February 2, 2024

Self-Reflection

To be honest, I haven’t seen myself like this before… Embodying who I really am at core.

Valuing depth in connections… While being open for correction, my mind & heart is on one accord.

I am emotionally secured, more matured and all of that for sure.

Loving OUT LOUD, as my intentions are pure. “Lub- Dup” a sound that beats enough to end a war!

Feeling through moving waters, as it balances my reflection against the sun’s glow.

Unshakeable Ms. Mountain on a hill. Aware

that resting here is not always comfortable as I’d hope for.

Recently, I’ve discovered a string of things that tries to somehow still hold me back… so, I ask how deep does my layers lie? Is it really intact?

Home, going within the house to unpack…Alarming? I must have forgotten the code being too tough of a shell to crack. No one is perfect, I’m steadily learning to embrace that.

I was built from love, while ego tries to misplace it.

Splitting while the foundation crumbles, I had to see it through to heal and learn from my mistakes before molding something other.

I choose to look at the scars to face what I see within.

That’s both the beautiful and ugly which once knocked me down, just to get back up again because I love me. Acting with love. . . that takes courage!!! “Me-time” of self care to well nourish

I always state that “Love is maintenance” believing that I am more than worthy of it. The pain of discipline sometimes would take me under

From set backs, memories and dysfunction. Carrying me is the love that started from somewhere ethereal, way before my Grandmother’s comfort.

I rediscovered, no wonder who I am when I did encounter God! Open invitation, accepting the fact that I can love my self like this, without conceit… Really? Wow!!!

It’s still no excuse for me to be naïve while re-learning who I am, from whom I once known

myself to be… that’s something!

I am both Zen & Lit. Sharpened, yet humbled with a bit of bumble… I’m ready to rumble, if I am called to sting… solidly vibrates just as a bell rings

Gracefully open for arriving at my own timing. It’s so nice to finally be here!

The woman that the child within in me could not wait to meet. The poetic, romantic… the dancer who swiftly sways, right and left feet.

As we harmonize with love, I give thanks in advance while loving even more of the lady I am becoming…Continue on love because you’re on to something!

Best,

-Self

So there I was, sitting on a twin-size air mattress on my cousin’s bedroom floor in the Bronx–jobless, depressed, and suicidal. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the only person that could save me, so I had to become a Phoenix. I had to spread my wings to fly or I was sure to die. I’ve been told my entire life, “You’re so strong. You’re built for this. You’re the strongest person I know” but nobody knows the violence it took to become this gentle.

A little over a year ago, I had an ego death. After months of suicidal thoughts and PTSD flashbacks from my childhood, I mourned, grieved, and rejoiced all within a day. Suddenly, I realized it was destined that way–that I was destined for death and rebirths so I changed my name to Phoenix Ríszing. I had to die in order not to die. I had to die in order to become new. I had to let go of the version of myself who was trapped in suffering–allowing myself to grieve various versions of me that no longer served the woman I was becoming.

I spent the majority of my early-mid 20s using drugs and sex to repress my childhood trauma; trauma I didn’t even remember having, that was, until I experienced my first PTSD flashback over a year ago. It was a panic attack and bodily flashback episode that brought me back to that 7 or 8 year old little girl who was once molested. That flashback showed me the reality of being a trauma survivor and how easy it is to bury traumatic memories deep within as a way to protect ourselves. Even if we have no recollection of repressing these memories–which I did not. It’s no wonder, as an adult, that I attracted a partner who would trigger and mirror my childhood trauma so intensely until it forced me to acknowledge how my childhood trauma led me into a TRAUMA BOND with a toxic partner. The trauma bond eventually led to a new sexual trauma–one that had come to me in a dream as a warning, yet quickly became a premonition and unfolding of my worst nightmare. My ancestors and my higher self had no choice but to step in considering that I was running down a road that almost cost me my sanity. I spent all of 2023 processing and recovery from past trauma, but in 2024, I will spend my year LIVING. Loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically. In 2024, I am honoring my needs without guilt. In 2024, I am raising my standards and the price of access to me. I will no longer be offering my body to others in exchange for “love” or validation. In 2024, I will forgive myself for all the things I convinced myself I needed to do in order to survive. In 2024, I will collect memories that remind me why it’s a gift to still be alive. I will sit with my inner child and remind her that she is loved, seen, and protected in ways she wasn’t all those years ago. We will hold hands and pick flowers, blow bubbles, and daydream about the future that has never looked brighter for us. For the first time in my life, I will choose ME. I’ll choose us.

