrrr — Let Me — Go

I learned that — when God promised
to make a beautiful story out of me

He in fact — did not fold

Even tho at times — it felt like
my time was being wasted

It was simply just — a beautiful story
— still — in the making

All I gotta do now — is continue to let him take the lead

& not forget — like Miley Cyrus — always said
— It’s the climb

So I’ll keep on climbing

I’ll be patient Lord 🙏🏽
I’ll let you finish writing ✍️ 🥹

Jessica, be you and be you boldly. Express every thought that produces emotions. Communicate that thought that keeps you up at night and makes you a sleepwalker by day. Specifically, those thoughts that fuel unwarranted feelings such as depression, suppression, oppression, and rejection. Do not allow them to overtake you to a point of no return. The things I failed to mention have sent me into another dimension—the dark world of Dementia. Yes, the light of the world bleeds through the windows to my soul, but the darkness I allow year after year overshadowed it. Limiting the light to pierce “ME,” the crevices of my mind and heart. I rarely feel and rarely remember the life I lived. Unfortunately, it is no longer my choice to filter in and out what is important. Learn from my current condition and how I react. It is okay to feel, but as quickly as it hits you, be quick to let it go and move on to the next subject matter. Do not allow it to consume you.
From afar, yet so close, I can see that all the years, time, and energy I have put into people I thought loved me by default failed me then and continue to fail me now, apart from a couple who have passed on or have limited mobility to show up. I’ve spent years chasing, giving, and simply showing up for those people. I’m surely appreciative of those who stand by me now. I hear you each time you say, “ I love you, Mommy.” I do not only hear you, but I genuinely feel it from time to time. I see it through your actions. That’s why sometimes I may say, “ I know you do,” and just as you asked “How” once, I was able to reply, “Because you are still here.” I cherish it each time you say it, although it may seem I don’t understand, considering my condition.
This chapter of life is called the awakening. It is your time to shine! You have been dimming your light and minimizing your voice for too long. Holding on to people, their actions, and their judgments for no greater end. It is time you wake up from my mother’s despair. She lived in it, soaked in it, and has become consumed by it. Life is about reciprocity. You get back what you put in, but here’s the kicker: be mindful of where you are making deposits. It’s OK to make “empty deposits” here and there. No deposit is in vain, but realize when to move on. Pay close attention to your gut feelings. It is a reflection of discernment. You have spent time defining who you are, understanding your values and the standards you live by, and will accept from others. Now, it is time to stand up and stand boldly in your place.
You are the governor of your peace and the orderliness of your life. You will lose some people along the way, but remain confident; there will be new people to fill their place. People will circle back: understand every apology does not reward reentry. Let go of the idea that “you can’t choose your family.” Yes, you can! Remember, you turned to “family” for help and guidance through the most challenging times, and they denied you. You set out to take that journey “ alone,” gracefully along the way; the Most High sent the people you needed, and the majority remain by your side. Those are the people you can securely call family. They protect, support, and encourage growth without a competitive cap. This is the most liberating place to be. It has become much simpler after consciously living in the idea of “Let them.” Let them misunderstand you, let them ignore you, let them leave you, let them judge you, let them make excuses. As for you, never stop growing. Do not accept anything less than you deserve to keep stepping forward. It gets even better!

This chapter of my life is my prime time.
I am reaping good karma and harvesting my rewards, respect, and honor.

This chapter of my life is about me.
My sake of peace, love, and happiness.
This is the year I reach my peak.

The previous chapter of my life taught me how to truly love, accept, and respect myself.
I healed from PTSD, domestic abuse, and depression; which is like going to rehab and having to reinforce the stage of relapse.
More over learning how to manage my emotions and control my reactions.

I let go of all people, places and things that no longer serve me for the greater goods.
Since I released all negative and toxic energy I have been feeling free and more active.
I feel renewed and like a brand new person.

This chapter of my life I am unstoppable.
My desires are appearing in reality.
I am reaping all the good seeds I sowed in my previous chapters.
Everything I touch turns to gold.

