Jessica, be you and be you boldly. Express every thought that produces emotions. Communicate that thought that keeps you up at night and makes you a sleepwalker by day. Specifically, those thoughts that fuel unwarranted feelings such as depression, suppression, oppression, and rejection. Do not allow them to overtake you to a point of no return. The things I failed to mention have sent me into another dimension—the dark world of Dementia. Yes, the light of the world bleeds through the windows to my soul, but the darkness I allow year after year overshadowed it. Limiting the light to pierce “ME,” the crevices of my mind and heart. I rarely feel and rarely remember the life I lived. Unfortunately, it is no longer my choice to filter in and out what is important. Learn from my current condition and how I react. It is okay to feel, but as quickly as it hits you, be quick to let it go and move on to the next subject matter. Do not allow it to consume you.
From afar, yet so close, I can see that all the years, time, and energy I have put into people I thought loved me by default failed me then and continue to fail me now, apart from a couple who have passed on or have limited mobility to show up. I’ve spent years chasing, giving, and simply showing up for those people. I’m surely appreciative of those who stand by me now. I hear you each time you say, “ I love you, Mommy.” I do not only hear you, but I genuinely feel it from time to time. I see it through your actions. That’s why sometimes I may say, “ I know you do,” and just as you asked “How” once, I was able to reply, “Because you are still here.” I cherish it each time you say it, although it may seem I don’t understand, considering my condition.
This chapter of life is called the awakening. It is your time to shine! You have been dimming your light and minimizing your voice for too long. Holding on to people, their actions, and their judgments for no greater end. It is time you wake up from my mother’s despair. She lived in it, soaked in it, and has become consumed by it. Life is about reciprocity. You get back what you put in, but here’s the kicker: be mindful of where you are making deposits. It’s OK to make “empty deposits” here and there. No deposit is in vain, but realize when to move on. Pay close attention to your gut feelings. It is a reflection of discernment. You have spent time defining who you are, understanding your values and the standards you live by, and will accept from others. Now, it is time to stand up and stand boldly in your place.
You are the governor of your peace and the orderliness of your life. You will lose some people along the way, but remain confident; there will be new people to fill their place. People will circle back: understand every apology does not reward reentry. Let go of the idea that “you can’t choose your family.” Yes, you can! Remember, you turned to “family” for help and guidance through the most challenging times, and they denied you. You set out to take that journey “ alone,” gracefully along the way; the Most High sent the people you needed, and the majority remain by your side. Those are the people you can securely call family. They protect, support, and encourage growth without a competitive cap. This is the most liberating place to be. It has become much simpler after consciously living in the idea of “Let them.” Let them misunderstand you, let them ignore you, let them leave you, let them judge you, let them make excuses. As for you, never stop growing. Do not accept anything less than you deserve to keep stepping forward. It gets even better!