My journey has not been gentle with me and because of this I’ve been forced to address ancestral pain and trauma. It has taken immense courage to sit with this. From an early age, I knew there was heavy darkness in my bloodline but as an adult, I’ve been able to break the curse by choosing healing. In 2023, I was called by my ancestors to heal and protect my bloodline through embarking on this healing journey of healing generational trauma. I had to die and rebirth myself several times. It feels strange to say, but I am thankful for my traumas and my demons. Not because they’ve given me ANY grace, but for volunteering to teach me just how resilient I am. Truth is, I thought I could outrun my trauma until one day it finally tapped me on the shoulder. Now, my trauma and I are becoming one–like lovers in a tub of roses. I now throw roses into the abyss as a way to thank the monsters who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive. This is my offering to my monsters and the version of me that I let die with them. In 2024, I will look in the mirror and tell myself “I’m proud of you. Thank you for existing” In 2024, I will love myself more because if I don’t who will?

In the coming new year, I’ve decided I’m finally going to lose weight. I’ll look good and feel great, with a smile on my face. Why? Because I am FINALLY going to lose the weight.

Lose the weight of fear-the fear of trying and worrying about what will happen if I fail. Yeah, I might sink, but what if I sail? Fear will no longer stop me from learning, growing and becoming more. I know, I know-I might fall. But what if I soar?

This year, I’ll lose the weight of responsibility. I know how that sounds, but let me explain. I am hereby no longer responsible when others choose to repeat the cycles of self-inflicted pain. The truth is I realized I am not responsible for how other people feel, and I only learned that when I decided to break out of my own cycles and finally began to heal. I will learn to set boundaries and see to it that they are respected. I am no longer accepting your terms for my life, consider them rejected.

Speaking of feelings and cycles and pain-bitterness tried to take root in my heart, but I’ve decided to deny its claim. We all have been hurt in this life, something we couldn’t stop from coming, but your ashes can’t be turned to beauty if you stay angry and unforgiving. So, I’m going to lose the weight of this hurt, which before may have seemed far too daunting, but sometimes just letting go of how you thought things would be, can give you the closure you’re so desperately wanting. Hurt people hurt people, no one is exempt from that. So, you won’t find me on a high horse, pretending I’ve never stabbed a back. This is what it takes, this is how you heal. I’m dropping the facade, just give me what’s real.

I am letting go of the need to always be in control. It’s an impossible feat and one that is bound to take its toll. It’s laughable, if you think about it, really and in the words of my baby girl: “No mommy, that’s silly.” I am learning there is beauty in the unknown. A new adventure or an unexpected call from an old friend, life is like a great book, though we don’t yet know it’s end. So, yes, I’m losing the weight of trying to control everything. I’ll sit back and enjoy the ride and just let life do its thing.

I think I’ve made my point, I think you get the gist. Though I have a lot of goals for the new year, losing weight is at the top of my list.

Dear me,
Yes you,
You are a capable woman. Strong, intelligent, and resilient is your name. You put fires out that are aimlessly burning, and in the same breath have the ability to ignite the most powerful flames.
You are a capable woman. A dog mom, a cheerful wife, and a spiritual pillar to many. You work hard in everything you do even when it’s not ideal.
You are a capable woman. Allow yourself the time you need – to heal, to laugh, to cry, and to sigh. Life will always be busy, but you deserve some rest. Remember, you are capable but you are also human.

Oh, capable woman. Please dive into yourself. Make your 30s your best. Let go of the void and shake off the excess stress. Who are we mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually? Let’s find that out. Can we buy out the time to do what we love? Can we live by our rules?

My dear capable woman. This time is yours to spend. Follow your heart and find peace within. Build up yourself the way you desire to be. I believe you can do it. I believe in me.

Love always,

An aspiring capable woman

In the ever-changing dance of life, I find myself surrounded by reasons to be grateful. Each day, I am presented with a vibrant tapestry of experiences that remind me to appreciate the little things.

College is like an exhilarating adventure, where knowledge thrives and dreams are nurtured. It’s a place where friendships bloom like stars, illuminating the nights with laughter and love. These cherished moments with friends bring me endless joy.

My family is my sanctuary, providing unwavering support and serving as the glue that holds everything together. And then there’s my boyfriend, a guiding light through life’s waves. His warmth and love create an anchor where my heart finds solace.