What I love most about this chapter of my life new beginnings.

After my mom passed away in 2010
I was unsure what the future held for me
I had no idea how life would be
Without the woman I loved and adored
I was stuck
Fast forward almost 14 years later
I love my growth
I love my consistency
I love that I am not afraid to tell my story
Sharing my struggles with grief
As well as my continuous
Uphill battle with healing
From past trauma
My patience with learning
That sometimes things aren’t meant to be
God’s plan is way better
Than how I believed my life ought to be
I am amazed that I have been blessed
With opportunities
I’ve dreamt of
A love that completes me
And restores my confidence in myself
A peace that fulfills me
I will continue to live life unapologetically
‘Cause this chapter in my life
Is way better than I expected it to be!

In this season
We’ve been granted a slower pace
Living simply in the every day
And finding God there too

The rush has been left behind
A deep breath in, a long exhale
Holding tightly to the present
And each other

I’ve traded the morning commute
For morning cartoons
A full cup of chocolate milk
Next to my coffee with cream

The crunch beneath my feet
A small hand in mine
Your three strides to my one
We’re in rhythm

I’ve long been searching for contentment
And I’m finding it too
In “I love you mama”
and “I love you too”

When the world is chaos
Our little universe found peace
Even if only in this season
As time is soon fleeting, flying, leaving

Someday I’ll remember when
We turned off the “fast”
Before I’m reaching, grabbing
For times past

You are my beautiful reason
For this season
Little one
And for all to come.

The Ladybug

A ladybug landed on my hand.

I was in my car with the window down, waiting for my friend to show up when a ladybug landed on my hand.

I didn’t see it at first and panicked because something landed on my hand.

I smacked it away before I realized.

I think I killed it.

I made me think for some reason…

Think of this chapter of my life

How it is not the best

But also, not the worst.

I think that the worst was last year.

Last year was something else.

If anything, bad could happen; it would.

I mean, there was some good in the bad,

Like getting a job.

Yet, I also had my first three panic attacks.

Or when I got my license after three tries.

Yet, my grandpa got cancer a week later.

Like exactly a week late.

At least I got a car out of it, but it still sucked.

Or like finally finding a therapist.

But also realizing that finding a therapist was just the beginning.

For the past year, I have been working with my trauma and now, I’m better.

I have learned to cope

I have learned to grow.

And I feel happy.

Like never before.

I feel like I can breathe

Even though, my anxiety does not help;

I learn to stay grounded.

Even if I fail,

I know that I can just get back up.

And I and going to try everything I can so that I don’t miss out on anything.

I hope to look back at this part of my life and try to remember the good.

By: Breanna L. Asada

Dear lady in her thirties,

Perhaps I said it best when reflecting on turning 30 last year in June; writing down lessons I’ve learned in my decade of twenties. I’ve entered an endearing period of life met with a fresh beginning. This is what I love about this chapter of my life. As I recall some learning moments as a twenty-something, I want to revisit them and remind myself of how I’m living these out in this third decade of life.

What I want that others have isn’t always as it seems, and it’s okay to wait for my right moment. This brings me to the reality of being single, never having been married, and not having any children when all I see are people my age getting to partake in these life milestones. This is something I want out of my life, and I get anxious about the possibility of this not happening for me. However, I hear stories of hardship, challenges, or struggle some people face with being married, in a relationship, and/or having children, and it allows me to take a step back and be grateful for what I have. I get to grab dinner with my friends and family whenever I want. I get to decorate my home the way I prefer. I can travel in a moment’s notice.

I’ve learned it’s not worth getting stuck in the visions of how something is “supposed to be” and it not working out. I should still experience life and see what happens. Making the best out of my work life in establishing healthy relationships with my co-workers in which we bond over many restaurants and talk delicious recipes. Reconnecting with old friends that bring a sense of coziness. Traveling to Ireland this fall and experiencing the heartiness of their culture along with the beauty of their land. It’s these moments I hold onto, and I don’t even have to worry about visualizing them – they just end up being joyful surprises instead.

