Advocating for pushing beyond your
Comfort zone is easy, it’s just words.
Applying it to yourself is hard and requires
A dauntless temperament that’s bolder
Than your fear, that binds your actions.

As an introvert who bottles up her
Emotions and fears, confronting
Anyone who’s hurt me has a severe
Strain over me, anxiety flourishing,
Sweating, combing through vocabulary that Never,

Ever seems to fit, and always has
The possibility of being misinterpreted
As my clarity of thought comes
With pen, paper, thoughts processed
Slowly for the least hurt possible attained.

Consequences of words spoken
Can’t easily be taken back, and they happen
To have a lingering effect that’s unspoken!

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

To be honest, right now in this very moment I am in a space or season of uncomfortableness in my life. All my life I’ve worn different masks to fit in and be accepted that I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I could be with growth. I hate to admit it because I was comfortable in places where I guess normal people would be uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable in my depression, anxiety, self pity and hatred. I was okay with being trash even though I wasn’t. I embarked on taking all aspects of my healing and writing seriously during the pandemic. But i wasn’t prepared at all for the distractions that i would face. So for the next 2 1/2 years. I undid almost all my progress by being in a relationship and having a baby with a narcissist who had done everything short of killing my spirit. I was extremely uncomfortable with him but out of fear and my abandonment issues. I stayed. I became comfortable with the abuse and toxicity. I believe all the lies he told me. To be hundred percent genuine and transparent, I knew he was no good for me. But I got stuck on a feeling and I am stubborn. He was the first and only guy to pretend that he valued me. He would by me flowers, take me on dates, buy me gifts, and write me little love letters. He even said he wanted to marry me. Being a woman with extremely complicated daddy issues and traumas experiences with men; I tried to hold on to him and change myself to keep him because I believed he would change. So long story short I got tired of everything he did and was doing to me. I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself because it was destroying my mental health and I could not adequately function as a mom like I needed to. So earlier this year before my son turned one. I left him and I have never looked back. If anyone has experience with a true narcissist nothing I did to free myself was easy. So I am rebuilding and recovering from that extremely toxic relationship, learning how to balance and raise two children alone instead of one and taking the leap of faith by finally sharing my talent in writing with the world and still trying to take care of my mental health and heal from all my current and past trauma and everyone I care about. I normally would have tucked my tail and run away by now to old familiar environments but I haven’t. I always found comfort in quitting and hiding within my negative emotions. I found comfort in thinking terrible things about myself and not loving and giving myself grace. I was comfortable with abuse mental, emotional, and sometimes physical because I believed that was all I deserved in life. The unknown has always terrified me so as a trauma response I would go back to or put myself in maladaptive situations that cause pain because I’m used to it. I was like the children of Israel after they were delivered from Egypt who wanted to go back because I couldn’t see my promised land. But I decided to be different and challenge myself to conquer my fears and worries so I can achieve success and that scares the living crap out of me. I see my changes and the blessings coming to me but I am internally scared shitless (excuse my language). I haven’t had time to process anything that has happened in my life for real in the past 3 years and I’m still pushing forward but I have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don’t know how to handle so I pretend they aren’t there until I go crazy or figure out how to express them.
I’m afraid of success. I am afraid of achieving my goals and being the best me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. Even though I put in the work and it is what is to be expected. I’ve never experienced positive situations or at least for long. So I self sabotage because I don’t think I’m worthy all the time of goodness and happiness. I’m not used to actually having joy despite the chaos in my life. I’m used to feeling depression and sadness. I’m not used to being happy. And I’m so uncomfortable because I have to teach myself to accept all the things in life I’ve prayed for. I have to release maladaptive coping mechanisms that I thought were healthy but they aren’t. I have always watered others and never watered myself. I’ve shown people more love than I’ve ever shown myself ( and that is never okay). Taking time to breathe and feel positive emotions has been hard for me. It triggers my fight or flight response to be consistent in things and to show myself love. But I’m coming into my own power and learning to love myself and it’s so uncomfortable! (I’m literally dying or that’s how it feels) Sometimes I want to run back to the hell I am used to because that was the last time I felt comfortable. I had a routine and knew what to expect. I feel selfish and at times undeserving because I still beat myself up. I’ve been a certain way for so long that being in the newness and joys of life brings me deep anxiety. But being in this uncomfortable position has taught me so much. I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing out of all the terror, heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced in my entire life all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to process my positive emotions and I cry when I’m happy I get angry when I experience love. But it’s okay. I’m reaping the harvest from the tears I cried because of trauma and general lack. The tears I’ve cried are watering my seeds for my success.