Life throws hurdles our way, testing our strength and resilience. But it’s within these challenges that we truly discover our inner power. Embracing these hurdles becomes a testament to our resilience and marks the beginning of new journeys.

I am grateful for the gentle kiss of each sunrise, for a love that grows deeper with every passing day, for those moments of pure bliss. In this symphony called life, gratitude soars like the notes played on a beautiful melody. I hold onto all that I cherish, now and for all time.

Endless Smiles
Heart unbroken
Life looking up for you
Looking at the girl of your dreams
Doing what you love
Writing more
It’s your passion
Spread your voice
Let them hear you
It’s okay
Don’t be scared anymore
To let it show how talented you are
Express
I’m sure it’ll have them impressed
But again you’re not doing it for them
You write for you
It brings such joy
Puts an instant smile on your face
Lets Embrace
No more hiding in the shadows
This is our year to show who we really are
Not what others want to believe
Protect your peace
Go with the flow
Let it be
We are truly smiling again

There is no doubt that one of my favorite motivational quotes is “Be the change that you wish you see.” Herstory told, they would like to repeat it…

Like how everyday I choose to defy the odds of struggle. Abundantly filled to navigate new heights… An unshakable force of humble.

Someday they’d say “Yeah, she did talk about making change…” but I hope that they actually can see it!!!

I’d love to tell them how I did it… and that everything in life is intentionally done for a reason. I let my guards down, enough standing on defense.

I challenged the flaws, to know whatever is underneath it. Impacting the masses is the goal that I’m reaching.

Bigger than me… My life is bigger than me!!!

I am devotedly aiming towards doing the best things. Learning that all of the better things in life are not free.

I am actively working my light within my art, family, and community.

I’ve sacrificed it all, but this mission to help others involved truly helping myself to start. It shows more than something when freedom calls!

I have all the answers that I need divinely a dial away. All I have to do is let them in and say “Thank you for leading the way!”

It’s important for the picture, pouring into myself. Mixed emotional colors create art that’s good for one’s health.

Developed within trusting the process… I had no clue I’d see it like this.
In order to get clearer, I push past the resistance.

I am a leader! I choose to be the one to reach back to uplift & help other people out!!

As I reminisced about 5 cents ago, all of it did not add up… but, merely relying on money just was not enough.

I am purposeful.

I embrace this with gladness, that the shift that I vibrate while in this world is peace beyond the madness.

“New year, new me… new goals set for 2023!” The 1st goal is checked by the fact that I have enough air within my lungs to breathe.

I am here! I make peace with the fact that 2023 is already looking up for me.

I’ve already had my vision board mapped out and told myself that “all of 2023, i’m gonna live comfortably.” I deserve it!

New goals set for 2023 and they all align with my purpose.

Did so much healing over the past few years that I’ve laid a solid foundation that’s much deeper than what lies beneath the surface.

The shedding of my tears, old habits, and fears has allowed me to align with a laser sharp focus

as it reveals all of my inner truths… I confidently speak up for those who feel hopeless.

Although, prior to now it felt like no one else could even hear me. Maybe because I didn’t fully yet hear myself… so to speak.

New goals set for 2023, I am a leader amongst my own destiny…

Mastering all that I continuously co-create. Learning more about holistic medicines to heal my ancestral lineage for goodness sake!

I’ll continue meditating and going within…

and promise to myself to continue flowing… not only just with the pen.
Faith and alignment is all that I’ll really need

because for the new goals set… the divine will make sure that I’ll continue having everything that I could ever desire, want, and need!

Living fully within each moment, I’ll approach each day gratefully.

I will continue to prioritize peace and balance. Allowing myself to grow and expand from more of life’s daily lessons.

Heavy, yet gentle on the self-care towards showing up as the highest version of myself.

Having no specific expectations… by letting it all unfold for me naturally. Praying that everything turns out even better than I could imagine it to be!

I set out to intentionally pour into my passions of inspiring others, creating, writing and dancing joyfully.

Also, remind myself to playfully explore many new exciting festivities. I’ll indulge in the various wonders of very tasteful vegan recipes.

Counting my blessings as I know that not everything in life is guaranteed.

I value to equally nurture and grow along with my loved ones. I am also open to new, yet healthy/ lasting connections because I’ve detached from most of the old ones.

Love (unconditionally), soft yet bitterly sweet, that’s the fluent language that I sacredly speak.

Claiming it all! Signed “Aligned by Seven: 2023”

Hold up! Just one last thing…

I promise myself to maximize my unlimited potential… So, here it is. 2023, the journey begins!