For a long time I have always felt silenced. I go to speak and no words come out. So I hold it in. I have held my tongue for many reasons. One of which comes from childhood where I was told ‘do not speak when grown folks are talking’ or ‘don’t speak when I speak’. And they are always speaking. Another reason for why I have held my tongue is because of my speech impediment. I say my R’s like W’s so whenever I speak people find it comedic and disregard the words that I am actually trying to say. So I hold it in. I don’t speak and I disassociate. But that was my childhood. I am grown now and I can’t keep being quiet. I can’t keep getting walked over and I can’t keep tolerating disrespect. I believe that I try to be gracious to people and even when they are wrong I try not to judge too harshly. I give grace, but it is not received. I get evicted, lose my car, move back in with my parents and it is all his fault. Apparently. Even though everyone in the family has suffered a loss, has lived through failure. However, the person that I love must be perfect and never, ever fall. The person that I love has been judged and I stay silent. The person that I love has been treated and talked about unfairly, but I have no words. If I don’t know how to speak up for myself, how can I speak up for others? The moment that changed my life for the better is when I was punished for loving someone. I had to suffer and go without because he is a little rough, he curses and he’s not perfect. Getting punished for something you cannot control is something that I couldn’t hold it in. The words and emotions flowed out of me. The words stung and I knew it, so I just pressed it in deeper. I wanted to speak on all of the times that I didn’t speak for myself. I wanted to remind them that I was always last on their list and how I was always overlooked. I am never invited out and never included, but the person that sticks beside me and that is with me every day is villainized. He is not perfect, but neither am I. Or you. Jesus said that he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. It seems like those with the most to say and the most to hide are the ones always casting the stone. So, I threw a stone when you made me sit outside in the rain when I was in college, but you let some random guy roomate with you. And I threw a stone on the time that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and you refused to get up because you were in for the night. I am better now that I know that I don’t need to hold my tongue to be a part of a family. I am better since I let you have it. I am better since I stepped to you and made you realize no matter how much older you are than me, I will never tolerate disrespect from you. The moment you took the car away that you gave me because you didn’t like my boyfriend it changed me for the better. Ten days later, I got approved for a car with no money down. Punishing me for who I love will never work because God will show up, show out and bless me even better in the end.

Silence must be heard

A Voice unheard.
Afraid to speak
Years of darkness,
Years of being a sheep.
Wrongfully fired on the spot
Her mouth hung open
She was distraught
Silenced again,
with so much pain
Never again
Did she move the same.

Fear resided, kept her silent
Until reminded,
She was the pilot.
Stepping on the stage,
She sang her song
Wrote her next page.
Verbiage flowed
like never before

Finally,
her Voice roared.
Her Voice carried
The melody gave her power
She began to bloom
Becoming a vibrant flower!
Now heard and not just seen,
She began to live
Live her dreams,
Never to fear being
Heard or seen.

Broken by deceit, confused by the sorrow,
Wondering what life holds in the brink of the tomorrows,
Friends turn to foes, enemies unchained….
Running wild they start to crowd in the land of the untamed.
Like hamsters spinning on hamster wheels,
Going nowhere fast,
I can’t be delusional,
I have to leave them in the past.
Who said everything should last?
Anyway,
Reclaim your time, because if you weren’t meant to shine,
God wouldn’t have saved your life,
And the enemy wouldn’t always have you on his mind.
More valuable than rubies,
More precious than a pearl,
Do it for all the souls after you….
Every little boy and every little girl.
You were born a winner, don’t look at the aesthetics of your life,
You were destined for the life you have right now, you earned your position,
Remember the pain and strife?
You suffered so much,
That’s why your harvest will be plentiful.
You did your job, you put in the work,
Check your fingernails….
You see that dirt?
That’s called field hands, yet they look so clean….
Just like Ruth baby….
You had to glean.
But don’t you dare allow “them over there” 👉 to make you feel less than you are….
Because the biggest eyes, 👀
Tell the biggest lies,
But if you didn’t shine…
How could they still see you enough to 🗣️ on you from afar?
Stay true to yourself,
Stand in your ROYAL POSITION,
Because each time you’re mentioned,
You’re the center of attention,
And that only happens when
You have soooo much OIL IN YOUR KITCHEN!!!!