Everyday I wake up I am choosing to actively do something different. I refuse to let myself run back to the false comfort of being with my ex and having a fake family. I would much rather deal with the uncomfortableness of success than deal with the uncomfortableness of watering myself down and making myself small for a man who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate and control me. I am proud of myself but I can’t celebrate just yet because I still have a lot more work to do. I thought I was buried but this whole time I was planted.

Old self

You’re so social they say. But little do they know my skin crawls and I feel like I’m going to ball every time I’m in front of you all. The panic and manic start to settle in , where do I even begin. I worry if I’m worthy or if they’ll all look at me and scurry. It all starts to get blurry and my mind starts to scatter like if everything I’ve accomplished never even mattered. My heart beats fast, and I can’t look past my old self I thought I laid on the shelf. But here she is, with all her might ready to fight. I’ve learned to fight back, despite the pain I feel of my old self, that was never healed which I’ve kept so
concealed. She keeps me from going out and makes me miss out. Some say it’s all in my mind but I can’t seem to unbind, we’re the same person even if she was a different version. Some times I win and some times I lose, either way, my old self always seems to loom.

Dear reader,
I still struggle with body dysmorphia.
But in 2021, I started wearing tiny clothes. For the first time ever.
I’ve been many different sizes since my teens, but I’ve always been shaped the same. I was a chunky kid, or a curvy girl. Even in the height of my eating disorder, my bone structure never changed. The shape of my scapulae, the curve of my rib cage, or how close its end is to my pelvic bone’s beginning; these parts of me don’t move, so size didn’t always “fix” things. My fat distribution never changed much, either (hormone problems also contribute to that). I was always a “thick thighs save lives” girl with a big butt, even if there were less adipose cells than before.
I felt deformed. Being raised in the early 2000s, this meant my whole life was a story of “Clothes Never Fit Right”. A story of my mom buying me women’s clothes at age 14 because the clothes my peers wore were too small. A story of being laughed at when I wore low-rise skinny jeans that gave me a “plumber butt”. A story of being called Britney Spears by a classmate because a button-up shirt I wore that day was a bit more form-fitting. (Which is a ridiculous insult, by the way. Britney is a queen.) It was also a story of seeing women being vilified for having a body that looked like a body. Every woman had to be paper thin.
When I was 11, the 2007 VMAs splattered the news with Britney Spears’s performance. My dad nonchalantly said that Britney was “maybe skinny for a mom but still fat for a woman”. He said that to his 11-year-old daughter.
I was insecure for so, so long.
Then comes 2021. After a pandemic shutdown that kept most of us at home for months, I’m an adult. I’m well past the eating disorder. I’ve graduated college. I make my own money. Screw it, I’m now just going to wear what I want. I’m officially not dependent on anybody else.
I wore Aerie leggings with a crop top. This was a new combination for me, and one that was trendy at the time. I was self-conscious at first; and worried about what my mom would think. She never would’ve let me leave the house wearing something like that growing up. I had been wearing the oversized T-shirt and Nike shorts combination for years.
I definitely spent way longer than I want to admit still sucking in my tummy. I spent way longer than I want to admit worrying about the shape of my butt, or my thighs rubbing together.
But it was so comfortable.
So over time, I adjusted.
My belly was out, every curve and line where everyone could see. My butt looked phenomenal. My thighs were being gently hugged by each other and the leggings with every step. Even my back rolls played peek-a-boo if I needed to reach something from a high shelf.
You could see pretty much every part that I’d been forced to hide before. I was the most visible I had ever been.
After a decade of either squishing everything in with Spanx, or completely hiding under a babydoll dress: leggings and a crop top freed me. I finally saw my body in real time. Every soft bit, I knew exactly what it looked like. I knew exactly what I looked like.
It took a while to make peace with certain parts of myself. But I could finally look at every part of me and look at every part put together to form the whole of me and be okay with it. I could finally see me and my body without shame and contortion.
My body dysmorphia is not gone. That part of me may not ever fully heal. But I made progress I’d never made before, because of this. Because of Aerie leggings and crop tops.
This particular method may not be for everyone.
This was the first of many times I’d leave my comfort zone. It definitely felt funny to start. Growth never comes without discomfort.
Looking back now, though, it healed me more than I thought it did.