Saying “no” is a saving grace, and being comfortable doing this is a delight. I know that it may sting a little in the moment, but trusting my gut of when to say “no” is what I always need to do. I’ve taken one year off dating apps after using them for multiple years with no success. It’s been rejuvenating. Reminding myself that the men I said “no” to certain things because of my values and beliefs not matching up to theirs was all worth every disappointment.

Every mistake is a learning moment and even though letting go of shame seems impossible, thinking about the broad picture of how it will equip me for the next best moment is helpful. Thinking about how I stayed in toxic work environments, accepted people’s hurtful words, made decisions that ended up doing more harm than good—I look back now, and realize how much this has helped me present day in experiencing triumph and contentment that I have the privilege of living. Through this, it gave me focus of fighting for what I deserve and treasure most.

So as I close this letter, I want to remind myself to keep these learning moments that have jumpstarted this chapter of my life. Here’s to the next decade and years to come in creating meaningful memories. I never expected the start of my 30’s to feel so content.

Cheers,
Mariel

My father sat on the sofa with his elbows resting on his spread knees, and he couldn’t keep his gaze locked on mine. His eyes wandered aimlessly around the room as he forced his throat to expel the truth. I already knew what was wrong, but hearing him confess straight to my face stopped my growing denial. The reality of it all sunk in like a hot brand on my chest, searing my skin. I stared at him as my eyes slowly glazed over. My nails picked so desperately at my fingers, hoping to dull the intense misery that now consumed my head. 
The excitement I once had for a steady future started slowly draining from beneath me; all I could do was watch helplessly. Reality hit me like a freight train after August. My house was beginning to resemble the house of a hoarder due to a water leak that took months to fix and my father’s inability to close his wallet when he was greeted with a good deal. My dignity gradually dwindled every time someone stepped foot inside the house as our dirty secret was disclosed. The situation was becoming too relatable, like a sick and twisted metaphor for the inside of my mind. Cluttered with reality, shoving it away, desperately, trying to make each box fit while I covered it up from the outside with sophisticated red bricking and dainty flower hedges. 
Pretty pastel dresses and a caked face adorned with a cheery smile were enough to maintain my bubbly facade. However, there was only so much I could do to ease the aching of my soul. My unconventional methods worked, but I could gradually feel myself falling apart as the cardboard boxes that held my sorrows became soiled with the tears I shed in secret. 
A long, dreadful day ended with my front door slammed shut, leaving my facade standing on the other side. Heavy feet dragged along the floor when one abruptly slammed into another piece of reality resting by the doorway. The sight of it alone made my heart constrict as rage swelled behind my eyes, spilling over in hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. Begrudgingly, I picked up the box, struggling to force my knees to straighten. The bottom of the dingy box finally gave out, scattering its contents across the floor before me. The irony was so great I almost found the humor in it. Rage exploded into utter desperation as my breath hitched. I stood there for an eternity holding that useless box, staring blankly in front of me. At the same time, the hopelessness grew heavier, weighing my heart down like an anchor. I allowed it to take me down, and my knees made contact with the cold laminate floor. I numbly picked up every piece of my fragmented reality, forced to acknowledge everything I had been trying to deny. So many factors were woven together, and with their frayed ends, it was impossible to see how anything would transpire. Every plan I made collapsed as quickly as that pathetic cardboard box. A renewed vigor filled my veins, eradicating the sorrow as I carelessly shoved everything inside a new box. 
I picked up that new pristine cardboard box containing the same old problems. I rushed towards my bedroom and flung open the door, chucking the box to the ground with absolute disdain. It crashed to the floor with a loud thud as all the contents inside rattled together. I wished so hard that the box would engulf in flames that I started to see it. I watched as the tan cardboard turned bright red and crumpled in on itself, desperate to escape from the fire that clung to its skin as it charred. I lowered myself to the floor and sat in front of the blistering heat. I felt the warmth of the flames gently kissing my face as I watched my anguish be carried away with every ember that rose to the ceiling. An eerie, soothing calm washed over my body as a shaky breath left my lungs.
I stared at the pile of ash, finding solace in how everything had been reduced to nothing. The tarnished silver lining was finally revealed to me, and I eventually stood up. Everything that had ever plagued my mind had disintegrated before me, leaving an empty feeling as all my troubles had disappeared in seconds. The only thing left were pre-written pages to look back on to be read repeatedly, always ending eventually. Within a blink, the fire was gone, and my daydream ended, and I was back to staring at that cursed box, but I couldn’t help but love that this chapter would someday eventually end. 