Copyright ©️ Jacquiline Cox 2024

You told me not to leave
More times than I could count
Confused young kids
Having kids
Not knowing what was what

Well one day I finally remembered
I’m worth
All the love and more
And that endless love
It starts within
And flows forevermore

The journey has not been easy
Rocky from the start
But I’ve grown stronger and wiser
And all these lessons fill my heart

I’ve had poison aimed straight to my soul
From your words and energy
But despite your lies and anger
I never will grow cold

Because if this darkness that I must face most days
The light I have within my soul
Re-illuminates me always.

To anyone who has pondered their past,

I’d like to share with you about a time that changed me for the better.

It was the summer before my junior year of college. I had a small view of the world and how it worked. My idea of success was based upon a semester of good grades combined with how many new Facebook friends I could add after a night of partying. If my hair, makeup, and outfit were on point? Even better. I was content to keep up appearances and do what everyone else my age was doing, or so I thought.

At the time my true spirit was suppressed. A couple years prior I had an emergency C-section to remove a cyst that had mysteriously formed on my ovary. A year later I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism once a nodule was discovered on my thyroid gland. Growing up with Asthma and often ill, I hated learning that there were more ailments being added to my roster. As one can imagine, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind. “Why me? Why does my body hate me? Will I keep getting worse? I’m too young to have a chronic illness…”

Overwhelmed, I banished those concerns to the basement of my brain. I kept living “young, wild and free”, avoiding my problems. I believed that fearing death was for “old people.”

After two years of studying media production, I soon wanted my very own MacBook Pro laptop. I envisioned myself editing on Final Cut from my off-campus apartment. Ideas flooded in – Fashion reels, experimental shorts, music videos, bright colors, textures, fun effects! It was time for an upgrade. But that meant I had to work for it. Summer job? It was a must. After some calculations I discovered I would have to work TWO jobs to reach my goal!

“Well, alright then,” I thought. Just like fashion guru Tim Gunn, I’ll “make it work”. So thus began the summer where I wrapped meat in a cooler early mornings and in the evenings got dolled up to buss at the soon-to-open Italian restaurant. This was when I met her, the young girl from Nigeria. Skin glowing and baby-faced – “absolutely still in high school,” I thought. She talked with a rich musical accent that rendered her hard to understand. Most of the group felt unsure to speak to her, yet I gravitated towards her. She sparkled while she laughed even when no one else found the humor. In time, my ears adapted, and I could fully understand her. “My family recently moved here”, she shared.

When I worked shifts with her, she brightened the hours that passed. We shared inside jokes, danced behind the kitchen doors, and she did not judge me for when I got written up for sneaking the breadsticks. My spirit felt untethered by her. I could let go of trying to appear like everyone else.

Then one day my new friend asked me something I never thought I would hear. “Will you come to my brother’s funeral?” My heart skipped a beat. I thought I misheard her. “What?” My eyes looked directly into hers. “My brother was found dead.” I hugged her and suddenly I did not give a crap about breadsticks.

A week or so had gone by and I found myself at her brother’s service with a fellow busser, a sweet woman many years older than my friend and myself. We were welcomed and loved right away into a family who had the biggest hearts. Songs praising God lifted the roof and rang strong and loud into the heavens. Arms outstretched and hands reached towards the sky. I soon realized that even in their grief, this was a celebration. People cried, smiled and expressed themselves in ways that were purely human, and they were not afraid to show it. I closed my eyes, sang and swayed, and basked in the connection felt between us all. There I was, an ungrateful college student with an abnormal growth on her thyroid, a scar on her abdomen, and a chronic disease, yet through it all, I was alive. I was blessed to have all of my tomorrows whereas my friend’s brother? He did not.