Hello there,

I’ve always been painfully shy. I swore that I’d never approach anyone, and that I’d never let anyone know how I feel because being mysterious was my safety blanket. It was my safety blanket for many years, but soon I began to realize that it was also my shackle; a personal prison.

In order to set myself free, I had to allow myself to be uncomfortable.

But one day I did it.

I missed him. I thought about him daily. I worried about him. I needed to let him know how I feel.

The moment the words left my heart and mind and made their way to him, I felt overcome with anxiety and relief.

We grow when we leave our comfort zone, but we also battle thoughts from the enemy. Sometimes we are the enemy. But those thoughts in your head are just words. Words have power. They can either build you or break you. You have the power to choose what they will do to you.

He told me I made his day, but little did he know that he made mine even more.

Never underestimate the power of words, the power of a simple action.

It was that moment that constantly reminded me how important it is to let people know how much you care about them. The feeling of regret is much worse than my fears of the unknown. Never again will I cower from opportunities to share what’s in my heart.

And please friend, don’t let your fears shackle you as well. The greatest opportunities started out with a simple action. May that simple action of yours take place today.

Love, Cherie.

For years, I was always known as the quiet guy. I’d go to school every weekday (barring sick days, holidays, snow days, what have you). After school, I’d keep to myself and not go out on weekends.
I couldn’t hang out with people outside of school because I lived far away from the district. I was hungry for an outlet to express myself in a judgment-free environment.
Oddly, the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic gave me a sliver of hope to find the outlet I was looking for. In order to keep a daily routine intact (something that people on the autism spectrum, like myself), I started listening to podcasts.

I found one pertaining to 1990’s Nickelodeon, Big Orange Couch. After listening to the show for a while, I decided to email one of the hosts about a suggestion for an episode dissecting an installment of The Secret World of Alex Mack. I noticed that the guest character in the episode showed signs of autism. After a couple days of waiting for a reply, one of the hosts supported my idea and invited me on as a guest.

The big night came. It was a rainy Thursday night at the end of March. Usually, a rainy night kills the mood for some people, but not me. Within a few seconds of the recording starting up, I was cracking jokes in all directions.

I utilized my sense of humor advantageously and it was because of the icebreaking jokes that I was able to speak so openly about my autism. Before I knew it, an hour and 15 minutes ticked away and the recording was in the books.

Prior to March 23, I merely listened to podcasts. Now, I can say that I’m a podcast veteran. It all starts with finding a lane to open up.

Oftentimes the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings. This invitation to step out of my comfort zone is no different. It started with a meeting invite labeled “employee evaluation” coming into my inbox. Panic gripped me. I work hard, I do what I am supposed to, and I manage my many responsibilities to the best of my ability so in theory I should have nothing to fear, however anxiety and imposter syndrome make employee evaluations seem like imminent doom. So tearful and fearful I went into my evaluation. To my surprise it didn’t go the way I was expecting. My boss offered me a summer missionary position for a catechetical program called Totus Tuus. I had less than a week to decide how my summer would look.

I had applied for this position in 2018, but was not chosen. Things were simpler then, I thought. Now I had an apartment to take care of, rent and bills that needed to be paid, and I was in the middle of looking for a new roommate as my old roommate had recently moved out. As with many things I brought it to prayer. The words that came to mind were affirming that I should accept this position. My mind and heart were filled with the words of Mary in Luke’s gospel “Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; be it done unto me according to your word.”