The pounding beat of drum and bass calls to me.
A waft of smoke drifts by as I enter the club.
I am mesmerized by the light show and guitar tones.
When I spot a cute guy wearing a gray T-shirt and black jeans, the flirting begins.
I am childfree, so I can go out when and where I please.

The sun peers through the blinds and I finally wake up at noon.
A mild headache quickly fades.
Though many cocktails were consumed the night before, I am not hungover.
I stretch and climb out of bed, ready to start the new day.
I am single, so I can enjoy sleeping on the entire queen-sized mattress.

My foster dog barks and whines at me.
He is ready to go outside and play with a ball.
We extend our hike around the neighborhood to include the walking trail near my apartment.
After we return home, we play tug of war with his S-toy.
I am an animal lover, so I can spoil my pet.

The blinking light on the computer screen beckons me.
I open the word processing app and look at my notes.
I interviewed the singer of a local heavy metal band a few days ago.
Words flow from my brain to the keyboard as I type quickly.
I am a music journalist, so I can work whenever I feel like it.

A record spins on the turntable.
Discordant notes play from the marbled red vinyl.
I sing along to the hip-hop tune.
The beat goes on and draws me in to the story told in the song.
I am a loner, so I cherish solitary activities.

I live alone as a single, childfree woman.
I serve as mom to animals in need.
I work when I have the time and inclination.
I enjoy spending quality time with myself.
And I could not be happier at this stage of my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read Beauty. It is a spoken word poem and words of wisdom from an aging self-critic. Thank you for attention. Peace.
Beauty
I know what I look like.
This is the face that I see each morning.
Deep lines form parenthesis around my mouth.
There is a canyon formed between my eyebrows.
Crevices radiate out from each eye like carved rays of light.
I do not despair at my appearance.
I am at war.
These are battle scars.
Since leaving childhood.
A battle rages inside me.
A struggle for control of my outward appearance.
Set out into the world to face the daily insults of womanhood.
This war is born of disappointment, rage, and grief.
This angry leprechaun attempts to vanquish my psyche.
She is enraged at unkept promises,
Unrealistic expectations,
Self-imposed limitation.
Hands balled into fists,
She stomps through my consciousness.
A halo of flaming red hair encircles her twisted features.
She spends her days terrorizing the small creatures,
My inner child,
My self esteem,
My self-image.
At night she adds her banshee screams to the chorus of disapproval.
She screams insults,
“You’re always late!”
“You’ve never had an original thought in your life!”
“You’re a terrible mother.”
Until my better angels soothe her into submission.
They croon, “There, there my precious child….”
Momentarily quiet, she simmers in rage just waiting,
For the next perceived offence
Injuries real and imagined.
This is no easy feat
To vanquish years of insult, frustration, and anguish.
I wear the scars of battle,
Deep parenthesis around my mouth
signs that I have not allowed the leprechaun to voice my grievances.
Lines that radiate from eyes
carved by fake smiles as I placate unreasonable requests.
The canyon between my eyes
Etched by years of squinting at the unfathomable cruelty of my fellow man.
I wear these lines with pride.
A sign that my inner angels have prevailed.
As I enter my years of wisdom,
I admonish myself daily.
You are strong.
You are compassionate.
You are wise.
From deep within,
The leprechaun only murmurs.