That day changed me. It felt better than any amount of likes on my Facebook page ever could. It felt real. Thanks to my friend that summer, my spirit received a nudge towards a truth that I had long avoided. Death is not just for the elderly. Death comes for us all. We can choose to fear it, not think about it, or accept it. I went back to school with my fancy new laptop knowing in my heart that I had to make that choice and no one else could do it for me.

I would cry out to God from the pit of my soul.
As I wrestled with anxiety and depression,
The unending churning deep within my stomach,
I did not think that season would ever end.
I did not have a desire to eat or be present.
All I wanted to do was hide in a place that was small enough to fit just me.
It was then I wished I knew what it looked like to be free.

Days felt like months and months, years.
I kept praying, “Lord, please help me!”
And in those moments God lifted my load
And lo and behold a new chapter of my story unfolded.
God’s light shined through the shadows of doubt and fear
Unleashing the true essence of my divine design, it was crystal clear.

I went through the fire to turn my trauma into gold.
What was once scary is now beautiful.
No longer letting the intensity of today’s pain take away the joy of tomorrow’s glory
Because the seed of my pain was exchanged for my victory.

I am the personification of strength and resiliency.
A woman with a pen and purpose
Connected to this God-given system that flows with greatness.
Poetry became like breathing to me
And to others a shoulder to lean on,
Leaning towards solace
I can finally say I know what solace looks and tastes like.

I found love within God’s love letters
And found peace within the broken pieces of me I once thought were no longer valuable.
Forever grateful that Christ paid the full price for something that was broken.
What was once bloody is now beautiful
Beautifully put, when God exchanged my heart for His
And gave me a new spirit to reject the handful hand-me-downs of generational trauma.

I am aligned with energies that heal my past and grow my future.
I release past versions of me that no longer reflect who I am.
My flesh is rewriting the story about my new inheritance, a garden of generational blessings.
Planting the most powerful word seeds for glowing vibes of a fruitful harvest.
Sun-kissed in rich soil of healing and revelation, a prophetic word.
I stand with mountain-moving faith, believing that it is well with my soul!

At first, I thought that writting this letter would be hard for me because, there have been a few things that happened in my life that changed me for the better or that has tought me a lesson/lessons. But actually, it’s going to easier than I thought. Life is always teaching us lessons, but just as it was in school, it depends on if we are paying attention or not in order to learn those lessons.
One experience that helped me change my life for the better, was when I found The Most High ( or some like to call him, God). Dont get me wrong, I always was a very spirtual person because I did grow up going to church and all, but it wasnt until I had gotten older to understand that my relationship with him had to be alot more personal and alot more surrendering.

I have always known I was different, I just didn’t really understand how or why. And at first, yes I thought something was wrong with me because I never fit in with my peers. Eventhough I tried. It wasn’t until going through so many trials and tribulations all around the same time that caused me to seek a more deeper understanding about myself, about life and about my purpose of why I’m actually here.

I don’t want to get too much into details, but I will say that I had a few losses of loved ones, jobs, friends and even became homless at a point of time. Like completely homless to where I had to pedhandle, ask total stangers to help me be able to feed myself for the day, which was not always easy. I had slept ouside, on trains, even slept in a car. I am grateful for those who did help, but there were alot of people who didnt want to. Which caused me to have to spend awhile doing it until someone was kind enough to help me. Not to mention, I had to put so much pride to the side in order to be able to ask totally strangers for money in the first place.

One day, I had a meltdown. In frustration of everything that seemed to be hitting me all at once, I cried out literally in prayer. I was angry, sad, and very emotional. Didn’t know what else to do, who to turn to, or how to feel anymore. And eventhough I hadn’t been to church in years, something in me made me cry out in prayer that day. I was overwelmed. I knew there was someone greater than I that had the answers to all my questions, and I was tired of trying to figure it out on my own. And, The Most High most really did answer me soon after.