Still trying to discern I told my mom about the opportunity thinking that her practical side would find some reason not to accept it. But I was shocked to find that she was agreeable to it and was willing to work with me to make it happen. With that I decided to say “yes” even though I had no idea what I was saying “yes” to.

Training began and it became a little clearer as to what a typical day would look like. But still I had no idea the extent to which God would stretch and grow me throughout my time as a Totus Tuus missionary. After a commissioning ceremony it was time to go out to our first parish and to teach the children about the kerygma (first proclamation of the Gospel) and salvation history (all the events that lead to Jesus coming into the world and saving us through His death and resurrection….in summation the whole Bible) and the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. What a tall order for just one week!

This Totus Tuus program allowed me to be a fool for Christ. I normally work in a very professional setting and so there are certain expectations of how I will act, speak, and even look. This opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary allowed me to become more child-like. I learned to not take myself too seriously. I sang songs about bananas while stuffing a banana in my mouth, I pretended that I spent 6 summers at magic camp and pulled flowers out of a top hat after praying for them, I got hit with a water balloon covered in paint. I laughed and I played, and I experienced joy probably more than I ever have before.

Another way that I noticed God stretching me is in my spiritual motherhood. I’m a single woman with no children, but at every parish I felt this overwhelming sense of protectiveness over these children and I found myself asking questions that I imagine that every parent asks themselves on a daily basis:

Do they know that I love them? How have I made that visible to them today?
Do they know how much God loves them?
What is it that I needed to know at their age and how do I share that with them?
Is this moment a learning moment or do they just need someone to empathize with them?

As the weeks went on I found my spiritual motherhood growing in a way that it hadn’t before. I found myself tending to scraped knees with band-aids, working to mend hurting hearts through having honest conversations with the children and sharing a bit of my own story with them, I found myself each day just loving them with a profound love and delighting in them. This profound sense of motherhood also opened me up to my daughterhood. I came to realize that in the same way that I had delighted in these children, God (my Father) had always delighted in me.

Another thing that Totus Tuus taught me was healthy detachment. We spent only one week at each of the five parishes we were assigned to. In that one week as mentioned above I came to know and love the children we were teaching. I’ve never been good at letting go….for crying out loud my first and last name combined spells “hang on.” It was rough having to leave them but I also knew that I had to trust that God would water the seeds that had been planted that week. Also, it was always in the back of my mind that this might be my only opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary so I couldn’t let my identity be defined by my position or what I was doing because in the end it was a temporary gig. Again I was free to lean into my own daughterhood.

Looking back I realize how Totus Tuus was also an invitation to be vulnerable and to be honest with my teammates about my wounds and to be honest with myself about where I am in the healing process. I ended up sharing with my team about my mental health issues and about my triggers. I had been so afraid to open up to them as we had only just met each other several weeks earlier. But when I shared I was met with love and compassion; I was met where I was. One of my teammates even went so far as to come up with another handshake because she knew that fist bumps trigger me. There were a few challenging moments where some triggers were brought up unknowingly by the people we were ministering to and in those moments, I was faced with my own brokenness and was prompted to ask God for healing of these deep wounds. This honesty has continued even after Totus Tuus has ended. I recently shared with my team members that I am praying a certain prayer for my healing for 54 days and each of my team members is joining me in praying this prayer for the entire 54 days. It has been so beautiful how this experience of community has invited me to be honest about my struggles and how they have rallied around me in them and have interceded for me.

Totus Tuus was one of the best “yeses” that I’ve ever said. I have grown so much in my identity as a daughter of God, in my friendships, in vulnerability and in my leadership skills. So I challenge you dear reader if you are at a crossroads trying to decide between pursuing a good opportunity or not don’t decide based off your comfort zone. Instead ask yourself “what could happen if I say yes?” And then trust that God has a plan better than you could ever imagine.

It is true that the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings, and it is also true that the steps we take out of our comfort zone, the “yeses” we say while trusting God often produce an abundance of growth. Be not afraid.

I’ve never known a comfort zone
Constantly being pushed into places I don’t want to be
Dreaming, but only of nightmares
Remembering, but only the bad
Crying, but not of laughter

I want a comfort zone
A place where there’s peace
When I get there, I’ll be so uncomfortable-
But I’ll be happy

I have dreamed forever about moving forward with my writing career.
There were many different times in my life that writing got me through the pot holes and broken hearts, but somewhere in between different life lessons started to dim my voice and little by little, I gave up and decided to take a different path. My college major was assigned and I became engulfed in Psychology. After all, the world would always need my expertise and empathy. I had life skills to add to the process and my own obstacles that I was trying to navigate but I knew that I was going to get that degree. I was SO wrong.
As classes came and went I started to feel like each day was the same thing, same lectures, same people and the homework? Don’t even get me started on the 20 plus page essays that my brain started to struggle to complete. I had always wanted to help others, but my heart was just not in the classes. I started to slowly daze off in class and at the ticking of the large white and black clock on the wall became the most annoying sound. The other students were almost always arguing and debating creating a not so zen environment for my PTSD. I had do to something. I was paying a fortune for these classes, but I didn’t see or feel a future for myself. I ended my college career that semester. I immediately felt like a failure and started to slowly give up on everything. I lost my zest for life and spent most days sleeping while my kids were in school. A visit to my Dr would later show a diagnosis of permanent and untreatable depression from a closed head injury that I had a few years back from domestic violence.
Tests down the road would also bring about a major life change. I was diagnosed with a TBI.
I had a permanent bruise on my brain. All I could do was move forward with the physical therapy and counseling. I was shattered when they told me I likely would need to be put into learning disabled assistance if I decided to return to college. After the realization that I was going to need a bit of extra assistance in my classes, I ended my dreams officially of finishing my degree.
Fast forward to trying to hold down two jobs and deal with an emergency with my three children I had to leave employment. My head was spinning. Thoughts racing and I was always on the go. I carried a notebook in my car and would jot down little clusters of thoughts as they would come to me in moments of quiet reflection. ( That notebook was later lost in a move) Strike 3… You’re out!
There was an ache in my heart but never a good time to start writing again. The negative thoughts were always there. You can’t write, you couldn’t even make it through college. He was right, you’re stupid and going nowhere with life- You’re writing is not as good as the professional writers out there… We all know that voice. The one that laughs at us and tells us we are not good enough. The echo of anger and of self doubt was ALWAYS there.
Then, one night, scrolling through my phone I found the ad. I hit the follow button and went on with my every day things. Each night, I would go to that page on Instagram .You guessed it! This one. I clicked through the profile and decided to reach out VIA direct message.
The first conversation went something like this.
“Hello, are you a legit person?” I hit the send and anxiously waited a response. It was only a few seconds and Lauren messaged me back. I asked so many questions. My heart wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. 5.00 was the minimum monthly payment and I made up excuses each time and talked myself out of hitting that join us button.
Until one evening I was on and received a message. “Have you joined us yet?” It was Lauren I told her no and that we didn’t have the 5.00 but that I was still thinking about it.
There was absolutely no pressure. I felt so comfortable with the vibes of The Unsealed and a few days later, in the middle of the night suffering through a bout of flashbacks and anxiety I hit that button. I joined for the minimum and I looked around. It was beautiful. Everything was so pure, so raw and so honest.
At 1:30 am MST I stepped out of my comfort zone and I wrote my first entry. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. I was home. I was safe to write out things that I had held in for years and there were others just like myself. We were a group of people that all survived different life obstacles and traumas and we were all in a way connected. I have never looked back and try to write now whenever I get the chance. Lauren and the Unsealed family have helped me heal and find my voice again. I couldn’t have done it if I had not taken that first tiny step out of my comfort zone and for that, I am so grateful.
Thank you to all of you, for helping me through this last few months.
My lips have finally become unsealed.