Something(our creator) urged me to start reading the bible after that prayer. So I did. I started to read more from that point on, started praying even more and not just even asking for things but being grateful for things that I did have and for still being here. I started to seek deeper into self-care and loving myself, healing from my past. I noticed that a change within me started to happen so much that I started to see changes happen around me and for me. I found a better job, making more money, married my soulmate, and I started to understand more about myself so that I could contiue to make changes and grow.

Some call it a spiritual awakening, I call it becoming more self aware. Healing from pass trauma and learning how and when to use my gifts. Remember when I said that I knew that I was different, and that I just couln’t explain or understand how? Well, I found out that everything that I had been through was meant to happen so that I could be a testimony to help others that may have experience the same things that I have. And that I should find ways to use my talents to share my story with others, to help them find and keep hope alive. I have become a better version of myself. I love helping others, wheither its with my story, or being someone that is easy to talk to, or even helping out the homless as best as I can. Because I was once homless, I now understand just how important it is to give back to the community. Expecially to those in need. I know firsthand that not many people want to help the homeless, so I want to make sure that I am apart of the small percentage that love helping. We should always give, it should be in everyone’s heart to help each other without looking for something to something gain. Unfortunatly, its not in everyone’s heart to help.

Our creator saved me that day. He was just waiting on me to acknowledge him, ask him for his help because he is the only one who truely can. I am on a better path in life now, eventhough it still can get frustrating with everything that’s going on, I now understand that I am not alone. I never was alone, and as long as I keep my realationship with him, he will always be there to guide me to the path that he designed for me.

Driving.
Miles and miles.
Footwork and footwork.
Hello and hello.
You stop where you can to hang a missing person’s poster.
You notice the berries are a brighter red.
You hear spiritually.
You know sacredness is not seen but felt.
She was found dead. Stabbed over and over again, slowly bleeding out her last breath-her last body movement of life depleted.
Your baby sister.
Your golden laughter on weekends.
Your refuge of fun and fearlessness-dead; murdered.
No one knows what metamorphosisizing.
Wings or visions.

agggggggh!!!!
Screams are silent as to not let anyone hear
so loud inside that they are deafening
as I uncontrollably scream
with my eyes sealed shut
tears stream down my face
and my body shakes
as i let my head fall back
throwing my fists in the air
only to slump forward again
with my arms beside me in defeat
not long ago I was good
and then somehow
i managed to end up in this place
my eyes twitched
as I stared blankly in the distance
i’m felt lost and disgusted
how could i have let that happen to me
knowing that I wouldnt ever
Let that happen to anyone else
where did that even come from
how could I not see the evil in his soul
how i could I not see the hate in his heart
i wrapped myself in the darkness’s embrace
and slowly rocked myself back and forth
as to self soothe and help my mind grasp what had happened
oh the things that I had been through
with the holds of a choke
that almost crushed my throat
I am surprised I am alive today
but not without consequence
the after affects come out of nowhere
sudden moves and i jump
hands up and I cover my head and face
my drifts out of reality
bring me back to that time
and the emotions overwhelm me again
But here I am
Here I still stand
permanently scarred
but able to see through the dark
and able to be aware again
here i am smiling and laughing
eating and drinking
dancing and singing
here I am able to breathe
enjoying my offspring for days upon days
being their safe space, their light
away from anything sent to harm them
I don’t have to hold my breath
I don’t have to walk on eggshells
I don’t have to silence myself
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to wait
I don’t have to keep wondering what I did wrong
to deserve punishments as such
I don’t have to question how many more times
i would have to deal with his undeserving behavior
I am free
I am finally free
I look in the mirror and smile
wiping the tears from my eyes
no more cries the moment
until the pain again hits the rise
it will take time to heal
and try to keep these tears out my eyes
I know
emotions will come ago
and sometimes I will be so, so
but I lived to see another day
and another moment
so satisfying and pleasing
on my remarkable journey
if I may