Three steps forward, 10 steps back.
Why does it always seem that commodities I lack?
I strap that pack to my body and fix my crown.
For leaving a place of comfort never comes sound.
Leaping into a world so unknown, praying on an outcome better than my own.
Some think it’s trivial, yet a place so brutal can never be.
I opened up to social media, ready for attacks for being me.
Sharing my truth, my humor and more.
Haters, scams and fans galore!
Persecuted for sharing my peace, adored for being just me.
The fright this put into me seemed quite silly.
However, the attacks I’ve received in the past makes them a plea.
An outcast in high school, but loved it.
I connected with the nerds, the goths, the misfits you see.
10 steps forward, three steps back.
Your slant is now what I lack.
For leaving a place of comfort to follow your path will always be bound.

Standing at a crossroads and I find my bones feeling lazy,
a vision towards my future but the road is hazy,

I always pour out to those who don’t realize that I’m giving them something sacred,

They let it spill over like the blood of the natives instead trying to save it.

So now I want to save myself, it was a happenstance of a chance , I told myself “let me go back for one more lap.”

I met a mystic whose mystique and music on the mountain drew me In, I felt like I was speaking to a feminine me,

she gave me.. a reading of tarot,
3 and 4 of swords, 8 of pentacles my heart was open but my mind still narrow.

She offered an invitation, “come, join us in a circle for an incantation

Oh, and bring a sacred vessel,
It’s contents can help remove impurities from your blood vessels.”

I found myself-
Surrounded by 7 goddesses, but I am not a god above them ,
In fact they welcomed this weary traveler so for that I love them

most were there because they wanted a change,
one was working through her social anxiety in the astral plane ,
one who was there, fulfilled her job as a mother, did you know a mothers love is like no other

In fact I felt it everywhere it invited this brother –
to lay his head on her lap ,
It said “come my child let your soul rest and take a nap.”

So as I drifted off between time and space,
I start to feel a tingle come upon my face

I felt my deep, rich, hot, blood being awoken ,
the spanish being spoken to the Spanish that left us broken.

Only hoping that my great, great, grandmother with high cheek bones and looooonng, flowing, raven hair was there.

And she was.

She explained to me that all we ever did was fight , now she’s asking me to rest ,

based off the four of swords during my reading, I think I will.

I felt a chill,
as the wind decided to inspect our ceremony- the clouds said “here follow me,”
the moon looked bigger I closed my eyes and a cloaked figure ,
invited me on to a boat ,

He “said do you want to see the future?

First you must see the fool and the fool is you.”

Using canabis to guide his canine to reveal the canines of the living shadow.

A monster, a myth, a mirror,
“come look inside my void and see yourself cleaner

Inspect your introspection ,ready front your reflection
Come, see that you’ve been so vulnerable.
Please give yourself some protection,

and on top of that- give yourself some love,
give yourself some patience,
and listen to yourself as your wisdom is amazing.”

I could hear this voice but was to afraid to face him, then I trusted myself and went to embrace him,

It was me, he was everything I’ve envisioned, now he’s the only person I look to when I make my decisions.

I said “you are so radiant, you’re exactly who I’m trying to be,”

he replied “good, you’re here finally but give yourself some time to be-

me, you, us, when I tell you something don’t second guess me, just trust . Ah ah ah, But no buts,

You’re here because you’re on the cusp of a new chapter,
to leave ink onto the first page you must first meet your master.”

First the mirror distorted, then the glass broke,
some footsteps approached it was the figure in cloak.

His presence was overpowering,
Emanating an energy at its zenith,

If I was faced with this Goliath then I must be David,
it was time for me to slay this behemoth.

But before I could unsheath my sword ,
I felt drawn to confront this chimera.

There I stood staring into
the blackness waiting for my terrors
to actualize,
I tore down his hood to meet his actual eyes.

It was me, again, looking even more divine than before.

He said “good, you passed the test because you don’t need to be afraid of yourself anymore!!!”

Then our guide brought us back to this plane,

I saw so much clarity to cut through that haze, this water sign now rolls with the waves as the moon beamed her rays, I give praise,

to this experience

as I’ve learned to shift my mind and my attitude ,

To live as my higher self, I will and I invite you, to always live with gratitude.

Thank you